Pregnant and dating. Very odd situation... could really use some help!

[hcbelle]

Hi everyone
This is quite an odd one, and I've been mulling it over for a while but finally decided I need to sort my head out. Any advice or thoughts would be most welcome. Please bear with me if you can as this is kind of long.

I'm pregnant (36 weeks today!) with my first child. it's been a fairly rocky pregnancy - the dad, my ex, bowed out completely after dicking around for 2 months unsure of whether he wanted to be involved. We're young (27) and while I wanted it to work, I wasn't hugely surprised when he ditched me and bump. That was about 3 months ago. I'd started a new job a couple of months before, a couple of my best friends had moved abroad, close flatmate moved out and I was gutted by the breakup and found pregnancy hormones really tricky on top- was lonely, spending most weekends on my own feeling quite isolated, and really missed sex and companionship (especially sex... hormones again!)

Whether a good idea or not, I ended up meeting up with an old flame with whom I had a LTR that ended 4 years ago- we have since caught up once or twice a year and it's been amenable. For whatever reason, I didn't tell him I was pregnant when we met up first 3 months ago. I wasn't showing really at all and we had no mutual friends that would have passed on the news. In hindsight I guess as part of dealing with being alone etc, I just wanted to feel like my old self, not be seen differently by a guy I had always held a bit of a candle for since the breakup, Maybe selfish or weird but it made sense at the time! And we had such a good time together, both single for the first time in ages, that we met up the next week, contacting each other a fair bit inbetween, and the week after... and before long we slept together. Please don't judge me for this but I never knew how to bring up the fact I was 5/6 mos pregnant... I was enjoying having him back in my life and the companionship and the sex so much, and I kept thinking "I'll bring it up next time", but I just never did for fear of him losing interest as I gained feelings... and time has gone on... He is in the army so lives on base about an hour away in the week, usually comes up in the week and on the weekend to see me and stays over, but it has made it easier to compartmentalise in a way.

I know this sounds absolutely mad as I'm almost term now, and showing to the extent that I always get given a seat on the tube, people comment when they see me etc... but I am still seeing this guy twice a week, including regular sex (protected), and he has not said anything - and neither have I. My bump is small but I'm slim elsewhere and it definitely doesn't look "right", some clothes could flatter it but naked I'm sure it doesnt look like a normal tummy! I don't know whether he could genuinely have no inkling how pregnant I am, or if he has guessed and doesn't mind, or is too embarrassed to say...

I feel like a horrible person. I don't regret my decision to keep my baby and I get such rushes of love and excitement to meet her, and everyone else in my life knows and is excited: maternity leave from work sorted, friends and family thrilled, mum fully on board to help with whatever I need. But I feel like I'm still in some level of denial or I'd have come clean with my guy. And it would now seem SO odd after 3 months of dating! I also dread that he will most likely say he's not interested in me with another guy's baby, and that will be it. Like I said, I've always carried feelings for him, and he is an absolutely lovely guy and since reconnecting it feels like we are both much more grownup (he is 29) and would be a better couple. If I wasn't due to have my baby, I'd be feeling happy about how things are progressing as nothing else is amiss... but I feel like I'm a ticking timebomb. Literally. I could go into labour at any time now... But it hurts to think of losing him, especially as I guess he might be very angry at me for "deceiving" him. I also dont know if it's weird to have been sleeping with someone else while carrying my baby (irrational maybe). Please don't think I don't care about my child or that I'm being selfish, this isn't about me not wanting her.. I just am so confused.

What can I do? Truly down, and the pregnancy has been tough enough... I want my baby and him, obviously she takes precedence, but this is just a horrible situation (my own fault I know.)

You have to level with each other or you really would be selfish. He may or may not realise that you are heavily pregnant. He may be saying nothing because you're saying nothing. He may just think you're fat and is saying nothing out of politeness. However, the foundation of a good relationship is honesty and, if you carry on saying nothing, it can only get worse rather than better.

If he dumps you because you are pregnant or because you haven't told him, that's just a chance you have to take. What were you planning to do when the baby arrived? Hide her in a cupboard when he came round?

Like it or not, you are deceiving him (or at least trying to).

I find it difficult to believe that he hasn't spotted your pregnancy or suspects. But it really isn't fair of you not to be upfront with him (nor for him to not be upfront with you).

If he has feelings for you it's really very unfair of you to put him in a position where, in a few weeks, your life is going to change fundamentally and he doesn't know that.

I wish you luck!

I think you need to have the conversation! If it's too awkward in person then send a message saying that you are pregnant but would still like to carry on with the arrangement and so on. She how he responds.

It's highly unlikely that he doesn't know and you may well not be able to DTD once you have your baby for a wee while.

Be brave and tell him! Let us know what he says!

I'd take a deep breath and send a text explaining everything, apologising for not discussing sooner and for texting it and saying you're happy to speak on the phone if he'd like to (that's just me, I'm a bit wimpy with phoning!). It sounds v likely he has noticed and will probably be relieved you have brought it up. Good luck!

He must have noticed. He must. At 36 weeks pg with severe hyperemesis I could tell I was pg and I'd lost 2 stone since conception. I know some women 'don't know' until birth but they are usually larger ladies who are carrying further back. If you have a bump & you are slim otherwise it is pretty obvious it is not weight gain.

I can understand why you are both reluctant to discuss it because then things will change but when your baby comes they will anyway! If he is an old flame it sounds like he's been carrying a torch for you too & you can both work it out. You need to communicate though or your relationship will fail. This is a new one for MN! I wonder if he thinks you are pg & its his and you are just showing early? I'm grasping at straws here because I can't believe you've skirted around it!

As a former midwife I know some women really do carry babies without showing much and presumable you are hiding your bump to some degree? So it is quite possible he genuinely doesn't realise or if the penny is beginning to drop he almost definitely doesn't realise how close you are. So this is obviously an unsustainable situation.

Sounds as if in your dreams he will say he wants to carry on being with you. I'm sorry but that is fairly unlikely but you never know.

If you just drop him then it is a) mean and b) you haven't given it a chance. Ok, you risk being the object of his anger if he feels mislead and risk being dumped but he deserves an honest explanation from you and the chance to at least decide for himself.

He may decide to take some breathing space and see you after the birth, or he may just walks he might possibly decide to stick around.

In your shoes I might send him an email saying you have something really important to tell him to give him a chance to prepared them if you can do the rest face to face. You explain it well on here, you can do it.

Lastly, be honest with yourself. Have you enjoyed the company, sex, feeling like your old self and the 'no strings' aspect of this? That's ok. Or do you see yourself with him, being the official partner or army wife? I'm sure that's not easy but great for a casual thing like you have now. Sort this out in your head before telling him. It makes all the difference as to whether you would want him being involved with your child or simply hooking up as and when for fun.

Good luck.

@weedinthepool - I know, I feel pretty ridiculous and very guilty to both him and my baby for skirting round it. Or not even "skirting"- just having it be the elephant in the room!

I know you guys are right and I have to (wo)man up but I just am scared to lose him. I already lost my baby's dad (though never had anything like the relationship I once had with this guy, with my ex) and I worry pregnancy has made me completely mental and capable of being this selfish..

Just re write your opening post on here so it is directly addressing him and then email it to him, sometimes you have to just throw everything in the air and let the chips fall where they may...

How is he with you, does he seem to care about you and enjoy your company , does he like YOU or is it just sex?

If It's the former, he may well be okay with the situation. I would give him the due respect, tell him It's time you had a bit of a talk but you're prepared for his whatever answer, and bite the bullet. Let us know!

If It's the latter, well pregnant or not-if you have feelings for him you'd be better off out of that situation anyway.

even if you can't find the courage to tell him the truth will come out, literally, in about 4 weeks.

Deep breath, tell him. Just explain what you have told us here. With luck he'll be understanding.

"I just am scared to lose him"

That's a really vulnerable & potentially dangerous position to put yourself in. Even if your relationship with this person continues, if you can't say important things for fear of them walking out, you are going to be up shit creek without a paddle on a regular basis.

You're going to be a mother soon and your DD will be 100% dependent and 100% reliant on you to roll up your sleeves and fight on her behalf when necessary. No-one else should take priority over your child. If you can't even acknowledge her existence to the man you're having sex with, you shouldn't be dating.

You have massively deceived this man. It's not the point that your pregnant. The important thing is the deceit which IMHO is wrong. But if this man can accept this then fine.

Could you work on the basis that he does know and say that you have really appreciated his support over the past few months and loved spending time with him but, you know, things will probably change quite a lot next month when the baby arrives and does he want to see you still. If people are standing up for you on the bus then he must have noticed, surely?

OP, sorry I wasn't trying to berate you at all, I was just shocked! I can NOT imagine that he hasn't noticed.

Pregnancy hasn't made you mental or selfish and I wouldn't feel guilt towards your baby. She's oblivious & you are obviously going to be a great mum as it is really apparent you will put her first. Hormones are weird and as human beings if we are enjoying something we tend to want it to carry on.

It's just that taking on someone with a child with someone else is a biggie & the fact that you are still pregnant makes it even more tricky. My friend started dating someone whilst she was pregnant, but he knew she was when he asked her out so its different but that shows that some men are not bothered I suppose. I am newly single with 3 dc's so I'm not being judgemental at all.

When he comes to see you does he not notice all the baby stuff you have in your house

In my view "deceiving him" would be to try and pass off the baby as if it were his or something. What you haven't done, is been honest with him about your situation, and you really are just going to have to buck the fuck up and do it. I know pregnancy hormones blah blah blah, but you're going to be a parent shortly. That should be the focus of your concerns at the moment, not "my boyfriend won't like me anymore"

It doesn't sound like you two are in a serious relationship - just something physical and pretty casual. Your child isn't some inconvenience standing in the way of some epic romance!

Just send him an e-mail saying

"Okay, I assumed you already had this figured out, but we both wanted to avoid talking about it. But I can't put it off any longer, just in case you hadn't realised. I'm 9 months pregnant from my previous relationship before we re-established contact, and could go into labour any day now. I really, genuinely have enjoyed our time together, but obviously I completely understand that you may no longer wish to be involved in my life as a lover considering the circumstances. I'm sorry that I didn't raise this earlier - it felt like if I did, then everything would come crashing down, but obviously I can't hide from the truth forever".

If he never replies, you have your answer. Don't chase him for a response. This man owes you nothing.

Really appreciate all the views everyone. Not an easy read though!

@Matilda: your points are really good. i think that I'm struggling with the fact I do want more from him than just casual (even if just in the future) - because we have a long history I'm not sure I could see him differently from that, though it wasnt really on my mind when we started seeing each other again (I dont know what exactly I was thinking tbh)

@judydoes: It's not just a sex thing, we talk loads and do a lot together, and we had a 4 year LTR in the past, which has brought up a lot of old feelings for us both I think. I mean I can't speak for him but I feel like it's not just about the sex on either end.

@CogitoErgo: no one is "taking priority" over my child. I've done the absolute best I can for her already and that will only continue. Work-wise, money-wise, childcare-wise, but most of all I have never not wanted her and I have loved her since I first found out, however difficult other things have been, I'm just doing the best I can and I know I've made a mistake in not being honest with this guy. But as I said in my OP, this is not about me not wanting her or feeling any differently about her because of a man. I don't know how I can "fight for her" more than I already have.. including with her (twunt) father. Not asking for a medal or praise, I know it's my job to do that.

@weedinthepool: thanks :)

@HootyMcTooty: i've been keeping most of the "big" baby stuff eg cot at my mum's as we've had to repaint my room and move out a load of stuff, so that's all happening now as edd gets closer. the clothes etc are just in a box waiting. Maybe some people are more prepared by 36 weeks but i've gone through such highs and lows the whole time, i've been doing everything a really small bit at a time- couldnt get excited (or really afford) to going shopping til fairly recently. So there hasn't been much to see!

kaykayred that email is very very good. OP I'd follow everything that post says.

Another one in favour of an 'all out in the open' email. Really good luck!

In that case then I agree with other posters, there's no way he hasn't figured it out, he's probably waiting for you to address it. Definitely send an email. Good luck

Should I email him though or call, or talk in person when I see him on Saturday? I'm not averse to emailing and kaykayred's email is perfect but I don't know if I should do it via that medium. Is it fair?

hcbelle I personally think email is more fair to him. He won't be expected to react straight away (which could be hurtful potentially, depending on how he reacts). It is a difficult conversation to have so I don't think he would think any less of you by choosing to send an email. It also gets the situation across in a measured way. Agree that kaykayred's email is spot on. Hope it goes well OP.

kaykayred's email is perfect - and may well be the truth. Better to present it as the big elephant in the room that no-one has mentioned rather than as something he doesn't know a thing about.

You never know, he might be happy about it. My cousin found out she was pregnant when she was nearly 8 months (long story and very strong reasons why she would never have realised - none of us did as she didn't show at all).

She split up with the long-term boyfriend about the week she got PG. Her new boyfriend of 3 months even offered to pass the baby of as his and adored her now 4 year-old son (they split recently as it was impractical for them to stay together - 300 miles apart and neither able to move nearer).

Lots of people may disagree, but I might be inclined to refer to the baby's gender. A lot of men have very different feelings towards a baby girl than towards 'another man's son' for some reason.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

I think if he knew he'd have said something. Men can be surprisingly clueless about women's bodies, he may just think you've got fat.

Either way, it's such a betrayal that, even if he likes you it would be very difficult to go forward with this relationship, even if he wanted to, which he may not.

I think you need to think less in terms of 'I don't want to lose him' and more 'I most likely will, so what do I need to do to make things ok for me and the baby'.