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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single parent and new boyfriend has issues with my exes family!

83 replies

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 06:27

I'm a single parent who has been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We don't live together and we both agreed to take things very slowly and it's only been more recently that he has been spending time with my daughter and interactions have been positive on both sides! my ex who is my daughters father is involved regulary in my daughters life and we are civil , I get on very well with my exes family and I welcome any interest and support I get from them. I also get invited to the odd social gathering at special times of the year , Easter , Christmas! My issue is that I went along to one recently over Christmas and told my boyfriend about it and he got really annoyed and upset. My boyfriend asked me why I would want to spend time with my exes family especially since my ex treated me so badly which he did, I explained to my boyfriend that my ex was not present and that they know all about the way my ex treated me but they are not like him and have been nothing but supportive to me and my daughter! We ended up arguing and I told him that these social gathering were only now and again and in future maybe I could introduce him and he could come along sometime if it would make him feel better but if he could not accept the overall situation that maybe this is not the relationship for him , he then said he was not ok with it and could not just go along with it and ideally he does not want me socialising with my exes family in future !!! Am I in the wrong here? Or should I comply and be more sensitive to my boyfriends feelings on the matter? my boyfriend overall is a good guy but it feels like he is giving me an ultimatum! advice would be really appreciated thanks!

OP posts:

DharmaBumpkin · 30/12/2014 06:30

That would be a big red flag waving for me... You are not in the wrong, he is.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2014 06:38

He'd be gone if it were me.

This is your daughters family, it's great for her that you get on and that she has other people in her life that love her and support her, and you, should you need it.

No one should be trying to stop that. No one.

You have offered him (an unnecessary) compromise, but he doesn't want to be included, he wants to isolate you from them... Your friends and family next...

Ultimatum? Do fuck off. DD's family or some 'new bloke' trying to lay down the law? No contest!

If you don't get rid if him now, this will escalate and you'll wish you'd done it sooner before you and your DD got too attached to him.

Sunna · 30/12/2014 06:54

Get rid. He's already trying to control you.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 06:54

Did he know about the visit/that you go to these things and are close yo your ex's family in advance?

It's easy for everyone to jump on the "he's controlling" and "ltb" bandwagon, but I'd imagine this sort of thing could make someone feel quite insecure if they don't have children and just don't understand.

If he didn't find out until afterwards, I can see why it might feel like a threat to him. And open communication could probably go some way to resolving this. If however, you told him in advance and it was all transparent, he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

LineRunner · 30/12/2014 06:55

I think this shows his immaturity and neediness, and you and your daughter really don't need this in your lives.

As least you found this out whilst you are still at the 'getting to know each other' stage. I would call it a day.

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 06:58

I appreciate what you both are saying , I think I need to add something to my post , my boyfriend has said he understands I need to maintain pleasant contact with them for the sake of my daughter but he doesn't feel comfortable with me spending quality time with my exes family and socialising with them , he has not said that I have to cut off all communication with them sorry I probably should of added this part into my post! I can see what you are saying and at first I did think is he attempting to isolate me from them!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 30/12/2014 07:00

Why do you think he's making it all about him?

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 07:02

Just to clarify, I am fairly amicable with my ex. We have spent every Christmas day together since separating and also do the children's birthdays together. He didn't treat me well but we make an effort for the children. I always make it clear to any man that I meet that we do this. They always ask if there is a chance of us getting back together.

As much as him objecting looks like a red flag to us, that continuing relationship could look like a potential red flag to him.

Isetan · 30/12/2014 07:02

His insecurities are his problem. Why should you or your daughter miss out on important relationships to accommodate some man you've known for 365 days?

If you complied with this unreasonable request, it wouldn't be long before there were other things that you did or didn't do that he would object to and since you would've shown your prepared to give into unreasonable demands, god only knows what would come next.

This is not only a stick to your gun moment, it's a relationship review moment too.

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 07:04

folk girl: my boyfriend did not know in advance I sprung it on him after the event , I then began to explain to him how close I was with my exes family and that I have been to previous social gatherings with them , It's not that I was hiding anything from him , I guess I just didn't think it would be an issue that would be causing arguments between us!

OP posts:

Surreyblah · 30/12/2014 07:05

He is still being unreasonable. Not "socialising" would affect your relationship with them and affect DD too.

You can spend time with whoever you like! Even if it was your actual ex!

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 07:12

In that case, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one occasion. It probably felt like a bit of a shock to the system and he's reacted emotionally to something that potentially upsets the applecart for him. He's trying to work out what it means for you and him.

I'd let the dust settle and broach the subject again. If he's still angry, then I'd be having second thoughts, but if he will talk about it all may not be lost.

Tbh, if I found out that my bf had this type of relationship with his ex's family only after a year of dating and one such event, I'd probably wonder why it had been kept from me too. And probably feel a bit shocked, tbh.

I can see why you didn't think to tell him, but we can't attribute all human emotional responses to someone being abusive.

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 07:17

Folk girl: One of the first questions my boyfriend asked me when we got together is would you ever get back with your ex , I reassured him no chance ! He also knows my ex is living with his partner so I don't think this is about my ex! I think its nice if you can be amicable with your ex and have arrangements in place for your children that work! I'm really glad that my exes family are on board to ! My boyfriend is fine with me having a child with someone else but he cannot accept my close relationship with my exes family it just does not make sense to me!

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 07:19

I read plenty of posts on here where a woman is told her new bf/partner spends time with the ex. Yes people say it's important for the children, but there's always the worry of 'unfinished business'.

Yes the op can socalise/maintain relationships with whoever she likes, but the bf might have chosen not to pursue a relationship with someone who was still that close to ex' s family. And that would have been his choice too.

I recently chose not to date someone because of the very close relationship he has with an ex gf and her family. I would have been hurt to have only found out about it after a year of dating.

Isetan · 30/12/2014 07:21

Again, why does his comfort trump the way you and your ex's family conduct your relationship. Rather than identifying and working on his insecurities, he's decided to take the path of least resistance making it your responsibility.

I think its time you identified your boundaries because it's scary how easy it is for someone to trample over them if we don't know where they are.

Surreyblah · 30/12/2014 07:22

That's because it doesn't make sense OP, he needs to get his head round this. Don't change the current arrangements with you daughter 's family and if he continues to make a fuss every time you see them think again about the relationship.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 07:26

I'm not suggesting you are doing anything wrong at all. I think your situation sounds ideal!

I'm just trying to see it from his perspective. This is new info for him and probably something he hadn't considered. I'd hope that after his initial reaction, he'd calm down about it.

I just think it doesn't have to necessarily be a ltb situation, unless that's what you want it to be. :)

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 07:29

I don't think you should change your arrangements at all. I just think a little understanding of his feelings wouldn't go amis. And he should be given chance to retract his request before being dumped.

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 07:39

Our last conversation was my boyfriend saying ideally I don't want you socialising in future with your exes family! So He's asking me to stop going to them completely , He's more than happy for my daughter going to them just not me ! Do I reassure him that he will be fully informed in future but tell him well this is the way it is you either accept it ? Or should I give up on me going to future gatherings and just maintain communication over the phone with my exes family? That would upset me! So far no one thinks I am the one being unreasonable for socialising with my exes family only my boyfriend !!! I am starting to see some clarity but it is hard when you have feelings for someone and other than this issue we have not had any other problems!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 30/12/2014 07:46

If it really is a 'dealbreaker' for him, then it's up to you whether you accept it or not.

Either of you can walk away from this relatively new relationship knowing that you were honest with each other but incompatible.

Personally I think if he sticks to his guns on this then he is not right for you.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 07:50

Ok. No, I don't think you should change your plans. I think anyone can have an unreasonable initial response to something that shocks them, but then they need to get over it.

On another note, though, he might have reacted differently had he known from the start that this relationship existed. At least then you'd both have known sooner that it was a problem for him.

I'd probably just say that, in future, I'd set this out from the start. I do think this is an issue for him because of the way he found out rather than because of the situation itself. He feels that the goalposts have shifted and that the situation he thought he understood doesn't exist as he thought it did.

I still think it probably looks like a redflag to him.

MirandaWest · 30/12/2014 07:56

As you've been with him for a year, have there been other events you've gone to with your ex's family? I can see that finding out about it after a year would be a bit unsettling for him. Although him saying you can't socialise with them is not up to him IMO.

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2014 08:19

I think if my do was socialising with their exes family it would be a red flag to me. For the DC to go I would understand as they are family but being an ex they are not family any more.

I would stay calm and explain that this was an issue for me then see what they choose to do. If they then thought it was odd it would be clear to me that we had different views and possibly this wasn't the relationship for me.

Sad as it maybe not everyone has the same views and there is no right or wrong in every situation

ptumbi · 30/12/2014 08:19

Does he ever stop you from going out with your friends - without him? Do you ever feel that you can't do something, in case he gets annoyed? Has he ever thrown a strop if you do something without him?

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 08:32

Mirandawest: yes I went to my exes dads 60th meal , my ex was present with his partner! That was a good few months ago! I had not been dating my boyfriend very long , so did not feel comfortable inviting him along so I didn't , I don't even think I mentioned anything about it to him at the time! I understand now that my boyfriend was most probably shocked and maybe I should of informed him from the very begining that I was close with them but I guess I just thought he'd understand , everything so far in the relationship has been on my terms when I'm ready / when I feel it's the right time to introduce my daughter and hes happily went along with it! To me a year long relationship isn't very long so I've tried to do my best to take things slowly , I know that I would like everyone to get along and say for example a birthday party was arranged for my daughter and everyone was there including my exes family , my boyfriend would have to accept that so I've got some talking to do!

OP posts:

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