Single Dad wants to see baby more

[Cowapjn]

Hello everyone. I have posted on here before and received some excellent honest advice.
Im seeking some more if possible please. The jist of my story is:

• Me and the ex girlfriend have a 6 and a half month old.
• We split when she was pregnant.
• Despite my absolute best efforts we remain separated.
• Since the birth we have got back together a number of occasions but she has issues that created a vicious circle and she kept ending it.
• I did so much for her when it wasnt needed but to try and make it work. This included coming off all social media, changing my number, disowning my own sister, isolating myself from friends, decorating the house to her taste so she would want to move back in etc it wasnt enough.

As i said our daughter is 6 and a half months old. The only time i have ever had alone with her was when i took her for a walk in the cold wind rain. Every other occasion is supervised either at hers or at her mothers which isnt ideal as i have an audience. None of my friends what so ever have met my daughter. A lot of my family have yet to meet her.
Due to work I see my daughter at weekends for 3 hours tops which absolutely kills me!
Things have become so strained now i dont know what will happen.

Me ex made a very fair point that i dont know our daughters routine. I then said i wont know unless she tells me which she has so far failed to do. Its not like i can spend a full 24 hours with the ex and baby and note down the routine - i need her help.

I own my own home and i just want to start having my daughter on my own is it too much to ask? The ex is so unreasonable though its so difficult i fear my only option is a solicitor which i cant afford and even if i could id much prefer to spend the money on the baby.

Im not a scum bag, ive never cheated, i work hard and pay my way. It feels like this should have been the best experience of my life but it hasnt. I missed the birth, night feeds and so much more and it so painful even more as the ex led me to believe her moving back in with the baby was imminent and i spent a lot of time and money making the house how she wanted.

There is my story.
Advice please
Be as brutal as you like but ill not be made to feel bad because i want to see my daughter more.

Thanks

J

She didn't suggest i see the baby at mine, my mothers or a contact centre but those are the only remaining options.

My XP's mother just said ill have to find somewhere else to see the baby

I've read one of your posts before and I'm another one that really feels for you.

I would be frustrated and frankly cheesed off too in that situation as it always seems to be on the mothers terms. I can't say it was the easiest thing in the world but mine started staying overnight at dads from nearly 5months (breastfed before that). Did I want her to go, no of course not but I felt that he had to have chance to bond and build a relationship with her too without me in the background. Its our baby after all, not just mine. Definitely go for legal advice.

I really hope it all works out for you op.

Ok, in your opinion, you work full time mon-fri, so you should have priority at weekends because the mother 'has her all week'. Or to put it another way, the mother can't get a full time job because she has a full time baby to look after. I'm sure if you offered to have the baby 2.5 days a week (and then she didn't have to pay childcare for that time), then you would each be able to work half the time, but you're not offering that, so don't hold it against her that you've got a full time job. It's because you've got a full time job (and knocked her up) that she can't afford to have a full time job! Just trying to get you to see the situation from a different perspective.

Secondly, you acknowledge it sounds ridiculous, but you don't see the baby after work because you have to get back for your DOG?? What. the. hell? You should not be able to get back to see your dog because you have to see your baby, what the hell is wrong with you? Do you want to see her or not? If you don't have time to look after both of them, which you don't, obviously you have to choose, which you have. You have chosen your dog. I love my dog like anything but honestly, I cannot undrstand what the hell is going on inside your head for you to have decided that priority.

Sounds like you just want everything your own way. You won't give up anything - hours at work (take a different job if you have to), the dog, the 'it has to be on my own'. Get over yourself, you're a parent, maybe when you start making sacrifices like one and acting like one, you'll get treated like one.

I don't mean neglect your dog by the way - having thought about it, I suppose you made that choice because your ex is looking after the baby, so you don't have to, whereas nobody is looking after the dog for you. But if it was me, I'd rehome the dog and go and see the baby every opportunity. Why on earth haven't you done this?

I also think the baby is quite clingy to her mum at this stage

Of course she is, she is only 6 months old, that's completely healthy behaviour. Look up separation anxiety, it is a normal milestone at her age, you should be worried if she wasn't attached to her primary care giver. It doesn't need 'fixing' by separating them, or all breastfed babies would be fucked, wouldn't they?

Not to make this all about the dog but couldn't you nip home then take the dog to your mums for a couple of hours (you drive on to see baby), then pick up and have walk and play time (with dog) when you get back? Find (pay if need be) someone to come visit and walk the dog one early evening or late afternoon (to break the day up more) a week? I'm assuming you have someone look in on the dog during the day whilst you're at work (unless you come home for a break?)- could they help out one evening?
I know it sounds like a hassle but the outcome of seeing your child more without neglecting your dog is pretty ideal.

I remember your previous thread and I'm afraid your tone was somewhat petulant then and remains (a little less, though) that way. You really need to suck it up and be civil with ex and her family; they're your DD's family too. If you feel they're being completely unreasonable then seek legal advice.

Your relationship sounds like it was dysfunctional so I think it's best you leave that in the past.

Clingy is fine, it's natural. The way to get a baby through clinging is not to give them time apart, but by doing what it takes to keep them feeling secure through a natural stage.

Get rid of the bloody dog! If there's a real prospect of seeing your child after work, please god put that ahead of a dog!

From everything you've said, I agree about a solicitor. If not to demand more contact from tomorrow, to formalise what you have and say you want it to increase to x at 1 year, and y from 2 years onwards. Then (I'm only guessing this has any weighting) a court later would see that you're not suddenly trying to change contact, and you have considered the baby's needs when very young.

As to the mention of not being able to sit around in someone else's house for 5 hours on a Sat and Sun - why not? Where has this 5 hours / both days come from compared to the 3 hours a week? DO IT. Do anything you can right now.

I do feel for you but you're not helping yourself are you?!

It sounds like you feel you bent over backwards and she still rejected you, so now you won't bushe on anything and would really love her to be doing the running.

Fair enough in terms of a reaction to a failed relationship but this isn't ok in every other way and you have to stop with the anger and getting back at her...

This kind of attitude
A. Isn't fair on the child - she's at the centre of this, not your relationship and paat history with her mother. Don't treat the baby like isn't some occupied territory or a spoils of war type situation.
B. Won't get you closer to what you want,
C. And will in fact do the opposite, giving you no grounds to build a baby-focused relationship where both parents can amicably sort out arrangements, and you'll give her evidence that she can use against you.

Take a deep breath, and start working through what emotional stuff you can leave behind, and focus on your baby, not your ex.

New mothers ESP first time ones go a bit crazy. I certainly have/did regarding my son.

But you have to play clever. You're not helping yourself.

A woman is programmed to protect her baby at all costs, it can be entirely irrational - I actually worried my baby was bonding more with dad than me and saw his dad as a threat for a while. Not obviously but I realise that subconsciously I behaved like this - making up reasons why baby needed me and not him at any given moment. It was perfectly logical in my head at the time.

You need to avoid being the threat here. It's true you don't know her routine, it's true she doesn't know you or your family as well as hers etc. But don't keep pointing that out, your only making the "threat" to her bigger.

Go overboard doing the nice supportive dad thing and I expect she'll soften. It's difficult to let go of someone who makes your life much easier eg, stack up the nappies for her without asking for money, offer to spend even more time supervised so you can learn the routine so that she can have a night out, compliment her parenting skills etc

I know it's unfair. But play clever, for your daughters sake. A stressed mummy because you "win" what you want isn't the best thing for your daughter

From your initial post:
Me ex made a very fair point that i dont know our daughters routine. I then said i wont know unless she tells me which she has so far failed to do. Its not like i can spend a full 24 hours with the ex and baby and note down the routine - i need her help.

This is a bit of a red herring. What you do need to know, is how to take proper care of a baby. Unless you know how to do this, then no, you shouldnt be having her without supervision.

Rather than waiting for your ex to educate you, why don't you find parenting courses in your local area? She isn't preventing contact, so I think this is more about trusting you with the babys care.

If things are difficult between you, she is bound to be even more concerned by the thought of leaving the baby with you.

If you take the initiative, do a parenting course (I'd recommend infant and child first aid, too) and can prove to her that you are well equipped to look after the baby single handedly, maybe your ex will feel more secure and be open to other arrangements.

@ProcrastIWillFinishThisLater - your post has really annoyed me?
She could work full time if she truly wanted to as there are lots of babysitters on offer. My parents are retired for example! She wants to work 16 hours per week so it wont affect her benefits!

Also, ive chosen my dog over my baby WTF are you for real?! I merely stated that i need to get home from work to see the dog which isnt a problem and then went on to say on some occasions ive been home to the dog snd then nipped the XP mums to see the baby!!

May i also ask how can i give up hours at work? I work a 37 hour week! A dip in hours = less pay = not being able to lay my mortgage bills insurance etc. should i become homeless and work part time?!
Like i mentioned i lost my job a few months ago and now im on less money at my new job so things are tighter than ever.

I suggest you review your post and make some edits.

Not you again.

For crying out loud take the advice you got offered last time.

Take legal advice and get some advice from a professional service that supports separated parents.

Yes i did say in my OP that i own my own home. If were going to be picky i have a mortgage on my own home.

How do i take a dip in working hours when i struggle to make ends meet as it is?
As i mentioned i had to get a new job e months ago and im on less money.

My XP has chosen to work a 16 hour week as it wont affect her benefits then. She lives at her dads in a big house.

If i could afford to work a 4 day week believe me i would but the XP would still be unreasonable!

This is why you need mediation. Your child will not always be a 6 month old baby. Right now they are very small, very dependent and you have to accept you're limited in how long you can spend together. But in another 6 months they will be a little bigger, probably not b/f quite so much and your ex/gf might be quite glad to have some time to herself. By the time they are going to school, things are different again. So the access arrangements are going to evolve, it's a long game, and it's best to work together rather than dig heels in too much.

On the work front, try having a word with your employer about your schedule rather than working fewer hours. People respond to the personal touch and if you explain that you're trying to fit in being a father etc then they may be able to find some flexibility that doesn't affect your ability to earn a living.

I feel for you and think some of the comments you have had are really strange. There's no reason access should be supervised, and as for learning how to care for a baby, we all do that 'on the job' when we get our first baby. New parents don't all trot off for parenting classes to learn how to care for their newborn. It's unfair that you haven't been given the chance to learn this yet, but it's not rocket science, you'll pick it all up just the same as the rest of us. I'm sure if this was a new mother saying that the dad was resident parent but he was refusing her unsupervised access for no reason at all, and she was only allowed 3 hours a week, everyone would be in an uproar.

However, I think that some of the advice is good. She is playing a game. You have to play one back. I wouldn't go to a solicitor just yet, but start getting a bit firmer and clever with your approach. Her mum won't let you see baby there any more. Great! So now she has to bring baby to you or let you collect baby, otherwise she is preventing access and that won't go down well at all in court if it gets to that point. Start creating a paper trail of communications with her - emails. Email her with the information that her mother has stated you cannot go to her house in future to see the baby. State that you of course wish to continue seeing your daughter. Therefore you suggest that you collect your daughter at Xpm every Saturday and return her at Xpm. Keep her replies. Keep your emails. If she refuses, offer to have her accompany your daughter on the visit. If she refuses, then ask why she is refusing access.
I wouldn't suggest a contact centre at any point. There is an implication that supervised access/contact centres are needed when the parent is abusive/untrustworthy. If she suggests it, ask her for the reason why she feels this is necessary.
Build up a case, calmly, quietly, about her refusing reasonable access. Remember that the point of access is to benefit the child, not the parent. So in your emails you could mention that you believe it's beneficial for the child to have a good relationship with her father, that you are a good father and love your child and take good care of her.
In 6 months time, if you are still stuck, or still on only 3 hours a week, then go to court. I don't see you have any alternative at that point, and you'll have lots of evidence that she is obstructing her child's right to have a relationship with her father.

"she has issues that created a vicious circle"

Could you say more about what these 'issues' are? And, if she were here and we asked her to give a character run-down of you, what would be her reasons, do you think, for (effectively) wanting you out of her life and your DC's life?

Just out of interest Amantes, do you have children and if so, did you put yourself on a parenting course before you felt you could be trusted to look after your own baby without supervision.

The OP isn't a random bloke off of the street- he is the child's father. Unless there's a massive backstory there's absolutely no good reason whatsoever why he shouldn't be "allowed" to care for his own baby on his own.

There isnt a massive story.
No history of any sort of violence to her or to anyone. No drug or alcohol abuse nothing like that. Yes we have argued a lot but our relationship has ended its more or less to be expected.

I do need to stop being bitter and let go lf the relationship.

Theres some amazing advice on here. Ive just started work but ill be sure to check back on here afterwards to take it all in properly as i have only read briefly.

Just one point though to the people saying i should work less hours.
Where do you propose i live? As i wont be able to afford my mortgage and bills.
Do i go on benefits?
Also, if i work less the less money my daughter gets from me.

"Just one point though to the people saying i should work less hours."

Plenty of people can co-parent and work full-time. However, given that things are being made difficult for you and your work schedule reduces the available time you have to spend with your DD, you have to think outside the box. If you can, look at the schedule of your hours or consider a different job where the hours are more flexible. Some people opt to work nights, for example, so that they can be around for DCs during the day. Couples do this...

No you don't just give up a perfectly good job, go on benefits, plunge yourself into debt or anything else reckless. That would be stupid. But you have to think intelligently how to organise your life so that it's easier to accommodate a baby.

I think the advice to go on a parenting course is a bit patronizing, you will get to know your own child by having regular contact, something that you are trying to achieve.
Also, you are free to have the baby at weekends, again, suggestions that you should go into financial hardship and cut down your working hours to be more available for access is misguided, there is no guarantee that you would get to see baby more if you worked less, that's not even an issue right now. The issue is your ex restricting contact. Plenty of separated parents have an alternate weekend arrangement so this perhaps should be your aim and would be seen as achievable by courts etc.
I agree that you have to go along with things as they are for the moment, continue being reasonable and work towards a proper set up for access either via the courts or mediation or if willing, a proper meeting and calm discussion with your ex.
Best of luck OP.

@HanselandGretle - thank you.

@CogitoErgoSometimes - i did have a job that involved working 12 hour day and night shifts and i got a lot of time off around 2.5 weeks off a month which would of been perfect but i was made redundant. Jobs are hard to come by and im thankful i have the job i have.

To be honest. If she can work weekends, leave the child with other people over night she can leave the baby with its dad unsupervised.

You need legal advice! OP no matter how many times you post it it's not going to change. I mean when's she's 7 you're not going to be on MN asking us what to do.

Tbh your priority is your daughter, not her mother. Sit down with her and tell her her mother has told you you're not allowed contact at her house anymore.

• tell her you want contact at your house you can pick and drop them both off and give times.. It's not unsupervised despite not needing it to be. Contact is meant to be little and often at this age. If she says no suggest mediation to discuss the reasons why. If she says no go to court! if she can leave the baby to go to work or see her friends and over night visits she can leave her with you!

The parenting course is just crap, no mother goes one before they look after their own baby before they leave the hospital, you learn as you go like any parent.

I think the point is being missed.

OPs situation is incredibly unfair

The person who suggested a parenting course I don't think feels he needs one in order to be trusted, more that doing one gives him a few more feathers to his bow in playing clever with the ex.