Did you drift apart from your friends?

[loafofbread]

I'm a first time mum to a 5month old and today met up with my friend of many years for Christmas. She's in a long-term relationship with a woman and has no children with no desire to have any.

Before I fell pregnant I'd probably travel the 50 mile journey to visit her where she lives in the valleys once a month or so. We'd go for a meal in the village, have drinks and I'd stay over.

Since DD came along, DH and I have met up with them on several occasions, but I just find them so unaccommodating of our child. They regularly choose venues which arent baby friendly and I guess they're so used to me singing their tune, they get irritable with me when I say no to their choice of venues.

They were in our town over Christmas so we asked if they could pop over to our house to swap gifts etc but they said they were too busy and asked us to go to them the following day instead (today).

On our journey, we hit really thick fog over the steep hills and I got anxious at having DD in the car so we turned back. After our first ever argument over the phone about us turning round, my friend agreed to.meet us half way. She arrived with the most thoughtful, beautiful gifts for the 3 of us but I couldn't help but just feel sad and awkward the whole time after our argument.

We really have nothing in common anymore and have drifted apart. She made so much effort with our gifts but just doesn't understand how life changes when you have a baby, nor does she really get the concept of 'busy' and it is getting under my skin. Her life is so free and simple compared to our busy lives now that we have DD, I don't understand why she can't be more accommodating rather than expecting me to put myself out like before. I've explained but she just doesn't 'get it.'

How did you deal with drifting apart from close friends after many years? Is there a way we can remain friends without me constantly feeling annoyed when making arrangements?

Word you might write books - but try not to read too much in to what other people say - where have I ever said I think or want people to find me scintillating

Perhaps save those comments for people you actually know?

And no I have never found any aspect of it achingly boring. I am present in each & every moment

Good grief. What on earth do you mean by present in each & every moment?

I like parks with my dog. Am pleased the kids (except ds1) have largely outgrown them & can at least swing themselves. And ds1 is always faintly amusing to watch in a park (other people's reactions).

I'd share some gin with MI at a park (or actually preferably a pub with no children).

blessed you said you were not boring!

As you must know mother bringing a baby to a pub is not straightforward. Some babies, like my DS will sit happily while you chat, whereas some, like my DD will scream the whole time. Even with a 'good' baby you can be interrupted every five minutes. It can be very stressful, especially if your friends resent how distracting it is.

I like running round the park on my own at 7am. It is v beautiful and I puff hello to the dog-walkers.

There is nothing wrong with finding some bits of parenthood profoundly wearing.

Five month olds like the OP's are fairly pub-friendly, I was thinking. But if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I do take your point.

I've been thinking and I think it's just about friendships being fluid.

A lot of my friends with kids the same age at ds1 need child free meet ups now because ds1 can't do the rings their kids can. I have several groups of friends who like to camp - I'd go with ds2/ds3 but not with ds1. So I meet them for lunch or a beach walk or something ds1 can do instead.

If I can't meet up with a friend for a while because our diaries aren't compatible we keep in contact on facebook or wherever & meet on the odd occasion we can.

We don't have aby exoectations of being able to make every social occasion though.

I am really surprised to hear someone saying that one of the reasons they may never have children is the worry they'll come across as boring to their friends. Do people seriously make major life decisions based on how it'll appear to friends?

Mother - I don't find things "boring".

Tbh though I couldn't care if you do find me boring! Your irrelevant to my life.. Not meant to sound harsh but it's true.

Anyway off to work now.

OP you will find friends who are better suited to each stage of your life. It's not a reflection on you - it's just how life works - meetings and partings etc etc.

See it as an opportunity to have more time to find people who can empathise with your situation.

Good luck

Ironically the only friends I've lost touch with since having dd are some of those with children of their own. They only seem to want to meet up with kids in tow and 90% of the conversation ends up being around the kids, which is fine sometimes but every time is a tad dull. (And none are single parents/have children with SN etc so no reason they can't go out occasionally).

My child free friends on the other hand are as fantastic, kind, supportive and fun as ever and definitely not self-absorbed. I see them less often but its fabulous without fail.

Amon: "I would NOT want to give up my previous life"
How naive.
Again, the division and lack of understanding from (some) non-parents is so telling.
It is perfectly natural, reasonable and acceptable to lose yourself in the world of you DC in the first few months! Afterall, it's what us mothers are programmed to do.
You can't possibly decide how you're going to be when you have children because until then, you can't really have a clue.

I have lost touch with some who haven't had dc. I can understand why. I'm not as available, I'm not terribly interesting (spending most of my time feeding, sleeping, going to the park) and I'm not offering things on the same terms any more. Whilst some friends are willing to try and understand and accommodate, others aren't. I found it a bit of a disaster with some, trying to bring dc along. Some I've had less contact with but then built it up again once the dc were older. I think that's a better solution if they're willing to wait a bit. It's great to escape from family life once in a while and have a nice meal with an old friend.

I rest my case!

Over and out from me. Happy New Year all. I'll hopefully be spending mine with a microwave chicken curry and a cheap bottle of plonk whilst DD is in bed. Hoping she's down before 11! I'm looking forward to this much more than the pre-DD days of a 10 deep bar, crap lager and sticky floors... oh and the stonking hangover.
Different stages of our lives require different scenery and different people. This is my conclusion.
who said boring can't be bliss?!

Op sorry but you seem incapable of posting anything without a negative/patronising undertone towards people that are doing child free things. Your final post being a classic example.

If you put a thread/question on here I think you should be prepared to be open to views from both sides? I agree with handson, you are only appreciative of people that agree with you and pander to you. Everyone else 'hasn't got a clue' apparently.

I don't really understand why you came on here to ask the question if you only really wanted people to reassure you in your views?

Loafofbread, yes, in the first few months, sure be totally absorbed in only one thing, your child and all that goes with it. However, if this is going to be a long term thing, indefinite thing don't expect to keep the relationships you once had before.

At the end of the day, the person going to be most interested in your child is YOU. For the first 6 months or so people will be interested and lenient etc I'm sure, but if 2-3 years later, the only topic of conversation you can come up with is your DC and everything you do revolves solely around them...people WILL get fed up of that, even other mothers.

Apologies if I come across at all patronising, I intended primarily to gain advice on how to continue a friendship (see original thread) but it seems to have escalated somewhat.
I have some good ideas from quite a few posters though.
I can assure you that I'm far from sitting on a blessed cloud at the moment as I'm sure other new mums would agree.
Didnt mean to devalue the busy activities in the lives of child-free people. I was talking solely from experience as a child-free person I once was myself in comparison to life now as a mum. I truly had no idea what busy was, again sorry if that offends.
Motherhood sure makes you forget about the rest of the world so again, I apologise if my words give you that impression. I never set out to do that.
I thought my reasons for being annoyed with my friend were justified in the circumstances of her being in my town just the 2 days before her expecting us to make the long journey to her, especially with a young child. Especially her saying she was unable to come and see us or even meet up for 10 minutes to save us the early start and long journey. That aside things worked out well in the end and I'll continue to invest in our friendship but on different terms.