Did you drift apart from your friends?

[loafofbread]

I'm a first time mum to a 5month old and today met up with my friend of many years for Christmas. She's in a long-term relationship with a woman and has no children with no desire to have any.

Before I fell pregnant I'd probably travel the 50 mile journey to visit her where she lives in the valleys once a month or so. We'd go for a meal in the village, have drinks and I'd stay over.

Since DD came along, DH and I have met up with them on several occasions, but I just find them so unaccommodating of our child. They regularly choose venues which arent baby friendly and I guess they're so used to me singing their tune, they get irritable with me when I say no to their choice of venues.

They were in our town over Christmas so we asked if they could pop over to our house to swap gifts etc but they said they were too busy and asked us to go to them the following day instead (today).

On our journey, we hit really thick fog over the steep hills and I got anxious at having DD in the car so we turned back. After our first ever argument over the phone about us turning round, my friend agreed to.meet us half way. She arrived with the most thoughtful, beautiful gifts for the 3 of us but I couldn't help but just feel sad and awkward the whole time after our argument.

We really have nothing in common anymore and have drifted apart. She made so much effort with our gifts but just doesn't understand how life changes when you have a baby, nor does she really get the concept of 'busy' and it is getting under my skin. Her life is so free and simple compared to our busy lives now that we have DD, I don't understand why she can't be more accommodating rather than expecting me to put myself out like before. I've explained but she just doesn't 'get it.'

How did you deal with drifting apart from close friends after many years? Is there a way we can remain friends without me constantly feeling annoyed when making arrangements?

Yes, boring. Much of it is v wearing and boring. Much as I love my children I survive with the help of gin and gory thrillers. It helps now they are old enough to enjoy thrillers of their own.

I do like my child-free friends. Their lives have never had to tangle with weaning or school choices or GCSE options or party bags or PE kits or any of the other 101 things that have cluttered my brain in the past 13 years.

blessed not being bored is not the same as not being boring .

The reality is that most parents of babies are quite boring to others without. That's why it's important to make friends with others at the same life stage.

However, it's also important to recognise that if friendships outside that group are valuable to you, then you do need to work at it.

Anyone who has ever gone to the park has had ample time to get achingly bored.

I think it's natural for new mothers' worlds to revolve around their babies in the early days, and it's equally natural for those who haven't had that experience to need some help in understanding the dramatic extent of those changes. When my best friend had her DD, I assumed she'd be completely immersed for a while and cut her so much slack that in the end she had to say, you know I do want to talk about non-baby things too, please?

But I have to agree with some of the previous posters in wondering if you actually want anyone to tell you your friendship's worth saving. When you say In time I'll be able to talk about films and shopping whilst eating organic vegan food in a pub over a pint of cider again but right now, I think I just want to stick to my side of the valleys and be plain old mum. that's not giving your friend a lot to work with either! Of course priorities change after children, and what you both once found important isn't as important to you compared with your new role, but for the friend, IT STILL IS. Her interest in organic cider/Mr Tiddles' thyroid problems/work hasn't suddenly become less valid because your interest in those things has been supplanted by critical nap timings.

I'll always love my best mate's DD because (till I know her better!) she's a part of my friend. My friend loves the reassurance of someone seeing and knowing her as someone in her own right, not just DD's mum. Good friendships negotiate life changes - but no one's telepathic, and sometimes you need to TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF.

But it just is boring a lot of the time!

I mean, there are only so many times you can pretend to be Madame Gazelle teaching a pirate to count before you start to feel your brain slowly dribbling out of your ears...

Her interest in organic cider/Mr Tiddles' thyroid problems/work hasn't suddenly become less valid because your interest in those things has been supplanted by critical nap timings

Such a good point. Sometimes comments from some parents, especially new parents, read as though all interests bar children - which, know, is just the most important thing anyone can do () - suddenly become null and void.

Not at all TQ- I believe that the husband/ DP/ whatever should do half of everything, or if that isn’t possible due to work, at least take over in the evenings for a bit to give the mum a break. I absolutely understand that having children is hard work, they take up a lot of time etc and a lot of support is needed. I don’t doubt that it is incredibly tough and both emotionally and physically draining. I commend people that do it, I’m not sure whether I can.

I don’t have DC no, however if I do in the future, it will only be with someone who I know (think, you can never be 100% sure) will be entirely supportive both practically and emotionally. They would have to be, because I would NOT want to give up my previous life, yes, some of it would have to be (no more non-stop partying!) but I would still like to do a lot of the things I do now, still have fun, laugh, relax, have a drink occasionally, friends around for parties, go out, have a few drinks, let our hair down, continue with my all-consuming hobby that I’ve had and been doing since I was 6, the hobby that pretty much defines who I am really. To still be able to laugh with my husband, to have time to exercise and keep myself in good shape/ looking good both for myself and my own self worth, but also for him. For my mother or someone to babysit once a month so we can have a ‘date night’ and go out for dinner/ drinks/ bar and dance etc.
I understand this is idealistic and the reality MAY be different, but I can tell you right now, I WOULD, GENUINELY do everything in my power to ensure the above happened. Everyone I know that has children that has done this, SEEMS a lot happier and to lead more fulfilling lives than the ones that have just been all consumed by parenthood.

I very sadly miss going to the park now that DD is older.

Our local park is absolutely beautiful and full of friendly families.

Amon, the boringness is all-consuming for a bit. You're too knackered for it not to be. You find yourself enthusing on topics (see post passim) that the rational bit of your brain knows perfectly well are mind-numbingly boring but is too smothered in exhaustion to shout loudly enough.

I was genuinely surprised my lovely BF hadn't heard of the Tweenies once. Admittedly I did blush in horrified shame pretty well straightaway.

Yes, but Bonsoir I imagine you in a chic Parisian park straight out of Madeleine, rather than a windswept recre ground in Macclesfield, with two broken swings and a roaming, collarless Staffie cocking its leg against the No Dogs Allowed sign.

I must admit that once my DC were in school I spent almost no time with women at home with pre-schoolers.

I know one felt quite hurt because we'd done a lot together when his DS and mine were the sane age. But when mine went to school and he and his wife had another baby I just couldn't the stomach the idea of living through that stage again, even vicariously.

Mother your clearly not happy about something .... Perhaps you need to look at how you can be more positive about your life and address that rather than moaning .

My neighbours son 22 years old was killed 2 days before Christmas.

Even without this knowledge I can ever imagine coming on here & moaning about being parent ... As my username suggests I am very grateful to be a parent warts & all.

Boring? Or bored ? Never.

I know when to count my blessings.

OP, take the baby to the pub. Have a pint of cider and a nice organic vegan meal. Gossip raucously about your mutual mates with your old friend. It will be fun.

Oui, with small children wearing navy blue smocks with white collars and Start-Rite Clares to play in the sand pit. And those green metal double-sided swings that you have to pay to go on. And a merry-go-round and a kiosk to buy waffles at 4.30.

I actually like parks.

But now I prefer to walk my dog in them with other friends, all our DC safely in school, discussing whatever.

Not standing at the bottom of a slide or pushing a swing...

Mother your clearly not happy about something

And no I have never found any aspect of it achingly boring.

I am present in each & every moment.

Life is too short to be "bored" or find things "boring".

blessed you cannot possibly know who does and does not find you boring!

The thought that everyone finds your company scintillating is unlikely.

Oh good grief. I am very sorry, of course I am, about such a tragic death.

I also have a brain, a sense of humour and a boredom threshold. Small children are frightfully wearing and a bit limited, really. Adorable, and lovely in their ways, and I loved mine to bits but the utter tedium remained.

I never felt much need to supervise my DD at the park - she always got on with it on her own. It's those green benches I miss, from which I could survey her on the jungle gym against a background of perfect trees while I read The Economist in peace or chatted to friends...

blessed don't take this the wrong way, but your posts are humourless and dull!

At least mi makes folk laugh.

Bonsoir, that sounds blissful.

I actually wrote most of my first book in parks and soft play.

Yes, MI. And I was old and wise enough to realise at the time just how blessed I was (and sometimes even shed a mini-tear at the perfection) and to try to retain the feeling for later recall.

I'm not really here to make people laugh !

Are you?

Feel sorry for those who come on here to get a lift from making people they don't know laugh

I couldn't care less what any of you think tbh! Personally I don't find Mother in the least bit inspiring but I don't really care about that either and neither does she !

As you were