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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ds11 says he feels "bullied" by DH....

90 replies

Queenofknickers · 29/12/2014 22:49

DH has quite a dominant personality and we have had a few conversations before where I have said he shouldn't scream/swear at the children but he thinks I mean they should just "get away with anything". Tonight ds11 didn't want to go to bed at 8 pm as it's the holidays and he wanted to stay up till 8.30. Personally I would have been happy to compromise and agree that but DH sees any challenge as insubordination and screamed/swore at DS. I tried to stop him going into DS room a and he physically pulled my hand off the handle. I have told him this was unacceptable. DS is upset and says he feels bullied by his dad. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 29/12/2014 22:54

This sounds like a dreadful situation.

Personally, no one has screamed or sworn at me or grabbed my harshly by the wrist so I struggle to see this as normal.

Your daughter is asking for help so you must respond. Speak to your gp or school in the first instance and ask about positive parenting for your DH if you think he would go for it.

If not, you have to help your children feel safe and that might mean tough decisions from you

Passmethecrisps · 29/12/2014 22:55

Forgive me - I thought there were two children. DS only then. The same advice stands

NewName2015 · 29/12/2014 22:56

Your DS is right, he is bullied by his dad. Don't you agree?

EssexMummy123 · 29/12/2014 22:56

He pulled your hand away? were you being insubordinate as well?

HansieLove · 29/12/2014 22:57

He is a bully to both of you. That was not a situation where screaming was necessary, they could have talked it through.

Original poster
Queenofknickers · 29/12/2014 22:58

Thanks, crisps, it reassuring to hear that someone else thinks it's not ok iyswim. DH does not accept help/advice and certainly not parenting course. My children come first so I will do whatever is necessary but really I'd like to save my marriage too Sad

OP posts:
Fairylea · 29/12/2014 22:59

He's a total bully.

Apart from anything else an 8pm bedtime for an 11 year old is way too early. My 11 year old dd is going to bed about 9.30 during the hols and about 9 ish on a school night.

There's no need whatsoever for him to swear at your son or to yank your hand away from the door. It's controlling and abusive.

AnyFucker · 29/12/2014 22:59

Your husband sounds horrible towards your son

and 8pm in the school holidays ? Confused

Original poster
Queenofknickers · 29/12/2014 23:00

I was frequently bullied and abused as a child and young adult so I know (through years of therapy) that I tend to minimise it. It's not ok to shout and swear and it's not ok to physically pull my hand away. End of. But what do I do???

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 29/12/2014 23:01

Of course you do. You married him for a reason but children changes our perspective greatly.

Is he always aggressive, shouty, sweary? What age is DS? You do need to be terribly careful about the messages of acceptable behaviour which is sent to your DS .

What about your family? Mum? Siblings?

AnyFucker · 29/12/2014 23:01

op your husband should not be treating his children like that

nasty

are you frightened of him too...that is the only reason I can think of as to why you might stand by and allow it to happen, tbh

OddFodd · 29/12/2014 23:03

Why do you want to save your marriage? He sounds like an aggressive bully. Saying he has a 'dominant personality' is minimising unacceptable behaviour :(

And (possibly off topic) why on earth are you sending an 11YO to bed at 8pm anyway? My DS goes to bed at that time and he's 7.

coffeeandcalpol · 29/12/2014 23:03

Very difficult situation for you, but in my opinion, there is never a situation where a parent should scream and swear at a child, raise voice maybe but not lose control and never intimidate a child, or you! Your son needs to see that until he can stop a person behaving in this way towards him, you will, dh sounds very much like a bully, how far would he go, would it escalate from shouting and swearing?

Original poster
Queenofknickers · 29/12/2014 23:04

I know I have no real reason to be frightened of him yet somehow I am and it's paralysing. I just want everything to be ok and happy family. I need to get real.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 29/12/2014 23:04

What you do depends on what you want to happen.

It is easy for me to say LTB and give you instructions to flee tonight while sitting comfy. You have to decide for yourself what is manageable in the time you have and support Available to you.

Personally, I couldn't cope with that level of aggression so would be seeking to leave ASAP. The council/social work/Dr will be able to help if you want to leave. Similarly they will be able to provide counselling of you could persuade DH.

Deep down???

IDontDoIroning · 29/12/2014 23:04

Your 11 yo is going to bed at 8.00 in the holidays?? I'm assuming they are yr 6 not yr 7? In school time this should be later definitely in the holidays nearer 9 at least.
Shouting and swearing at an 11 yo who doesn't want go go to bed at 8.00 is excessive.

piggychops · 29/12/2014 23:04

If your DH is going to battle over everything he is in for one heck of a hard time when DS hits puberty. He is also running the risk of permanently damaging his relationship with DS.
Your DS is reaching an age where he is beginning to need more responsibility as part starting on a path to becoming an independent person and some of that is achieved by negotiation. It means your DS will start to challenge things but that is normal. It's a bit of an art deciding which things to concede on.
8pm is quite early for an 11 year-old bed time. My DS goes at 9 with lights off at 930pm during term time.

FunkyBoldRibena · 29/12/2014 23:05

8 oclock for an eleven year old is pretty early.

Isnt the point that he is starting to negotiate bedtimes and is just being bullied into submission by his dad? He called it right.

So, what are you going to do about it?

WineWineWine · 29/12/2014 23:06

Wow, he sounds horrid. That really is bullying behaviour. He needs to acknowledge that he is in the wrong and this is his problem if you are to have any hope of dealing with it. Otherwise he will continue as he currently does.
And 8pm is ridiculously early for an 11yr old.

OddFodd · 29/12/2014 23:06

And well done to your DS for standing up for himself. I've been in his shoes and it's bloody hard when you know that your mum is always going to defer to your dad, no matter how terribly he's behaving.

Please don't just let this go. Your children need you onside, fighting their corner.

LizzieVereker · 29/12/2014 23:07

I am sorry, that sounds horrible.

8pm sounds terribly early for an 11 year old in the holidays, but that is only my opinion. If you and DH want to set a bedtime, that should and can easily be accomplished without shouting, certainly without swearing, and most definitely without physical force. It sounds like he's bullying you both.

How would DH react to be told that DS had shouted and sworn at a younger student at school, or physically prevented someone from opening a door? Not well, I expect. But if DH continues to model this kind of bullying behaviour what does he expect?

I hope you are OK. Do you have any RL support?

vindscreenviper · 29/12/2014 23:09

An adult "screaming and swearing" at a child isn't bullying it's abuse. Do you think your DH is capable of recognising this and changing how he speaks to you and your children? If not then how much "screaming and swearing" do you want your children to endure during their childhood?

LizzieVereker · 29/12/2014 23:11

PS I didn't mean to imply that your DS will become a bully- I was "thinking aloud" about how your DH would react to similar behaviour in others. I hope I haven't added to your upset. Thanks

Original poster
Queenofknickers · 29/12/2014 23:13

But if we separate there would be times/weekends when they would be alone with him. At least if I'm here I can do my best to intervene and stand up for them.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 29/12/2014 23:15

The thing is this is just a sample of how it's going to be. Fast forward a couple of years and they will really butt heads and it has the ability to end really badly.
I am not going to lecture you about how damaging this is for your children as I fear you know this. I hope you have the strength to deal with it though.

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