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Original poster

Did your relationship start out as an affair?

153 replies

theaftermath · 08/01/2015 17:47

Please no flamers as I am looking for support in a bit of a lonely and dark time

Me and DP have been 'together' 2 years. We had an affair for 6 months. Mostly emotional, plenty of "1st base" physical, slept together twice.

We then both left our marriages. We kept our relationship quiet for a 6-12 months (different lengths to different people) and for the last 6-12 months have been "out". (Basically he kept me a secret for longer than I kept him a secret as was worried everyone would realise he'd left his ex for me). My friends knew my marriage was "dead" before I left so that bothered me less.

So nobody ever found out about our affair.

I wondered if anyone else out there who's relationship started as an affair would be able to chat (post on here or privately message). This whole situation has brought out lots of issues as having an affair is something I never thought I would do. (He'd never cheated before either.) We are still very in love and very much want to be together (and for the most part have a great relationship) but there are so many emotions involved and so much "baggage" to deal with. Obviously in hindsight I wish I'd left my marriage first and then got together with him but I can't change that now.

Would really appreciate some people to talk to. thanks

OP posts:
OvertiredandConfused · 08/01/2015 19:26

I have a (male) friend in a relationship that started as an affair when he was married and his now DP was single.

The way he behaved in terms of having an affair and then ending his marriage was terrible - I had minimal contact with him for a couple of years and still see his ex-wife regularly.

However, he was honest about why he was leaving and didn't hide his new relationship. Also, he had a history of ONS during his marriage but, since starting this relationship has been faithful. His current partner is clearly a much better match for him - it's just a shame (understatement of the century) that he handled it all the way he did.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 19:26

look, anyone who cheats in an attempt to "not feel bad about themself" has a problem with fidelity

what happens next time he gets a bit fed up, life gets a bit humdrum (when both your rose tinted specs come off and it becomes again the daily grind about whose turn it is to put the bins out), his mates "cajole" him again, he thinks he isn't gettig enough attention from you blah blah

he didn't "make a mistake"...he decided he deserved to boost his ego by messaging another woman repeatedly, that is the action of someone making a conscious choice

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 08/01/2015 19:29

* He has been nothing but patient, kind and loving.*

Liar, deceitful, unfaithful, sneaky. To name but a few other things he has been.

Sophrosyne · 08/01/2015 19:29

If he did it with you, he could do it to you.

He has it in him, why should you be so special that he won't do it to you? Wasn't his DW special to him at one point?

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 19:29

OP, how many happy-ever-after stories of lifelong relationships that started as affairs will it take for your gut feeling about this man to be quashed ?

10 ? 20 ?

it doesn't matter how many women tell you it worked out for them...this is about you and him

and it's not looking good

Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 19:34

Yes AF they were all the things I said to him at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 19:35

I wasn't looking for happy ever after at all. Just some people to talk to who might understand the feelings of trying to get past it into "normal"

OP posts:
Sharpasknives · 08/01/2015 20:13

Yes, we had a brief affair of 3 months, he left his wife, I left my husband , we are still together 3 years on, blissfully happy, we are each other's perfect match. I'm friends with my ex, we work together for our kids, eg - he comes for tea once a week, spend kids birthdays as a family, his split was not so amicable, but is now ok for their kids. Together we spend time as a blended family , but still spend time alone with our own kids.
We were both unhappy in our marriages and only now know why,we really couldn't live without the other, and although for him it caused massive problems initially, his kids and mine are forever on Skype together...and we kept it secret for a year after the split, it's now in the open although we never flaunt it. It can have a happy ending.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 20:16

Sharp, have you ever caught your new partner acting inappropriately with other women after getting egged on by his mates ?

Sharpasknives · 08/01/2015 20:20

No never .

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 20:21

thought not

lemisscared · 08/01/2015 20:23

what is it they say? when the man marries the mistress, it creates a vacancy.

i hope that the children have managed to get over the separation.

Sharpasknives · 08/01/2015 20:30

Are you talking about ours? If so, they never knew about the affair, we left it 12- 16 months before introducing our new partners into their lives, and our eldest children seek each other out to play with when they are with the other parent. They are friends, but we never push them together. They arrange to meet each other separately without us present. And all the children are happy, we've been on holiday together with no issues, other than the usual when children, siblings included , argue about who's first/ best/ at whatever.
All the children have lots of access to the nrp.

Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 20:32
Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 20:33

That is great sharps

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 20:34

OP, if this doesn't feel right it's ok to admit to yourself and to others that you backed the wrong horse.

zippey · 08/01/2015 20:38

Richard and Judy started out as an affair I think.

Rebecca2014 · 08/01/2015 20:41

It all sounds so deceitful. You and your partner sound so smug, so cunning.

Sorry but I hate threads like this. Just the ow coming together to smugly talk about their affairs. I still do not understand why you think a man like that is such a catch, what makes you so special he wouldn't cheat on you?

Also his kids are on to you two.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 20:44

< snort > @ Richard and Judy

AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 20:45

I don't think OP sounds remotely smug. I think she sounds gutted.

bitofanoddone · 08/01/2015 20:46

I have a friend who is a very high profile lawyer. He had an affair and left his wife and children. 3 months later yeah, yeah who believes that time frame! a pretty, young lawyer from his office appeared on his arm. Sadly, she is bi polar and violent. He stayed in the new relationship for too long, think court cases/ job on the line as he didn't want to accept that all the hurt had not been worth it. He has almost lost everything.

Imi22sleeping · 08/01/2015 20:47

Yes I was single he had. A gf of two years we have been together 7married for 3 have the most beautiful little daughter and it still kills me I behaved the way I did its caused all sort of problems.and health issues the guilt I feel is horrendous I'm a changed person I barely go.out or make friends and I definitely am not smug about it

Original poster
theaftermath · 08/01/2015 20:51

I can promise you I feel anything but smug.

I want to be able to trust him. And I genuinely don't think I backed the wrong horse but I'm just being held back as I am so scared of him letting me down again. I love him like I've never loved anybody. And I want to accept that he made a mistake / wrong choice whatever on that night out and move on but I don't know if I can Sad. That makes me feel gutted as I don't want to lose him. Tbh it's not as I've sunk so much as my marriage would be over anyway... It's just that I genuinely love this man. I want to believe he can bring me happiness and not worry!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/01/2015 20:55

The best predictor of future behaviour ?

past behaviour

he went elsewhere the minute your focus wasn't on him

take the way you got together out of the equation and that is still shit

RonaldMcFartNuggets · 08/01/2015 20:57

That happened a year ago and you've moved on and he's trying his hardest to make things progress.

If you still aren't happy and can't trust him, end it.

Maybe you guys should get counselling ?