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Original poster

Did your relationship start out as an affair?

153 replies

theaftermath · 08/01/2015 17:47

Please no flamers as I am looking for support in a bit of a lonely and dark time

Me and DP have been 'together' 2 years. We had an affair for 6 months. Mostly emotional, plenty of "1st base" physical, slept together twice.

We then both left our marriages. We kept our relationship quiet for a 6-12 months (different lengths to different people) and for the last 6-12 months have been "out". (Basically he kept me a secret for longer than I kept him a secret as was worried everyone would realise he'd left his ex for me). My friends knew my marriage was "dead" before I left so that bothered me less.

So nobody ever found out about our affair.

I wondered if anyone else out there who's relationship started as an affair would be able to chat (post on here or privately message). This whole situation has brought out lots of issues as having an affair is something I never thought I would do. (He'd never cheated before either.) We are still very in love and very much want to be together (and for the most part have a great relationship) but there are so many emotions involved and so much "baggage" to deal with. Obviously in hindsight I wish I'd left my marriage first and then got together with him but I can't change that now.

Would really appreciate some people to talk to. thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 21:00

And my focus was on him AF. Me and him were messaging after his night out and the next day I find out he'd messaged that girl at the same time. I was SO shocked. Devastated. He did convince me it was a one off stupid thing and I do still believe him, but that doubt is there now

OP posts:
Angleshades · 08/01/2015 21:01

I left my dp of 5 years (no children) to be with my current dp and we've been together 12 years. We're blissfully happy and still very much in love. Although it was a messy beginning we got there in the end and I wouldn't change a thing. I would say it took us about a year for our relationship to feel 'normal' without looking over our shoulders or feeling guilty.

Remember just because someone has cheated once, or even twice, it doesn't necessarily mean that they will again. And vice versa just because someone has never cheated before, doesn't mean they won't in the future. It all depends how good the relationship is between the couple. Good people can have a midlife crisis and end up doing all kinds of random out of character stuff and serial adulterers can find that one special person and settle down. Nothing is ever set in stone and everyone is different.

Aftermath it sounds like something is holding you back, a gut feeling that something is not right. Is it just that text to the woman from the boys night out that bothers you? Or is something else not feeling quite right? Be honest with yourself, where do you see this relationship heading? If something doesn't feel right it needs addressing and you need to talk it through with your partner. If it still doesn't feel right after talks then it's time to consider whether it's worth continuing. Good luck and hope it works out for you.

Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 21:01

He's in counselling at the moment... and says he would be very open to us going together

OP posts:
RonaldMcFartNuggets · 08/01/2015 21:04

I think you should

Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 21:04

angle I'm scared. That's it. I trusted him and he hurt me and he let me down and I am scared to trust him again. I am ok being a single mum and I am scared that loving someone so much could be so painful if he lets me down again

OP posts:
Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 21:10

Maybe worth mentioning that counselling was something he suggested for us as a way to move forward

OP posts:
Angleshades · 08/01/2015 21:14

Aftermath I am really not surprised that the text to the woman has altered your confidence in him. I think that would throw most people off tbh. It might be worth giving counselling a try with him, it can't hurt. The thing is you've only been together 2 years and already you're considering counselling to help save the relationship. Not really a good footing to base the next 10,20... years on.

Is there anyway you can somehow take a step back from him, ie. Go out with friends more, do something else to occupy your mind for a time, new hobbies so that you can come back to the relationship with a fresher mind and re-evaluate it? Do you live together? If not then it would be easier to take more of a step back and take things more slowly until you feel ready to trust him again.

Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 21:21

That's what I was hoping for a month or so ago and the relief was great. But I wanted to be with him, just not as things were. Since then in a short time I have seen the changes as think he realised how close he came to losing me. But I still can't shake this horrible insecurity or fear or whatever it is. His daughter is handling things really badly and I feel so awful for her pain

OP posts:
Angleshades · 08/01/2015 21:32

It'll take longer than a month to stop feeling insecure. You've been through a lot of mixed emotion and it won't settle down easily. All you can do is give it time and hopefully your relationship will become more settled with time and you'll feel more able to trust him.

It sounds like you'll still have a whole host of other problems though if his daughter is taking the split badly. This will cause a lot of guilt on your dp's and your behalf. It doesn't sound like this relationship will be plain sailing, not for a long time by the sounds of it sorry to say Sad

sonjadog · 08/01/2015 21:34

I think you are caught up in sunk costs here. It took so much to have the affair and to split up your families to be with each other that you feel you absolutely must make this work. Unfortunately, sunk costs can make us cling on too long to things that aren't quite right.

Maybe you are right for each other and maybe not, but it sounds like you are desperately clinging on right now. How about taking a step back and thinking that your marriage failed, and it would have failed no matter what. As it happened it was an affair that finally ended it, but it would have been something else if it hadn't been for that. Then, think that you have a new chance of a relationship, if it works out, and then start focusing on whether this relationship is really right for you. If it isn't, then let it run it's course and let it go.

You don't have to be with this man because you left your husband for him. You haven't failed if you do. Try to seperate the two issues and have a more balanced and critical view of the relationship you have here and now.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 21:42

ok, so your focus was on him but he still looked outside of your relationship to boost his ego

this man won't give his entitlement up so easily

counselling to save your relationship so soon ?

it's not meant to be like this....It should still be the honeymoon period

you went through a lot to be together and he devalued it with such apparent ease

worrying

fluffyraggies · 08/01/2015 21:45

Maybe try to look at this without the 'affair' label on the relationship. The fact that this all began as an affair is clouding the water i think.

All the 'if he did that then he could do that now' - conjecture really.

OP are you someone who believes an incident like this (the texting one) is an indicator of that person as a whole, and will forever have doubts about their trustworthyness, or are you someone who can see something like this as a 'one off mistake under particular cirumstances', and move on?

Sickoffrozen · 08/01/2015 21:49

I think when you have an affair and leave a partner there is then an extreme pressure to make it work with the other person, almost like a compulsion.

He doesn't sound very trustworthy to me OP and I would be extremely concerned about that text. You say you believe him now and he is loving and will go to counselling etc but after 2 yrs? Should this be happening? He shouldn't even be looking at other women in that time period let alone after a year, never mind texting them.

No wonder you feel you can't trust him, I wouldn't either. If you hadn't have found the text, where would it have ended? He may well have taken it further. When men text women they meet on a night out, they haven't got a game of scrabble in mind! The intent was there if nothing else.

I personally wouldn't put myself through this.

NotYouAgainLorna · 08/01/2015 22:56

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYouAgainLorna · 08/01/2015 23:01

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NotYouAgainLorna · 08/01/2015 23:05

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BathtimeFunkster · 09/01/2015 07:39

He did convince me it was a one off stupid thing and I do still believe him.

How could you believe something that you know for a fact to be false?

There are people for whom taking the number of someone they fancied on a night out whilst in a relationship could be a one off.

But not for a man who has left his wife and children for his last OW.

He has form for being a cheat and a liar, and you know that.

You now know that you weren't a one off.

You thought you were, that your incredibly strong feelings for each other made you both do something completely out of character.

Asking for a woman's phone number, and messaging her while he messaged you, proves that your affair was not out of character for him.

Plus you know what a good and practised and unrepentant liar he is. And you know you aren't so special that he wouldn't lie to you. So...?

Original poster
theaftermath · 09/01/2015 07:53

bathtime you've pretty much summed up what I thought at the time.

I talked to him last night but he couldn't answer me why he did it. Just said he knew he wouldn't do it again.

I don't feel I have to try extra hard cause we had an affair but I do WANT to try cause I love him. But I'm almost too afraid to try now.

OP posts:
hotcupofjoe · 09/01/2015 08:00

it doesn't matter how many women tell you it worked out for them...this is about you and him
I agree with AnyFucker

I know of several relationships that have started as affairs: some are rock solid, far better than the original ones, and one that is an utter car crash. Other people's happy endings don't tell you anything about your own. What has he done to make you feel better and prove his words?

BathtimeFunkster · 09/01/2015 08:10

I talked to him last night but he couldn't answer me why he did it. Just said he knew he wouldn't do it again.

That's not encouraging, is it?

That after causing so much damage to his wife and children (still ongoing) from his first affair, and then acting in such a faithless and dishonest way with you, that he still has zero insight into what makes him so vulnerable to cheating.

I really think you should step back for a bit and concentrate on your own children and things to make you happy that don't involve a man.

He is not a good bet in his current state. Maybe eventually a this counselling will give him some insight into why he is so untrustworthy and how he can chNge that.

BathtimeFunkster · 09/01/2015 08:20

I also wonder if you really know all that much about his form.

He says he never cheated before, but I doubt he'd tell his next girlfriend that he cheated on you.

I wonder how many number his wife found on his phone, how many messages from women with whom "nothing happened", how many "friendships" with women she knew nothing about.

I wonder how many times she had to accept that he "wouldn't do it again" but that he had no idea why it happened.

Bakeoffcakes · 09/01/2015 08:20

So if I've read this correctly, you had an affair for 6 months, you then left your partners but he kept you a secret for another 12 months? So he lied to everyone in his life- wife, children, family, friends for 18 months in total whist see/being with you? No wonder you feel uneasy about him. He's lived a lie for all that time, how many times has he opened his mouth and lies have come out?
I think you're right to have nagging doubts.

Bakeoffcakes · 09/01/2015 08:24

And I still can't get over the poster who said her H's exW had a nervous breakdown when they split, because of his affair, but they would do it all over again. You sound such a lovely personHmm

arsenaltilidie · 09/01/2015 08:28

Someone up thread mentioned it, why would he hide you when his friends where pushing him to get her number?
And why would he even text her?

It's obviously not a one off for him with your affair and said girl, but I don't believe for one second it was his first time during the time with you.

He slipped up and forgot to cover his tracks.

HellKitty · 09/01/2015 08:48

A close family member had an affair and left DW for OW. He had 2 DCs, 5 and 8 at the time. He married OW and lives on the opposite side of the world, 17 years on. DC1 has never spoken to him since, DC2 visited a couple of times and has also stopped contact now. His wife (OW) gushes on FB about how blissfully happy/soul mates/blah blah guff constantly, to be fair she comes across as panicking. He isn't happy.

Your DP has form, from flirting by getting a mobile number or from having sex (with you). Listen to AF.