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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH stay out all night?

109 replies

patch123 · 19/01/2015 19:06

My OH has been invited to drinks for someone's birthday in the village where he used to live. I am free that night and not drinking so I said I will pick him up. He was VERY adamant that I shouldn't and that he should stay at his parents. I think this is strange as we are a couple, I have children so we get every other weekend on our own which is one of these times so I can't understand why he wouldn't want to come home to me and wake up with me? Wanting to stay at his parents and act like he's 20 again and not want to come home to his partner is immature and worrying I think.Am I being controlling and suspicious for no reason or is he out of order here?

OP posts:
Romeorodriguez · 19/01/2015 19:51

You may well end up driving him away with that controlling attitude.
It is perfectly normal to want a night with your friends and not be picked up by your girlfriend, don't you ever go out with your friends?
Why don't you trust him OP?

Millie3030 · 19/01/2015 19:52

IM with you OP, suspicious. I would think other women, or drugs. My DH will always ask for a lift home and would rather sleep in his own bed, than his parents, mates sofa, get a taxi etc.

But I know 2 guys aged 33 and 34 years old that do drugs on a night out and not come home as they don't want their wife and girlfriend to find out. One was also shagging another women too.

So I would think its suspicious, you are offering to go out at any time, he could get hammered and then text you saying babe can you get me at 3am? If you were happy to do that, don't know why he wouldn't want to.

Original poster
patch123 · 19/01/2015 19:52

Thanks whitsernam for understanding where I'm coming from and also Thanks to everyone else. Looks like I have to be alright with it but I will then be questioning what happened that night and still wonder why he doesn't want to come back to me... clearly I have trust issues.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 19/01/2015 19:53

You are being hugely insecure and controlling. This is not his fault. If this is an indication of your usual behaviour I should imagine he's desperate for some time to cut loose and enjoy himself. I feel really sorry for him.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 19/01/2015 19:53

I could understand you reacting like this if

  1. He has given you reason not to trust him
  2. You have been cheated on in the past.

Otherwise, he is doing you a favour by not needing a lift. Why don't you plan to go out with mates that night instead and allow him a little more trust?

googoodolly · 19/01/2015 19:53

Why can't he go out, with his friends, and stay with his parents in his home village? What's so WRONG with that?

If DP told me I couldn't go out and stay with my parents afterwards, I would be highly unimpressed Hmm. As it stands, we both tend to come back home after nights out just because our town is small and we'd rather sleep in our own bed as opposed to someone's sofa. But neither of us would object if we stayed at a friends.

If you trusted him, this wouldn't be an issue. You can't control him like this, you really can't.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/01/2015 19:54

You're being controlling and paranoid. Sure fire way to push him away if you're not careful.

Original poster
patch123 · 19/01/2015 19:55

Yes I do. At my work do this Christmas a group of girlfriends were staying at one of my colleagues houses for the night after the work do and I was invited but as my OH was going to be at mine I felt it was appropriate to go home to my partner, not stay out like I'm single. And I sort of expect the same in return. I don't want a man in his 30's who acts 19

OP posts:
HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 19/01/2015 19:58

then don't be with him, if he's not what you want.

Original poster
patch123 · 19/01/2015 20:00

Plus all the others guys going are in relationships and they are all being picked up by their partners..

OP posts:
googoodolly · 19/01/2015 20:00

What you choose to do in the same situation is irrelevant, really. He can do what he wants and spend the night where he wants - he doesn't live with you!

Why can't he go out and stay with his parents afterwards? What's actually WRONG with that?

Chaseface · 19/01/2015 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm · 19/01/2015 20:01

It sounds like you want different things. You're a mum with children; he still wants to party all night and you don't.

PixieChops · 19/01/2015 20:02

I used to be like this with an ex and want to be with them all the time. Note that they are an ex now, I never knew why we split up.
Anyway with my current partner if he wants to go out for a few beers with his friends he goes. We have a 9 month old and I am pregnant again. I can't go out drinking and I can't be bothered with drunk people.last year he stayed in a hotel with his mates in town for one of his friends 30th birthdays even though they could've got a taxi home. Yes I felt a bit anxious but that was more my issue and not his. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that yes there may well be girls there unless it's a bar where women aren't allowed. But you need to trust him and realise that they are your issues to deal with and not his. You could drive him away with being like this and unless you have a very good reason that you don't feel you can trust him then you don't really have a leg to stand on and should let him enjoy his night out.

googoodolly · 19/01/2015 20:03

he still wants to party all night and you don't.

I don't think going to the pub with your mates and staying with your mum and dad afterwards really counts as partying all night! He just wants to go out and wander home without having to keep anyone else up waiting to collect him. Sounds pretty considerate to me.

TurnOverTheTv · 19/01/2015 20:04

So what's going to happen the morning when he returns from his parents? I can imagine you getting worked up into state by the time he gets back. Texting him most of the night? Getting pissed off when he doesn't reply? Then there will be a god almighty row because you've wound yourself up so much you will be giving him the third degree about what time he got in etc? Will you check with his parents if he actually stayed there? I feel quite sorry for him, why don't you trust him. My husband would honestly not bat an eyelid if I said I was staying out all night, which I've done many times, because he trusts me!

Bowlersarm · 19/01/2015 20:05

the op hasn't said he's going to the pub, has she?

Fairylea · 19/01/2015 20:06

There's absolutely no way on earth I'd even consider dragging myself out at 2.30am or whenever to go and pick someone up. Shock

Surely you're not going to have any quality time by having him back at that time? I'd just let him get on with it. Experience has shown me that if people want to cheat then they will. Nothing you can do will stop them so you literally have to stop yourself worrying about it.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 19/01/2015 20:06

You really need people to agree with you, don't you?

And then what? supposing we all give you the answer you are craving, regardless our actual views - then what?

Hey boyfriend, strangers on the internet think you need to do what I say

That isn't likely to end well for you.

Far better to change yourself into a less suspicious and controlling person and have a happier relationship.

Trust me when I tell you that I know this. I honestly do. I'm not coming from some never felt a twinge of paranoia ever pov. Far from it. But trying to control someone through fear that they will leave you will result in the outcome you fear most. It won't make you happy. I know you don't want to take in what you are reading but please try.

JeanSeberg · 19/01/2015 20:07

I would think other women, or drugs

Give me strength...

googoodolly · 19/01/2015 20:07

Oh, true. But still, he's going for drinks and going back to his parents. I don't see how that's partying all night?

RiverTam · 19/01/2015 20:07

you are really overthinking it. A lad's night out in his home village and he can crash at his mum's. You don't have to pick him up (at 2 a.m.? Why the hell would you want to do that??) and put up with his drunken snoring and boozy reek and moaning about his hangover. He can crash at his mum's, she'll give him a fry up and he can rock up to yours clean as a whistle and a bit perkier. Win all the way. Doesn't make him a manchild.

Why on earth don't you arrange to do something yourself, either out with your mates or something lovely and indulgent at home?

SinglePringle · 19/01/2015 20:08

Jeeze - he wants one night out with his mates where he doesn't have to think 'I'd best not have another because Patch123 is waiting for me to call her to collect me and it's already 2am' and he's doing drugs and shagging around Confused? Bloody hell... He's planning on going back to his mum and dads - weaving his way back so he doesn't have to put any kind of curfew in himself.

I'd not be impressed if my partner got the arse with me about this and I'm in my 40's. They would be getting this > Hmm face.

Chaseface · 19/01/2015 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iklboo · 19/01/2015 20:10

The other guys are getting picked up by their partners.

Presumably because they live with them? I seriously doubt non-cohabitee girlfriends are planning what you want to do. They're probably doing their own thing. I know I would be.

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