If refused sex, does your DP/DH....

[poppiesinaline]

go into a bad mood? I said 'No' to DH last night and now he isnt talking to me This is a common occurrence. His silence can last up to 2 or 3 days - like thats going to make me give him what he wants!! NOT!!!!

Does anyone elses DH/DP do this. Just wondering if this is normal behaviour?

Ha! Snowleaopard - I hate that term "post-feminists" surely something can't be 'post' until it's finished with. And from what I see feminism is more definitely not finished with.

I don't think i've ever refused to have sex with him when offered.

As a bloke who'd happily have it every night, given the chance, I react thus.

"Ok then, I'll just hug you instead" and we go to sleep.

There fellas, that's not so hard is it?

Lol at your last sentence HappyDaddy Quite appropriate!

Men apparently tend to judge if they are loved or not by satisfactory levels of nookie.

I love my DH and don't want him to feel rejected so I have found it to be much less time consuming and less hassle to go ahead with it on basis that is a bit more frequent than I would ideally want. Although as sleep is the only thing I am interested in these days I make sure that the timing suits me rather than him.

Also I have found that if he is getting his rations he is much more minded to do his fair share of child rearing, tidying up etc. etc.

Men do jusge that yes, doesn't mean they can't learn not to.

I don't wheedle either- I can't play games, they're beyond me, I don't know the rules. If I wants omething I ask, if I don't get I either accept it or sort it myself.

Joelalie- LOL Dh thinks its hilarious I use the shag word a lot. not just me then though i don't do duty shags either, I find the 'fancy a shag' line when I'm in the mood works OK

This thread is hardly encouraging me to marry again. Doesn't anyone like sex in their marriage?

Dh tends to interpret me not being in the mood in terms of 'You don't love me as much as when we first got together'.

It's absolutely not the case, I'm just knackered. & I've got a toddler, a small baby & a full-time job making demands on me such that when I DO get to bed, I'd just like to read a nice fat undemanding novel before falling asleep, tbh.

I've frequently thought it'd be less bother to do the 'duty shag' thing than to explain, AGAIN, why I don't fancy it - but I feel terribly uncomfortable with that. I had a previous abusive marriage & I don't like muddled signals - I like to feel secure that 'no, I don't want sex tonight' = 'we're not having sex tonight'.

it is over-rated, really

I do like it, but I like it once a month or so. Sleep is just so much more attractive... The trouble with sex is it's a strenuous physical activity; after a day chasing a toddler (even more so if you've got two or more) it's like being asked to climb a hill or dig a ditch - and what's more look as if you're enjoying it - just when you thought you could get some kip.

I was once in a relationship with a man who (unlike DP, thank god) had an incredibly high sex drive and wanted it 2 or 3 times a day. It was hell. I often thought it was like food - you want it, you enjoy it, but only if you only have it when you're hungry. If you're constantly stuffed (so to speak ) you never want it.

Xenia: I DO!!!!!! (Am starting to feel abnormal now!)

Xenia , I like it too, although its never quite as good as it is right at the start of the relationship when all you want to do is rip each others clothes off. Also for the first few months of DS being here I just totally went off it, too many emotions flying around, but about a month or so ago I went back to almost normal.

I do enjoy it just not quite as often as DH so about 2/3 of the time I have a great time, the rest is ok fair enough when can I go to sleep.

TBH I find it much less of a chore than ironing DHs shirts which I am doing whilst I am a SAHM.

I think that was the point I was trying to get across before, I hate housework & ironing and tbh I am not much of a cook either but whilst I'm at home I feel its only fair that I do these things ( although we do have a cleaner 2 hours a week). When we got married I don't expect DH thought he would be celibate so regular sex appears to me to be part of the deal as well. Oh and when I go back to work, if he isn't pulling his weight on the chores then I could be cutting out that 1/3 of nookie that I am not really into. We shall wait and see.

Olivia35 I can totally see where you are coming from and I think it would be completely different if there were other factors involved that I imagine your DH is aware of.

rm, a sliding scale as it were. So I suppose people likje me who earned a lot more than their husbands have carte blanche never to offer sex on that basis.... but what if you want it? Ideally it's mutual. In our 19 years of marriage it was the periods when we had very little babies when there was less sex, just like I read on here. I think that's perfectly normal. I agree with you that if you're home you do the things that need to be done at home. That's perfectly fair.

What is interesting is why women may be more exhausted than men. Surely the issue to address then is having a fair share of chores, children and work so you're both equally exhausted? In other words address the cause not the result. Once children are bit bigger probably most people get back more into sex with each other.

The other issue is just people with naturally different sex drives, men or women, who have always been like that. If snowl, wants it once a month that's brilliant for a man who wants it once a month (they exist) so you're just making sure you match like with like. Think of all the time and energy to think about other things you save if you're not into sex.

In fact there are more asexual people in the UK with no interest in sex at all than gay peopole. There's an asexuals association I think. Perhaps they should be recruiting amongst exhausted mothers.

As someone who has a low sex drive (ie once a month would be fine for me) I have the (mis)fortune to be married to a lovely man with a high sex drive. TBH it causes 99% of the arguments in our relationship. As with others on here have mentioned, DH needs the sex to feel validated as a man, needed and loved by me, and to feel good, 'hot', desirable etc.

If time starts slipping by without having had sex, the pressure builds - I know it and he knows it. The doors start to be slammed a little, things are banged down on tables not just placed, the kids get a bit less of his attention, the stroppiness levels rise, he starts shouting at things he is trying to mend, or swearing when he drops things etc etc. It's like a storm approaching - the sky is darkening and you can see the black clouds building.

Now, tell me what I am supposed to do? Do I ...

a) think ok, better get it over and done with to prevent us all having a bl**dy miserable time

or,

b) he's behaving like a baby, sulking and throwing his toys around, and I'm not going to give in to his babyish behaviour.

In an ideal world, he wouldn't behave this way. I know that and he knows that. His excuse is that he's a man and that's just how it is. We've tried counselling (not just regarding this particular issue) - nothing came out of it that has helped here.

He's a brilliant father to the kids; we have an otherwise close and loving relationship; he's supported me through cancer, a breakdown and subsequent years of depression; he is working damn hard to support us all now that I cannot contribute to the family income; I'm on fairly heavy medication which may or may not be adding to my already low sex drive.

In reality, what are my options? Frankly, I can't think of anything other than giving in to his desire. 4 times out of 5, I will enjoy it and probably orgasm. I don't fake orgasm and never will.

But really, when we get off our high horses and feminist bandwagons, this is a fact of my life and I see myself as doing something to just oil the wheels of our relationship. Almost in the same way as my husband has to reluctantly cook supper when I'm finishing a painting. He doesn't want to do it, he's got better things to do like his work, but he knows that I'll be in a better frame of mind if I can just finish what I'm working on rather than have to leave it.

I don't see there being much of a difference frankly.

sorry for the rambling message

Sometimes doctors don't know the effect of a drug (the pill even) on sex drive because they aren't told and they could easily change the medication to something with less risk of changing sex drive. It might be worth looking into that.

If I were asked to give figures I'd say unless there's a very new baby, people "should" have sex at least once a week and ideally more than that. But there's no such thing as normal. It's been suggested people use to have more sex when there was no TV so may be getting rid of the set and going to bed an hour earlier every night would help some people.

A lot of people in sexless or very little sex marriages go elsewhere, which is wrong but a very frequent result. I don't know I'd stay with someone if there were not going to be any sex ever again. But it's important to some people and not others.

paranoidandroid - re "I don't see there being much of a difference frankly." I hate to say it but I think I agree. Excuse me while I think aloud here....There is a greater degree of intimacy in sex obviously than doing the washing up but it's still providing something for the other person that you might not want to do. I think that sex is put on a pedestal that it simply can't remain on in a long relationship. Generally sex drives are about the same in a new relationship - but it must be unusual for that to remain the same long-term especially when young children, housework, jobs, other worries are taken into account. So he wants it once day and she doesn't - or vice versa. What is the answer. Several people on here (incl me) say that their partners get mardy and their relationship suffers if sex is not frequent enough. So not having any isn't the answer - and clearly twice nightly isn't on if you don't want it more than once a month. Perhaps the answer is to stop treating sex as some mystical, spontaneous thing and make a decision to do it once a week/once a month whatever compromise suits both partners and stick to it. No sulking, bad-temper, resentment allowable under those circs. Not romantic I know but I am coming to the conclusion that long-term relationships are not romantic, they are for a large part hard-headed, economic, practical partnerships that help you get through life with sanity, finances and family intact.

And I've just celebrated my 14th wedding anniversary. We had a great time but it wasn't romantic - just 2 good mates enjoying each others company, a good meal (and a sh*g )

ooo this thread is still going

DH is now talking to me. He started talking to me yesterday so his strop lasted 3 days. He still hasnt had it . Mind you, as I pointed out to him, he has to actually physically be here to get sex (he works very long hours) I havent actually seen him since Sunday evening, apart from very briefly in the morning before he scuttles back off to work.

My health isnt that brilliant at the moment - periods very very heavy and very long (lasting up to 2 weeks at a time). I am undergoing investigations. I have 3 children one of which is a toddler and feel exhausted.

I feel DH is being unsympathetic to my present state and he seems to be wanting to squeeze a months worth of sex into 2 weeks each month. I do understand how he may feel but I dont think he understands what I am going through.

It is reassuring to hear that others have the same problem though. At least we are not alone.

I think he is a selfish get! Sorry. But that's my considered opinion.

Poor you

Mine just turns his back on me and I think thank God for that.

Let him sulk, at least he wont be nagging you for a bit of the other eh!

joelallie - you are right, marriage isnt always sparkles and chimes Sometimes it is hard work and functional. (we have just had our 13th wedding anniversary). But, sometimes, dont you just want to be treated like a princess now and then and made to feel special? be romanced? not just like a bonking machine?

I don't see being treated like a princess as being the opposite extreme to being treated as a bonking machine!! I merely want to be treated as a human being with respect and with my wishes being taken into account.

I think the reason why DP and I have such a good sex life is the fact that there is never any pressure from him. He makes little comments when we do get around to it that he's getting quite desperate now but its all said in jest really. He's always been this way, so considerate and putting his needs last.....thats one of the reasons I still love him and want him 7 years later

Oh and also when I am actually feeling horny I go and get a bath then get all the gear on that he loves and give him a surprise. He keeps him happy and I enjoy the fact that he still fancies me.

Thats the way you should look at it Poppies, he still desires you enough to want to make love to you. It would hurt me a lot if I felt DP didn't fancy me anymore.

Ok, maybe its just me but ............................. If I don't fancy a shag I will not have one. 9 times out of 10 I don't fancy it! I have had to explain to dh that it takes more than a quick grope of my norks to get me in the mood. He now understands that if he wants to have sex with me that he has to put in a (sometimes massive) amount of effort. If he doesn't put in the effort he doesnt get sex. This is nothing to do with witholding sex. This is to do with him understanding that it is not just about his gratiffication (he can go and have a W**k if he wants that!!). I will not passify him by "allowing" him to have sex. All he needs to do is make the effort and usually he'll bring me round.

DH 'puts in the effort' in spades bless him! Which is why I usually enjoy it once it's happening. But I don't usually want it in the first place - I simply don't want to get that close to someone else. I value my space very highly once I'm finally free of chores/kids/work.