Pregnant and dating. Very odd situation... could really use some help!

[hcbelle]

Hi everyone
This is quite an odd one, and I've been mulling it over for a while but finally decided I need to sort my head out. Any advice or thoughts would be most welcome. Please bear with me if you can as this is kind of long.

I'm pregnant (36 weeks today!) with my first child. it's been a fairly rocky pregnancy - the dad, my ex, bowed out completely after dicking around for 2 months unsure of whether he wanted to be involved. We're young (27) and while I wanted it to work, I wasn't hugely surprised when he ditched me and bump. That was about 3 months ago. I'd started a new job a couple of months before, a couple of my best friends had moved abroad, close flatmate moved out and I was gutted by the breakup and found pregnancy hormones really tricky on top- was lonely, spending most weekends on my own feeling quite isolated, and really missed sex and companionship (especially sex... hormones again!)

Whether a good idea or not, I ended up meeting up with an old flame with whom I had a LTR that ended 4 years ago- we have since caught up once or twice a year and it's been amenable. For whatever reason, I didn't tell him I was pregnant when we met up first 3 months ago. I wasn't showing really at all and we had no mutual friends that would have passed on the news. In hindsight I guess as part of dealing with being alone etc, I just wanted to feel like my old self, not be seen differently by a guy I had always held a bit of a candle for since the breakup, Maybe selfish or weird but it made sense at the time! And we had such a good time together, both single for the first time in ages, that we met up the next week, contacting each other a fair bit inbetween, and the week after... and before long we slept together. Please don't judge me for this but I never knew how to bring up the fact I was 5/6 mos pregnant... I was enjoying having him back in my life and the companionship and the sex so much, and I kept thinking "I'll bring it up next time", but I just never did for fear of him losing interest as I gained feelings... and time has gone on... He is in the army so lives on base about an hour away in the week, usually comes up in the week and on the weekend to see me and stays over, but it has made it easier to compartmentalise in a way.

I know this sounds absolutely mad as I'm almost term now, and showing to the extent that I always get given a seat on the tube, people comment when they see me etc... but I am still seeing this guy twice a week, including regular sex (protected), and he has not said anything - and neither have I. My bump is small but I'm slim elsewhere and it definitely doesn't look "right", some clothes could flatter it but naked I'm sure it doesnt look like a normal tummy! I don't know whether he could genuinely have no inkling how pregnant I am, or if he has guessed and doesn't mind, or is too embarrassed to say...

I feel like a horrible person. I don't regret my decision to keep my baby and I get such rushes of love and excitement to meet her, and everyone else in my life knows and is excited: maternity leave from work sorted, friends and family thrilled, mum fully on board to help with whatever I need. But I feel like I'm still in some level of denial or I'd have come clean with my guy. And it would now seem SO odd after 3 months of dating! I also dread that he will most likely say he's not interested in me with another guy's baby, and that will be it. Like I said, I've always carried feelings for him, and he is an absolutely lovely guy and since reconnecting it feels like we are both much more grownup (he is 29) and would be a better couple. If I wasn't due to have my baby, I'd be feeling happy about how things are progressing as nothing else is amiss... but I feel like I'm a ticking timebomb. Literally. I could go into labour at any time now... But it hurts to think of losing him, especially as I guess he might be very angry at me for "deceiving" him. I also dont know if it's weird to have been sleeping with someone else while carrying my baby (irrational maybe). Please don't think I don't care about my child or that I'm being selfish, this isn't about me not wanting her.. I just am so confused.

What can I do? Truly down, and the pregnancy has been tough enough... I want my baby and him, obviously she takes precedence, but this is just a horrible situation (my own fault I know.)

I really don't think you should spring this on him face to face. I think send an email, the one detailed on the previous page is spot on and you can obviously add to it if you wish.

I feel for you, but this situation, as you rightly state has gotten ridiculous. You need to put an end to this now, today. Fess up and let him digest and who knows, you may still see him on Saturday, even if it’s just to talk it all through face to face.

Good luck!

@Twinklestein: I see where you're coming from, but I don't know if it's a betrayal. He hasn't initiated a conversation about us being officially together, we see each other a fair bit and talk nearly every day, but it's definitely being taken slow. Not to say that I'm not developing feelings or that I think he could be, but I'm not sure what I've been betraying (except, maybe, my unborn child- and I do feel guilty about that because I'm not ashamed of her)
If we were in an established relationship that was full of future talk and talking about feelings a lot etc (beyond "I really like spending time with you" and stuff) I think it would feel a lot more like a betrayal of him. As it is, I know it should have been mentioned, but I doubt if he no longer wants to be involved with me, that it would be because I "betrayed" him more than because of the fact that I'm having a baby iyswim. I'm not saying I've acted well, but maybe the ambiguity on both sides has made it even harder as I haven't felt "pushed" to have the talk yet

Golly Belle, you are in a pickle. I agree with all the pps who advise full disclosure to your OH.
I suggest that if he backs away, still keep communication lines open. Sometimes people need a little time and space to deal with 'big' news.
I wish you and your baby a fabulous future and fingers crossed for your relationship.

@Nollaig: thank you

I think you shouldn't email, definitely face to face. Say something like 'the baby is due in four weeks, can we talk about it?'

It's not an overt betrayal, but it's certainly a betrayal by omission. It feels a bit like you've been searching for ways to avoid addressing the elephant in the room (i.e. he hasn't initiated any conversations about the two of you being an official couple) and that's helped you to justify carrying on as you are. It's all very understandable! But I think if you're really honest with yourself, deep down, there's something ludicrous about having the sort of relationship with a man where you talk nearly every day and have regular sex, and yet can keep convincing yourself that it's not the right time to tell him you're going to give birth in a few weeks.

I'm not judging you: I can see how it's all panned out and I sympathise. I hope you get the courage to tell him and he reacts well, whether he decides to carry on seeing you or not.

I hope it all works out for you! So many things could happen here.

He could want nothing to do with the baby, but still want to see you.

He could be as above, but be your support with birth and help you in the early days.

He could have (I don't see how but It's possible) totally missed the fact that you're pregnant and be angry with you BUT still come round if he knows you. If you explain as you have to us, the reasons why-that you like him and wanted to keep things, he may take that as a compliment?

He could be thrilled and expect to be 'dad'? I for one know one woman who met her now husband whilst pregnant and he did just that. It's not impossible.

He could run off and leave you to it, either because that was his plan all along or he genuinely missed you being pregnant-but by the sounds of it, he seems decent and seems to be someone you entrust enough I don't think he will.

Nothing to add because other posters have said everything far more eloquently than I could.

I agree that you need to have a face to face conversation (like now...) and if he hasn't twigged, be prepared for him to be stunned and in need of a bit of time to process this.

You know you should have spoken to him about it, you can't change that now but you can just tell him what you've told us - the truth.

I hope it all goes well - both the conversation and the arrival of your little girl.

Sending a hug ((x))

It's a lie by omission. You didn't lie to his face, but you withheld the truth. If you'd only just met, well you wouldnt really owe him anything. But, I think a friend, with whom you had a fairly long relationship with in the past, is owed the truth.

If he doesn't want anything serious, he's not lost much. But if he was thinking of rekindling anything, this - the lie and the baby - is going to be very difficult to work around.

Im not judging you OP, I understand how you got where you are, but I think you may be it will be more painful in the long run if you don't admit to yourself now that isn't that likely to work out. If you take the pessimistic view, if it does work out then brilliant, but if it doesn't you will be prepared and have a realistic plan for you and the baby's life going forward.

OP - Sorry if my post seemed a bit harsh, it wasn't intended to be nasty, but I thought it sounded like you might have needed a liiiiiiittle bit of tough love.

I strongly recommend an e-mail - it gives you the time to really consider what you are saying, and to put it forwards without emotion. It's also much easier to do, and mean that he can read and process it in private, and in his own time. If you do it in person or over the phone...he is kind of pressured to give you an immediate response. Not to mention it's about a billion times harder to do, and you'll probably end up rambling (at least I know I would).

Get it out tonight or first thing tomorrow. That gives him a day to process, and to decide if he still wants to see you on saturday, or if he needs a bit more time. If he doesn't want to see you on saturday it doesn't mean he hates you - it could easily mean he isn't sure what the fuck just happened and needs to get his head around it! But I would definitely work on the assumption that it's over now. And that's okay - your life is going to be very busy soon!

Another vote for sending him an email - the one above is great - as it gives him a chance to wrap his head around it all a bit. It's possible, if unlikely, that it will be an almighty shock! Maybe just add a brief sentence explaining that you chose to email rather than speak in person so that he might have a bit of space to gather his thoughts

Good luck OP!

I also agree with kaykayred and others that an email is actually fairer to him as it gives him time to think before responding.....and if by some miracle he really hasn't realised then it will be a pretty big shock I would think. And conversations at times like those rarely go brilliantly

I agree too. He needs to be allowed to think about his response rather than being put on the spot and feeling under sudden and unexpected pressure to avoid causing huge upset.

Good luck. Really hope it works out for you.

No advice but hoping you get what you want xx

How are things op? You must look after yourself through all this. I found the pregnancy hormones made me incapable of thinking in a calm and rational manner, everything was the end of the world. The stress did me no good whatsoever. Whatever the outcome, you will be ok. Pretty soon you will have a whole new focus, believe me. This stuff will seem pretty unimportant when your little girl makes her appearance. you can do this on your own if needs be, try not to worry.

Thanks again for all the comments everyone, and the good wishes! Having a really tricky time to be honest... I've not told many people IRL about the situation as I know it's very odd and I feel quite embarrassed, so it's good to get advice, but it really has made me feel quite ashamed of myself because I never wanted to hurt this guy and I know I'm going to. Even on the small chance he'd be OK with it all, I know he will be hurt and possibly even feel that I have been using him or trying to trap him into a situation he wasn't even aware of because I'm scared of being alone. I don't think that's what it's been about, because I've always had feelings for him, he was someone I loved and lived with for 4 years in the past and while I'll never know what would have happened if we had reconnected and I hadn't been pregnant, the way things have been going, it seems like we still have something together.

People on this thread have been saying tell him definitely by email or definitely face to face. I think the majority saying email - but I guess I just worry he won't know my feelings are genuine for him as email is more impersonal and open to interpretation (and I really am worried he will think I don't really want him, I just don't want to be a single mum.) Equally though I don't want to put him on the spot and clearly it's not going to be an easy conversation to initiate in person! Really tricky one.

@flanjabelle: I'm worried on top of this that various things will conspire to really hit me hard when my baby is borh and that I won't bond with her. It's been such a hard pregnancy - really bad sickness for months, I originally got as far as booking my abortion appointment (at 10 weeks) and then realising I didn't want to go through with it, ended up with baby's dad walking out, and the loneliness and reality of being a single mum has been eating at me on and off. Good days and bad days and it's worse when I'm alone, but as all my friends are single and going out etc I feel like they've stopped inviting me out because I'm pregnant. My mum has been a big support but she's away every weekend. Like I said in my OP, I don't regret my decision, but I have definitely had antenatal depression on and off and I think I've been a bit in denial about it. I'm not eligible for SMP so dreading maternity leave not just for money reasons but also in case of PND, which I feel like I might be a likely person for. (Probably stupid to expect to get PND but I know how I've been feeling.) Going through another "breakup" would be awful at this point!

You've had a hard time. Inthin it's obvious you've been in denial about the pregnancy and that's understandable given your circumstances.

As for money, you know you can get Maternity Allowance when you don't qualify for SMP?

And do you have any family and friends for company and support once the baby is here?

It's easy to see how you have ended up where you are now, I think I'd email give him chance to process everything. He must have noticed though if strangers have. He is probably wondering when you are going to mention it. Or if you have been together a few months and aren't too big he might be thinking the baby is his and panicking. Good luck op.

What ever you choose to do OP, I wish you luck and the outcome that would make you most happy. It sounds like you have had a really rough time of it and you must be all over the place emotionally.

Congratulations and good luck going ahead.

seaoflove: yes, I have applied for SMA, but have had to save the 2 months rent in advance (am only taking off 2 months from work then baby is going to be with childminder mum- financially this made sense but I know it'll be hard in reality!) - inner London rent so it's a squeeze. Plus buying baby stuff has been tricky as I can't exactly splash out and none of her stuff like cot or pram is ready as am only just buying it now. My mum lives nearby and has been great, my sis has a 3 year old and has also been a big support, but friends not so much. Work weren't too impressed either as I hadn't been there long when I told them.

Just wantedto say good luck with telling him and congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck (again) for the impending birth