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Original poster

Ds11 says he feels "bullied" by DH....

90 replies

Queenofknickers · 29/12/2014 22:49

DH has quite a dominant personality and we have had a few conversations before where I have said he shouldn't scream/swear at the children but he thinks I mean they should just "get away with anything". Tonight ds11 didn't want to go to bed at 8 pm as it's the holidays and he wanted to stay up till 8.30. Personally I would have been happy to compromise and agree that but DH sees any challenge as insubordination and screamed/swore at DS. I tried to stop him going into DS room a and he physically pulled my hand off the handle. I have told him this was unacceptable. DS is upset and says he feels bullied by his dad. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

EssexMummy123 · 29/12/2014 23:16

So what would happen if you said - 8pm is to early and unreasonable for an 11 year old i've decided DS's bedtime is now 9pm?

OddFodd · 29/12/2014 23:23

Sorry to be blunt but you're not intervening and standing up for them are you? You're fluttering around on the sidelines. The only thing you're doing is possibly stopping it getting physically but you're not actually stopping it.

And if your children are older, they don't have to spend time with him if they don't want to. An 11 year old would not be forced by the courts to see his father.

Fairylea · 29/12/2014 23:23

The thing is by staying with him you are telling your ds that overall you stand by your dh and his wishes override yours and your ds rights. If you separated, especially at 11, your ds would be able to ring you and you could go and pick him up if your dh is being a dick. If he is as abusive as he sounds you can even prevent contact or ask for it to be supervised.

ruddygreattiger · 29/12/2014 23:23

Screaming and swearing at a child is not acceptable and certainly not normal. Your son says he feels bullied and he is dead right. You love a man that treats your children like that?
I would guess that if this continues your son will be moving out as soon as he is old enough with no incentive to keep in touch, your poor son has my sympathy.

dwarfrabbit · 29/12/2014 23:31

family meeting tomorrow. list of things that are not acceptable for anyone. shouting, swearing, insults top on list. You all sign it. Your son is asking for help, so give it. We're 9pm and 10pm in holidays if they've cleared up their rooms and done some reading. DH sounds like a pain in the neck and needs to stop being Victorian Dad.

ExtraVolume · 29/12/2014 23:35

If you split you will be giving your son a sanctury for most of the week and teaching him that it is not right to dominate someone else.

Negotiating and laying out your case is a great set of skills that you should be encouraging. DH sounds like he is on a powertrip.

prettywhiteguitar · 29/12/2014 23:39

If you split up your son could choose whether he sees his dad or not

Right now he has no choice

StillInMeJimJams · 29/12/2014 23:45

But you aren't standing up for him though are you? You've 'had conversations' and 'you've said...' but your H isn't listening is he? To be honest if DP had ever behaved like that to DS I'd have had his bag packed and his arse out of the door pronto. No fucker bullies and screams and swears at my son. The fact that it was his F behaving like that is worse than if it was a stranger.

Woman up and protect your DC from the abusive twat. And if you do separate an 11 year old wouldn't be forced to have contact. At that age his view would be taken into account.

And 8pm bedtime for an 11 year old during Christmas holidays? Is he living in the 1950s? I suspect there is more to this than just bullying your DC.

NettleTea · 29/12/2014 23:45

Insubordination???
what is this? 1880??
And asking to stay up a little later doesnt require screaming and swearing?

You say you were bullied - I guess you havent learned the tactics of how to stand up for yourself, and you will fail your son if you dont stand up for him. He is right and has named the behaviour for what it is - he is a bully.

Quitethewoodsman · 29/12/2014 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 29/12/2014 23:53

After with PP, if you leave your ds can refuse to visit his father.

My 12 year old goes to bed at 10pm.

Quitethewoodsman · 29/12/2014 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuggersMuddle · 30/12/2014 00:01

8pm for an 11 year old sounds a bit odd to be fair, albeit I have no kids personally, but still sounds early for my friend circle / family.

Screaming and swearing about a half hour in the holidays sounds unhinged. Was he sober? Not an excuse either way, but unless your DS was really acting up, I can't see the need to scream and swear. I recall staying up fairly quite late at times as a kid when on hols abroad or during the Xmas holidays when getting up later was an option - I thought that was fairly normal.

Could he not compromise by allowing him to stay up in his room (assuming not shared with younger DC) and reading / listening to music / playing console if he has one? Thus still giving you 'adult time'.

IAmNotAMindReader · 30/12/2014 00:18

You aren't being any buffer at all. At 11 if you split and your husband continued your son would be well within his rights to refuse to see him and at that age his wishes would be listened to.

cestlavielife · 30/12/2014 00:28

Your ds would probably prefer two or three nights a week of strict dad (if he insists on fifty fifty and hat orks ) and the others peaceful with you than seven out of seven with dad..... You can't be there intervening it just makes it nasty every single day....

cestlavielife · 30/12/2014 00:30

It us very skewed to think by staying with your h you are protecting your ds.... Your ds will have much better more pleasant life away from this tense daily battleground.

tippytap · 30/12/2014 07:32

I agree with the PP.

Your husband is a nasty bully. I'm sorry, but I see no evidence of you 'intervening'. What have you actually done?

Your son has told you that your husband bullies him. You need to remove him from this situation.

Btw - 8pm is way too early for an 11 yo to go to bed. My 8yo DD has a bedtime of 8 on school nights, 9-ish during the holidays.

Sunna · 30/12/2014 07:37

He's a bully. Far too early for an 11 year old to have to go to bed. At that age my bedtime was 10pm, same for my DCs.

He sounds like a tyrant. If you can't get him to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable then he needs to leave for all your sakes.

tribpot · 30/12/2014 07:38

I feel very sorry for your ds. He is treated without any kind of respect. As are you. You clearly can't intervene successfully; if you were to separate at least the majority of the time your ds would be treated properly.

Isetan · 30/12/2014 07:50

How can you save your marriage when your H will not entertain compromise?

Look at it from your son's viewpoint, he is being bullied by his father and if he doesn't toe the line then he is probably putting himself and his mum in the firing line. His father's choice not to control his temper and his mothers choice not to limit his exposure to it, is not his responsibility.

Your son is 11 and the courts would listen to his fears, If the price of saving your marriage is a bullied fearful mother and child, than its too high.

Quitelikely · 30/12/2014 07:50

Tell your dh grown men scream and shout at each other, not a grown man and child.

Ask him to apologise to your ds for his behaviour and to explain to him it is wrong to treat children that way.

Tell your dh if he doesn't change his approach to discipline then you will be forced to reassess the future of your marriage.

Pagwatch · 30/12/2014 08:01

Unfortunately you are not standing up for your child. You want to but you are not.

And don't tell DH that grown men scream and shout at each other. They don't. Dh has not screamed or shouted at anyone in about 20 years. Neither does DS1. It's fucking childish.

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/12/2014 08:01

Queen after we had split my ExH behaved like this to my 10 year old. She spoke to a member of staff at school who referred this to the child protection officer.
With the support of the child protection officer and social services all contact was stopped for a period, then was supervised contact. Gradually it increased to unsupervised in a public place.
You and your DS do not have to accept this and there are people who will support you in this. It is verbal abuse.

Rebecca2014 · 30/12/2014 09:01

8pm bedtime for an 11 year old?? He must be bored shitless in his room.

It sounds like your husband rules the house with an iron fist. Your son is old enough to see you are a door mat and no you are not protecting him. He should feel safe in his own home but the poor boy feels bullied and on egg shells properly.

Don't try and say "Oh if we separated I wouldn't be there to protect him." Your not protecting him now are you? you are staying because YOU want too, not because YOU want to protect your children.

TheHoneyBadger · 30/12/2014 09:15

it takes two people to save a marriage - not one who thinks it's ok to scream and shout at children and ok to manhandle his wife when she tries to take a role in parenting.

fwiw my son who is nearly 8 goes to bed at 8.30pm on a weeknight with the light on so he can read (falls asleep rapidly) and 9pm on Fri and Sat nights. This is later than it was till recently and is fine for him. Obviously it varies from child to child but 8pm in school holidays for an 11 year old just seems crazy as does swearing and screaming at him in response to a request to stay up a bit later.

i've read the other posts but don't think anyone has mentioned the way that men who are bullies tend to consciously or otherwise pick women who have been bullied and/or aren't very assertive or over brimming with self esteem?

one way or another your son needs not just your theoretical love but to see it in it action OP - not said to be cruel honest. but we all talk about love like it was something that lives inside of us and cuddles and fluff when what it really is or at least what it needs to be to be seen and felt and trusted by children is action and courage and reliability you know?

and to state the obvious that everyone else has stated - how he is treating both your son and you is totally not acceptable x

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