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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I a terrible person? I feel awful/

112 replies

FleurDeCassis · 21/01/2015 20:55

Very randomly a guy I knew from school messaged me on FB, he dated a friend of mine whilst we were at school (nothing serious) but apart from that we never even spoke.

He messaged me and it got a lot more flirty. He also has a girlfriend and they have a mortgage together etc

If I'm truly honest I liked the attention (I'm single) but I never had any intention of meeting up with him.

Anyway his partner found the messages and he said we have to end this now.

I just replied with - end what exactly? There isn't anything to end

He replied - exactly.

We haven't spoken since and I don't intend to.

I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 23/01/2015 14:39

And what CM said.

motherinferior · 23/01/2015 14:40

You really are determined to portray this as a torrid affair, aren't you, Jan.

Jan45 · 23/01/2015 15:01

Mother, I've been asked my opinion, sorry you disagree, nobody has said affair apart from yourself....

motherinferior · 23/01/2015 15:10

don't believe the OP wouldn't have met him, bet she would've if g/f hadn't caught them out.

Nobody knows the content of their messages so who knows if it was harmless.

I think both of those insinuations - particularly the first one - are quite unjustified.

Jan45 · 23/01/2015 15:15

Mother, are you the OP lol.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 23/01/2015 15:21

Flirting can and does, quite often, lead to affairs. I think we're all aware of that. So, if you like to flirt, 'need' to make yourself feel wanted or desirable, why not do so with one of the millions of single people out there? Why jeopardise another relationship for personal gain? I think flirting on the assumption that everyone's fine with it, is pretty irresponsible. The male (in this case) being willing, gives no such confirmation to the ow. Nor does it give her a get out clause. Both men who will and men who won't have affairs might flirt. Placing judgement of the situation in the hands if the (partnered) flirter is just avoiding responsibility. He has a partner? Steer clear! Unless you're the type of person who particularly enjoys playing at being or being the ow, ofc.

motherinferior · 23/01/2015 15:36

Eh? No, I'm not. If you search my posts you'll see that I have a partner. Nice bloke, quite flirty in a decorous sort of way.

helicopterbitch · 23/01/2015 15:36

he's not shitting over her relationship is he.

No but he took a giant dump over his own.

Mother, are you the OP lol.

Because someone disagrees with you then they must automatically be the OP under a different name. Right ....

Jan45 · 23/01/2015 15:39

FFS, chill out guys, it's Friday!

helicopterbitch · 23/01/2015 16:21

The only one freaking out is you Jan

Little too invested in this....

CheersMedea · 23/01/2015 17:18

Flirting CAN and does, quite often, lead to affairs. I think we're all aware of that.

I agree it can lead to affairs. I disagree that flirting "quite often" leads to affairs - if by that you mean the majority of the time. That's crazy thinking.

There is a whole scale of flirting

low level social flirting that's almost a form of politeness ("How lovely to meet you Mrs Smith, I see where your charming daughter gets her good looks")
mid-range flirting that has a hint of the "you are hot but I'm married/taken/not available but I'm adult enough to enjoy this chat without going any further" about it. Sexual flirting without intent, if you will
high octane flirting that is sexual flirting with intent and will end up in bed.

People flirt ALL the time. It is fun but like all things should be enjoyed in moderation. The majority of flirting is low level to mid-range and is not a problem.

It's a good thing if you or your partner are attractive to other people (and I mean "mentally attractive" in a flirting sense as well as physically attractive) - shows both of you made a good choice.

It's a good thing to enjoy life rather than treating your partner like a caged beast.

Jan45 · 23/01/2015 17:23

*The only one freaking out is you Jan

Little too invested in this....*

.....nope but thanks for the concern ....bitch.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 23/01/2015 17:33

I agree it can lead to affairs. I disagree that flirting "quite often" leads to affairs - if by that you mean the majority of the time. That's crazy thinking.

Yes. I ended up with PTSD as a result of it all, would you believe! Completely crazy. Batshit, in fact . That doesn't negate the fact that in my experience, flirting not only often leads to an affair but worse, always led to affairs. To use the term 'often' was actually a minimisation of my experiences, so, maybe not quite as 'crazy' or outlandish as you would think. Maybe.

CurlyWurlyCake · 23/01/2015 17:41

No surprise to see the op hasn't returned.

It's refreshing to read a thread that isn't all about blaming the person in the relationship, expecting people to take ownership of their actions.

kobebryant · 23/01/2015 18:04

.....nope but thanks for the concern ....bitch.

You are rather vile.

kobebryant · 23/01/2015 18:05

It's refreshing to read a thread that isn't all about blaming the person in the relationship, expecting people to take ownership of their actions.

Is it?

I find this thread rather disgusting that the man has been portrayed as some what of a victim and the op single handedly ruined his relationship.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 23/01/2015 18:18

I find this thread rather disgusting that the man has been portrayed as some what of a victim and the op single handedly ruined his relationship.

I'd find that disgusting too but I'm pretty certain no-one has portrayed him as any kind of 'victim'. I can't recall a single post which lays blame entirely on the ow but plenty which consider them equally culpable, which I agree is refreshing.

CurlyWurlyCake · 23/01/2015 18:23

I find this thread rather disgusting that the man has been portrayed as some what of a victim and the op single handedly ruined his relationship

Where has any one portrayed the man as a victim?

He has been called everything he deserves to be. But, it isn't him asking the opinion, it is the female who knew he was in a relationship and continued to flirt with him even though she didn't even think anything of him.

And now he has been caught out she feels awful, so much so she posted about it.

Me me me - I have no patience for people who can't look at the bigger picture and think about others as well as their own short lived ego boost.

motherinferior · 23/01/2015 18:23

Amantes, you think flirting variants 1 and 2 always lead to affairs?

kobebryant · 23/01/2015 18:31

Me me me - I have no patience for people who can't look at the bigger picture and think about others as well as their own short lived ego boost.

It's a chat forum, most threads on here are "me, me, me"

I got the impression that the op now feels bad because she has realised that what she thought was harmless fun had consequences.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 23/01/2015 18:32

I think 'variant one' is complimentary, rather than flirting. If you find that kind of thing complimentary. I'd find it cheesy and smarmy. I think 'sexual flirting' (as variants two and three are described), often leads to affairs. I didn't use the word 'always' and I'm not going to start now.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 23/01/2015 18:39

I don't know how flirty the conversations got and I agree that a little flirtatiousness makes the world a more fun place. Only you know your intent.

Assuming you didn't lead the guy on/ flirt outrageously etc., I really wouldn't worry about it. Maybe it would be wise to be a bit more restrained next time, but I can't see that you've done much wrong.

motherinferior · 23/01/2015 18:41

That doesn't negate the fact that in my experience, flirting not only often leads to an affair but worse, always led to affairs.

You did use it. That's why I cited it.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 23/01/2015 18:51

Quite, motherinferior. My experience, hence my use of 'often' as a more reasonable statement, in the previous post. Feel free to refer back for the entire conversation

nauticant · 23/01/2015 19:32

I'm disappointed that some people seem to have lost the ability to distinguish between being charming and flirting.

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