I've just ended my marriage

[Northumberlandlass]

We've been together 18 years, married for 12 with 11 yr old DS

It should of ended years ago, but i stayed for our son. No one in my family has ever got divorced.

He is in tears, said I have ripped our family apart.

I am in bits, I know it is the right thing to do, but I feel like the most horrible person ever. He wants to tell DS as soon a possible, but i want to wait until we have an idea of what will happen next.

Thanks Spin
I have told them I would like their support but I am not asking their permission.

They are just worried. I am. This is raw & there is so much to sort but it's too early to go into tiny details.

STBXH needs space (probably to drink) & I will make sure he sees DS until as often as I can until we have sorted stuff & got our own places etc

Worried about your Dad and his potential to incite/inflame your STBXH....which with STBXH form poses a risk to you and DS.

He clearly disapproves of your decision and has taken it upon himself to communicate with your STBXH without your blessing or in fact any info.

He sounds like a controlling and angry man.

Be very careful what info you share with your M & F.

I appreciate that Something.
I have been back to my parents & it was much better.

My Dad is a very similar character to my STBXH ...scary isn't it?!

Anyway, i feel utterly exhausted & hope I'll sleep tonight. Hoping STBXH Will keep his word & stay away,
DS wants to speak to him later

I'm feeling uneasy in the house. STBXH said he would stay at his Mam's tonight, but I know he's out drinking.
Everything so far has said he's being great for DS, so guessing I'm having to trust that.

I feel sick inside. I wish I had a time machine to take me to next NY day

Can you chubb lock the doors incase he comes home emotional and pissed?

Yes Something, i can 'dead lock' the door. Think i will, just for peace of mind. I'm hoping that since i stayed away last night, he'll do same tonight.

I'll feel better tomorrow & weekend when he's on night shift

Hi North. Hope you have a quiet night & he doesn't decide to pay you a visit.

I'm glad to hear you DS seems to be accepting it a little better. There will be good & bad days for both of you to come.

Stay strong

Hey Balders, how you doing?
DS & I are ok, think he is doing better than i am.
Feeling nervy. But tomorrow is another day. I do think of H & if he's ok...it's the problem with being a people pleaser!

I'm wobbling a bit tbh. I too am a people pleaser and we've just been to the IL's for a lovely dinner and it has made me question whether I can hurt all these lovely people.
He pissed me off yesterday & I was just about to give him the letter when my MIL text asking us to dinner & other than saying 'we can't as I'm just about to split up with your Son' I couldn't say no, so the letter had to wait.

God I'm so confused. Nothing has changed about the way I feel I just wonder if I am strong enough to hurt him & all the people I love

Oh Balders
I totally understand how you feel. I have been reading a lot in the last few days, one that stuck with me was "Your desire to change has to be greater than your desire to stay the same" or something like that!!

I hope you find the strength to create the life you want for yourself & your DC.
The last few days have been incredibly tough & i am sure there are worse to come, but i am sure it'll be worth it x

Thank you North. I desperately want things to change. The thought of how the atmosphere will be in the house when he is gone is exciting. Currently whenever I pick up my DC's from school their first question is always 'is Dad home?' So they can gauge how things will be in the house & how they need to be when we get in. I don't want them to have to worry about that anymore.

As soon as he pulls up in the car I shout 'Dads home' so they stop doing anything that may annoy him. We all tiptoe around him trying not to make him cross.

We have totally different parenting styles, unfortunately not something we discussed before we has out DD. He is just getting grumpier & less communicative as he gets older.

I am a chicken

Sounds very similar to my relationship!
I don't feel free or relaxed just yet...but i am sure it'll come.
I won't have to tip toe around or ask DS to calm down in case H gets cross.

I still actually can't believe i've done it.

I send you strength xx

it sounds like mid life crisis and you hope that the split with your H will resolve it...

What complete crap, worried

It doesn't sound like a midlife crisis AT ALL.

Worried - really? A midlife crisis. I am interested to how you got to that conclusion from my posts.

Thanks Alpha & Bimble

I ve just ended my marriage to a very similar angry man and if this is a midlife crisis then bring it on! Never felt such relief and certainty!

Hi Sus
Absolutely. For those in this situation 2015 will be life changing & tough at times but I hope we find peace & happiness.
Wishing you well

For what it's worth- my dad sounds similar to yours, he accepts it now but i wish they had helped More when I first went to them 6 years ago.

2015 is going to be a good year

I think my folks were so shocked because I have never spoken to them about this before.
I know they will support me. My dad really wants to make sure H knows they are still there for him too, but they don't know him like I do. He will never accept anything from them again.
I know H is angry & hurt at the moment, it's still v raw, but I hope in time we'll be able to be civil to each other

Balders - 'is Dad home?' - that has broken my heart....why are you worried about upsetting your PIL?

Put your children's happiness first - their childhood will soon be over and their only memories will be of a house tainted with a terrible atmosphere.

You have not hurt your PIL - their son has. They will know what he is like.

And in the long run they will want the best for their gc.

because you said you needed a change so maybe you need a change in a different way.

Good luck. I am sure it is a hard journey but the pain does end.

Thanks gf