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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ds11 says he feels "bullied" by DH....

90 replies

Queenofknickers · 29/12/2014 22:49

DH has quite a dominant personality and we have had a few conversations before where I have said he shouldn't scream/swear at the children but he thinks I mean they should just "get away with anything". Tonight ds11 didn't want to go to bed at 8 pm as it's the holidays and he wanted to stay up till 8.30. Personally I would have been happy to compromise and agree that but DH sees any challenge as insubordination and screamed/swore at DS. I tried to stop him going into DS room a and he physically pulled my hand off the handle. I have told him this was unacceptable. DS is upset and says he feels bullied by his dad. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Ledkr · 30/12/2014 09:19

I feel really sorry for your ds going to bed at 8. That's my 3 yr kids bedtime.
My 12 yr old goes to sleep around 9.30.
Poor kid probably feels terrible when he hears his mates talking about their bedtimes and the fun stuff they did in the holidays.
Your husband sounds horrible snd controlling is he the same with you?

Snapespotions · 30/12/2014 09:31

My dd is 9. On school nights, she has to be in bed by 9pm; in the holidays, we have no fixed bedtime. It is not at all unreasonable for an 11yo to want to negotiate an 8pm bedtime. He will undoubtedly know that his friends go to bed much later than this.

Your DH's reaction was totally unacceptable, but you already know this. I get that you are afraid of what might happen if you separate, but think about what happens if you stay. Do you really want to send your DS the message that you find his Dad's behaviour acceptable?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 30/12/2014 10:08

Don't try and say "Oh if we separated I wouldn't be there to protect him." Your not protecting him now are you? you are staying because YOU want too, not because YOU want to protect your children.

I think this is a bit harsh. For the OP, this is a VALID concern. I stressed over this as well before I separated from my stbx. It'd be a bit more helpful and supportive if you encouraged her to find out what her options are for limited contact (such as supervised contact or contact centres), rather than trying to make her feel like shit.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 30/12/2014 10:08

OP, am going to PM you some info.

magoria · 30/12/2014 10:11

Actually if you separate at 11 would your DSs opinion be taken into account?

He may not have to see his dad if he feels bullied?

expatinscotland · 30/12/2014 10:16

My 9-year-old goes to bed at 9 during term and probably around 10 in holidays (she has to be in her room at 9 as I like to watch telly that often have swearing). My 6-year-old goes to bed at 8.

insanityscratching · 30/12/2014 10:25

Your ds is showing some maturity for his age by trying to negotiate a later bedtime. Unfortunately he is trying to negotiate with a father who is seemingly unable to show anywhere near the same level of maturity and you don't appear to be supporting your ds in the face of your dh's anger and so ds is being let down twofold.
You cannot allow ds to continue to be bullied, you need to act now and show your ds that his well being is worth fighting for either by separating now or giving your dh an ultimatum to get his issues addressed in order to save your marriage.
Are you and dh aware of what freedoms and choices 11 year olds are given these days? Dd is 11 and generally goes to bed at 10pm during the school week and when she chooses during the holidays. At 11 it's important that they have freedom and choices so that they can safely make mistakes before striking out in their teens. Also there is some need to fit in with their peers, how can ds join in chat about popular tv programmes when he is in bed long before they even start? By allowing ds to be dominated by your dh you are not only making him unhappy at home you are limiting his opportunity for social success later on.

simontowers2 · 30/12/2014 10:31

Your husband a horrible, nasty bully. Not sure why anybody would want to be with a guy like that. Lets hope when your son hits 16 or whatever he turns around and knocks seven bells out of the twat.

CogitOIOIO · 30/12/2014 10:54

I think this sounds very serious and your DS is clearly being subjected to abuse and I think you're getting the same treatment. I think you need to talk to someone at Womens Aid about your DH's behaviour and possibly Child Protection. Because you and your DS need help, possibly refuge, and it needs to go on record that this man is abusive. That way, if/when you split, you're more likely to limit him to supervised access.

maccie · 30/12/2014 11:40

Queen. Have you considered how that incident felt for your son last night ? He had tried to negotiate an issue and was screamed/sworn at, he felt the need to escape the immediate vicinity and retreated to his room. He then had to listen from inside the bedroom as his father tried to get to him, hoping that his mother could prevent this. You did prevent it, THIS TIME. what about next time ?

What is a reasonable bedtime for an 11 year old is irrelevant here. Your son made a request and then received a load of abuse and aggression. You know this is wrong queen. If you have suffered bullying and abuse yourself then you will know the fear your son suffered last night, and you also know that this will happen again if you do not take the necessary steps to make sure it doesn't.

Honestly queen what would have happened if you hadn't been there to step between them last night ? What would your husband had done if he could have got into your sons room unobstructed ?

Original poster

Queenofknickers · 30/12/2014 12:34

He's not talking to me today except to tall me it's all my fault as he is the only one who does any "parenting". I'm a shit mother.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/12/2014 12:37

No, he is a shit father who has to resort to swearing and threats to get his own way

fuck your husband, how is your son ?

Your first thought was for whom ? Have a think about that.

tippytap · 30/12/2014 12:37

That's up to him.

But what are you going to do to help your DS?

Is this thread just for venting? Venting is fine for minor niggles. This isn't a minor niggle. I'd bet the farm your DH behaviour is not just restricted to arguing about bedtime.

Quitethewoodsman · 30/12/2014 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boomtownsurprise · 30/12/2014 13:05

You have a few choices

Say or do nothing

Instigate a conversation

LTB

Presently you are stagnating and doing the first. I get the last might be too much. You have to at least try the middle one don't you?

I'm afraid you actually probably need to see the marriage as failed though.

WineWineWine · 30/12/2014 13:12

He's not talking to me today except to tall me it's all my fault as he is the only one who does any "parenting". I'm a shit mother.

So he is abusive to you and abusive to his child.
"Parenting" is not swearing and shouting at your child.
You are not protecting your child, you are teaching him that this is an acceptable way to behave in a relationship. He is the role model teaching your son that this is how men treat their wives and children.

He will never change and this will get worse. Controlling a child under 10 can be relatively easy. When they grow into independent teens, things can get very explosive if you try to maintain that level of control (which he will)

maccie · 30/12/2014 13:14

What he was doing was not parenting of any description. Whether or not he's speaking to you should not matter. You need to be taking steps to keep your son safe. I would be trying my hardest right now to get a non-molestation order so that it is spelled out to your husband that he cannot behave this way towards yourself or your son.

Please ask yourself why you had to physically put yourself between your husband and your son. The answer is because you were worried for your sons safety. If you were not worried you wouldn't have done that but you were worried and you did need to do that.

You need help to keep yourself and your son safe. Call women's aid. Call a solicitor. Call SS. Just please get some help now before your husband minimizes this and has you doubting the seriousness of his behaviour.

Your son depends on you to keep him safe

TheHoneyBadger · 30/12/2014 13:34

is your son speaking to you? how is he?

after all of that drama last night he was left alone in his bedroom to try and go to sleep alone.

then he had to face coming out of that room this morning into his father's territory.

he has no choice - he's a kid. there is no escape.

have you managed to have a chat with him?

YvetteChauvire · 30/12/2014 13:35

Your fear of him and the need to protect your self from the his reaction seems greater than your need to protect your son from lasting emotional damage. That is wrong.

Neither of you are parenting particularly well.

Nerf · 30/12/2014 13:42

Bedtime isn't really the issue is it? It's not like if 8pm was what everyone found acceptable that the dh's behaviour would be okay.
Fwiw I need time without the dcs and mine are in their rooms by 8pm unless we are doing somethibg together but this means a bit of light nagging or explaining to them rather than screaming or shouting.
I do think parenting can bring out extremes in people actually and expectations of how their family will behave. It's hard to adjust to living with lots of people rather than lots of compliant or biddable small children if that makes sense.
I've just had a row with dh this morning because he expected to be able to order the sixteen year old to do something. Obviously, you can't. Doesn't mean they are getting away with it, means you adjust your reactions:

maccie · 30/12/2014 13:45

Please don't disappear queenie. I know that this is hard to hear but you sound like you are so used to walking on eggshells and constantly considering your husbands feelings that posters(myself included) are just trying to make you see this from your sons point of view.

There are things you can do about this. Keep posting and accessing this support so that you can make changes to benefit your son

Justwanttomoveon · 30/12/2014 13:46

Your son needs you, I feel so sorry for him. Please put his needs first, above everyone/everything else. He needs a safe environment and hes certainly not in one now, time to take stock and get rid of h, your son and you will be so much happier without this bully in your lives.

MyballsareSandy · 30/12/2014 13:54

Your DH sounds a controlling bullying nightmare. Are there other DCs, or just your DS? I'm wondering if you have younger ones that are still more 'controllable' for want of a better word. Your DS's teens are going to be hell if your DH gets so angry and abusive over negotiating an extra half hour bed time, poor lad , you'll be living in a war zone.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 30/12/2014 14:11

Queen I hope you are still reading.

I don't like the fact that some posters are having a go at you. I cannot know exactly how you feel, but I am coming out of a decades long EA marriage, and I know that all my strength, resolve and 'grit', for want of a better word, were gradually eroded by my ex - not in absolutely all areas of my life, but in my marriage and my family life, I was controlled by his behaviour and reactions. Those feelings that he must be 'kept sweet' run very, very deep, I'm having therapy and working through it all, but if you feel the same way (and apologies if you don't) then I can see why you feel so unable to stand up to your H.

For what it's worth, I regret not ending the relationship sooner - not just for my sake but for my DCs.

Sending you courage.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 30/12/2014 14:13

I forgot to say, I was the child in this kind of situation too - I don't know for a fact, but I think it's very likely, that I 'learned' this dynamic from my parents' relationship.

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