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Relationships

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Original poster

Single parent and new boyfriend has issues with my exes family!

83 replies

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 06:27

I'm a single parent who has been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We don't live together and we both agreed to take things very slowly and it's only been more recently that he has been spending time with my daughter and interactions have been positive on both sides! my ex who is my daughters father is involved regulary in my daughters life and we are civil , I get on very well with my exes family and I welcome any interest and support I get from them. I also get invited to the odd social gathering at special times of the year , Easter , Christmas! My issue is that I went along to one recently over Christmas and told my boyfriend about it and he got really annoyed and upset. My boyfriend asked me why I would want to spend time with my exes family especially since my ex treated me so badly which he did, I explained to my boyfriend that my ex was not present and that they know all about the way my ex treated me but they are not like him and have been nothing but supportive to me and my daughter! We ended up arguing and I told him that these social gathering were only now and again and in future maybe I could introduce him and he could come along sometime if it would make him feel better but if he could not accept the overall situation that maybe this is not the relationship for him , he then said he was not ok with it and could not just go along with it and ideally he does not want me socialising with my exes family in future !!! Am I in the wrong here? Or should I comply and be more sensitive to my boyfriends feelings on the matter? my boyfriend overall is a good guy but it feels like he is giving me an ultimatum! advice would be really appreciated thanks!

OP posts:

WannaBe · 30/12/2014 08:46

I would see someone not mentioning that they were socialising with an ex and their family as a red flag.

Imagine the post on here: "have been seeing a lovely guy for a year, have just found out that he has been going to social events with his ex and her family but withheld it from me."

There's nothing wrong with being on good terms with an ex or their family, but relationships are supposed to be built on honesty, so to not say anything contradicts that.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 08:50

Well I think tjat, of everything so far has been on your terms, his feelings have probably been sidelined. Tbh, I think you owe him a bit of an apology and an open conversation.

I know a year isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, but I would have expected you to have said something before now.

Rebecca2014 · 30/12/2014 08:54

To be honest I wouldn't be happy with it either if I was seeing a man who still saw his ex family like you do.

You are not part of his family anymore, your daughter is but not you. You went to your ex dad meal, yes it is all nice your so friendly but your new boyfriend properly feels where is his role in all of this?

ptumbi · 30/12/2014 09:02

Op, I get on well with my exs family ;i spent xmas day with him, his new gf, ex MIL and my DC. I take mil shopping. Ex and I take the DC out together on treats fro their birthdays.
My dp understands this, that my DC have another family that I need to keep in contact with. He has never told me I can't see ex,or his family.
If you didn't have children, it would be different

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 09:18

I did apologise for springing it on him, He did know I had a relationship with them and we got along he just didn't know we were that close! It's not regular social gatherings just now and again and I have only been to one previously with them since being with my boyfriend and me and my boyfriend had only been dating a matter of weeks so I didn't mention it to him at that time ! I informed him about the next gathering this one mentioned in the post and he reacted the way he did ! I should of told him from day 1 but I didn't think of it as a problem getting along with my exes family when I have a child with their son! I realise from his point of view it is an issue , I have tried to reassure him and rectify the situation by offering to introduce him to them and even take him along to but he's not ok with that! I tried to do what I though was best at that time !

OP posts:

Blu · 30/12/2014 09:19

I think maintaining a positive relationship with your DS's family is an excellent thing, and better for her than handing her over for an access visit to her GPS and aunts etc,

The best outcome would be that your bf also become an accepted part of the scene. Do your exILs know about him?

In what way is it a 'red flag' if someone stays part of a wider family group of which their child is a member? In what way is that a threat to or betrayal to a new partner unless it is about jealousy and territory? I can see new partners might have a bit if a question about it but if there is no agenda of unfinished business then it is the new partner that needs to come to terms with what is essentially their problem.

'No longer part if their family'! What is this? Tribal loyalty and a woman has to be the property / member of one tribe or the other ? Families are more complex and more sophisticated in this century and you sound as if you are doing a good job, OP.

I would stay with a man who was open and communicative about any discomfort he feels, and would talk it through, offer to introduce him etc, and presumably if you have a birthday tea, for example, for your dd, you will invite her grandparents? But if he tried to make me dismantle a social network that works well for my dd, or interfere with that in any way, I would not be having it.

Good luck, I hope he calms down.

FantasticButtocks · 30/12/2014 09:21

he cannot accept my close relationship with ..... He needs to grow up. Who you choose to see and spend time with is your business. If there are things about you and your choices he can't accept, then what is he going to do? He really needs to be able to respect your choices and decisions without thinking he is in a position to start telling you who you can and can't see.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 09:25

I think this might be a lesson learnt for the future, then. Tbh, I would have told him that first time it happened.

I don't think it's the relationship, as such, that's the issue. Like you say, it doesn't happen often. But you weren't honest and open with him and that's a dealbreaker for most people.

There must have been a fair bit of lying by omission or just poor communication generally to get to a year long relationship without the fact you socialise with them for important events being mentioned.

I would get that out there pretty early on to make sure it was all out in the opwn. And I would expect the same in return.

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 09:32

Thank you everyone for your comments!

OP posts:

WannaBe · 30/12/2014 09:36

Agree with folkgirl that it's not the relationship but the omission that is the issue.

If I found out that my dp was socialising with his ex's family but hadn't told me I would wonder what else he wasn't telling me.

And agree with blu that this idea that because you're no longer with someone their family are no longer your family is ridiculous.

springalong · 30/12/2014 09:39

I think its lovely that you have such a good relationship with them - although that may change over time (eg you might move away, have more children) it would be such a pity to artificially change it now.

Does your ex see/socialise with your family in the same way?

Starlightbright1 · 30/12/2014 09:40

I would personally let this sink in.

Does he have an issue with your friends or just eX's? family.

is there anything else he is unhappy with you doing or is it just this?

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 09:42

If I found out that my dp was socialising with his ex's family but hadn't told me I would wonder what else he wasn't telling me.

Yes. I would also wonder why it had been kept from me if it was all innocent. It's a pretty significant part of your life to keep hidden.

Fwiw, I'm open about my ex and me being amicable because of the positives it suggests: e.g. no ex issues; emotional maturity.

I'm not sure why it wouldn't come up if you didn't think itvwas a big deal

Sickoffrozen · 30/12/2014 09:52

I wouldn't have anyone telling me what I can and can't do let alone a boyfriend of a year.

magoria · 30/12/2014 09:54

Well he may have feel like you sprung this on him however you have now told him that there are family gatherings a few times a year. So he now knows that you will be seeing your DDs family several times.

So it is all in the open.

I think it is healthy and mature to be able to maintain good relationships with ex families. It is certainly better for the children. These people have been in your life before you even met the bf, they have been supportive and they are your DDs family.

I would let him know when the next invite comes in but I would not accept any ultimatum not to go.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 09:56

Well hopefully you wouldn't hide something this important from them either. Then if it were an issue for them, they could end it before getting emotionally involved when they probably have conflicting feelings themselves now.

I do find the 'man is always in the wrong' stance of some on MN rather tiresome.

mix56 · 30/12/2014 09:56

The Grandparents remain Grandparents, they are also people who have supported you, they are friends, Sadly BF is feeling insecure, he is going to have to grow up. To me his ultimatum is unjustified. You have every right to choose to see them, just reassure him of the reasons why. You mustn't feel manipulated by this, if you are then best to end relationship now, Sorry, just my spin on it.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 30/12/2014 09:57

I don't think the omission is an issue. As you said, at the previous occasion you hadn't been dating that long, at this occasion, you did tell him.

You do this for your daughter. He can either deal with it gracefully or do one IMO. Your daughter is a lifetime commitment and your ex's family is going to be there her entire life. Your boyfriend has no right to tell you not to socialise with them.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 09:57

That last reply was for sickoffrozen:)

Original poster

Kate222yellow · 30/12/2014 10:00

Blu: yes my ex and his parents are aware of my boyfriend! I recently introduced my ex to my boyfriend , I remain civil with my ex and get along really well with my exes partner and her child So it does make things more difficult! There is definitely no unfinished business between me and my ex , we want only want what's best for our daughter! I don't have any family up here so in a way my exes family are my only network of support! I would be extremely sad if that was to end , I know from the outside it might look like I'm trying to play happy family's but we all get on and I would like my boyfriend to be part of that!

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 10:01

No one's suggesting the op is wrong for maintaining these relationships but I don't believe for a second that all these posters saying the bf is in the wrong would be happy to discover after a year long relationship that their new bf/gf was socialising with ex's family and that they only discovered after the fact.

Sickoffrozen · 30/12/2014 10:01

There is also a lot of projecting on here too folkgirl. Seems to me by people who are perhaps the jealous types themselves.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 10:03

You say you want him to be part of it, but only told him after the fact after being together for more than a year.

Actions speaking louder than words?

CantBeBotheredThinking · 30/12/2014 10:07

The boyfriend can be as unhappy as he likes about the situation but his choice is to accept it or walk away the issue here is the issuing of an ultimatum that will ultimately make it much harder for a little girl to keep contact with her wider family. No one, no matter what the circumstances has the right to tell someone who they can or can't be friends with.

As much as we can sympathise with the boyfriend as soon as the ultimatum was issued he overstepped the line.

FolkGirl · 30/12/2014 10:10

I don't know. I wouldn't have an issue with the relationship. But I would wonder why this was the first I was hearing of it. And I would feel like it had been kept from me if I were only finding out after a year.

Surely it would have come out in the initial conversations about the ex, the breakdown of the relationship, the "do you want to get back together?" /"how do you get on now?" conversations.

He maybe the jealous type. But surely it would have been preferable for all concerned for that to come out at the start? Otherwise it's just letting someone into your life.

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