Single parent and new boyfriend has issues with my exes family!

[Kate222yellow]

I'm a single parent who has been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We don't live together and we both agreed to take things very slowly and it's only been more recently that he has been spending time with my daughter and interactions have been positive on both sides! my ex who is my daughters father is involved regulary in my daughters life and we are civil , I get on very well with my exes family and I welcome any interest and support I get from them. I also get invited to the odd social gathering at special times of the year , Easter , Christmas! My issue is that I went along to one recently over Christmas and told my boyfriend about it and he got really annoyed and upset. My boyfriend asked me why I would want to spend time with my exes family especially since my ex treated me so badly which he did, I explained to my boyfriend that my ex was not present and that they know all about the way my ex treated me but they are not like him and have been nothing but supportive to me and my daughter! We ended up arguing and I told him that these social gathering were only now and again and in future maybe I could introduce him and he could come along sometime if it would make him feel better but if he could not accept the overall situation that maybe this is not the relationship for him , he then said he was not ok with it and could not just go along with it and ideally he does not want me socialising with my exes family in future !!! Am I in the wrong here? Or should I comply and be more sensitive to my boyfriends feelings on the matter? my boyfriend overall is a good guy but it feels like he is giving me an ultimatum! advice would be really appreciated thanks!

I agree that perhaps it wasn't as out in the open as it should have been but it is now and his reaction is that she can no longer do it! That is the bit I don't like. Smacks of control and if she complies with this request where does it end?

I had an ex who said he didn't want me going into my exh house on handovers etc....I'm sorry but I'm not having that off anyone. You either trust someone or you don't!

Basically it all boils down to this:

Our last conversation was my boyfriend saying ideally I don't want you socialising in future with your exes family! So He's asking me to stop going to them completely , He's more than happy for my daughter going to them just not me

The response? It should be this:

as soon as the ultimatum was issued he overstepped the line.

Your daughter is your priority. What is best for her comes first. This arrangement with your ex's family is best for her. Therefore, as you've been doing it for awhile and it works for you, you should continue it as long as YOU and your DD and your EX'S FAMILY are happy with it.

Your boyfriend, however, needs to understand that this is the way it is. Your ex is with someone else, you've made it plain that you are not interested in getting with your ex (and that generally your ex is not even there anyway) and he either needs to trust you or walk on.

Do NOT pander to him on this. Your DD comes first. If you give way on this one, what will he become insecure about next and demand?

Folk girl: yes I only told my boyfriend about the social gatherings with the exes family after a year of being together! I've only been to one before while I was with him and like I said we were together a matter of weeks , I felt we weren't together long enough for me to warrant an invite or to explain more personal things about my life to him on that occasion! So I guess I've just not said anything until this next social gathering arose! Realising how upset he was and still is has took me by surprise especially when I had explained things to him and tried to rectify the situation!

I agree with Alice. It's completely normal for a parent to remain in contact with their child's grandparents irrespective of their gender.

This bf is obviously insecure and is putting his own feelings before that of the OP's child. Why should the child have to go to family gatherings without her mother simply because Johnny Come Lately is rather immature?

The whole thing's absurd and does not bode well for other aspects of the relationship.

I agree that, ideally, the bf should trust in this situation. But he is being asked to trust someone who has not been open/honest with him so far. He does appear to have overreacted, but he needs chance to get used to the new normal and decide whether it's right for him.

The ultimatum was wrong but he probably feels conflicted himself. He probably doesn't want to end things over this one small lie/omission. But a lie/omission there was.

That's why it's better to be open at the start. If he'd issued an ultimatum after a dew dates, the op wouldn't be asking the question.

Although ultimatum probably wouldn't have been issued if the situation had been explained after a few dates... and therein lies the problem.

On my part I put my hands up and On hind site I should of said something at the beginning of the relationship then maybe I would not be in this mess! But I done what I thought was right at the time! I do now understand my boyfriend had a right to feel the way he did and perhaps it would seem I have concealed information from him but I honestly did not have that intention!

It's really not any of his business that you keep in contact with your ex's family. But on the other hand some people would find this closeness to an ex's family not acceptable. I don't think I'd like it very much.

Just to reiterate, the relationship between you and ex's family is fine, op. And the ideal. But in future I'd be open about it with new bfs just for clarity.

I'm civil with my exh's family, and he and I get on ok, but I don't go to family events because they're no longer my family and I wouldn't want to.

When we first separated, my exmil and I were still close and she came round for dinner etc. I told my new bf about it at tge beginning and he was fine about it. And he could be the jealous type.

With this type of situation it's about how you handle it rather than the situation itself.

I suppose, when I think of my own situation and conversations with a new bf, I can't imagine how it wouldn't come up. But I'm fairly open about my situation/circumstances/life.

The OP hasn't lied, she didn't mention one gathering when they hadn't been together long enough for it to be an issue, and she mentioned the other one when it arose. The subject didn't come up before because she doesn't socialise with them frequently.

Clearly she didn't know it was going to be such an enormous issue for him and it shouldn't be if he wasn't so immature.

OP don't let the insecurities of posters here let you think that your bf's reaction is normal or acceptable, it's not. You've done nothing wrong, he's the one at fault here and to be honest his reaction would have me questioning his maturity and suitability as a partner.

Kate222yellow you mentioned that the ex's family are your support network which suggests that you do see them more than just these social occasions and that your boyfriend does know that which does suggest that there is more to this than just seeing the family, do you have nights out with friends at all and if you do how does your boyfriend react to that?

The OP is not spending every weekend with the ex's family. She went to a 60th a short while after she started dating the new bf, and she recently went to a family Christmas event - I would run very fast from anyone who tried to control my contact with my ex's family because they are my dcs family and a hugely important part of their lives. The dc and I went to ex-pils for lunch on Boxing Day - we all miss the big family lunch on Xmas day and the dc adore their grandmother. My ex MIL has met her ex SILs new partner and gets on well with her, meaning there are no issues around visiting those grandchildren etc. One of that new partners good friends is her own ex SIL.

Families are more complex now and most sane and sensible people accept that you don't end perfectly good friendships with in laws when a marriage ends - in fact you can discover that you really like the people for themselves and not just because they were related to your partner. I still see my ex BIL, ex SIL, their new partners AND their ex spouses and their new partners.

My own exH sees a lot less of any of his family because his new dw (the OW) is not happy with him having any other close relationships. I would rather be single and choose my own friends .

But now that everything is out in the open and everything's been explained , he is still standing by what he has said no more social gatherings with the exes family! This is my first relationship after splitting from my ex and meeting somebody new whilst being a single parent so I'm really new to this and It is a learning curve! I just want to know
Am I being fair to him? Should I expect him to just accept things ? And eventually intergrate himself into my exes family? Because that's is the way things are at present and it works for everyone else ! I just want to look at things from every angel and to know if I am being unreasonable in any way , so I can make a decesion! I really appreciate everyone's feedback thanks!

Sorry confusing of son-in-laws (SIL) and sister in laws (SIL) there! Use the one that makes sense!!

I agree with Alice. Whilst the bit about not telling him is an issue, you have apologised for it.

If he genuinely means that you cannot socialise with your daughter's extended family then that's him in the wrong. Your daughter is the priority and this is good for her.

I understand op that you didnt tell him at the first gathering, it hadnt been long and it might not have lasted. Second time, you did tell him because you are ready to invite him.

Theres obviously a lot of insecure people tell you, you were wrong, you werent wrong.

I'm still close to my exes family, I get on well with my ex, no one will tell me I cant see them, because to me they are still family, they see me as family.

And considering, they are the only thing you have to a family that's local to you, then I'd tell your bf that you will not stop seeing them, if he doesnt like it, then he aint the man for you.

The OP was very clear that he has a problem with her socialising with her ex's family. There's been no indication that he is upset over her not telling him. He is upset because she is socialising with them. IMO he would have been upset over it if she had told him right away as well. That screams "insecurity" to me.

What kind of a numpty dates a woman with a child and is surprised that she may have contact with the child's grandparents on the ex's side? LOADS of families do.

Sounds like a deal breaker to me . He is dictating your friendships and that's a red flag. I can understand that it's making him insecure but you cannot risk this at your daughter's expense and the loss of your own support network

I don't have insecurities in this area. I just don't see how it didn't come up.

"Do you get on with your ex?"
"Not really. He was a dick, but I still get on with his family?"
"Really? That's good. Do you see much of them?"
"Well I'm going to his dad's 60th bday party next weekend. So no, no not much. But we do get together for big events"
"it's good you can still do that"
"Yeah. Better than the alternative! "

Surely that's just a really basic conversation. Not divulging loads of personal info.

I suppose it's just that I make my circs very clear from the outset to avoid any issues down the line. I wouldn't respond well to ultimatums, but I'd feel it was respectful to be open about my situation too.

Tell him that you gosling a few times a year for your daughters sake and no other reason. Tell him you are setting positive examples of relationships with all the people who are important to your child, not you, your child. They will always be her family and until she is old enough to maintain those relationships herself you will be doing it for her.

Tell him you have no way around it without it potentially affecting teir relationship with your dd and you aren't prepared to risk that.

Say this is my final explanation. Can you accept this and we will move past it. If he can't accept it, he needs to say so now and things will come to an abrupt end.

I don't thnk he is being fair - he sounds insecure and insecure men are often controlling. If he isolates you from them, and you become worried about sending a birthday card to your child's grandmother (for example) in case it upsets him then everyone on here will telling you to LTB.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand - these people are your child's family, they will always be in her life. There will be birthday parties, graduations, weddings, funerals. Not only is it difficult not to see them you WANT to see them, they are your friends and you like them. They are part of the package deal of who you are as a family, you and your daughter, whoever comes into your life has to get used to that.

Bottom line is:

I think you mde an error of judgement in not telling him

I think he is wrong for issuing an ultimatum.

Sounds like you've both found a (potential) dealbreaker. Maybe just be upfront from the start and of they don't like it, at least you'll both know from the start.

Onwards amd upwards.

Carntbebotheredthinking: yes I do see my exes family as a support network mainly because I have no family up here where I live! By support I meaning , If I had any problems or issues I could ring them to talk to them and they would try and help out , I don't see them on a regular basis!

I don't think you've handled it badly OP.

You told him when it came up, not inappropriately early in the relationship.

I also feel uneasy about him thinking his place is to tell you who you can and can't see. Why should he care? What exactly is he objecting to? Whatever his objection, he does not have the right to tell you who to see.

I think one more stab at clearing the air/reassuring him. After that lyb if he can't accept it.

I have learnt a lesson from this! Thank you everyone again and I'm hoping for a positive outcome from this , Il update later!