That book Not Just Friends

[winkywinkola]

I've read about it on here. I've just ordered it.

I'm almost dreading it arriving.

How does it help people?

It doesn't. it was written by a rather religious person who died 11 years ago. It is much loved on Mumsnet because its central tenet is that the adulterous partner must confess in enormous detail to their wrongdoings, otherwise there is no hope for the marriage. The offending person is required to grovel and apologise to kingdom come. Of course in the real world marriage failures are six of one and half a dozen of the other most of the time, and the relationship has been neglected on both sides. I suspect that for many husbands and wives whose partner gets a copy it is the final nail in the coffin that has them run for the door.

There was a poster on here a couple of years ago who regarded its contents as a religion and went on and on about it repeatedly, fortunately she flounced before we all died of boredom.

what is this book?

I got a copy after funding out about XHs affair. Not sure why I did as it was pretty obvious he was going to leave and trying to play out some script where he flagellated himself and realised he did love me was never going to happen. Not sure if I got rid of it or whether it's still lurking somewhere

What was that posters name? Was something like WhenWillIFeelNormal and she had somewhat of a cult following.

It didn't help me tbh. Horse had bolted and all that, but I don't think it's that good anyway.

Oh yeah I remember whenwillifeelnormal. I always felt quite sorry for her hope she is happy and ok.

I thought the Shirley Glass one was the mn relationships bible?

There seem to be many on here who rated the book?

victorine since the book is about affairs it's hardly 'six of one half a dozen of the other'
It's a good book about boundaries and how friendships turn into affairs and so on. Well written and quite balanced iirc

WhenWillIFeelNormal helped me a lot when I was going through shit and I felt quite sorry for her when she ended up leaving. Other posters give similar advice and she certainly never told me dp had to grovel and so on as far as I recall. But I do believe that the person who had the affair should be open and honest and disclose everything straight away.

winkywinkola firstly sorry you're going through this. like any book that gives advice there are parts which are useful and parts that aren't and I found some it really useful. Some of it is quite painful to read but I felt it explained things well and helped me explain to dp what was going on for me and what I needed to move forward. I even marked sections I wanted him to read. But this wasn't the only thing we used to move forward we also went to couples counselling.

Good luck.

Victorine WWIFN was fucking fantastic. She was bullied off this site.

I was one of many who never got bored by her. Hate bullies.

VM, you need to get a life

Still being nasty about a poster who left yonks ago and is no longer around to defend herself is pretty low behaviour

winky, that book has helped a lot if people see the wood for the trees

both the cheated upon and the cheater

if your H is willing to read it he will see himself in the pages of that book...it's use will be somewhat more limited in if the open mind is purely from your direction of course

The book is Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends

Sorry to upset you, VM but WWIFN is perfectly ok and better for getting away from the twats that bullied her off this site

I also found WWIFN very helpful.

Glad to hear she's ok, AF. I think she made some posters feel guilty and jealous in equal measures. I still miss her.

Also glad to hear she's ok AF.

Yes, I believe that her worst detractors were actually in dodgy relationships themselves. I can see no other reason for the OTT vitriol directed at her.

All relationships are different. There is no one size fits all answer when things go wrong.

So the book has some wisdom in it?

H ordered for the CD version.

He seems very keen.

It makes me wonder if the woman he was seeing got really scared and backed off quickly when she found out I knew.

I still am undecided as to what to believe so I hope this book will help me a bit.

That is quite true, VM, and intelligent people use what they find to be useful and pay no mind to what they don't.

Unfortunately there is no book that will turn a lying cheat into a decent person if they don't have it in them, but it shows at least a willingness if he has ordered the book as it is aimed squarely at the ways in which people give themselves permission to disrespect their partners.

I saw your other post re OW, Winky. I'm sorry you're going through this tough time.

I thought WWIFN was a brilliant poster. She had a brilliant understanding of the human condition and was very articulate and empathetic. She was always very gentle in her approach too, so it was surprising she attracted such vitriol.

I haven't read this book but I know it was recommended especially when couples want to stay together after infidelity.

I guess its a good thing that your DH realises its his responsibility to repair things. It must be hard to decide whether that can be enough for you. I guess you can give it a shot - you can change your mind at any time.

Well, he says he wasn't unfaithful. Deeply unhappy in our marriage. I knew this. He's flagged it a lot.

This ow was/is also deeply unhappy in her marriage.

He says the relationship was 4 weeks old, they just would talk about their problems, flirt, make each other feel better and not inadequate, one kiss (yeah right) and swears swears swears they didn't sleep together. No sex.

He proper filled his pants when I found the emails.

I don't know what to believe or do really.

He is desperate to stay together but also desperate not to be as unhappy as he was. He says he could never go back to no hugs, sex 11 times a year, hostilities between us (all true).

I guess it's a good opportunity for me to reflect too.

Wwifn was a great poster and I still miss her now. She talked a lot of sense in a very kind way.

I got that book, on her advice, years ago. Sadly by the time it arrived things had gone beyond salvage. Wish I'd had it a year earlier!

Sounds like he's had an EA at the very least you've caught him at it, and he's now blaming you and you're blaming you as well. Was he going to tell you about it if you hadn't found the email? Being unhappy in a marriage doesn't justify sneaking around having other relationships behind someone's back. He could have spoken to you, taken steps to address the issues or left the marriage. Instead he was lining up someone else. So he should quite rightly be making amends and will be lucky if you forgive him for doing this.

Well, I'm in now way blaming me. Right now, I'm trying to think if there are ways that I can contribute to making our marriage better. If it's possible to remain together.

He too says he was wrong to do what he did. He says he should have left.

I just wish I knew for sure I knew what he did.