Parenting conflict with dh

[pebblepots]

I'm just hating the way my dh parents sometimes.

Our dd has just turned 3. Here are some examples of things that are upsetting me:

He was getting her ready for bed a few nights ago and she was lying the bed being uncooperative with putting her nappy on and kicking at him.

He ends up trying to force her to put it on, I went to up there and he was holding her upside down by her ankles to stop her kicking. I helped get things calmed down a bit and the nappy on, then retreat again (he gets annoyed when I interfere and 'undermine' him). He ends up smacking her as I think she kicks him again and leaving her crying for me to go up and sort out.

Tonight he was getting her ready for bed again and I can hear it escalating, she has hit him. I can hear him saying 'No bedtime story tonight' 'I'll shut you in the dark' 'you're being horrible' - this does not help, just escalates the situation more. He is berating her and going on and on, using language that she really won't understand.

She does not kick me when getting ready for bed and of course I don't think this is OK but it is the way dh deals with these things, it is just unpleasant and does not work.

He makes threats if she doesn't do as she is told straight away, such as coming to get shoes on as we are going out, 'right we will leave the house without you, we'll leave you here' which I disagree with as they are cruel, inflammatory (not to mention an empty threat) and just escalates the situation by upsetting her.

A few weeks ago he tried to do the naughty step technique with her, of course she would not stay on the step so he ends up holding her on the stairs while she cries and gets more and more worked up. He's probably hurting her by holding her down. He is determined to 'win' and make her apologise (I can't remember what she did now). I wait as long as I can but enough is enough and I go intervene.

So after tonight I am in the dog house and I dig out the Toddler calm book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith which I bought ages ago but haven't read much. This approach really fits with the type of parenting I do, but is so different to his. He expects me to 'back him up' with his parenting, and i try but I just can't if things are getting unreasonable in my opinion.

I said to him that it is worth a read but he just said 'not interested' and walked off.

I'm so sad he is treating our dd like this. He thinks she is naughty and needs sorting out. She is great but like all toddlers can be a pain at times but her behaviour is just typical toddler stuff, he just seemingly can't head it off or deal with it reasonably and goes into head to head confrontation. These examples are probably over the last couple of months, he does have lots of lovely calm and fun play times with her.

What do you think of this? I don't really know what to do, its so difficult to find a time when he'd be receptive to talking. Communications and respect are breaking down between us sadly.

Op, I'm so glad you've been able to get the ball rolling discussion wise with your dh. I'm glad he was shocked when you mentioned the possibility of separating, it will make him have a long hard think about his behaviour and attitude in general. Your plan over the next couple of weeks sounds like a good one, be prepared for setbacks but also be prepared to praise him endlessly when it goes right, yes I know it's patronising but it works!! His parents' methods of discipline leaves a lot to be desired and explains a lot of his own thoughts on parenting, thankfully we have moved on but you can see now whey he was floundering with your ds.

The very best of luck, hopefully when the two of you are parenting together he will feel closer to you and ditch the porn.

Dd, sorry not ds

Good work getting the discussions going, and good luck for the next two weeks. It will doubtless be tough, but potentially very much worth it.

So glad it sounds like he was ready to talk - even if you can't agree yet you're halfway there, well done OP.

Really pleased to read this.

Just wanted to draw a parallel between how you propose to parent to get her, and how you deal with your husband.

In both parenting and your marriage, you need to have clear and consistent boundaries and clear and consistent consequences.

There can be no greet areas or wobbles. It's down to you to ensure that this is adhered to both with the parenting, and your marriage.

Good luck

Great to see you have had got everything off your chest and come up with a plan together that you both agreed on.

Good luck for the next two weeks, if he follows through with what you have agreed on, point out how smoothly bedtime went etc to show how the more consistent consequences etc are working. Positively reinforce what you want to see more of.