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Original poster

Parenting conflict with dh

131 replies

pebblepots · 28/12/2014 00:48

I'm just hating the way my dh parents sometimes.

Our dd has just turned 3. Here are some examples of things that are upsetting me:

He was getting her ready for bed a few nights ago and she was lying the bed being uncooperative with putting her nappy on and kicking at him.

He ends up trying to force her to put it on, I went to up there and he was holding her upside down by her ankles to stop her kicking. I helped get things calmed down a bit and the nappy on, then retreat again (he gets annoyed when I interfere and 'undermine' him). He ends up smacking her as I think she kicks him again and leaving her crying for me to go up and sort out.

Tonight he was getting her ready for bed again and I can hear it escalating, she has hit him. I can hear him saying 'No bedtime story tonight' 'I'll shut you in the dark' 'you're being horrible' - this does not help, just escalates the situation more. He is berating her and going on and on, using language that she really won't understand.

She does not kick me when getting ready for bed and of course I don't think this is OK but it is the way dh deals with these things, it is just unpleasant and does not work.

He makes threats if she doesn't do as she is told straight away, such as coming to get shoes on as we are going out, 'right we will leave the house without you, we'll leave you here' which I disagree with as they are cruel, inflammatory (not to mention an empty threat) and just escalates the situation by upsetting her.

A few weeks ago he tried to do the naughty step technique with her, of course she would not stay on the step so he ends up holding her on the stairs while she cries and gets more and more worked up. He's probably hurting her by holding her down. He is determined to 'win' and make her apologise (I can't remember what she did now). I wait as long as I can but enough is enough and I go intervene.

So after tonight I am in the dog house and I dig out the Toddler calm book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith which I bought ages ago but haven't read much. This approach really fits with the type of parenting I do, but is so different to his. He expects me to 'back him up' with his parenting, and i try but I just can't if things are getting unreasonable in my opinion.

I said to him that it is worth a read but he just said 'not interested' and walked off.

I'm so sad he is treating our dd like this. He thinks she is naughty and needs sorting out. She is great but like all toddlers can be a pain at times but her behaviour is just typical toddler stuff, he just seemingly can't head it off or deal with it reasonably and goes into head to head confrontation. These examples are probably over the last couple of months, he does have lots of lovely calm and fun play times with her.

What do you think of this? I don't really know what to do, its so difficult to find a time when he'd be receptive to talking. Communications and respect are breaking down between us sadly.

OP posts:
Quitethewoodsman · 30/12/2014 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Phineyj · 30/12/2014 21:55

DD (aged 2) is going through a phase (I hope) of kicking, biting and pinching me and then laughing. Also throwing things at my head and her aim is amazing. She mostly does it to me, not DH. I am finding it very hard to stay calm and positive when this happens (although to be honest I am impressed with her over arm pitching!), so I have some sympathy with your DH. I suspect DD finds it more amusing to pinch etc me than DH as she gets a better reaction. I would recommend when there are flash points like bedtime, doing it together for a while. If you do have a better technique, then DH will see and DD will see you are united hopefully.

NickiFury · 30/12/2014 21:59

He sounds like a bullying authoritarian arsehole and I do not agree that quite frankly horrible parenting should be "backed up" in any way. Way to let your dd know that NEITHER of the adults are to be trusted in your home.

Personally I would tell him he didn't shape up he'd be out and for those who say it's not as easy as that, I packed my exes bags when he kept telling my ds to "stop being a girl" whenever he cried. He didn't leave but he never said it again. He knew I meant it and deep down he knew it was wrong.

Original poster
pebblepots · 30/12/2014 22:04

Yes, good point about the meal Quite. I'll try the other dad's thing but don't think he'll budge. What he hasn't realised yet is he'll be looking after dd for the 4 mornings while I go on the course.

And Phin, yes I'll get us doing bedtime together. Tonight I did the getting her ready for bed and he did the story, that also worked well.

OP posts:
Iggly · 30/12/2014 22:10

Sorry but I would go apeshit if DH hit our child and was dangling them upside down. Seriously.

Why are you going on a course? What is the point when he's the one that needs help....

How do you normally get him to see reason?

thinkingaboutthis · 30/12/2014 22:13

Sounds like you have picked a course that will just affirm your parenting style - could you maybe look for something more neutral?

Only1scoop · 30/12/2014 22:18

He sounds like a bully.

If my Dp hung my dd upside down by her ankles or told her he would leave her in the dark....I'm afraid I'd have to do more than recommend a book to read. Awful.

Original poster
pebblepots · 30/12/2014 22:19

I think the point of me doing the course is so i can pass clear information/ strategies on to him. As what I do now I find hard to articulate in a way that he would understand. Also I think there is probably room for improvement in the way I parent, the book seems very interesting and I'd like to explore it more.

How do I get him to see reason? Chipping away maybe. But he is digging heels in over this I don't think he'll reconsider. Like Beaky said, possibly if we are getting on better in general he would be more relaxed and open to my ideas/ opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
pebblepots · 30/12/2014 22:22

More neutral? Maybe, but my way kind of works for me and dd, then I'd have to do stuff I don't agree with

OP posts:
thinkingaboutthis · 30/12/2014 22:29

Guess it depends what you are trying to achieve pebble. Do you think he will agree to do stuff he doesn't agree with because you say it is right? Or will you have to compromise a bit?

If neither of you are prepared to compromise or back each other up, what option are you left with?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 30/12/2014 22:29

I'd say the only point in you going on the course alone is to better equip you and you alone, if that's what you want.

He's refusing to go either because he's stubborn and doesn't accept he's got anything to learn/doesn't want to change his approach, or because he simply can't imagine it getting any easier and wants to keep the option of blaming you for not implementing/understanding the techniques properly (he wasn't there, so he doesn't know what's right, how could he?), or lastly, because he's just lazy and wants all parenting to fall at your feet, and for you to give up and take on the responsibilities yourself.

It's probably a mixture of the three, but the fact that he says DD might turn into a complete brat is certainly setting you and 'your' techniques up for any and all blame.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 30/12/2014 22:33

I'm not sure pebble can be expected to 'compromise' or go for techniques that are more 'neutral' while her DH likely doesn't even have an idea of a well-rounded approach that is supposed to work - or at least while his approach seems to be 'do whatever strikes parent at the time, if child plays up then intimidate it and then further escalate the situation until either child complies or parent collapses'...

EmbarrassedPossessed · 30/12/2014 22:35

thinkingaboutthis, do you think that losing his temper, smacking, empty threats, hanging her upside down by her feet (!), pinning her down on the "naughty' step etc is a parenting strategy? One that deserves respect and support? Surely it's the result of someone with no idea about a parenting strategy or the first idea about how to calmly deal with challenging behaviour.

I would struggle to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't interested in even discussing a joint approach and who just abdicates all responsibility.

thinkingaboutthis · 30/12/2014 22:43

Yes, that's exactly what I think Confused

My point really was that the DH may be more likely to get behind an evidence-based, mainstream parenting programme (even if it means the OP making some compromises on things like time out or reward charts) than signing up to a ToddlerCalm approach.

Quitethewoodsman · 30/12/2014 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggly · 30/12/2014 22:47

What makes you think he'd believe you via a course because, I bet, he'd see you as just interpreting it in a way which further undermines him.

He needs to do the course himself. Not you.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 30/12/2014 22:53

Confused It's unhelpful to suggest that the OP should support and back up her partner with his current chaotic, reactive and aggressive parenting "style". Maybe the Triple P parenting course would be more acceptable to him, but currently he seems to be not interested in discussing his parenting at all.

On another level, it's very sad that values that are clearly close to the OPs heart are being completely shut down and dismissed by her partner. If the Toddler Calm approach is more her style then her DH should surely be able to bring himself to at least discuss it.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2014 22:57

Why are you attending a parenting course that you don't need, knowing full well he will take about as much notice of anything you try and pass along as he has with anything else so far

the fact is, he thinks he is right and everybody else is wrong

there is no reasoning and no compromising with a person like that

this is way more than a simple different approach to parenting techniques

thinkingaboutthis · 30/12/2014 23:00

Who has suggested that Embarrassed? But they need to find some middle way they can both agree on, or else split up and each parent their own way in their own time.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/12/2014 23:03

You'd be better off seeking advice on your financial position and throwing him out. I bet he's been just as determined to 'win' and be obeyed in his dealings with you.
He's a bullying cock who thinks men should be deferred to and submitted to by women and he will not change.

EmbarrassedPossessed · 30/12/2014 23:08

This would really be a big issue for me in a relationship, a complete unwillingness to discuss parenting strategies. It's not about the OP having to compromise, as her DH isn't even willing to engage with her on this. When asked to, he refused and then abdicated responsibility for parenting. Where is the OP supposed to go from there?

apotatoprintinapeartree · 30/12/2014 23:11

This needs sorting now, I'd be telling him that he has to change now and that his parenting skills are not acceptable.
You know where they are wrong because you have listed them.
I can't believe people are advising talking over a nice meal as if there is no rush to get it sorted.
Why are you going on the course and not insisting he does.
How can you be with a man who treats his own child like this?

newrecruit · 30/12/2014 23:32

I have had issues like this with DH. He takes it all so personally. Doesn't accept that they are just children.

However I had to put my foot down and things got better (DC are now 8&5).

He would frequently tell me I was undermining him. I told him I only undermined him when he blatantly went against things that we had agreed (no smacking etc).

A lot is to do with how DH was brought up and how his parents disciplined him.

He wants to be a good dad but sometimes his instincts take over.

The last time it happened however I threatened to leave him. Told him in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate it and would be prepared to stop him seeing his children if necessary.

Reading a book on his behalf is not going to cut it.

Original poster
pebblepots · 30/12/2014 23:37

Well I am certainly struggling to be with him that's for sure. However, say we split up, he would have access and then he could so what he likes so he would be free to carry on parenting inappropriately; that wouldn't actually solve the problem would it?

OP posts:
EmbarrassedPossessed · 30/12/2014 23:46

I agree that separating won't solve the problem either, but it seems very difficult to find a way to get your DH to recognise the seriousness of the situation and actually engage with you, respectfully.