Parenting conflict with dh

[pebblepots]

I'm just hating the way my dh parents sometimes.

Our dd has just turned 3. Here are some examples of things that are upsetting me:

He was getting her ready for bed a few nights ago and she was lying the bed being uncooperative with putting her nappy on and kicking at him.

He ends up trying to force her to put it on, I went to up there and he was holding her upside down by her ankles to stop her kicking. I helped get things calmed down a bit and the nappy on, then retreat again (he gets annoyed when I interfere and 'undermine' him). He ends up smacking her as I think she kicks him again and leaving her crying for me to go up and sort out.

Tonight he was getting her ready for bed again and I can hear it escalating, she has hit him. I can hear him saying 'No bedtime story tonight' 'I'll shut you in the dark' 'you're being horrible' - this does not help, just escalates the situation more. He is berating her and going on and on, using language that she really won't understand.

She does not kick me when getting ready for bed and of course I don't think this is OK but it is the way dh deals with these things, it is just unpleasant and does not work.

He makes threats if she doesn't do as she is told straight away, such as coming to get shoes on as we are going out, 'right we will leave the house without you, we'll leave you here' which I disagree with as they are cruel, inflammatory (not to mention an empty threat) and just escalates the situation by upsetting her.

A few weeks ago he tried to do the naughty step technique with her, of course she would not stay on the step so he ends up holding her on the stairs while she cries and gets more and more worked up. He's probably hurting her by holding her down. He is determined to 'win' and make her apologise (I can't remember what she did now). I wait as long as I can but enough is enough and I go intervene.

So after tonight I am in the dog house and I dig out the Toddler calm book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith which I bought ages ago but haven't read much. This approach really fits with the type of parenting I do, but is so different to his. He expects me to 'back him up' with his parenting, and i try but I just can't if things are getting unreasonable in my opinion.

I said to him that it is worth a read but he just said 'not interested' and walked off.

I'm so sad he is treating our dd like this. He thinks she is naughty and needs sorting out. She is great but like all toddlers can be a pain at times but her behaviour is just typical toddler stuff, he just seemingly can't head it off or deal with it reasonably and goes into head to head confrontation. These examples are probably over the last couple of months, he does have lots of lovely calm and fun play times with her.

What do you think of this? I don't really know what to do, its so difficult to find a time when he'd be receptive to talking. Communications and respect are breaking down between us sadly.

Well done for drawing the line - it sounds like he has accepted this, albeit with bad grace, and that gives you time to think and talk and maybe get outside help if needed/wanted/possible. I think it's very positive that you're considering different courses of action with an open mind, but at the same time you've also set out non-negotiable standards for how he treats your DD.

I think that however their relationship pans out, your DD is lucky to have you as her mum and protector. She will see a strong woman, a good role model.

Is he a parent struggling with toddler behaviour, deserving of support or is he a class 1 arse.

Well, he could be both. People struggle with all sorts of problems, and deserve help (if they want help), but it doesn't mean we have to treat them like a victim and excuse bad behaviour. I think you can reasonably expect him to be an adult - ie to take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences, which he will have to bear eventually if things carry on like this.

Your dh should not be dangling her by her ankles or smacking etc

However you have mentioned that dd doesnt respond to your discipline either regarding the naughty step etc.

My dd is 2 years old. I put her on the naughty step and she stays there. Never attempts to get off unless i say its ok.

I use the tone of my voice to control dds behaviour and 90% of the time she does as asked or told first time.

My dd has kicked me afew times but i ve very quickly nipped that behaviour in the bud using my voice and tone.

I dont need to restrain her or hit her or threaten her.

You both need to do the parenting course.
I understand your dh wont go but i think some very good persuasion tactics might help.

OK, so what positives are there in the way he is with her? Lead with that!

My dh (and me) both have said/done things during our parenting time that we aren't happy with, however, we listened when the other told us after (out of ear shot of kids - this is VERY important, I feel) wards.

I have backed dh up in front of kids re behaviour/discipline, because being openly undermined does nothing for your show of solidarity while parenting. (That said, neither of us hit our dc)

The both of you are typically split parenting. He is doing it his way & you yours & you both think you are right & that there is no wiggle room, and feel that the other needs to adopt your methods. You are not on the same page at all.

I think you should sit down, discuss what is working & look for ideas that both can adopt. Without this being any one persons fault.

Counting, we do not use the naughty step, i tried it as an option and pretty quickly realised it was turning into a battle of wills I didn't want to engage in, so shelved this technique.

She does respond to me/my discipline, I use tone of voice, yes sternly when needed, patience, eye contact, compromise, choose my battles, don't sweat the small stuff. Heading situations off so as not to go into head to head battle.

Dh expects to issue a request and for her to do as asked straight away, but we are just not there yet, to his frustration. He thinks if I had been firmer then she would be more obedient. Working with dd's personality, I'm doing the best i can to train her up to be a good, happy, well behaved child and acceptable human being. She is lively, gets absorbed in her play, has plenty of her own opinions and is as stubbon as her dad. Of course it would make my life easier too if she just did as asked straight away, it's not as if I have purposely not brought her up this way! But i am playing the long game

Anyway I am considering doing the patenting course as realise I am not perfect either.

Oops name change fail, that was mine above

I think depending on when you introduce the naughty step determines how effective it is.

There is a massive difference in a just 2 year old and a 3 year old.

Im a great believer in that you start as you mean to go on.

At what age did you start discipline?

Op is that your other thread about Dh and the phone etc?

Yes unfortunately, and apologies, I know that was probably relevant to this thread but I was just too ashamed to add it. I have spoken to him about that.

Basically I have had enough of keeping quiet to keep the peace and avoid his moodiness. That has obviously not worked. I will be speaking up loud and clear on stuff I don't like (don't see that i have anything to lose now) as well as trying a diplomatic approach and seeing of we can address some of our relationship problems along with these parenting issues.

So that will be Saturday night's topic of conversation for us, as my mum will have dd.

So last ditch attempt to sort us out. And yes I do know my position, me and dd would be fine, if skint.

I ve just read your other thread about the phone.

He is disgusting.

op, going off your two threads I think you have some major problems, the main one being that you have backed the wrong horse when choosing a co parent for your dc

it's going to take a major personality turn around and complete change in outlook from him to turn this one to positive....This is not something you have any control over I am afraid

does his behaviour and attitude demonstrate at least basic willingness to first admit and then secondly to address this ?

If not, you will simply continue to throw further sunk costs at this also ran

I understand why you changed names and posted the two issues separately...taken singly they are bad enough but taken together the picture is very bleak and worrying indeed

Forget the specifics and look at the underlying issues.

Brusque, rough approach to toddler = lack of empathy + poor impuse control

Porn on phone whilst caring for toddler (same room) = lack of appropriate boundaries

Unwillingness to communicate = just that

Those have to be four of the most important psychological attributes/ personality features for successful relationships and parenting and he is lacking in ALL of them.

Tactics is one thing, but please stop minimising the problem to yourself.

I am just going to focus my advice on the problem as stated. Different parenting styles, and not on any marriage problems.

To me it looks as though up you and DH have different ideas on parenting which are unfortunately at opposite ends of the scale. You have both got in to the mindset of 'I am right, they are wrong' and the minute you do that there will be conflict! Who benefits from all this? Your 3 year old, as she is more than capable of playing one off against the other.

And before we get into the argument that young children are all sweetness and light lets accept the fact that children play parents off against each other as a matter of course and always have done. It's normal and it's not the sign of an evil child. Much easier to say DD is kicking the OP because of what dad did than accept that 3 year olds will play up anyone at bedtime.

That's why parents must work as a team. They must agree on styles. They must compromise. They mustn't allow their ideas to polarise as is happening here. That way DH and OPs ideas become entrenched. It's a battleground. Neither give way and they may end up doing things with the child out of anger and frustration that they may not want to do really. DH being unreasonably harsh and OP being unreasonably soft and giving in.

OP must stop saying this is my way and it's the only way. I lay down the law and DH must follow it. They must sit down together and work out a set of rules that looks more like a compromise but encompasses compassionate parenting. Maybe DH is unhappy that DD gets away with things like not playing with certain items after being told not to, but OP lets her carry on even though the object may end up broken? 3 year olds need boundaries and maybe the OP is not following through with setting these and it is frustrating the DH?

By discussing these things calmly and listening to the DHs POV it may become clear he feels there are few boundaries. Ultimately you must decide a plan and both stick to it. It won't involve threats or smacking either but neither over indulgent parenting. This talk should not focus on the negatives of DHs behaviour but on positive parenting. His refusal to go to a parenting class was probably because he felt it a criticism, just as he feels constantly criticised. Negativity doesn't work with children or with adults especially men

I think the problem is that OP clearly wants to work as a team, agreeing a mutually acceptable parenting strategy - but DH doesn't. I don't think her approach is 'My way or the highway' - I think she is straining every sinew to find a way to get DH even to talk about how they parent their DD.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do if the other person has no respect for your point of view and does not consider that they are in any way at fault. He is clearly losing control with their DD and this is a concern. He won't even talk about it. That is a problem.

Then there is the parenting course etc. This is just him setting up the OP for more blame. Other posters are right- he should be the one going on the course, but there is no way he is going to address this. Going on the course would, for him, be an admission of weakness and opening up the tiniest possibility that he might not have been getting it right. He is absolutely focussed on everybody else, mainly OP, being to blame for anything that goes wrong.

It's all very well saying 'they must work as a team'. The DH has no intention of working as a team, full stop. He wants to rule by intimidation. That is his parenting style, it also is his style as a partner. Yuk.

And his style is working very successfully for him at the moment, so he has no incentive to change it. OP is tiptoeing round him - being properly intimidated by his awful behaviour, and soon, no doubt, DD will also be afraid of him if she isn't already. He is obnoxious. Good luck OP - I really don't think this is a case of finding the right way to go about approaching this with your DH - there is never a 'right way' with him - that is how he keeps you where he wants you i.e. on edge 24/7 and trying to please him ALL THE TIME.

Well there are obviously marital issues going on that I am not aware of.

I am just focussing on loving parents with totally different parenting techniques who are becoming polarised because they have painted themselves into a corner and are not prepared to work as a team.

If there are other multiple issues then that may not work in this case, but the principles are the right ones with conflicting parenting styles.

It's very clear from what the OP has said that it's absolutely not a question of two differing parenting styles. The DH in this case has no parenting style - he is simply reactive, aggressive, threatening and chaotic. He is also disinterested in even discussing how to parent, and when challenged on this his response was to abdicate responsibility for parenting.

I never said the husbands parenting style was desirable (quite the opposite) but if a poster comes on asking for advice on how to encourage a better attitude from her husband do forgive me for trying to address that.

If she has a backstory which she doesn't divulge about the husband being abusive and the marriage unhappy then she should say that because the parenting styles are quite irrelevant then. The problem is with the relationship and her husband and the poor attitude of the father is just an extension of that.

I have know parents who are good together but one feels 'let the child dictate what happens in the home' and the other who sets rigid uncompromising, harsh boundaries.

Just reading the first post by the OP makes it abundantly clear that it isn't a simple case of two parents with different parenting ideas. It's about one parent who is engaged and keen to develop parenting skills, and one parent who isn't interested even in discussing his parenting which is currently woeful. The OP has tried to discuss this issue (very reasonably) with her DH who shut her down.

Pebblepots most recent post is a sensible approach to trying to address this with her husband, given his attitude both to their relationship and to parenting their DD.

As there are such severe relationship issues that are spilling over into unresolvable parenting issues then she would be better off if she LTB.

Does DH have siblings you can talk to because he possibly had some v cruel parenting himself.

I think that small DCs can be 'naughty' persistently and it is hard not to get annoyed but the parent has to realize that they are testing boundaries or tired, not maliciously trying to be cruel and deliberately pushing their parents to the limit. They are little tots. So trying to frighten them into giving in is totally wrong.

But it sounds like you have not been consistent either OP, if the naughty step failed. Imo just being totally persistent until they give in, repeating the order or the action until they do as required is the way to go, patiently and caringly, not angrily. They are not adults with an adults perception of what is going on.

Terrorising them into 'behaving' is soooo wrong and I can't believe your DH doesn't know this. But his own childhood could be pushing him to the wrong behavior. If he hangs her by the feet at 3 years old, what method does he plan to adopt when she is 13??

He needs some proper parenting lessons now.

Oh blimey, just seen about the porn thing - it sounds like he's still a child himself.

Mmmm , just catching up on this thread and saw the bit about watching porn while minding the dd, this does throw a different light on things and op you and your dh definitely have more issues than different parenting styles, but you already know that. Your dh is shutting himself away from you physically and emotionally, you both need to have a very serious chat and not just about a parenting course; either he seriously gets his act together or the marriage is over, time for you to get serious. Best of luck.

Hi Pebblepots
I could have written your post except I am 10 years ahead of you. My H has no idea how to parent & uses the sledgehammer approach. My DD is now 14 & regularly tells me she hates him. We are still together but I am on the cusp of telling him it is over mainly because I want a better life for my DC's.

His approach is control & dominate, shouting, making empty threats. The latest is if she doesn't turn the shower fan off after her shower he will make her wash on the patio!!!!! Never going to happen. We regularly argue about how he is with them and regularly undermines me. I now have to ask his permission if they want to do anything I.e. Have a sleepover, I am not 'allowed' to make those decisions.

I am a well educated, strong, confident woman but 15 years of this has ground me down.

Please carefully consider your future. My H will not listen to sense, thinks everyone else is wrong & is generally pig headed about it.

Please PM me if you would like.

"Feel the fear and do as she is told " where does he get this line from ? Was he at a strict school, beaten by his dad or ?

Go on parenting course - get your affirmation.

Focus on small battles eg tell him clearly : don't hang her by her ankles you can easily dislocate Her hips .

Don't make empty threats . Clearly you aren't going to leave her home alone.

Having big "talks" won't fix things. ..

Do they do fun stuff together sometimes ?

Similar situation here, and I tried to show dp by example and had to point out a few times how cruel he was. He just didn't understand that dd's actions weren't personal and were typical toddler behaviours.

But taken with the porn on phone while bathing dd... You have serious issues going on. Go to relate on your own . Tell everything to a therapist . Who can help you decide yourself where you go from here....

In meantime if he with dd eg bath then no mobile. Simple. He should be engaging with dc, playing, talking etc. then go for his half hour with phone. Does he spend all day with her and entertain her all day so the only time he gets to look at phone is when she in bath ? And practically speaking at her age she could slip splash etc so having phone in his hand not a good idea you can tell him that... If you trying to salvage something here pick small practical issues.., leave phone outside bathroom. Anything urgent can wait 20 minutes. Same for you too.