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Original poster

Revenge on the other woman

126 replies

Tryingtostaycalm · 19/01/2015 16:21

I know revenge is bad for the soul etc etc. but I really need to have some. My husband cheated on me with a woman from his office for at least six months until I found out. They denied everything (and I caught it in the early stages of sexual contact I think) until I found more and more evidence. The other woman then proceeded to call me and tell me I was to blame, and it was because I was a rubbish wife. This is a woman who had just been cheating on her own husband (she has two kids, as do I).
Whereas I might normally let this go and leave it to karma, the fact that she was so vindictive and bitchy has made me really set on getting some kind of revenge on her. It has to be legal though as her husband is a policeman - and he doesn't know (he is violent and I didn't want him coming to my home looking for a fight). My husband and I are trying to work things out, even though I still haven't forgiven or forgotten what he has done.
Any ideas? Apart from 'let it go'? Because I can't.

OP posts:

mslizzy · 20/01/2015 13:28

murightfoot that story is awful. I am that you feel proud of humiliating another person in that way.

Your ex sounds charming, enjoying (encouraging?) this woman's attentions only to slag her off behind closed doors. What a gentleman

pinkfrocks · 20/01/2015 16:38

I might also say something along the lines of "whilst obviously as a respectable member of the police force, you would never risk your career by causing my husband serious harm, if you were to punch him the face while my head was turned, I wouldn't be any wiser"

That is a totally idiotic thing to say- you are inciting violence- GBH perhaps.

If you think physical violence is the answer to life's events then I feel sorry for you.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/01/2015 17:03

I hope that some of the stories here (like murightfoot's) and the ideas of revenge (like kaykay's) really do put some people off going down this path. I really do. The best place from whch to decide your next move OP is the moral high ground. When you look back you'll be glad you didn't stoop to her level

ShizeItsWeegie · 20/01/2015 17:25

I agree with other posters on here. Your DH has worked a number on you with a bullshit back story and it's worked like a charm. You need to look below the surface entirely here OP.

Are you seriously going to overlook this (apart from a bit of possibly ill advised revenge) because you need him to pay the bills? I find that pretty shocking. Was he aware of you possibly doing this before he had the affair? He may have felt confident that he would be forgiven pretty quickly and thus has given himself permission to go shag some mealy mouthed OW maybe? Not saying it's right but may explain?

Sistedtwister · 20/01/2015 17:28

I maintained a dignified silence which completely wound the pair of them up. OW was an attention junkie of the highest order. So then they had to get engaged to maintain the attention. Then of course get married. Me? Silence despite being accused of intimidation, stalking, begging him to come back - you name it they accused me of it but Ikept silent - my friends knew and they were the only ones that counted.

Fast forward 12 months and she announced she didn't love him she'd made a mistake and asked him to leave. He actually had the audacity to try to come back. I laughed him out of the door - that was my revenge.

As for OW I bumped into her a few months later. She asked if I had heard what had happened. I couldn't resist I said 'yes he told me, I think it's a real shame- I really thought he'd found his level with you'.

She THANKED me! It took her mate to explain the insult

MyRightFoot · 20/01/2015 17:34

mslizzy im very proud of the way i reacted to this womans abuse. she tried to undermine our relationship without ever knowing me. maybe that experience taught her not to chase after men who are in relationships, maybe i saved someone on mn from being cheated on. im very happy thank u and i still hold the moral highground - i have never, and never will pursue a committed man.

lemisscared · 20/01/2015 17:36

I don't understand - you are continuing with your marriage, with the person who cheated on you and you want to get revenge on the OW? you do know that if it wasn't her, itwould have been someone else don't you.

wickedlazy · 20/01/2015 17:48

I like MyRightFoot's' suggestion. I would do that. Make sure she is mentioned by name. Then give it a few days to sink in. Then I would contact her husband and play it to him. I don't think he would attack anyone except maybe your husband. Her husband deserves to know the truth. You let him know, you've done your bit. Whatever happens next is out of your hands. She could have lied to your dp that he was aggressive, in case things went sour and your dp told him what had been going on/in case you found out and wanted to tell him.

Personally, the next thing I would do would be to kick cheating lying bastard of a hubby out and file for divorce, but if you think you can fix things...

WannaBe · 20/01/2015 17:49

Is this how one rebuilds a marriage after an affair then? The cheater (rightly) has to show remorse and transparency and go all out to fix the wrong he has committed, meanwhile the cheated-on partner starts resorting to game-playing, threats, wanting to get revenge not on the cheating partner but on the ow, and then states that she can't throw him out because she needs him to pay the bills? two wrongs don't make a right you know. Being cheated on does give one the right to be hurt, angry, upset, and to demand answers and changes. It does not give one the right to turn into a psycho bitch out to destroy all around them while maintaining the facade of trying to work things out. .

But given the way the op is behaving now I can't help wonder if there was some truth to whatever it was the dh told the ow.

I can see the desire for revenge if the h leaves the marriage to set up home with the ow. But if you decide to take him back and work on the marriage then it isn't only him who needs to communicate and work on the marriage. While the cheated on partner may sometimes feel angry and upset even during the course of trying to rebuild the marriage, becoming emotionally abusive (and playing mind games such as threatening to tell the ow's dh just to watch him squirm is emotionally abusive) is not an acceptable course of action.

MyRightFoot · 20/01/2015 17:56

thank u wicked. however i would not tell the ow husband. he is innocent and doesnt deserve this. not to mention the threat of violence.

imip · 20/01/2015 18:02

Like others, I really understand the need for revenge, so by all means plan it, but don't do it....

And after a while, it'll sort itself out. I did an ace thing to my ex. Cheated on me with a younger women at his work, but claimed he'd always be my best friend anyway, I was the one who went NC. Apparently this really pissed him off - all of a sudden the world didn't centre around him. Him dumping me caused a split between our friends. I did the same and went NC with them. Made me appear a little mysterious, they couldn't gossip about me. I know this is harder to do with dcs, but dropping the communication a notch and being uncommunicative.

Also, a few years later I looked at a friend's wedding photos and he was there. She got REALLY fat, while I had lost weight. revenge served...

I know it's not much, but having half my friends taken from me and him shagging her in my bed, well ... Not exactly classy either....

BitOutOfPractice · 20/01/2015 18:56

Can you not see how much better SistedTwister's scenario is?

I sort of played it half way. I sent a considered, calm email to the OW. It had no effect whatsoever on her. She didn't give a shit. She already knew my ex-DP was a cheater because she knew about me when she fucked him. So it served no purpose at all apart from making me feel stupid.

After that I maintained a dignified silence. Sure enough, like Sistedtwister's OH, my ex came crawling back. That was my revenge. And let me tell you, it made me feel much better than all these dramatic scenarios suggetsed here.

OP, I hope you're OK

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/01/2015 19:03

BOOP - did you take him back?

BitOutOfPractice · 20/01/2015 19:48

No! Course not. I am happily settled with someone else wonderful.

But I enjoyed the satisfaction of him asking!

As an aside, the OW blamed me for them breaking up because, even though I had been NC with them both for years since I sent that email, she always felt that he was still in love with me.

Since they split up she has contacted me several times with some silly spiteful comment or another. I have laughed about her with my DP and friends and ignored. My silence drives her mad. I laugh even more.

Now that is revenge

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/01/2015 20:31

I don't think my STBXH would ever come crawling back to me but I can't say I wouldn't like the satisfaction of that happening to me.

I too would tell him where to go!

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/01/2015 20:34

....and right there - that's my weakness that keeps creeping in

mslizzy · 20/01/2015 21:44

myrightfoot I doubt your "revenge" caused the woman to reflect on her behaviour . I would say it only made her think you and your then partner were a pair of jerks. I imagine she also earnt the sympathy (rather than scorn) of everyone that heard about it. She has my sympathy

MyRightFoot · 20/01/2015 22:20

mslizzy i had no wish to know what she thought of me, could not care less. doing what i did made me feel better and get past the anger that was eating me up. we are all different and react in different ways when people attack us. revenge that is legal is an option for those who simply cant manage the dignified route. i think this girl is the biggest jerk for verbally attacking me because my bf told her politely i wasnt happy about her obvious chasing of him and would she please back off.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/01/2015 22:22

I'll stick with dignified thanks

IrianofWay · 21/01/2015 10:48

I quite understand the anger at the OW. It might not be logical but it's perfectly understandable. However nothing I could do to her would have made me feel better. And I'd have lost my dignity and self-respect.

What eased that anger was time and recovering my relationship with my H. The best 'revenge' I guess is knowing that we are happier than ever and I feel safer and more loved than I had for many years.

IrianofWay · 21/01/2015 10:50

However "i think this girl is the biggest jerk for verbally attacking me because my bf told her politely i wasnt happy about her obvious chasing of him and would she please back off" I am not sure my dignity would have survived intact if she had done that to me. Thankfully she kept out of my way.

marriageisatrainwreck · 21/01/2015 11:08

I get it.
I really do.
But the best revenge is a life well lived!
Dh had an affair with ds3s nursery keywords. She is single and has a daughter in ds2s class. She knew I was struggling when pregnant and I considered her a friend.
DH regrets what he did. We're both now working on our marriage and things are bizarrely better than they were before the affair.

I blame dh for what happened but that doesn't stop me hating the ow. However rather than violence I've decided to put the energy into making myself fitter and happier. When I see her now I see someone sourfaced and negative. I know I'm fitter and genuinely happier than I've been in years....... better revenge than punching her and getting a criminal record surely!

So if u are only staying with him for his money then please think again..... put your energy back into yourself. Best of luck

marriageisatrainwreck · 21/01/2015 11:09

Keywords=keyworker

Sistedtwister · 21/01/2015 15:50

It is most satisfying BOOP isn't it?

I'll never forget the look on his face, I actually felt quite sorry for him for a while. Then I got grip

Minniepinnie2 · 21/01/2015 16:39

My ex had an affair and it was the OW who wanted revenge on me!!!
When I found out about their affair, I kicked him out, but he didn't go to her infact he did everything he could to try to get back with me. She wanted revenge on me because he told her he had made a big mistake, and I was the best thing he ever had and needed to win me back!!! Which he didn't I wouldn't ever let anyone treat me like that.

I thought if I remained dignified and kept ignoring her she would go away, but it just made her mad. In the end I had to call the Police on her,

I would like to think she feels really stupid about it all now, but hey you never know.

Please don't seek revenge on her, you will hate yourself afterwards. Hold your head up high and be the better person.

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