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Original poster

Revenge on the other woman

126 replies

Tryingtostaycalm · 19/01/2015 16:21

I know revenge is bad for the soul etc etc. but I really need to have some. My husband cheated on me with a woman from his office for at least six months until I found out. They denied everything (and I caught it in the early stages of sexual contact I think) until I found more and more evidence. The other woman then proceeded to call me and tell me I was to blame, and it was because I was a rubbish wife. This is a woman who had just been cheating on her own husband (she has two kids, as do I).
Whereas I might normally let this go and leave it to karma, the fact that she was so vindictive and bitchy has made me really set on getting some kind of revenge on her. It has to be legal though as her husband is a policeman - and he doesn't know (he is violent and I didn't want him coming to my home looking for a fight). My husband and I are trying to work things out, even though I still haven't forgiven or forgotten what he has done.
Any ideas? Apart from 'let it go'? Because I can't.

OP posts:
Wrapdress · 19/01/2015 17:55

She's only repeating what your husband told her. He probably realized you are only using him for his money and he's mad, so talking bad about you to her.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/01/2015 17:55

It hurts - so much Sad

But

Maintain your dignity

Kick him out, get a divorce and start a new life.

Bitterness will eat you up and make you ugly.

I'm sorry you've been through such betrayal

glenthebattleostrich · 19/01/2015 17:57

Agree with Mary, scare the shit out of the pair of them.

And I really don't get this point of view that she has done nothing wrong. She knew he was married and chose to cheat to. It takes two. Yes the husband is the one the OP should be most angry with but what kind of person cheats with someones husband then phones and goads them? A pretty shitty person in my opinion.

MyRightFoot · 19/01/2015 18:07

when uve been wronged and its early stages, it doesnt help to be told to be dignified. it makes u feel inadequate that u cant get past it. i tried it. i went to church to try to learn to forgive, but it only lasted so long. when i put the ow in her place, all my anger fell away and i was able to focus. that focus led to me finishing the relationship. revenge is fine as long as its legal and doesnt lead to physical harm.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/01/2015 18:10

myrightfoot - I do understand where you are coming from. Can you say what you did?

I can't pretend I haven't dreamt of it myself, I'm not perfect but I am glad I didn't do anything now.

MaryWestmacott · 19/01/2015 18:15

Tell your Dh you are telling, watch him squirm. Then start planning life without him. He might well pay the bills, but what would you be entitled to maintenance wise and benefit wise without him? Start planning, because actually, you can't rely on your DH - if she became free, would he leave you? See what situation you would end up in. Don't let revenge take up your energy now, when you could be working out how to cope, what you'd get, using this time to get legal advice rather than revenge advice.

If it was just a distraction and fun for her, she might well panic if you throw your DH out, right now it's all contained.

CurlyRedHairfor2015ok · 19/01/2015 18:21

I agree totally with anyfucker. If her husband is violent I would do nothing. Her husband is violent. That's her lot.

btw, you're not obliged to work things out with your H.

MyRightFoot · 19/01/2015 18:24

handful i taped him saying she looked like a man and had halitosis and sent the tape to her. they didnt have an affair, she worked with him and started chasing him a bit, out of hours texts etc. he told her i wasnt happy with it and she sent a vile txt calling me a desperate bunny boiler! so the tape did the trick but i felt he hadnt dealt with her properly and i finished with him a few months later. i heard back she collapsed in tears when she heard the tape.

babbityann · 19/01/2015 18:31

I understand your desire for revenge. Can you really believe your husband though? If the husband is violent I would not advise telling him (he may come around and beat up your husband)
As advised upthread, wait. Let things settle a bit. When did you find out about the affair? If very recently you may be still in shock and relieved to have him 'pick you'. However, that will soon wear off and other emotions replace it. You may realise that your H is not worth keeping.
Also, what is the point in revenge if you can't witness the result?
Is he still in contact with her?

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/01/2015 18:31

The hurtful part of me can't help but Smile at that myrightfoot

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 19/01/2015 18:33

He told her that you were a shit wife and blah blah blah as that's what cheating men tell the women they cheat with.

There is no point in exacting any revenge. Seriously. Better put your efforts into putting yourself first, not her and not even your husband.

MaryWestmacott · 19/01/2015 18:34

oh and agree if you really think her DH might be the violent type, then don't tell him, but tht doesn't mean you can't tell your DH that you will tell him... let them panic. Fuck 'em, they didn't care about your stress levels or feelings. That's not to say you do it and put either in danger, but there's nothing wrong with causing some stress back at her...

HootyMcTooty · 19/01/2015 21:15

I understand your anger towards her, she's obviously a massive bitch, but here's the thing, your DH was the one that cheated on you, your DH is the one who has told her everything she's repeated to you on the phone.

If you can see it in your heart to forgive your DH, why are you hanging onto anger towards her?

Her husband is violent. If this is true you must be aware that any revenge you take might result in a woman being beaten by her husband. If you can live with that then crack on, but you become as bad as them and lose any moral high ground you have. Would you be able to sleep at night knowing what you'd caused?Please don't.

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 19/01/2015 21:46

My dad once had an affair, my mum wrote a letter to the woman's (very traditional parents) telling them all about it. Apparently it was TOTALLY worth it!

Lweji · 19/01/2015 21:54

She blamed you to justify her own actions, including in relation to her husband, who she probably also blames in her head.
Dump the sorry arse that is still your husband and be happy.

iwashappy · 19/01/2015 23:18

Sorry to hear what your husband has done.

As a previous poster has suggested write a letter saying exactly what you think of OW but don't send it. It helps to vent a little of your anger especially when you feel that she hasn't had any consequences to what she has done. But despite her part in it and even if she is being bitchy it is still far more your husband's fault although I totally understand how you feel.

I hope your husband proves worthy of you giving him another chance.

Does she still work with your husband? If so that must be very hard for you.

Myrightfoot well done! that must have stung!

Purplefrogeatsalily · 19/01/2015 23:22

She's got your twit of a lying, deceitful, caniving ex-husband. A drama about to unfold- because they never do change. Get your popcorn out- she deserves it!

textfan · 20/01/2015 02:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan · 20/01/2015 09:15

What she told you about you being a rubbish wife, is what he told her and it hurts because you know he was the source. Your revenge fantasy isn't about exposing a duplicitous woman, it's about distracting you from a duplicitous man.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/01/2015 09:20

letmeatcake why? Why is it "worth it" to hurt two completely innocent people? I just don't get it. And trust me, I do know how this feels.

kaykayred · 20/01/2015 09:27

I would tell her husband.

If only because I think it's wrong he should be the only one not to know that his wife has been unfaithful.

I might also say something along the lines of "whilst obviously as a respectable member of the police force, you would never risk your career by causing my husband serious harm, if you were to punch him the face while my head was turned, I wouldn't be any wiser"

Depends if he truly is a nutcase though. Sounds to me like a convenient excuse to guilt trip you into not saying anything.

Greywackejones · 20/01/2015 09:32

Your husband had an affair
Your husband told lies about your marriage to her
Your husband hurt her (hence her call to you)
Your husband hurt you

But it's all 'her' fault you silly deluded person isn't it? (Sigh)

BitOutOfPractice · 20/01/2015 09:57

I don't think it's "silly" to feel like this. (I particularly HATE being told my feelings are silly. It really grips my shit actually). It's not silly. It's perfectly natural and understandable. But it will not be productive or healing to the op to act on them.

MaryWestmacott · 20/01/2015 11:35

Grey - the OP doesn't say she thinks it's all the OW's fault, but a big part of why she is so hurt is down to the OW's behaviour, not just having the affair, but then calling to insult the OP. It's the OW's fault that the OW behaved terribly to the OP, she might have accidentally hurt her by having an affair with the OP's DH, but she delibrately called the OP just to try to hurt her.

The 'violent copper husband' is just bollocks - she's not scared of his reaction to finding out or her phone call to the OP would have been her begging the OP not to tell him, not winding up the OP, plus he's got a lot to lose by a charge of assault. It sounds like the OP's DH trying to shut her up and keep this their secret, not blowing up the OW's marriage, not damaging both of their careers by work finding out, not damaging her DH's (or OW's) reputation in the wider family and social group.

"You must stay quiet and keep this between us or the woman who I had an affair with will be beaten up and that will be all your fault." Nice and neat and blaming the one person who hasn't done anything wrong, and nice and neat and stopping her from being able to be open publically about it and get support from others. Nice and neat and stops the OW's DH finding out, throwing her out and the OP's DH feeling he's expected to look after her/support her through her relationshp breaking down.

SoupDragon · 20/01/2015 11:40

Plan lots of revenge. Really truly innovative and wonderful revenge. Enjoy doing this, have lots of fun imagining it.

And then do nothing.

I have zero sympathy for anyone who knowingly has an affair with a married person (the fact that the married person is equally despicable is a given). However, revenge is pointless. Beyond somehow telling her DH - now that is something I don't think I could resist given she has phoned you and been a bitch.

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