I've just ended my marriage

[Northumberlandlass]

We've been together 18 years, married for 12 with 11 yr old DS

It should of ended years ago, but i stayed for our son. No one in my family has ever got divorced.

He is in tears, said I have ripped our family apart.

I am in bits, I know it is the right thing to do, but I feel like the most horrible person ever. He wants to tell DS as soon a possible, but i want to wait until we have an idea of what will happen next.

I lived with a terrible temper for 30 odd years so I know exactly where you are coming from.

These days I like my men mild and mellow...like an aged wine!

Just keep staying strong. This is the worst bit.

You will do it right -- but sadly it looks like you will be doing it right on your own and having to compensate or explain OH's inevitable volatile reaction and bad behavior to your ds. He might come round in time. Remember you have been inching to this conclusion for sometime he has been pushed in the deep end.

Keep calm and carry on. Do the relate stuff on your own - you do not need to reinvent the wheel here - there is a proven way to get through this in the best way possible.

Good luck - it will get better but might get worse first.

Thanks both.
I'm picking DS up in half an hour. I'm going to my parents to tell him
I've spoken to my mum & she was great & very supportive. My dad stood in silence & then announced i had broken everything that he holds dear

I've told DH that Arch will call him after i've told him. God knows what he'll say but he needs to speak to his dad.
I feel ill at the thought of telling DS. He's such a sensitive lad x

Definitely going to Relate, with or without him

North you are two steps ahead of me. I am planning on telling my H on Friday. I don't think he knows it is coming but I have warned him in the last few months that if he doesn't sort himself out then it will ruin the family and here we are! He will still be angry and hurt, which will make him nasty. I have no idea what he will do.

I am sending you loads of positive vibes for telling your DS. I have a sensitive lad as well but is may be the making of him. He will be able to live in a positive happy environment rather than under the cloud he is used to.

It is sad that your Dad wasn't more supportive, I think men find these things difficult anyway.

Let us know how it goes with DS and remember to keep safe.

Hi Balders.
That was the worst thing I have ever done. Poor poor DS
He cried, shouted, screamed, lashed out. Said he didn't want to live in a world where we were separated.

My parents were there & both had to leave the room because they were crying.

DS has since spoken to his dad, i wasn't allowed to listen. But DS said he sounded kind that broke my heart.

H has asked if he can have DS at home tonight & I stay at a mates. I've said yes, I need to show H that I am good at my word.

I wish you strength. I know this is the right thing to do, even though it is so tough right now.
X

Sorry for this. DH can see him when it is impossible to be together on Skype video call.

Oh North, that sounds awful. He is at a very sensitive time of his life and it must just seem too much for him at the moment.

It is so sad that these things need to happen but in the long term it will be better for everyone. He needs to see his Mum and Dad happy and although that may take a while you will get there.

I think my DC's will be pleased when I tell them, especially my DD. She has often said we would be so much happier without him. I don't think she will want to see him if/when he leaves.

It is sad because he does not see that there is anything wrong with his behaviour and so does not need help. And ultimately this why he will not change.

I am dreading having to tell his parents. I am really close to them, they are like my parents but they know what he is like. I think they will be sad he has f**ked it up. And to make matters worse we are waiting to hear if his Mum's cancer has come back. Her getting sick a couple of years ago was what stopped me making a break then. TBH I have had to stop myself thinking about the impact this decision will have on everyone else and for the first time in 14 year, think just about myself and the DC's.

I hope things calm down a bit for you North. Let us know how you get on. xx

Happy New Year Balders!
I left DS with H and he has emailed me a couple of times tonight. I've spent the night with friends.
A NY has started with tears. It won't end that way.

Have been summoned to my folks tomorrow to explain my actions

I want so desperately to hold my son. But i know H needs him tonight!

Your parents know and are unsupportive....but want you to go over there to explain yourself / tell you off / hope to change your mind?

I wouldnt entertain that at all.

It is up to them to come to terms with it and go through each phase of the emotional cycle to acceptance in their own time -- you do not need to be their whipping boy through-out the process.

You need to remain strong for you ds - you need all your efforts for this at this time - you do not need to waste a moment of your precious emotional resources on others.

Take care...........................

Thanks Something. It will be a short conversation.
My Mum is being supportive, my dad is apparently hurt & angry.
One of the reasons I am leaving is to get away from bullish behaviour.

I am hurt by my dads comments. I know he has contacted H. My dad has form. I feel like the disappointment from him as I did when I failed my GCSE's

Just caught this thread....,your parents have "summoned" you over there to explain yourself?! Who the fuck do they think they are? Dont stand for any nonsense bullying or emotional blackmail OP

Hey Helena. Yes, I know. It's my Dad, not my Mum.
I am going there for lunch anyway. I will go across to my folks. But will refuse to 'explain myself' !! X

Your Dad is probably worried about you coping on your own etc. I agree, no need to put up with crap, but a little understanding and reassurance that you are doing the right thing for you might help him accept it.

Thanks Bunch. I will talk to them, they said it was a shock today, that if I had talked to them in the first place etc etc
But, BUT....if I told them everything that had gone on over the years, they would have told me to leave years ago

I'm guessing his terrible temper hadnt surfaced much recently because you became very good at tip toeing around it and not "provoking" him - you adapted your behaviour in order to manage his. That's what I did for over 20 yrs.

I Don't have to do that anymore and it's wonderful

First of all, I'd like to wish you, DS and your parents a very Happy and Healthy New Year!

I've lurked on your threads over the past few months North, and am absolutely thrilled to hear the news about your Mum

Like you said, you've had a good few months to really think about what's important in life. It's going to be hard, but you know it'll be worth it.

Wishing you strength and happiness. Good luck with everything.

When relationships break down, to the outside world it's usually the first admission that something is relationship ending bad in the relationship. No one sees the years of unhappiness and the fruitless attempts at 'fixing' it, they're playing catch-up. Their initial shock is understandable but your marriage isn't public property and their oppinions are exactly that, theirs, they don't have a say.

You need to see a solicitor ASAP (forwarned is forearmed), I am concerned how far your STBEXH will push it, while he's holding the 'wronged' party torch.

Look after yourself and remember the long term benefits of your decision, will far outweigh the short term chaos.

Thank you

I've come home this morning & Ds had a nice night with his STBXH (weird typing that) he has said he's going to his Mam's tonight & will then move in with his brother (woman hating arsehole), but at least it means DS has somewhere to go.

Lots of questions, haven't talked about money. We don't have any savings, we pay the same amount into a joint acc every month for all house hold expenses. Then we have own spending money.

I've just spoken to my mum & she is really upset. I'm now upset.
They never saw the volatile temper, the walking on egg shells & I know how to handle him, i know he needs space now.

Feeling bleak right now, i know this will be worth it. I am not responsible for STBXH & his actions, i don't have to manage his moods anymore

Please make sure you and your son are safe. Could you stay with your parents until you know he has calmed down, you,say he has a terrible temper and is very angry with you for making your decision, even though it is the right one for you, I do worry for your safety, take care.

Thanks Hobbit.
I have lots of places in RL to escape to if needed. I think he has proven himself last night that he will be good to DS, which was a massive relief if I'm honest.

I'm not feeling 100% safe tbh. He has never been physically violent. But he is explosive, I was thinking last night that every family holiday we've had has at least one day of his 'temper' days when I've had to take DS away from him. The look of hate in his eyes is awful.

Anyway, i need a plan as soon as possible. I want to give him his freedom & I'm damn certain I want mine.

You have done the right thing north, my parents stayed together for a long time in an unhappy marriage, when they eventually split my siblings and I where angry and hurt.

It took time but we realised in the long run it was the right thing for them to do we had happier parents and a happier life as a result.

You sound like you are handling things really well. Stay strong and don't let anyone grind you down.

DS has just said "no offence Mum, but I'm kind of over it. It's in the past"

Kids eh?

I've spoken to my Mum & I'm going up soon. I told her I will not explain my actions. I could tell them some of the things DS has said about his dad over the years.....

Thank you for the reassurance that this is the right thing. I know in my heart it is x

North, you have no need to 'explain' yourself but perhaps your dad is just looking for an answer as he can't compute it. Marriages can break down for a thousand reasons - many if which may sound unreasonable to another person- but that doesn't mean it's not valid to you.