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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH stay out all night?

109 replies

patch123 · 19/01/2015 19:06

My OH has been invited to drinks for someone's birthday in the village where he used to live. I am free that night and not drinking so I said I will pick him up. He was VERY adamant that I shouldn't and that he should stay at his parents. I think this is strange as we are a couple, I have children so we get every other weekend on our own which is one of these times so I can't understand why he wouldn't want to come home to me and wake up with me? Wanting to stay at his parents and act like he's 20 again and not want to come home to his partner is immature and worrying I think.Am I being controlling and suspicious for no reason or is he out of order here?

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 19/01/2015 20:12

Maybe he wants a lie in and breakfast in bed from mummy

If he's a cheater, you'll find out. Picking him up for one night won't stop him anyway

arlagirl · 19/01/2015 20:13

You sound totally paranoid and controlling.

Have you explained your concerns?

Shakey1500 · 19/01/2015 20:14

The best thing you could do right now is shake off this insecurity, stop being unreasonable and control-y, plaster a huge grin on your face and say "No problem, have a great time, text me when you feel human the next day!"

Then make other plans for yourself.

RiverTam · 19/01/2015 20:14

patch - not sure why I did but I did a search on your other posts, call it my spidey sense if you will. I think on this point you are overeacting (you say on another thread that you are very capable of being on your own, but it doesn't sound like it here), but from what you said on your other thread a few days back, the relationship doesn't sound great, he's snappy and critical of your parenting.

Is this just the final straw?

AnyFucker · 19/01/2015 20:14

I don't think you two are compatible

I used to have a boyfriend who insisted on picking me up from everywhere. He said he trusted me, it was the other blokes he didn't trust

That one didn't last long. Just sayin'

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/01/2015 20:21

Based on what you have posted here,he is not behaving like a 19 year old but just exactly how I would expect someone his age to behave.

I just don't see what the problem is, unless there is a bigger picture

Themrmen · 19/01/2015 20:26

I live with my dp and have dc together and on the rate occasions he goes out he'll tend to stay out as it's easier for him to sleep round a mates and tbh nicer for me not having dp crawling in pissed at whatever time of the night, personally I hate not sleeping in my own bed and would always come home. Everyone is different if you truly trust your dp there shouldn't be a problem, you sound jealous, immature and controlling and the quickest way to ruin a relationship if behaviour like this

Joysmum · 19/01/2015 20:27

You sound like me in the year years with my DH. I'd been cheated on by my previous boyfriend plus a few other issues too.

I chose not to be controlling, but I did feel paranoid and panicky.

Good news was, it's all but gone now. He's proved himself, and I have proved I can trust again. Took a while though but was was it.

Millli · 19/01/2015 20:47

Your not living together OP. If you think he will do unsavoury things on a night out then your relationship is already in trouble.

Sickoffrozen · 19/01/2015 21:05

Controlling in my world

RaisingMen · 19/01/2015 21:28

You sound very controlling. He doesn't want you to pick him up, end of story. Stop pushing it.

Ouchbloodyouch · 19/01/2015 21:54

I am completely on your side with regards to your feelings on this. But you do need to smile sweetly and say 'have a lovely evening' you won't do yourself any favours acting petulant.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't think you are controlling but panicked. But if he is going to cheat he will cheat regardless.
Also being prepared to jump out of bed at 3am does seem a little desperate.
It does suck that you don't get to spend all of your child free nights together when time alone is limited but insisting on soneones company is not pleasurable

RandomNPC · 19/01/2015 22:22

You don't own this man, you are in a relationship with him. I don't see anything wrong with what he's doing.

WineWineWine · 19/01/2015 22:26

Good grief! Poor bloke can't even have a night out without being smothered. This is entirely your problem. Your controlling behaviour will not make him faithful, it will drive him away.

ringinginthenewyearO · 19/01/2015 23:41

by now OP you must realise that your reaction is not the best action here.

I'm not going to diss your relationship and haven't read your other posts. I'm responding to this anxious behaviour you are displaying. You do have to stop, breath and think. As the others have said, if you continue to think these thoughts and behave like a mother wanting to collect her son from a disco outside, then he'll see you as someone he doesn't want to be with.
I have felt that way once. It's smothering for the other person. You do have trust issues. It's clear here and I think you know that.
So what can you do about it? Well small steps. But you have to change your response or you will most definitely drive him away. He's with you and chooses to be, so why assume he is going to run off with a woman on this particular occassion? He can do it on other nights when not with you. I understand that rationale thinking for you is hard at the moment. This is consuming you and you can't understand it. So admit to yourself you don't understand his reasons but they are what he wants to do. Years ago i would have agreed with you but i have come out the other end. You can't control a situation and just because you don't get it doesn't mean it's bad.
I love a night to myself now and I have no issue with a dp heading out all night. It has taken me many episodes of sitting watching phone/clock or imagining all sorts. I once drove to the venue myself, at 2am, he hadn't texted in 3 hrs, gave the doorman a stupid excuse that partner left phone, in i went and hid behind a pillar scanning room. I was sure i was going to catch him out. I had imagined the whole scenario. My line would be , see i was right. And there he was in the corner, hammered and half asleep. I had two choices. go up to him and take him home or leave. I left. Couldn't understand why he'd get that drunk, why he just didn't come home etc. but I was not his mother. sometimes we just want to be wreckless & irresponsible. When he arrived in at 4am. I was sound asleep. He was dying the next day and I smugly enjoyed that. But my point is. You'll drive yourself insane imagining the worst and for what?
The best thing you can do is arrange to meet some girls/sisters or a group you'll enjoy. Go out. He'll be impressed, know that he can enjoy himself too and both be happier in the long run.
Stop worrying over something that hasn't happened. Work on your responses and most importantly, live your own social life. You'll actually find yourself a much happier person. Which makes for a much happier girlfriend rather than mammy.

hoobypickypicky · 19/01/2015 23:51

" At my work do this Christmas a group of girlfriends were staying at one of my colleagues houses for the night after the work do and I was invited but as my OH was going to be at mine I felt it was appropriate to go home to my partner, not stay out like I'm single."

waves Whoa!

You are single!!!!!!!!

He's a grown man with a flat of his own. You're his girlfriend, not his wife, partner or keeper. He wants a night out to go home when he wants to like the grown up he is, not to have you hanging around to check up on him.

You don't own him, you shouldn't be trying to control him and you will lose the poor man if you carry on like that.

dirtybadger · 20/01/2015 01:15

Another one saying not sure what the problem is. If I was in his shoes I'd probably do the same. If his parents still live where they did when he was living with them, it'll probably feel pretty cosy and not quite the same as kipping in a mates' bed or on a couch. Plus maybe parents will be spoiling him to a cooked breakfast, or something.
I wouldn't want to bother a partner and also wouldn't trust myself to remember arrangements or to call! I think if things finish early there's a good chance he would like a lift, and may even call, but he's probably hoping for something a little later if he hasn't seen his friends for a while.

Leave him to it, he's not harming you. I assume this is the first time it's happened in 2 years. Sounds fine.
Go out yourself or have a bubble bath, some wine and a DVD. I'm almost salivating at the idea of sitting in alone on a Saturday night with take away, wine, a film and some ice cream....

CheeseandPickledOnion · 20/01/2015 10:18

Agree with everyone else. If my live in partner wanted to stay out and give me the break from having him crawling into bed stinking and waking me up, I'd happily take it. And no way would I be driving out to pick him up. He's a freaking adult.

You will drive this man away with your controlling paranoia. Take it from someone who was on the other end of it. When someone smothers you and tries to control you and is sooo paranoid about cheating, it pretty much drives you away from them and in my case (many moons ago) it did make me look elsewhere. Self fulfilling prophecy....

Jan45 · 20/01/2015 13:42

You clearly don't trust him, perhaps your feelings are valid on that basis. What is your other thread about?

Pancakeflipper · 20/01/2015 13:49

Why is your trust of him so low? And I am not having a go at you, but this kind of reaction tends to be following some incident(s).

As someone else said earlier you collecting him won't stop him cheating if that is your worry - he's got the other weekends for that..

VanitasVanitatum · 20/01/2015 14:02

hooby to be fair she is not single, she is in a monogamous committed relationship. The 'legal' status isn't really the point.

I think the main point is OP you feel like this because you don't trust him. That is not his fault. He wants to stumble home drunk to his mums. He's not doing it every weekend, whats the issue. Maybe the party will carry on til five am, he can't know til the night starts. Either way, you're being suffocating and ridiculous.

Fudgeface123 · 20/01/2015 14:29

My DP is 46 and once a month he goes out with his friends. They live on the other side of town (about £50 in a taxi) so he stays either at one of theirs or his mums...there's no way I'd go out in the early hours to pick him up.

Does this mean he's acting like a 19 year old....whatever that is?

What would you say if he wanted to go away with his mates for a weekend?

Fudgeface123 · 20/01/2015 14:35

How do you feel on the nights he doesn't spend with you?

Dafspunk · 20/01/2015 15:00

If you really think he's going to be indulging in drugs and other women, you've got a lot more to worry about than just this one night.

Granville72 · 20/01/2015 15:05

You're not living together so why should he have to come home to you just because the kids are away that weekend?

He's been invited to an all guys party / get together and probably doesn't want to hassle you (whether you see it as a hassle or not) by getting you to come out at whatever time to pick him up. Besides, he's staying with his parents afterwards. Maybe he'd like to see his parents that weekend as well. Have you considered that?

Personally, if I didn't have trust issues in a relationship (whether we lived together or not) and my OH said he was off out for a get together and was staying over with his folks or a mate then I wouldn't bat an eye at this.

Maybe enjoy an evening to yourself, no kids and no OH. How about going out with your own friends that evening?

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