Pregnant and dating. Very odd situation... could really use some help!

[hcbelle]

Hi everyone
This is quite an odd one, and I've been mulling it over for a while but finally decided I need to sort my head out. Any advice or thoughts would be most welcome. Please bear with me if you can as this is kind of long.

I'm pregnant (36 weeks today!) with my first child. it's been a fairly rocky pregnancy - the dad, my ex, bowed out completely after dicking around for 2 months unsure of whether he wanted to be involved. We're young (27) and while I wanted it to work, I wasn't hugely surprised when he ditched me and bump. That was about 3 months ago. I'd started a new job a couple of months before, a couple of my best friends had moved abroad, close flatmate moved out and I was gutted by the breakup and found pregnancy hormones really tricky on top- was lonely, spending most weekends on my own feeling quite isolated, and really missed sex and companionship (especially sex... hormones again!)

Whether a good idea or not, I ended up meeting up with an old flame with whom I had a LTR that ended 4 years ago- we have since caught up once or twice a year and it's been amenable. For whatever reason, I didn't tell him I was pregnant when we met up first 3 months ago. I wasn't showing really at all and we had no mutual friends that would have passed on the news. In hindsight I guess as part of dealing with being alone etc, I just wanted to feel like my old self, not be seen differently by a guy I had always held a bit of a candle for since the breakup, Maybe selfish or weird but it made sense at the time! And we had such a good time together, both single for the first time in ages, that we met up the next week, contacting each other a fair bit inbetween, and the week after... and before long we slept together. Please don't judge me for this but I never knew how to bring up the fact I was 5/6 mos pregnant... I was enjoying having him back in my life and the companionship and the sex so much, and I kept thinking "I'll bring it up next time", but I just never did for fear of him losing interest as I gained feelings... and time has gone on... He is in the army so lives on base about an hour away in the week, usually comes up in the week and on the weekend to see me and stays over, but it has made it easier to compartmentalise in a way.

I know this sounds absolutely mad as I'm almost term now, and showing to the extent that I always get given a seat on the tube, people comment when they see me etc... but I am still seeing this guy twice a week, including regular sex (protected), and he has not said anything - and neither have I. My bump is small but I'm slim elsewhere and it definitely doesn't look "right", some clothes could flatter it but naked I'm sure it doesnt look like a normal tummy! I don't know whether he could genuinely have no inkling how pregnant I am, or if he has guessed and doesn't mind, or is too embarrassed to say...

I feel like a horrible person. I don't regret my decision to keep my baby and I get such rushes of love and excitement to meet her, and everyone else in my life knows and is excited: maternity leave from work sorted, friends and family thrilled, mum fully on board to help with whatever I need. But I feel like I'm still in some level of denial or I'd have come clean with my guy. And it would now seem SO odd after 3 months of dating! I also dread that he will most likely say he's not interested in me with another guy's baby, and that will be it. Like I said, I've always carried feelings for him, and he is an absolutely lovely guy and since reconnecting it feels like we are both much more grownup (he is 29) and would be a better couple. If I wasn't due to have my baby, I'd be feeling happy about how things are progressing as nothing else is amiss... but I feel like I'm a ticking timebomb. Literally. I could go into labour at any time now... But it hurts to think of losing him, especially as I guess he might be very angry at me for "deceiving" him. I also dont know if it's weird to have been sleeping with someone else while carrying my baby (irrational maybe). Please don't think I don't care about my child or that I'm being selfish, this isn't about me not wanting her.. I just am so confused.

What can I do? Truly down, and the pregnancy has been tough enough... I want my baby and him, obviously she takes precedence, but this is just a horrible situation (my own fault I know.)

Aw OP I really hope it works out for you!

Can't help wondering if op has gone into labour!

Was hoping for a positive update, I'd searched for this thread a couple of days ago. I hope you are ok op.

Hope you're ok hcbelle

OMG, this is one of the most fascinating threads I've ever read on here, I NEED to know what happened

POsting for the big reveal.

I might be too late...

However you choose to tell him, I would NOT take an approach that assumes he already knows.

Men can be very clueless and these sorts of things and he might just think you've got fat. If so, he wouldn't wanted to have said anything because if the risk of offending you. Can you imagine if he has said, "so, obviously you're heavily pregnant" if you had actually just gained some weight! It would not have gone down well. Furthermore, he would probably have expected you to tell him if you were. It's a catch 22 for men in that he would have risked offending you in a situation where he has little certainty that you ate pregnant (because you would have told him if you were, he'd hope).

Secondly, you should not take this approach because I looks like you are trying to absolve yourself of blame. You have deceived him, by omission, and that is wrong. When you tell him, you should apologise for this deceit and if you take the whole 'you should have noticed...' stance then your apology will appear insincere.

Finally, I'd do it face to face. Besides the fact that emails and texts can be misinterpreted or not convey the whole message, I do think that telling him in person will allow him to see in you how seriously you have felt about this whole mess. It will induce empathy in him.

It seems he really cares for you, so on the balance of things I think he will stay with you and be a father. But you will need to give him time to get over the deceit and you will need to accept that he may be angry about it.

just seen this for the first time, was so hoping there would be an update at the end....

Have been following and also hoping for an update, hope all ok OP

Hope you're ok OP. I do believe it was quite deceitful keeping it from him but I think we all know you've not done it to purposely deceive him.

A friend of mine met her current partner while pregnant and he's always been there as a daddy to her little boy. It's rare but it happens.

Here's hoping he remembers your body well enough from your 4 year previous relationship to have realised that it's definitely a pregnancy rather than weight gain. Perhaps his heart to heart was his way of letting you know you had nothing to worry about.

Hi everyone
Sorry it took so long for me to update. He was posted away for two weeks so the conversation got delayed again which was hard, as we were talking more, and when he came back things were so lovely and we both expressed that we really liked each other and it came to a head as I knew I couldn't bear to continue to deceive him. Basically, having written down everything I wanted to say (it took a couple of goes for it to make sense) I felt like I was a lot more able to say what I needed in person- so thanks everyone for the advice on both counts. When I had a free flat he came round, I told him I had to talk about something important, and basically laid out what I put in my OP on here. The truth, and I also felt safe enough with him to express how much my feelings were growing and how sorry I was to have hurt or deceived him. I did get a bit sad at times in the course of th conversation but he was amazing. He just held me the whole time, told me how sorry he was I'd been on my own and hurt like that, and he asked if I and the baby were ok and just generally acted a lot more mature and kind than I could have hoped. He said he had had his suspicions for a while - he knew that wasn't my normal body shape and that I hadn't been drinking etc, but said he hadn't known how to bring it up and had probably been trying to avoid it too because things had been so lovely otherwise. He was definitely shocked and kept saying it was a lot to take in and he wished I had told him months ago, but he doubted he would have done much differently. I told him how sorry I was if he was hurt and that I wanted him, that we could make it work if he wanted it too, and that I felt it had made me a stronger better person already - that things could be ok. But also that I would accept whatever he decided. And while at first he said he wasn't sure he could deal with it, he also said he wasn't running away, and that there was nowhere else he wanted to be (when I said I understood if he wanted to leave.) We spent the evening and whole next day together doing normal things and I felt a lot closer to him, he was really affectionate and things weren't weird. That was last weekend and he has been abroad but we have talked lots every day and while I know he is still processing things, I am just glad to have him around and enjoy our time together. He hasn't run a mile so I hope things will stay good- or at least more honest now. It feels ok.
I'm now a couple of days overdue so keen to get the baba out and excited to meet her!
Thanks again for all the support and I'll keep you guys posted. Xx

Aw

Wishing you well, thanks for the update, got everything crossed for you all. Fwiw he sounds lovely.

Good luck!

It sounds as if he's a keeper. I'm glad that things (sound as if they) are working out. Best of luck with the birth - any day now

Oooh that's bought a tear to my eye! He sounds lovely
Good luck

Aww hcbelle that's lovely! I'm really happy for you... I think this is the best you could have hoped for, he's taking it really seriously and not just jumping to yes it will be fine, it sounds like he's being very honest with his feelings.

Best of luck with your impending arrival and keep us updated!

Thanks guys. Yes he is lovely and I'd really miss him if he was no longer in my life. It has been a real help to me reading stories on here from people who have seen something like this work out.

Id been following your story hcbelle, sounds like in the end you managed the situation well and he sounds like a decent bloke. Hope things continue to go ok once the baby arrives

I've been checking in on this thread every few days because I really hoped to hear that things had gone well - and I'm really glad to find they did! He sounds wonderful and I really hope everything works out for you both. Good luck you with your little girl!

Amazing update! Thank you and by now I'm sure you've had your little girl, how exciting! All the best

all the best OP !

Have only just caught the update! Best of luck OP and hope your little dd is here and you're having lots of lovely snuggles.

Hi everyone
I just wanted to update as there's a little more to the story now and I think it really is a happy ending, so wanted to share! My beautiful dd arrived on Wednesday morning, labour was a bit of a nightmare as I managed to get to 10cm dilated at home before being admitted so she was born about an hour after I got to hosp and I couldn't get the epidural or pain relief id been banking on (never realised I had any kind of pain threshold so feel proud now, but at the time it was hellish! I had a long day in hospital due to a big tear that needed stitching up but finally got to contact my guy to tell him i had given birth (he was on camp as he always is during the week.) I have to say I was apprehensive, I had no idea if the reality of the situation would make him run away, or if he would react weirdly or not want to see me and dd.

But he was amazing. As soon as I told him he got off work early and travelled into London to see us (by that time we were discharged and he came straight to my house with a huge bunch of pink roses and some treats for me, took one look at dd and said she was beautiful and it was like he couldn't wait to say hello and hold her. I was pretty much bedridden from my stitches but he just climbed into bed with me and dd and held me and spent the next three days with us. We literally wanted for nothing- I was in a pretty bad way but he looked after me amazingly, bringing me everything I needed and helping with dd. it was just a lovely time of cuddling up watching GoT episodes he'd downloaded for me, sleeping, cuddling and talking about everything. I think it bonded us in the most amazing way and i was literally moved to tears by his care for me and dd. She could have been his own. Even at low points at night when she wouldn't settle and I was feeling stressed, he sat up with me and calmed me down and reassured me (and made some bottles for me!) And he kept saying how proud he was of me and how amazing I was, which made me feel like the whole experience had actually against the odds brought us closer together then I could have imagined. This is so far from the outcome I expected that I still can't quite get my head round it, but I'm happy and I think dd is happy too! She was so happy to be held by him and I think she recognised his voice as we had spent so much time together when I was pregnant, so if was nice to see how comfy they were together.
Just off for sleepy cuddles with my gorgeous daughter now- it feels like the end of a long road of worrying about things, but now she's here I know everything will be absolutely fine! I wanted to share this because I don't think something like this happens every day and hopefully it'll give you guys a smile at how people can genuinely surprise you, in the most wonderful ways!
All the best and thanks again for all the advice and supportive posts in this lovely thread! Xxx

That's all so amazing. I'm so happy for you!

Oh how absolutely, heart burstingly wonderful. Huge congrats hcbelle, I'm absolutely thrilled for you

hcbelle, I am SO happy for you and may this last forever! It sounds like you have found a jewel of a man, I wish you the best for your future together. And congratulations on your gorgeous baby girl! I expect you to be getting loads of lovely newborn cuddles _