The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Starting the New Year in Fine Style

[venusandmars]

Hello, I'm Venus, and standing in for Mouse (who usually starts all our threads)

This is a safe and welcoming place for anyone who is facing up to a problem with alcohol. It may be something you’ve known for years, or it may be that struggling with dry January has made you re-think your relationship with drink.
Anyway, welcome old and new, lurkers and posters. It can be a weird thread at times – travelling on a bus called Gerald.... he takes us up and down and this wondrous land, searching high and low for Babes in need of some support, a warm place to sit and chat, and to have someone to listen to them.

So, grab a seat as we swing by your way. There's lots of hot drinks, food and fleeces, places to just be and places to sit around and chat if that's what you want.

We don't judge, because we've all been in your shoes, be they stilettos, wellies or crocs!...

We're just us, we're just honest and we just do what we can to help, if we can, when we can. If you find all the banter off-putting just jump in with a cry for help.

And HAPPY NEW YEAR xxx

Here is the very first, emotional thread if you would like to see where this all started

Our most recent thread, if you want to catch up

Thanks guys. Congratulations Sweet on the lovely squishy little new baby! Yum. Make sure you get a few good head sniffs in for me!

Ruby well done on your weight loss, that's fab. I'm hoping to see some of the same sorts of results myself now I've cut out the I-don't-want-to-know how many calories from wine and the associated drunken eating of late night buttered toast and stuff.

Spanna, I totally missed your post before sorry. And I'm so sorry for all involved in that tragic situation.

Thanks Small, Baby and Fish. You're all right. It helps so much to have people who understand how it feels to be where I am. Wonderful though DH is, he doesn't Get This at all. He doesn't have any idea how dependence works. He doesn't see why it's any harder than deciding "ok, so drink is causing problems, I'll just stop drinking then". So I can't look to him for support as I usually would. Not that I feel I'd have the right to ask him for much more now, anyway. In fact I'm desperate for HIM to fuck something up really badly so that I can take my turn at forgiving him

Things are better between us now, though. We are back to talking to each other normally, even kissing and holding hands in bed and stuff as we usually do. It feels so good. I will try not to take it for granted again.

One of my new items of clothing is a pair of jeans. The first I've worn since mid-last pregnancy (maternity marquee jeans don't count). It may sound daft but it feels so good to have jeans on again. I feel more like me. Up to now I've been wearing dresses or tunics with leggings to work, and sweatpants or yoga pants at home. Jeans feels like progress. Weirdly.

sweet congratulations, lovely news my friend xxx

Sober so glad to read about things with your DH. And I absolutely get the jeans/progress thing. Just not progress I have yet made myself! But I will be yelling loudly about it when I do.

sober I'm also so chuffed things are back on track, I've just ordered jeggings so not too brilliant but with my nice long next utility shirt, it's progress.

Downloaded the fitness pal app but totally forgot about it this morning and ate 4 choc digestives and it gave me a row when I entered the data!!! I think it will help me loads as I love a challenge and to see the calories laid bare will make me think twice.

I used to hate the weekends because if all the kids activities and now I love it, tomorrow gymnastics with dd1 at 9, then a children's party then I'm riding in the afternoon. Swimming with kids on Sunday morning then a Frozen party in the afternoon. As a late Mum, dd1 is 15 and dd2 is 4 and I'm 43 I'm proud that I can keep up with the best of em and seeing my girls happy and fulfilled sure does feel better than any wine I've ever drank!!!

Love to all xxx

sober (and others) who are struggling with the 'forever' thing....

When asked (or even if talking to myself) I say "I don't really drink much these days". In practice that means that I pretty much don't drink at all, but it removes the never ever again panic from my head, and also means that on a very rare occasion if I do have a drink, I don't feel like I have ruined everything, and so therefore don't get immediately back onto the bottle or two habit that I used to have.

However..... and this is quite a big however for me...... I have had to acknowledge and accept that having a glass of wine once a week is not what I ever wanted. If that is 'normal' then it wasn't my normal. I can go without drinking for months and months and months, and feel ok about it. I can pour wine for other people, socialise with people who are drinking, and be fine. But (for me) if I do have an occasional drink I find my longings reignited, and I feel like I am back in the early days of my struggle again. I have been soooo disappointed by this. I really don't subscribe to the theory that alcoholism is a disease and that I can never drink again, but I have found that my psychological habit is all to ready to come out of its dormant state.

So although it is rare that I drink, if I do have a glass of something then I try to prepare myself for the consequences. I liken it to a good friend of my who suffers from arthritis. There are several food stuffs that trigger it, and mostly she avoids those. But sometimes she does indulge in those 'favourite' foods and she too finds that it inflames her desire (for more of the foods, that it ). So if she is going to eat steak, or red wine or chocolate, she knows that the only way to minimise the effects is to be really, really strict in the following days. I also have a friend with gout who has the same issue with seafood. She can get away with eating shellfish on a rare occasion, but never 2 days in a row (without a really serious flare up), and she knows the struggle she is facing if friends are going to a seafood restaurant.

Although I'm disappointed to find that my addiction is so long lived I try not to feel sorry for myself - I compare myself to my friends and thank my lucky stars that I can eat shellfish and steak and chocolate with gay abandon

Wow babes, the support on here is fantastic today. I'm just about to meet up with a friend for lunch who lives abroad mostly and not seen her for a while.

Take care lovely babes and i'll be back later

Venus. Thank you. That is so helpful and so wise.

I love this bus

venus as usual you put everything into perspective and we love you for it xxx

Hello my darling Babes!

Get Don't stress about the future. You have so much to lose. Really, that first glass isn't worth it.
We have problems admitting this in RL but we're here because we aren't quite 'normal', are we?
You're doing well, babes. Don't give in.

I had the toughest work experience, ever.
Worked until 9:30pm. Critised at 9.15pm. Praised (for the same thing) at 9.30. I started working at 8 yesterday morning!
Proud to say I did not drink. Although that is all I thought of the last hour before the meeting ended!

I'll catch up tonight. Looking forward to spending time with you guys over the weekend.
xxx

khalisi you are fabby dabby doo, love your posts and seeing you get stronger all the time, well done babe xxx

Thank you babes for the support and straight talking.

Sweet it definitely is the finishing line thing and the desire to wave flags, it is just my flags are usually bottles . It is so conditioned in me as a reward. However, when I read that Sunday was going to be your day 32, I rolled that idea around in my head as a 'new' concept and found it quite appealing. Thank you. Oh and big congratulations on new baby in the family

Spanna pumpkin, I wish you were my real life friend (then we could dress up in bobbly hats, ball gowns and big snow boots ). Actually day 2 is brilliant, in line with what Venus said, it is when all the longings are strongest so well done on last night and the next af night (getting an advance one in!) I am so sorry that your friends are struggling so much and their son is getting caught up in all the crossfire . I know that your presence in his life will be a good one, even if you feel helpless right now. Holding out a hand of support to you sweetheart, just work you way through the next few days the best you can. Ps. The glass project is underway

baby I appreciate the frank talking. Dry Jan, hmm, I think my motivation lay first in excusing an indulgent Dec and second 'banking' a good month to see me through more excess . Hardly a heathy approach. Of course part of me wants to sulk and 'be like the others' who are enjoying a nice glass but, kid myself as I might, I actually want to hog the whole bottle and have another in reserve. I am finding it hard to be sober sometimes though, some of the feelings that I usually gulp down have nowhere to go. Still, onward we go

Small . A mantra? How about 'I am actually quite enjoying not drinking at the moment'. It doesn't promise forever or even suggest too much thought has gone into it other than you like some of the payoffs - more money, time, energy, sleep. I think I might try it (even if if feels like a big fat lie at times!)

Obrigada well done on your af days, I defintely relate to the binge thing too.

sober your are doing brilliantly, huge respect on week one.

Soc 245 seems like a big number there! You are awesome dude

Ruby hope you have a lovely lunch babe.

God, I don't want to lose this novella so waves to all Babes and lurkers. Lots of love xxx

Just coming in to wave - will be back on later

Gosh, what a busy afternoon, full of honesty and wisdom.

I don't know when we will get to see sniff the baby, they don't live near and DH will need to check when they will be up for visitors and when there is space - that's the thing with complicated families, so many sets of grandparents! It will be lovely when we can, DSD is a brilliant mum to her other one.

Had to go and pick DS early from school, he has come down with a cold, but it hit him at the same time as a migraine, poor lamb. The house smells like an explosion in an olbas oil factory.

Baby, there are no spare calories on My Fitness Pal - so I couldn't drink if I wanted to! I do love that you can just bar code items and it recognises them - I did it for a whole recipe today. I was contemplating getting a fit bit to pair with it - but then I read an article by David Sedaris (who DS and I LOVE) about how it took over his life, and I got a bit scared!

Hi all, mind if I hop on board? I've known about my alcohol problem for about three years, but I've had one for about six. I just turned 30. I always thought I would have a child by now, but it turns out I'm infertile and need IVF. Even during the early days of TTC, I found it very hard to stop drinking, and I felt very guilty and ashamed about it all the time. At the same time, I was using my feelings of grief and failure and jealousy and frustration as more reasons to drink... I blamed infertility for my drinking, and drinking for my infertility.

I know the reasons why I drink - and it's a long list - and I've been addressing them as best I can during the last few months. I haven't had a drink since 21 December, and before that I'd been sober since 10 Oct. My problem is binge drinking. 'Quitting' has been a dance I've been doing on and off for the last two years. I've never made it to three months.

I've been doing okay this time around, but lately I've noticed drinking thoughts creeping up on me again. I've been wishing that my life was worth less and mattered less, so that I could drink and not care. Caring about myself enough has always been a problem - I'm not ever far from saying 'fuck it', really.

I won't write an essay though; just wanted to introduce myself. When I'm not drinking, I'm a bookish vegan nature-loving lentil-weaving type, complete introvert, but generally quite nice. Hello

Welcome merricat

Hello, Merricat. it sounds as though you've clocked up a good number of serious alcohol free stretches, so you know you can do it. It sounds like you need to be kinder to yourself (you'll be in good company here), and perhaps if you are writing here regularly, you will be able to keep a record of how much better you feel when you're not drinking.

So dive on board, settle down and tell what you want or need to - oh and have an opal fruit!

I thought some of you might be interested in this - article about depression. I think of myself as relatively well informed, although I have been having trouble actually doing anything about it, so much of this applies to me, especially the last two - poor memory and indecisiveness.

Hi Merricat! Welcome on board. I'm pretty new here myself but I can already confidently say you've come to the right place. There is lots of help, sympathy and wisdom here.

I'm on Day 8 dry and tonight is the first real challenge - an evening at home without DH, who is out playing sport. In days gone by, I'd be thinking about cracking open the second bottle of wine by now. Instead, tonight I have herbal tea.

Today I...bought yet more clothes. I've decided I'm either attempting to effect a complete metamorphosis inside and out by by not only stopping drinking but also refreshing my habitual wardrobe, or I'm making up a load of old bollocks to justify buying random stuff I want

Hey all. Lapsing. Sliding, sliding back into old ways...
Have a massage with lovely Derek tomorrow. I will talk to him. Can't hide when you are naked and in fits of giggles while a gay man rubs you with oil and says " tell auntie Derek everything!"

Every one should have an Auntie Derek, Ma!

Now, could you get yourself a non-alcoholic drink and a snugly blanket, its not a solution, but it won't make anything worse {hugs}

Sober I think you need new things to go with the new you. And I so get the house to myself, downtime with wine.

Hi guys, your are very very welcome merricat, and you sound very nice indeed. I totally get your comment. "I wish I was worth less" at one point I resented the people who loved me the most for not just leaving me alone to drink and drink and drink, I wanted to disappear, vanish but now I know it was the depression and anxiety tricking me!!!

On here, you will get lots of warmth, advice and understanding and most importantly the sense you are NOT ALONE, and we are here to hold your hand.

Have you spoken to your GP about your feelings and low self esteem. You certainly sound as though you could be suffering with depression. You've had an awful lot of heavy "stuff" to go through so it's time to learn to be kind to yourself and posting here is a brilliant start so well done babe xxx

"New things to go with the new me". I am keeping hold of that one! Well, I am actually in the process of getting promoted at work (I've done all the important bits, just need HR to pull their useless fingers out and confirm it), yay me, so I need the new clothes to project an image of appropriate managerial power, right?

The promotion is important, actually. I've had lifelong feelings of worthlessness and general inadequacy. Merricat, I totally identify with your feeling of wishing I was worth less, so people wouldn't bother with me and just let me alone to do my own dreadful thing. The question that always troubled me at low points (eg when waking up terribly hung over) was thinking: if it was someone I loved who was living this way, doing this to herself, how would I feel? I'd feel it was awful. No one should do that to herself. I'd want to do everything I could to help that person. Nobody deserves to live that way.

That's if it were someone else. So why did I feel it's ok to do it to myself? I could never answer that question; and I still can't, but I am finding it a useful question to keep in mind as I begin the process of trying to treat myself as well as I generally treat others.

Anyway. I digress. Promotion, yes. I'd been anticipating it for a while, hanging a lot of hopes off it - maybe THIS will be the thing that finally convinces me I'm worth something. And then it came, and it was a massive anti climax, and it just sent me off on my enormous final wobbler.

At which point, DH made a slightly insensitive but actually bloody good point. "You keep going on about how you hate yourself and you're worth nothing. But you've just got this promotion! So why don't you fucking just believe it?!"

I started going on about the difference between internal and external validation, and how it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me if I hate myself, but then I realised the justice of the remark. If there is such a gulf between how the world (not just work - I have many loving family and friends) sees me and how I see myself, maybe it's not the world that's wrong. Maybe it's me that needs to consider whether my perspective may need a bit of adjustment.

So, counsellor, lots of introspection, progress already, more soon I hope!

Morning All. A dreary looking day in prospect, but it's going to be an AF one.

I don't think DS is going to be up to baking today , but at least I won't get disapproving glares from MFP (completely over invested and anthropomorphising this app! hope you all have lovely days planned.

Morning all. MFP is the best! No idea what anthropomorphising is though. Day not started well already - I shouted at DH

Why ds not up for baking Sweet?