Ds11 says he feels "bullied" by DH....

[Queenofknickers]

DH has quite a dominant personality and we have had a few conversations before where I have said he shouldn't scream/swear at the children but he thinks I mean they should just "get away with anything". Tonight ds11 didn't want to go to bed at 8 pm as it's the holidays and he wanted to stay up till 8.30. Personally I would have been happy to compromise and agree that but DH sees any challenge as insubordination and screamed/swore at DS. I tried to stop him going into DS room a and he physically pulled my hand off the handle. I have told him this was unacceptable. DS is upset and says he feels bullied by his dad. I don't know what to do.

yep, I learned that it was nigh impossible to have an opinion that wasnt my mothers, and that to try to stand up for yourself or make any demands about my own needs or wants were pointless - I was either shouted down, told I was 'difficult and contrary' or told I was selfish.
It led me into countless abusive relationships because after a lifetime of taking that on board my ability to say NO without guilt, or to see where people were abusing me and taking advantage, were all skewed.

You are not a shit mother. You sound like you have experienced a fair bit of abuse yourself and have been conditioned to be in a relationship like this. Well, guess what, you don't have to put up with it any more.

If you stay in this relationship then your son will also have an abusive childhood and the cycle will continue.

Put your practical head on, is the house in your name? Do you work etc?

Nobody is having a go at the the OP

She knows her son is currently being treated badly by his father, that is why she posted here

It is highly likely that in RL she will be having it reinforced that her H is ust a "dominant" personality, a bit stressed, deserves some child-free time because he works so hard, should be able to expect respect in his own home etc

What the people surrounding op (and op herself) seem to be forgetting is that the person most in need of a break here is this 11yo kid

and FWIW, I am am and always have been, a relatively "strict" parent whose boundaries where parent/child relationships are concerned are pretty firm

not once have I screamed, swore at, belittled or physically threatened my children

I suffered enough of that at the hands of my father growing up and my mother made a decision that her relationship with him was more important than the emotional health of her children

so I feel rather qualified to reply here

and OP, I have only the barest regard for my mother now and even though she lives only a few miles away I rarely visit. She is still with my father and she still puts all his needs first.

I wasn't in any way saying that the OPs 11 year old wasn't suffering, AF, but pointing out that the OP may not have much fight left in her ...

I know

yep, it's all round sad. i feel sad for the op but no denying the awful position the ds is in in order to make the OP feel better.

it is also that in some ways later in life we can end up feeling almost worse towards the enabler than the abuser in some ways. it's all a complicated mess to sort out for the child, speaking from experience, but the 'i love yous' of the enabler feel rather meaningless and impe make you not naturally place a great deal of weight on the words 'i love you', they have a flimsiness about them that you don't trust adds up to anything in reality or can be relied upon.

i genuinely feel for the OP but reality is between her and her son she is the only one with any choices.

sorry, that should have read 'it is also true that in some ways later in life.....' probably other errors to - tail end of flu and still zombie like.

too. i give up

My ex DH was and is the same. I got away from him but the kids still see him. He is dominant and a bully, when I used to challenge his shouting at the kids parenting 'technique' he retaliated by telling me because I didn't shout I was wishy washy and had no control. To this day he carries it on, the kids tell me, I have kept them from seeing him on occasion, thus breaking a court contact order, but I don't really care about that as I am having to make a decision which ensures my children's wellbeing and also letting him know that he can't treat the kids like that.
He is never sorry, blames stress or just simply blames me for 'fucking up the marraige'. It's ingrained in him to be like this.
Op, if you want to be with this man then please realize that his bullying will affect your son, it can't be called anything else.
My kids are relaxed with me, there is no way I would have been able to stay in my marraige as living with tensions like that just destroys ones self esteem and it really is bad for the kids.

Stand up to your DH. You owe it to yourself and your son.

What you describe is bullying. Of both his son and of you.

The bedtime isn't the issue, the problem is with what he considers 'parenting'. As DCs get older, things change - bedtimes, freedoms, household duties. The parents grow with the children, change is needed on both sides. Your H thinks it's 'my way or the highway' and the way he expresses this through violence and bullying. What he did to you and to your DS is abuse. You know what you have to do.

Op would you feel able to speak to someone at your son's school? With or without your son present. I'm sure there would be someone trained to help who could give you advice and guidance. It must be incredibly difficult to see through the fog that is there as a result of being abused yourself (do you recognise this is the case?), but there are people who can help you and your son.

The fact that you started this thread shows that you know something needs to be done. You can do it, and you are NOT a shit mum. Am I right in thinking those words came straight from your husband's mouth? Don't believe him, he's a liar!

Please keep posting.

Hi OP,
I really hope you can out your children first and ask your H to leave. He doesn't sound like he is open to change at all, he arrogantly and stupidly thinks his way is the right way. Sounds like he is abusing you all.
He will go kicking and screaming but you can make him go. Police can be called, orders can be put into place. Don't let your fear of your husband or embarrassment of what people might think stop you from asking him for a divorce. What is your next step going to be? Would you like a calmer safer environment for yourself and your DCs?

Put your children first, not out!
Um, speaking from personal experience, this type of bullying and abuse from a parent, is incredibly damaging. Your children are autonomous beings with their own sense of self; 'd'h doesn't like that and has to destroy their sense of self to make his own fragile self feel better. Sorry I'm not putting it very well.