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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just ended my marriage

84 replies

Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 21:11

We've been together 18 years, married for 12 with 11 yr old DS

It should of ended years ago, but i stayed for our son. No one in my family has ever got divorced.

He is in tears, said I have ripped our family apart.

I am in bits, I know it is the right thing to do, but I feel like the most horrible person ever. He wants to tell DS as soon a possible, but i want to wait until we have an idea of what will happen next.

OP posts:
Dowser · 30/12/2014 21:18

Bit hard to make any comment of any description as you've only given us the bare bones to go on.

It sounds like its been a tough decision . I'm sure you have your reasons.

Do you want to share them here?

Spinaroo · 30/12/2014 21:25

Sorry to hear this. It is a brave thing you have done if you know it is the right thing. You can probably understand though if your husband feels he can't live a lie. Did he not see this coming at all?

MagratsLongWhiteBeard · 30/12/2014 21:25

Well done sweetie, I've been there and its hard. Well done you. Keep in mind that there are good and valid reasons for your decision.

Be prepared for your ex to turn spiteful or nasty, it can happen. If your money is in joint accounts keep an eye on it or move it.

If it helps I told my DS that we had agreed to not live together anymore as we would be happier apart. They don't need to know the details.

I'm on the phone app so can't see your op anymore, if you are married then start thinking about seeing a solicitor for your divorce in the new year.

I haven't seen you on here for a bit, I hope your mum is alright Wine

It will be ok, it may not feel like it now but it will be. Have courage and know you have done the right thing. He may try to manipulate you but remember that his happiness is no longer your concern xx Brew Brew Brew

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 21:26

Hi Dowser,
We have struggled for years, we haven't had sex for over a year, we function as friends but there is no tenderness.
He has has terrible temper, which hasn't surfaced much recently but it's always there in the background.
We've been to Relate in the past but it was like putting a sticky plaster on.

I do feel so sad, he is my friend but i'm not in love with him anymore. I think I am showing my son that a marriage is like this, when I know it shouldn't be.

He isn't angry tonight he's so sad.
I am sad too

OP posts:
Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 21:30

He said I have knocked him for six & didn't see it coming. I think he must of in some way, I know I have been distant in last few weeks.

Thanks Magrat, Mum is doing really well. She was at hospital today, bloods are going back up & she is Leukaemia free!! They will do a bone marrow test in a few weeks & she'll officially be in remission. In a way, what has happened to Mum made me look at life differently, that we have one life & we must be happy.

OP posts:
arlagirl · 30/12/2014 21:31

So sorry. I did the same earlier this year. Divorce through in 7 weeks.
Its hard but if you are unhappy, you must move on.

Xmas2014Santa2014 · 30/12/2014 21:32

Aw well done
I wish you strength over the next few months

If you're 100% don't change your mind
I agree to tell your ds asap

Where will you all be living ?

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 21:37

It would be so easy now to stop his hurt & say we could work on it, but I know in my heart that wouldn't be right.

We will sell this house, split the equity & set up new lives. DH works shifts & is so upset that he won't see DH every day (I'm crying at the thought too), but I think we need to understand how it'll work before telling DS (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 30/12/2014 21:45

Hard bit done. I think it takes guts to do what you have done so well done you. So many women are in similar positions but just put up with it.

I split with my exh years ago and we now all get on very well with new partners etc.

One thing he did was phone our dc every day he didn't see them. He didn't miss a day. It helped both him and our child and it is something I would perhaps suggest.

If you are friends than you can work out an amicable arrangement.

The time you get to yourself when you don't have your son will is actually useful once you get used to it.

Good luck and well done !

MagratsLongWhiteBeard · 30/12/2014 21:45

Yes I think you're right. You should be able to explain what will change for him. So he will have 2 bedrooms and 2 front doors and he will see daddy at the weekend. But you both love him and that won't change.

MagratsLongWhiteBeard · 30/12/2014 21:47

Sorry posted too soon, I'm very glad to hear about your mum Smile

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 21:49

Thanks Sick. The hardest thing I have ever done. I turned 42 a couple of weeks ago & it made me assess my life, as did my Mum's cancer diagnosis this year.

I want us both to be happy. I feel no ill will towards him. He said he can't be friends with me, but will remain civil.

I guess I have dropped a bombshell on him Sad I'll see what tomorrow brings

OP posts:
Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 21:50

Thanks Magrat Smile

Sick - the phone calls are a good idea. Thanks. I need to reassure DH that he'll always have DS.

OP posts:
Spinaroo · 30/12/2014 21:51

I've seen you on other threads too northumberlandlass and wondered if recent events had precipitated this- see you have mentioned it and I think you are right- carve out the life you want.
Logistically, do you think you will be able to stay close to each other and be flexible re. Your ds being able to see his dad often.

I know what you mean about taking the easy route and saying you can try again. If you are clear this is the best thing for all- and you seem to- be strong and avoid being swayed or manipulated. Are you able yo discuss this with anyone in RL?

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 21:57

Hi Spin, yes RL support. Dreading telling my folks though Sad

I have thought abt what will happen next, we will both stay in this town, our families live here (my parents are childcare). If we can both set ourselves up in new places, i reckon he can see DS all the time, probably not everyday but I will do my best for it to be as often as possible.

OP posts:
Spinaroo · 30/12/2014 22:02

Sounds as if you are keenly aware of everyone's needs in this and have taken the brave initial step- thats the hardest part. Don't fret about telling your parents. They will probably be concerned for you but you sound strong but very considerate about all parties. Wishing you lots of luck and strength for the days ahead.

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 22:04

Thank you Spin x

OP posts:
Somethingtodo · 30/12/2014 22:22

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/workshops/4982-parents-apart-mid-surrey

This is a free workshop that relate offer on co-parenting after separation. It is in various locations. Might be something you could do together? If not, there are other online resources you could use to help you establish your new life.

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 22:28

Thank you Something, i was reading Relate stuff earlier tonight.
I've asked him if he'll come with me but he's said no.
I want to do this right, well as right as possible. But i can't make him

OP posts:
rockinrobintweet · 30/12/2014 22:39

Hi! The amount of strength portrayed in your messages is admirable! I think your DH will decline offers of Relate and speak unrationally until he is perhaps used to the idea of separation.. especially if he didn't see the spilt coming.

i agree that you shouldn't rush to tell your dc as they may have many questions that you will need to be ready for, and so time will help you achieve that.

i wish you well for the next few tough days and hope things improve x

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 30/12/2014 22:49

Thanks Rockin, feeling numb now & have a banging headache Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 31/12/2014 10:08

DH has left, so angry. Saying awful things. I'm going to have to tell DS today by myself.
I feel broken. I know this is the right thing to do in my heart.

Staying at my Dsis tonight

OP posts:
arlagirl · 31/12/2014 10:18

He says these things to hurt you. Because he hates you being strong.
Hope you had some sleep.
I told dcs on my own.....he refused yo be there and it didn't happen the way I'd planned it.

But you can xx

Original poster
Northumberlandlass · 31/12/2014 10:23

Thanks - he has gone on the drink, so I am staying away.
I'm going to my parents soon to tell them. He has an awful temper anyway & I know this is going to get worse

OP posts:
Spinaroo · 31/12/2014 10:30

And breathe!

He is undoubtedly hurting- Accept you will be the villain of the peace in his eyes just now but be strong in the knowledge you have done what is best for everyone in the long run.

It may actually be easier to speak to your son on his own. You get to control the message- for the moment anyway. Wishing you strength again today- but each difficult step is a step towards the life you want.