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Original poster

Did your relationship start out as an affair?

153 replies

theaftermath · 08/01/2015 17:47

Please no flamers as I am looking for support in a bit of a lonely and dark time

Me and DP have been 'together' 2 years. We had an affair for 6 months. Mostly emotional, plenty of "1st base" physical, slept together twice.

We then both left our marriages. We kept our relationship quiet for a 6-12 months (different lengths to different people) and for the last 6-12 months have been "out". (Basically he kept me a secret for longer than I kept him a secret as was worried everyone would realise he'd left his ex for me). My friends knew my marriage was "dead" before I left so that bothered me less.

So nobody ever found out about our affair.

I wondered if anyone else out there who's relationship started as an affair would be able to chat (post on here or privately message). This whole situation has brought out lots of issues as having an affair is something I never thought I would do. (He'd never cheated before either.) We are still very in love and very much want to be together (and for the most part have a great relationship) but there are so many emotions involved and so much "baggage" to deal with. Obviously in hindsight I wish I'd left my marriage first and then got together with him but I can't change that now.

Would really appreciate some people to talk to. thanks

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 09/01/2015 09:01

And I still can't get over the poster who said her H's exW had a nervous breakdown when they split, because of his affair, but they would do it all over again. You sound such a lovely person
***

Lol these people do not give a shit about the children or the woman/man they are hurting. It is all about themselves and this 'amazing' love they have. So amazing they couldn't wait till they end their relationships first.

My granddad left his first wife for my nan. His wife committed suicide and his two children from that marriage did not have any contact with him for 30 years. That was his punishment, losing his children.

Hobbitwife001 · 09/01/2015 09:23

I totally agree, Rebecca2014, my husband of 27 years has just left for ow and reading that post made me feel so angry at the casual cruelty of her remarks. It is acceptable to ruin someone's mental and physical well being because of their selfish actions. And OP a relationship built on lies and deceit will never run smoothly, there is too much baggage and guilt involved.

Original poster
theaftermath · 09/01/2015 10:09

hellkitty apart from the obvious unhappiness at not being in his kids lives, how do you know he isn't happy?

Spoke again this morning. He just says that I mean everything to him but when I say "so if I mean everything why did you go and get someone else's number and then try and meet with them?" he has no answer. When I say that I wasn't a one off and he cheated again at the first opportunity he had and obviously I didn't mean enough for him to not do that he just says "I disagree" but won't say anymore or explain anything else. Just clams up.

How can he disagree with fact?????

OP posts:
Paddlingduck · 09/01/2015 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 09/01/2015 10:37

he just says "I disagree" but won't say anymore or explain anything else. Just clams up.

This is standard cheat behaviour.

Which is not to say he's cheating on you now.

But he's not prepared to be honest with you, or to face the failing in himself that makes him prone to cheat.

You caught him attempting to hook up with another woman while he still had to keep you a secret because of his last infidelity.

You didn't even get a honeymoon period.

And he is completely unwilling to address this.

If you were his wife, if you had children together, if you actually knew him as well as she does, we'd be saying you had no chance of making it work, no matter how much you wanted it to, if he wouldn't be honest about what he had done and what that meant about his character.

But you don't know this man, really. You've only just been elevated to the status of publicly acknowledged girlfriend.

I think you can only go forward with this if you accept that he is unlikely to remain faithful and make your peace with that.

The good thing is that you don't really have any sunk costs.

Your exit affair with this lying cheat had put your own family in a happier and more positive place for the future.

There are better men out there than him.

Original poster
theaftermath · 09/01/2015 11:06

well I've just had a VERY long message "explaining" it all and now have some thinking to do. Thanks for all the thoughts Sad

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 09/01/2015 11:39

aftermath, it sounds like you're with a man who hasn't got to a mature enough point to analyse why he cheats. With respect, cheating is someting in his personality. It's usually linked to many different things - entitlement, secrecy, arrogance, insecurity, power etc etc. But it's nothing to do with you. I have known people be serially unfaithful and then settle down. And I've known people who've been faithful their whole lives meet someone, fall for them and have a huge affair. So people can 'change.'

But he doesn't sound like he's capable of seeing his own destructive pattern and being prepared to unpick it. He got together with you after an affair and then texted a random woman to meet up with her and minimised that he was 'cajoled' in to it.
Seriously. This is the same behaviour. He's not changed. This is a mechanism, a habit. Hell, a personality. You have fallen in love with a man who does this. If he can't see that about himself and be totally committed and excited about change, which he obviously can't, then....welcome to being his wife.

Original poster
theaftermath · 09/01/2015 11:45

no thanks!!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
theaftermath · 09/01/2015 11:46

His explanation and talking to him does make some sense and he is finally being honest about why.

but I still don't feel I could trust him long term and I still don't feel he could keep me safe and take care of me how I need.

I think I'd feel more comfortable taking care of myself.

OP posts:
HellKitty · 09/01/2015 11:53

I think not being in his DCs lives is enough, there is always that part missing. I spoke to him at a funeral a couple of years ago in person, his now adult children were there too. They avoided him. He misses them obviously, and this country and culture and humour. All he has now is OW. She's ok as a person but she and everyone involved knows the pair of them are sneaky liars.

As for you and this text flirting, it's been a year since you found out. You seriously need to let it go or let him go or this will always raise its ugly head.

Original poster
theaftermath · 09/01/2015 11:56

Yes, you're right kitty.

So - are there any circumstances under which you would advise I should consider giving him a chance?

He's explained it all fully
Definitely showing remorse (but not asking for sympathy.)

I WANT to trust him. and I DO LOVE him

OP posts:
YoullLikeItNotaLot · 09/01/2015 12:00

I know people who have become a couple after affairs. I think it seems common than it HAS to work otherwise the heartbreak of the ex-partners and children would have been for nothing and they end up struggling on in a relationship that would end far earlier in "normal" circumstances.

I don't know if you can trust your partner. But I hope you don't sacrifice yourself as penance for having an affair.

mamaslatts · 09/01/2015 12:00

aftermath you have written about how much you love him and want to make it work but you really don't seem happy - do you think you ever will be with him? It doesn't matter how much you love someone if they don't make you happy. That kind of angst is for teenagers only.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 09/01/2015 12:05

Does he even know the truth anymore? The man seems to be a well-practised liar. Love means nothing if there's no trust IMO.

HellKitty · 09/01/2015 12:12

Hmm. It depends on his explanation as to whether you can forgive, him being cajoled by mates just makes him sound like a pussy. I could see how that could arise but not the text convos after, and after sobering up. He might have seen it as harmless flirting and a bit of light relief after jumping out of one serious relationship and straight into another (you). But I think you're lack of trust is more paranoia that he could do the same to you as he did with his wife, guilt perhaps now the shoe is on the other foot, and low self esteem from being hidden away for so long.

However it goes tonight you have to drop this topic afterwards. For good. For your own sanity and the health of your relationship. If you stay together keep it in mind but never bring it up, you have to move on for a fresh start.

Twinklestein · 09/01/2015 12:20

You can give him another chance OP, no-one here can tell you not to, and at the end of the day humans don't always follow the paths predicted for them.

But, you'll you have to keep a close eye on his mobile phone for other women he's 'cajoled' into contacting. And it will take a long time to rebuild trust. You may find some time down the line that the trust is broken again.

HellKitty · 09/01/2015 12:24

Sorry, I did a 'you're' instead of 'your'. I hate myself Hmm

Twinklestein · 09/01/2015 12:24

I disagree that the topic has to be dropped. The only way trust could ever be rebuilt is for the DP to accept what mistrust his actions have caused in the relationship and to work with her in rebuidiling that trust. She'd need access to his mobile etc.

BloodontheTracks · 09/01/2015 12:25

What's going on at the moment that has brought this text thing back up in your head, aftermath? Why now? Is there some recurring trust feeling you have that it exemplifies?

If you really feel "but I still don't feel I could trust him long term and I still don't feel he could keep me safe and take care of me how I need." then I don't understand why you'd carry on. Forget the text, if that's how you feel the relationship is doomed.

The cajoling sounds like nonsense to me. Never heard of it.
Why do you feel he's finally being honest about why? If so, can you accept that, empathise, and move on?

HellKitty · 09/01/2015 12:30

Twinklestein, dropped after she has discussed this at length tonight. And I agree about op having access to the mobile, but you don't want to be banging on and on about the same thing forever.

loveareadingthanks · 09/01/2015 12:32

No 'explanation' would make any difference to me.

Some relationships that start with affairs work. This one sounds likely awfully hard work though. And you know he's not averse to playing around behind your back, whatever excuses he came up with.

I'm reminded of my ex and the OW. I was devastated. I checked his emails. At the exact same time he and she were planning on his leaving me and their new life, he'd started emailing another woman and was meeting up with her as well. So he cheated on me with OW, then at the point of getting together with OW, he started cheating on her with someone else. Cheats cheat.

Twinklestein · 09/01/2015 12:35

He's put cheating on the table, it can't be brushed under the carpet.

HellKitty · 09/01/2015 12:40

She loves him and thinks she wants to stay with him though Twinkle Confused

BloodontheTracks · 09/01/2015 12:44

Love should be our servant not our master.
Plenty of women in terrible relationships with violent or abusive men stay because they 'love' him.

It's worth thinking what love means in this situation. You know, there's a definition of love which is 'I can't have all this have been for nothing so I feel a powerful emotional urgency that we stay together'. It's not the same as actively wanting to be with someone forever because of how you complement, support and respect each other.

Twinklestein · 09/01/2015 12:45

I know, and if that's what she wants they'll have to work, through the effects of his behaviour. They can't just not talk about it anymore.