Hi everyone
This is quite an odd one, and I've been mulling it over for a while but finally decided I need to sort my head out. Any advice or thoughts would be most welcome. Please bear with me if you can as this is kind of long.
I'm pregnant (36 weeks today!) with my first child. it's been a fairly rocky pregnancy - the dad, my ex, bowed out completely after dicking around for 2 months unsure of whether he wanted to be involved. We're young (27) and while I wanted it to work, I wasn't hugely surprised when he ditched me and bump. That was about 3 months ago. I'd started a new job a couple of months before, a couple of my best friends had moved abroad, close flatmate moved out and I was gutted by the breakup and found pregnancy hormones really tricky on top- was lonely, spending most weekends on my own feeling quite isolated, and really missed sex and companionship (especially sex... hormones again!)
Whether a good idea or not, I ended up meeting up with an old flame with whom I had a LTR that ended 4 years ago- we have since caught up once or twice a year and it's been amenable. For whatever reason, I didn't tell him I was pregnant when we met up first 3 months ago. I wasn't showing really at all and we had no mutual friends that would have passed on the news. In hindsight I guess as part of dealing with being alone etc, I just wanted to feel like my old self, not be seen differently by a guy I had always held a bit of a candle for since the breakup, Maybe selfish or weird but it made sense at the time! And we had such a good time together, both single for the first time in ages, that we met up the next week, contacting each other a fair bit inbetween, and the week after... and before long we slept together. Please don't judge me for this but I never knew how to bring up the fact I was 5/6 mos pregnant... I was enjoying having him back in my life and the companionship and the sex so much, and I kept thinking "I'll bring it up next time", but I just never did for fear of him losing interest as I gained feelings... and time has gone on... He is in the army so lives on base about an hour away in the week, usually comes up in the week and on the weekend to see me and stays over, but it has made it easier to compartmentalise in a way.
I know this sounds absolutely mad as I'm almost term now, and showing to the extent that I always get given a seat on the tube, people comment when they see me etc... but I am still seeing this guy twice a week, including regular sex (protected), and he has not said anything - and neither have I. My bump is small but I'm slim elsewhere and it definitely doesn't look "right", some clothes could flatter it but naked I'm sure it doesnt look like a normal tummy! I don't know whether he could genuinely have no inkling how pregnant I am, or if he has guessed and doesn't mind, or is too embarrassed to say...
I feel like a horrible person. I don't regret my decision to keep my baby and I get such rushes of love and excitement to meet her, and everyone else in my life knows and is excited: maternity leave from work sorted, friends and family thrilled, mum fully on board to help with whatever I need. But I feel like I'm still in some level of denial or I'd have come clean with my guy. And it would now seem SO odd after 3 months of dating! I also dread that he will most likely say he's not interested in me with another guy's baby, and that will be it. Like I said, I've always carried feelings for him, and he is an absolutely lovely guy and since reconnecting it feels like we are both much more grownup (he is 29) and would be a better couple. If I wasn't due to have my baby, I'd be feeling happy about how things are progressing as nothing else is amiss... but I feel like I'm a ticking timebomb. Literally. I could go into labour at any time now... But it hurts to think of losing him, especially as I guess he might be very angry at me for "deceiving" him. I also dont know if it's weird to have been sleeping with someone else while carrying my baby (irrational maybe). Please don't think I don't care about my child or that I'm being selfish, this isn't about me not wanting her.. I just am so confused.
What can I do? Truly down, and the pregnancy has been tough enough... I want my baby and him, obviously she takes precedence, but this is just a horrible situation (my own fault I know.)