Single Dad wants to see baby more

[Cowapjn]

Hello everyone. I have posted on here before and received some excellent honest advice.
Im seeking some more if possible please. The jist of my story is:

• Me and the ex girlfriend have a 6 and a half month old.
• We split when she was pregnant.
• Despite my absolute best efforts we remain separated.
• Since the birth we have got back together a number of occasions but she has issues that created a vicious circle and she kept ending it.
• I did so much for her when it wasnt needed but to try and make it work. This included coming off all social media, changing my number, disowning my own sister, isolating myself from friends, decorating the house to her taste so she would want to move back in etc it wasnt enough.

As i said our daughter is 6 and a half months old. The only time i have ever had alone with her was when i took her for a walk in the cold wind rain. Every other occasion is supervised either at hers or at her mothers which isnt ideal as i have an audience. None of my friends what so ever have met my daughter. A lot of my family have yet to meet her.
Due to work I see my daughter at weekends for 3 hours tops which absolutely kills me!
Things have become so strained now i dont know what will happen.

Me ex made a very fair point that i dont know our daughters routine. I then said i wont know unless she tells me which she has so far failed to do. Its not like i can spend a full 24 hours with the ex and baby and note down the routine - i need her help.

I own my own home and i just want to start having my daughter on my own is it too much to ask? The ex is so unreasonable though its so difficult i fear my only option is a solicitor which i cant afford and even if i could id much prefer to spend the money on the baby.

Im not a scum bag, ive never cheated, i work hard and pay my way. It feels like this should have been the best experience of my life but it hasnt. I missed the birth, night feeds and so much more and it so painful even more as the ex led me to believe her moving back in with the baby was imminent and i spent a lot of time and money making the house how she wanted.

There is my story.
Advice please
Be as brutal as you like but ill not be made to feel bad because i want to see my daughter more.

Thanks

J

Cowapjn - I really feel for you. I'm sure you are feeling completely helpless right now. And the kicker is, there is fuck all you can do without your ex agreeing to it. Seriously, without going through the courts (which would presumably be a very expensive nightmare causing all kinds of animosity between you and your childs mother) you need her on-side.

I split up with my (now) wife for around 4 months in 2013 and we had a 6 month old son. I didn't see him for a month any more than when I was picking and dropping off my daughters. It was horrendous. Eventually I persuaded her to let me have one overnight midweek, before then having him every weekend with the girls plus all of them one night mid-week. Anything less than that and I would've felt in bits. I was lucky though - she appreciated the free time and so was willing to pass them on to me.

I see no reason why you couldn't have your child overnight. Yes, you may want to start small both for yourself and the baby - picking up your daughter after work and returning her first thing in the morning on your way back to work. I'd frame it to her has letting her have an evening off, a good nights sleep, chance to visit friends etc. I know it's hard right now but you really do need to be the bigger person here and just be as nice as possible about all this to get her on-side. If she says no then keep asking, once or twice a week in emails so that you have a record of this (just in case). But ask I'm sure that once you get something like this in place the rest will sort itself out.

What alot of the posters seem to forget on here is that it's so important for a child of any age to have regular decent contact with both parents. Those formative years create so much of a bond. And one night away from the mother at that age with the childs dad is a GOOD thing for the baby AND father.

Good luck

Just out of interest Amantes, do you have children and if so, did you put yourself on a parenting course before you felt you could be trusted to look after your own baby without supervision.

I have rather a lot of children and yes, I chose to take part in several surestart courses surrounding baby care, actually and to earn my infant and child first aid certificate.

Did you, SaucyJack?

Because there is nothing wrong with wanting to learn to care for our DC to the absolute best of our ability, via whatever means or resources are available.

Are you aware that cafcass will often ask a fairly disinvolved father to complete a parenting course, prior to recommending unsupervised contact? Particularly with a young child, HanselandGretle?

If the op is seen to be acting in this particularly child centred manner, it would not only benefit the baby but help his case no end, should he have to go to court.

Whether the op feels my advice is helpful or not, I can assure you both that it was and is a well considered and well intended suggestion.

Mediation is about £75 a session if she doesn't go you only need one. Court cost are around £200 for the papers to file as long as she has no record of DV/EV etc she won't get legal aid meaning you'll both be representing yourselves unless her family pay for a solicitor.

Unless she starts wanting DNA tests, drug test, alcohol test it should cost more than that. You may find however she wants contact centres but that will be you and the baby and if she wants notes taken which I would recommend (it cost a bit more) 2 independent CC workers who simply observe you. If you think that is better than her mum and her watching you have nothing to loose really

Faffyduck, as above.

I thought parenting classes were a good idea, not necessary but as another way to give him confidence and to erode the protests. It's a bit extreme maybe, but I went on antenatal & Nct classes before I felt confident in taking care of a newborn, so I don't see it as ridiculous?

I also think reading books is a good idea. That was something I meant to suggest.

The parenting course is just crap, no mother goes one before they look after their own baby before they leave the hospital, you learn as you go like any parent.

WrappedInABlankie, you are wrong. See above. Plenty of mothers actually are that diligent.

I suggest you review your post and make some edits. Nope, I stand by what I said. I suggest you get used to your existing situation and stop moaning about it OR actually take some advice and make some positive changes - this means making sacrifices, it's part of parenthood.

You're not the only person on earth ever to have a child. It's expensive, it affects your career/job availability, you might have to move, change jobs, rehome a pet, or whatever else. It seems like you have an excuse for everything - job, hours, house, dog, bla bla bla - we've all got that, but when you become a parent the baby comes first and you do whatever you have to do. If my right arm was stopping me see my baby, I would chop the bloody thing off, let alone not seeing the baby because you have to see the dog or you don't want to ask for fewer hours/change jobs etc.

Maybe you're quite happy only seeing her 3 hours a week? After all, your post focussed only on the supervision issue, not the amount of contact time. In which case it's easy to see why your ex wants to supervise your contact. She probably worries for the baby's wellbeing given (a) your possible lack of competence looking after a baby given how little time you spend doing it, and (b) the fact you appear to lack the normal amount of parental love for the child, given you're making little effort to see the child.

TL;DR - stop moaning or do something about it. HTH.

It's strange that the mothers never have to prove themselves as a parent.
No parent instantly has all the knowledge.
OP I'm sure you can get support from HV.
I think that there isn't much research in to babies that have split contact. It would be interesting to see, not that anyone would volunteer to take part.

It's strange that the mothers never have to prove themselves as a parent.

It's stranger still that anyone would think that.

It was the assumption that mum was a good parent and the OP needed to prove himself.
What happens if the mother dies. Will the baby go in to a holding bay until til the OP gets his A'level in parenting.
It really doesn't need to be so complicated. Need a bit of give and take.

So plenty of mothers don't have unsupervised contact with there babies before going on a parenting course?

Wrapped, obviously plenty of mothers invest in parenting courses before even birth. From ante natal courses (i.e.pre-baby birth and baby care courses), to post natal courses, onto other age specific courses and first aid courses. So, yes.

Have you never sought to further or enhance your parental abilities at any stage if your DC(?)s life? Why do you find it so odd that many people do?

King, from pregnancy, via midwives, post birth, via midwives, then health visitors, onto nursery then school staff, mothers (and fathers, if involved) generally do have to prove at every step of their child's life, that they are competent and able.

Should the mother die (random interjection?), the chances are the baby would be placed with whoever is best placed to care for her appropriately, particularly if the fathers ablity to care is challenged by anyone. Should the baby be with the father, he would have to evidence his abilities in the care of the baby, as above.

I was focusing on the the attitude of previous posters, amantas. It's quite sad really the level of socialisation regarding gender roles.
I'm sure the OP can look after his child alone for afternoon. His ex is being unreasonable. Maybe she is socialised to conform to gender roles and maybe a bit controlling, maybe using the baby to punish the OP.
Legal advice is the way to go. Get clear contact drawn up.

My goodness me what sexist rubbish some of you are peddling

"King, from pregnancy, via midwives, post birth, via midwives, then health visitors, onto nursery then school staff, mothers (and fathers, if involved) generally do have to prove at every step of their child's life, that they are competent and able. "

I've never once had anyone question my competency as a parent. Let alone have to prove it. I had a HV once who seemed determined to make me admit I was having problems (when I patently wasn't) but I suspect she was a lunatic who had been on a few too many psychology courses....

If the mother died, as the father, he's the baby's next of kin. No qualifications beyond that required. (Not suggesting you kill anyone OP....)

Never have I taken ante-natal classes, parenting classes etc.

If I felt I couldn't parent my dc to the best of my ability I would. But I can

I'm putting together a letter to send to my XP detailing what improved terms I would like. As the baby is now 6.5 months old and my contact levels have not increased.
I do have 2 full days a week that i could put to very good use with my daughter by my XP is unreasonable.

With regards to classes i agree they are not needed. My XP didnt takr part in any.
I may still look into it however as im not selfish and expect that i can have the baby on my own and be fine.
I think either parenting classes or advice on her routine etc from my XP but ive requested this info before and it hasnt been provided.
I states that i need her help to help me. Details of her routine how often she eats and how much she eats. A parenting clAss cant teach me this as its my own daughters individual routine.

I may attend mediation knowing full well my XP wont attend if i wanted to go down the legal route.

I just wish she would be more reasonable. She must spite me a little to not be more open to more contact?
We should both put our differences aside and put our daughter first she needs both parents in her life on a regular basis.

"Details of her routine how often she eats and how much she eats"

You can actually find typical baby routines on line and in books. There are only a few variables really. Regular milk feeds with occasional bits and pieces of solid food at the same mealtimes as yourself. Regular naps in between. They tend to wake when they wake (very early IME!) and, if you start a night-time wind-down with a warm bath around 6-7pm you won't go far wrong.

Babies are tougher than they look and don't mind if their schedule gets changed every so often.

"She must spite me a little to not be more open to more contact?"

Do you have any idea why she would feel spiteful? Are there any grievances that weren't resolved? Are her 'issues' significant? Is she being influenced by friends or parents? You must have got along together at one point..... can you ever chat just as friends?

You should both put your differences aside for the sake of the baby.

It's incredibly unfair that she's not

But, no point in moaning or attacking her over it. With children if one parent "wins" the child always loses ultimately.

My sister has a horrid situation - kids dad is absent and blames her for it, she's too difficult for him to be in the kids lives in his eyes. My sister could have told her kids (old enough now to understand) that daddy's useless, can't be arsed etc - she'd be justified in doing so- however that would cause harm to her kids even if it made her feel better, so for now she grits her teeth, makes excuses and allows daddy in their eyes to be a hero off saving the world somewhere as the reason why he's not about. By not insisting on "winning" she's putting her kids first - it's still bloody unfair but it's the right thing to do.

You've had some very insightful responses from women into how you might handle your ex to get what you want.

I'm really stunned at the snobbery towards the parenting classes on here, I totally agree that OP shouldn't "have to" but they are a brilliant suggestion. The ex would have a great big glaring reason exactly why she SHOULD trust him with the baby - he's decent enough to prepare himself in any way he possibly can, doesn't assume as shockingly apparently some do that they couldn't ever possibly better themselves from attending one, and she would no longer be able to say to anyone ... He doesn't know how to do x, y or z properly so can't be trusted with her.

Honestly I feel quite angry and how some people have jumped to the assumption that parenting classes are only necessary if you can't handle your kids. Everybody can always improve - even Mary poppins!

God this situation is infuriating. Very much akin to one my friend is going through right now although that's more difficult because his ex has moved 100's of miles away.

Parenting classes might be a good idea, but I really don't like this attitude that the father has to go to those lengths to prove he'll be a good dad. What's that all about?

"The ex would have a great big glaring reason exactly why she SHOULD trust him with the baby "

The 'big glaring reason' is that he's the child's father and he wants to have a relationship with his child That qualifies him for all the trust in the world....

It's got nothing to do with "snobbery" towards parenting classes- whether they have their uses or not is an entirely separate issue to what's being discussed here.

The point is (history of abuse/neglect aside) the NRP doesn't have to jump through hoops to prove themselves as a parent before being allowed unsupervised access any more than the RP does- or indeed both parents if they are still living together.

NRPs aren't obliged to earn the RPs trust or follow their instructions in the same way that a childminder or grandparent would be. They have a legal right to a relationship that is entirely separate to the RPs wishes.

Speaking as someone who's been a single parent.... letting go of the control and accepting that my ex has just as much right to parent our children in the manner he sees fit is one of the hardest things you can do as a mother. But done it must be.

(Although you'll get much further quicker if it's done nicely OP)

Of course being her father qualifies him.

But in the exes head it obviously doesn't.

So give her something a little more black and white and not subject to her own interpretation.

There is no point him "winning" this. It's totally unfair. He shouldn't have to go through all this. But... For the sake of his daughter, it may be best that he dances to the mothers tune rather than focuses his energy on fighting over their daughter

faffy but by the sounds of things that isn't going to work, she seems to be constantly making excuses.

If it does end up being taken to court though I suppose him doing the parenting classes would look well on him, but it's ridiculous he needs to jump through hoops like this just to see his own child.