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Original poster

If refused sex, does your DP/DH....

110 replies

poppiesinaline · 16/10/2006 18:15

go into a bad mood? I said 'No' to DH last night and now he isnt talking to me This is a common occurrence. His silence can last up to 2 or 3 days - like thats going to make me give him what he wants!! NOT!!!!

Does anyone elses DH/DP do this. Just wondering if this is normal behaviour?

OP posts:
Highlander · 17/10/2006 15:25

sad, northerner, but oh so very true

Along with a daily dose of artery-clogging grub.

Flamebat · 17/10/2006 15:26

The doing it to please them thing - I guess it depends just HOW not interested you are... If doing it to please them will make you miserable, then I think it is wrong to do it, if its just that you can't be arsed (no pun intended!!) and you might as well do it either way, then its ok.

Does that make sense?

VanillaMilkshake · 17/10/2006 15:35

There is a difference between rape and just keeping the peace!

Besides if I really dont want it, cos I have a cold or it's the wrong time of the month etc he accepts it and leaves me alone.

I've never felt bullied or violated. And if I really did'nt want to I would'nt

kimi · 17/10/2006 16:14

DH Just turned to porn when i said no

veraduckworthshandbag · 17/10/2006 16:17

DP just rolls over and has a w**k.
not nice

lostalldignity · 17/10/2006 16:27

don't u find that its a bit like riding a bike. you never forget how to do no matter how long u leave it, and sometimes u even enjoy it!

northerner · 17/10/2006 16:28

Or like an apple. YOu never really when fancy it, but when you get going it's actually quite nice. If the thought of sex with your other half is relly taht bad then somethings not right imo.

mascaraohara · 17/10/2006 16:29

my dp gets mardy.

lostalldignity · 17/10/2006 16:38

try playing the game. if you really want it pretend you don't, dh/dp gets sulky, make him feel guilty at making you feel presured, pretend to give in (cos really u want it), by this point dh/dp feels a bit more aware of your feelings and then youre assured of good sensitive sex and not just a quickie which only satisfies a selfish dh/dp. tried and tested.

Ellieorange · 17/10/2006 16:47

To be frank....There's lots of other stuff you can do except the full blown act with 1hr foreplay! If I am tired or not feeling 'up for it', I often offer to give him 'a service' as we refer to it as it is exactly that - keeps us both happy!!!!

dizietsma · 17/10/2006 17:29

Just think it's creepy, clearly I'm from a different generation of thought about this.

"keeping the peace", by having sex with your DH when you don't want to is pretty damned close to rape in my mind. Basically you're being manipulated by your DH into it because if you don't he'll punish you emotionally. Is it so different if he manipulated you into having sex by force? To me, it really isn't.

Judy1234 · 17/10/2006 17:44

It's an interesting debate. I don't agree with men or women punishing each other by emotional withdrawal/sulking if they're refused, either. But this doing things for someone else even if you don't want to - it goes to the core of relationships and love. Surely we do it all the time.. well now me, as I'm single and divorced so I probably shouldn't be on this thread at all. Must have been where I went wrong - far too accommodating.

If he's a reasonable person and he can see you're streaming with cold or exhausted with a small baby he'd never press it anyway. I was never that glad to be asked because that then put onus on me in a way, which is a slightly different issue again.

satine · 17/10/2006 18:43

Dizietsma, I can see the logic in the point that you're making but I reckon it's about equivalent to saying that if you give your child a Fruit Shoot or - horror! - a Happy Meal then that's just the same as poisoning them with salt. Haven't you ever wheedled or connived to get something from your dp, even if it's to get him to go to the supermarket for you, or to concur with your preferred holiday destination?
In all of the cases mentioned here, I think if the women concerned had said "No, absolutely no way am I having sex with you", the men concerned wouldn't dream of physically forcing them. Which would be rape.

PeachyBobbingParty · 17/10/2006 19:25

He says 'you don't love me any more1 You only want me for my money! (you have some then????)' and then sulks for an hour and gets over it.

Oh well, boys will be boys.

Or as I maturely say,

WHAT-EVA!

lazyanna · 17/10/2006 19:32

The sooner you stop giving in, the sooner you don't have to, IYSWIM

Charleesunnysunsun · 17/10/2006 19:44

I don't think that doing it to keep the peace is anything like rape at all becuase at the end of the day your still choosing to do it. But i don;t do it to keep him happy, we have sex when we both want to even if it means him going a month without, i see sex as something very special so refuse to do it just for one of us as i wouldn't excpect dp to do it for me if he didn't want to.

DP does moan sometimes i just tell him to sod off becuase moaning aint going to make me do it! I hate it when he openly asks for it so he usually gets it when hes spontanious and just does it rather than hinting and begging which i cant stand. But i agree it is so childish and annoying for them to sulk for ages like a kid who cant have any sweets.

VanillaMilkshake · 17/10/2006 20:44

I am starting feel a bit defensive over the likening of DH's actions to that of a rapist.

I am a grown up nd if I really dont want to I wont. And he has never threatened me or hurt me emotionally or physically, it's just pester power! Same as DD wanting a lollipop!

Judy1234 · 17/10/2006 22:01

It was not that long ago that rape wasn't legally possible in marriage - there was a continuous consent. But I didn't think anyone was talking about rape. Doing something you don't feel that keen on whether it's cooking dinner or doing his tax return or anything more intimate isn't coercive. It's just being nice.
Not sure it's something very special that might be once a month actually, in marriage but it may depend on age of children. When we had babies and were exhausted was very different from the rest of the time of the marriage.

bluejelly · 17/10/2006 22:06

Have never turned my bf down though ocassionally he has said he;s not in the mood and I've sulked and pestered a bit! really don't see how that mkes me manipulative-- he has always ended up enjoying it so it's for both our benefits...

bluejelly · 17/10/2006 22:08

Sorry occasionally I meant

DastardlyDevilishDior · 17/10/2006 22:11

How awful for the people whose husbands get in a sulk for days...that is emotional bullying. It would make me feel used too. I have the opposite problem (), but much prefer that than being made to feel like I have to do it otherwise I won't get spoken to for days.

joelallie · 18/10/2006 10:59

Sulking is unnattractive in an adult and probably the least likely behaviour to result in a sh*g in my book. Stupid, childish and maniupulative. And to the person who asked if I had ever wheedled something out of my DH, the answer is no I haven't. We're both grown ups - if we want we ask. I might have a row with him about something but I would never sulk. Having said that I usually get what I want anyway

I give in to a duty shag once a week because 1. I love DH and want him to be happy and 2. because our relationship is better for it. I enjoy it anyway usually but sadly that doesn't mean I want it anymore the next time

joelallie · 18/10/2006 10:59

Just remembered reading on a US relationship forum a message from a man headed 'My wife thinks sex is optional'. There were plenty of replies suggesting things he could do to make her more keen but not one that actually said 'That's because it is optional you t*sser - otherwise it's called RAPE'. I'm afraid that attitude still persists - marriage = sex on tap....well it doesn't in all circumstances.

colditz · 18/10/2006 11:08

My dp sulks and strops when refused

Yeah baby. It really makes me hot when he moans at me for 45 minutes an a babyish voice about how we 'never do it any more', then prods me in the small of the back with his member on the pretence of giving me a 'cuddle'. It turns me on so much, I have the woman's equivelant of premature ejaculation, bypass all the sex entirely, and go directly to sleep.

snowleopard · 18/10/2006 11:13

Dizietsma, it's so refreshing to read your old-fashioned feminism (I mean that, I know it could sound sarcastic). Very rare these days.

I think it does depend on the relationship and if it's on an equal footing to start with. To me there's nothing wrong with having sex when you don't really fancy it much because DP/DH would like it (and like many others I get into it once I get started). But that's assuming he'll have the same attitude to meeting my needs and there's no pressure. I too am shocked by these stories of passive-aggressive men using sulking, criticism, silent treatment and other nastiness to get sex. Apart from the unpleasantness, isn't sex between committed partners supposed to be loving and intimate? How can it be that when it's been forced by emotional blackmail or punishment?

Some men are outrageous. But I also think our society in general is far, far more sexist that many "post-feminists" would like to kid themselves and there is often a imbalance between the value placed on women and men's needs, deeply ingrained in both women's and men's minds.

Issues like this do make me think it's time proper feminism was revived...

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