Did your relationship start out as an affair?

[theaftermath]

Please no flamers as I am looking for support in a bit of a lonely and dark time

Me and DP have been 'together' 2 years. We had an affair for 6 months. Mostly emotional, plenty of "1st base" physical, slept together twice.

We then both left our marriages. We kept our relationship quiet for a 6-12 months (different lengths to different people) and for the last 6-12 months have been "out". (Basically he kept me a secret for longer than I kept him a secret as was worried everyone would realise he'd left his ex for me). My friends knew my marriage was "dead" before I left so that bothered me less.

So nobody ever found out about our affair.

I wondered if anyone else out there who's relationship started as an affair would be able to chat (post on here or privately message). This whole situation has brought out lots of issues as having an affair is something I never thought I would do. (He'd never cheated before either.) We are still very in love and very much want to be together (and for the most part have a great relationship) but there are so many emotions involved and so much "baggage" to deal with. Obviously in hindsight I wish I'd left my marriage first and then got together with him but I can't change that now.

Would really appreciate some people to talk to. thanks

The post by tomorrowisanotherday13 must be extremely distressing to read if you are the one who has be cheated on and abandoned. What a smug and odious thing to post. If my actions were, in part, to blame for the mental breakdown of another person and the estrangement of children and their parent I wouldn't gloat about it on Mumsnet.

aftermath - Can you see that it is only a matter of time before he cheats again. It is who he is. I don't think he can tell you more plainly than he has. He finds fidelity such a difficult concept to muster that he has to go to these extraordinary lengths to avoid cheating every single time he goes out with his friends.

Oh.

He sounds like a catch OP.

Cheats on his wife.
Keeps you as a grubby secret.
Chats to a random woman about your sex life then goes home and has a wank over her
Has to remind himself not to shag around.

Thumbs up there - sounds a keeper.

I have to agree with NotALot

It's just a matter of time before he "forgets" to "keep himself in check again"

How can you say it's "unbelieveable?" Are you serious? You knew what you were getting - a cheating scumbag.

I was single, he was still living at home when we met, however all his mates knew about me. his ex wife knows about me, and we have the kids over every other week. I trust him 100%
however if he had behaved like your guy did I would have dumped him immediately.

OP is the relationship making you happy or miserable? It really shouldn't be that much of an effort for him to stay faithful that he has to psyche himself up to not cheat when he goes out.

I think you thought that you were both unfaithful before because the love you felt for each other was so strong. I think you feel the same but you now think that cheating is something that he is capable of regardless.

If you are still upset about something that happened ages ago then you clearly don't trust him. Try the counselling with him and see if that helps but don't waste years with someone if he can't be trusted.

I wonder if he writes "do not cheat tonight" on his hand before he goes out

Ugh

I think he's setting you up with his herculean efforts of not shagging around. You said you discussed boundaries and your 'line' was doing stuff you would keep secret from your partner. He crossed the line knowing this and got away with it. I think his explanation is back up for when he does it again. He can say
'but you know how hard I tried!'

Good points from mamaslatts

OP I sent you a PM, don't know if you got it but I said this lot would be along to say all this.

Honestly, this thread isn't doing you any good. It is feeding your paranoid. Affairs happen all the time . Women post on here about husbands who were loyal for years then out of the blue up and leave and are told that the man they thought they knew never existed, the cheater is the real him.

Maybe your boyfriend will cheat, maybe he won't. Maybe my boyfriend will cheat on me. I really hope not, it would kill me,but its a risk you take being in a relationship. The only way not to be hurt is to stay single, and then you'd be hurt that no man wanted you.

As to all this checklist shit- when I used to go out clubbing, under my finery I used to wear a really horrible baggy grey white pair of knickers. I called them my clubbing pants. They were just an absolute reminder to me that I wasn't on the pull, because I was going out drink and drugging and you can get carried away when you're out of your mind. I got attention from men those nights and never acted on any of it. But some part of me needed to have those pants on. Does that make me a conniving shit as is being implied?

I don't think the opinion of strangers can help you with this one, you need to work it out with your boyfriend. Just because it started out as an affair doesn't mean it can't work.

I've had more of an explanation... Apparently the "checklist" isn't to stop him cheating but to stop him having sexual thoughts. He says this is because he's always believed them to be bad. I asked him what he meant and he said he meant that if he didn't remind himself of me and "us" or whatever relationship he was in in the past then he had in the past had sexual thoughts about women he had seen/spoken to in bars.

He says he's never acted on it apart from that time and that he thinks that was all down to feeling shit post separation and having crap self esteem due to the fact he was hurting so many people.

It all sounds rather repressed

It certainly doesn't sound normal.

A checklist to stop him having sexual thoughts?!

If going out with his friends occasions so many sexual thoughts that he needs to take steps to stop them, you would wonder about his sexual continence.

Can he not just go out and have a good laugh with his friends without being besieged by thoughts of sex?

Is he 15?

All these increasingly complicated "explanations" sound like spoof to me.

He stonewalled you until you forced the issue, now he's just saying the first shit that occurs to him until he hits on something you will accept.

What does stonewalling mean?

And I'm not clear on the term "sexual continence" in your post. Can you elaborate a bit on what you mean?

I've read most of thread not all. I had to interject.

I am the one who got cheated on. My BF was cheated on. We're the other half so to speak.
But the shitty stuff still remains. You said this up thread

I have found it hard to trust him because he kept me for a secret for so long. Even up to 4 months ago when I took him abroad for a weekend and his ex rang (kids from her phone) he lied about where he was and who he was with as he didn't want her to know, I trust 100% there is nothing going on with them but he just didn't want to "rock the boat" till they were divorced.

ANd...

About a month ago I told him we needed a break as I couldn't cope with it all. (His ex has said things to the kids, they've gone from liking me to telling dad they want us to split up),
And
I also have NEVER felt how I feel about him. And it scares me. I push him away and sometimes am so vile because I guess I am trying to see how much he loves me. God it sounds so fucked up doesn't it. He has been nothing but patient, kind and loving.

When I told him we needed a break he was devastated and we did remain in contact and didn't actually "split" but I kind of laid out what I needed to move the relationship on. And he's done it, every single one. So I now see a man who loves me

And so on.
Well I didn't cheat and nor did BF but all these emotions every single one are the same on the OTHER side of the fence.

So any break up is shitty. Trying to keep the kids sane is the vital thing.

I want you to know my BF's kids are getting fucked up by their Mum and SHE had the affair but wants him back.

So whatever the situation, you have to bare all, keep your head up and add in a huge chunk of hope.
Guilt is pointless anyway.

Thanks LL. Might be cause I'm exhausted but I don't get the exact point of your post? (I don't mean that rudely!!)

Well, I left my first husband around 12 years ago after an affair with a man who was not married. My then husband and I were atrociously suited and he stuck the icing on the cake by assulting me. I left after the 2nd incident. I'd be lying if I said the affair had no impact on my decision to leave but I just wanted freedom and not a relationship.

Other man was very patient and we are now married for 8 years with 3 DC's. Happy endings are possible.

On my phone sorry
You are carrying so much guilt but you explained your emotions perfectly.

I don't carry ANY guilt. I got cheated on and STBXH left. But the emotions and feelings and situations are still the same regardless.

The 'she liked the sound of you sexually' bollocks sounds like him trying to distract you by flattering you and thus end the interrogation. And like some PPs, I don't buy all this 'effort' he goes to not to cheat. Nor do I like how he keeps turning it round to 'poor me' - 'I got her number because I had low self-esteem', 'I got her number because I felt guilty over what I'd done to my ex-wife and you' (why on earth would he cheat/get close to cheating on you because he felt guilty about you?!).

This is what I would do.

I'd say "Hi OH. I've been thinking about everything - with this other woman you texted after being cajoled by your mates - and I've had a change of heart.

"See her is you want to. In fact you can see who you like.

"By the way I have a date tomorrow night as I now consider myself to be single."

And I would go on the date.

Understand this is not about revenge, or game playing, but about equality and reclaiming your power. And showing him he is not the only bingo game in town.... as he has shown you.
After all, monkey see, monkey do.....

Funnily enough, I find that these men are never up for this type of arrangement....

Hi OP, how are you today?

I was wondering if there is anything about his explanation which is acceptable to you? Is he still the man you thought he was before you each ended your marriages? Does he possess the qualities and goals in a life partner that match yours?

It seems to me that every time he opens his mouth he tries to baffle you with bullshit. Easy for me to say because I'm on the outside and I don't know him at all.

To me he comes across as a man who doesn't know what he wants.....nothing inherently wrong with that, nothing wrong with exploring his sexual identity, but really his words aren't consistent with his actions. He gave himself permission to have an affair but wants you to believe that he struggles with the idea of having sexual thoughts about random women he might pass the time of day with in a bar? Really?

The theme which stands out for me is secrecy. The basis of your relationship was secrecy and that's the level at which he is comfortable.

FWIW I hope you're ok and can reach some resolution one way or the other. It's been said already that there aren't any guarantees in relationships and you'll either stay together or you won't. But just remember that you don't have to stay with him if he isn't, after all, right for you.

Aftermath. Fully agree that the checklist is a get out clause, and the talk of you sexually is to flatter you into forgiving.

And to the poster who has to wear grey baggy knickers to stop herself shagging when clubbing - get some fucking self respect.

How exactly does it show a lack of self respect?

he was discussing ur sex life with this woman. his mates knoe this womsn well enough to give him her number. but he was keeping u a secret from his mates? what if the woman had tipped his mates off about u? something sounds wrong here. the fact is u will never know if he would have met up with her.

I have 2 close friends who both are now married to DPs who they had affairs with. In both cases, EVERYONE, knew they were married to other people when they met and dated, people will know!
Also both couples are much more jealous and controlling with each other than what I would consider the norm. They are both still married 7 years down the line, but one of them has cheated again. The fallout with children has also been huge and neither Dp has seen their children from their first marriage for years.