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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is an utter £&@*!!

117 replies

Snakesandpropertyladders · 19/12/2014 18:54

Sorry this is more of a ranty post than seeking advice.

I was taken ill at work today and was sick in the office toilet. I felt so faint and unwell that I wasn't sure how I was going to manage the walk to the station, let alone collect the car the other end and drive to nursery to collect our toddler. Who is also getting over a bug.

I texted my "DH" to let him know and during a fairly long text conversation it became apparent that he was reluctant to leave his work meeting ( read drinks!!) early to collect our son. He even suggested that I take a taxi the other end when I said I didn't feel safe to drive!

So I ended up travelling back and am now at home with the toddler. I'm running to the toilet constantly and am in a lot of pain. I also feel like I'm going to be sick again at any moment. The twat has text to ask if I am still going out later tonight, which obviously I am not. So he has decided that means he is going to stay out himself.

I am so angry right now I could explode! He knows exactly how unwell I am and obviously couldn't care less. Before anybody says it I can tell you that he has been out several times per week for the past month so this isn't a well deserved night out for him. He has just selfishly decided to use my not going out as an opportunity to go out again, leaving me to try to sort our toddler out when I feel dreadful.

I really fucking hate him right now!

OP posts:

Original poster

Snakesandpropertyladders · 19/12/2014 19:35

Yes he has had lots of work Xmas events. I've not complained about him going to any of them.
Clearly he's a selfish prick. I don't think he brings much to my life except his salary. I've been more and more distant from him lately and this has just shown me I won't be able to start loving him again.

Poor DS isn't even 2 yet :(

OP posts:

Twinklebells · 19/12/2014 19:37

with your own salary you would prob get working tax and family credits and maintenance to. Visit the entitled to website and you can type in your salary etc to get an idea of what you will be able to claim.

Hope you feel better soon btw.

CatsClaus · 19/12/2014 19:39

really, AF is rude??

I suppose your ignorance may be excused owing to the fact you are ill, and appear to think it is perfectly acceptable to excuse a man who is happier continuing to jaunt about with the lads instead of caring for his sick family

inlectorecumbit · 19/12/2014 19:39

lock the door-text him to find alternative accommodation tonight then and get yourself to bed.
Hope you feel better in the morning and can start planning your exit.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 19/12/2014 19:44

Well, he knows he should come home to look after your son while you're too sick to. And it's obvious he doesn't give a shit. And it's equally obvious that you want rid of him anyway. As good a time as any... Respond to his message letting him know not to come home tonight and to collect some things from the doorstep tomorrow.

Original poster

Snakesandpropertyladders · 19/12/2014 19:50

Thanks.
That's interesting. It seems I would be eligible for tax credits . I thought you had to be a really low earner. If the site is accurate then with the amount they say I'd get I would be able to manage. As long as "DH" isn't difficult and pays maintenance.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snakesandpropertyladders · 19/12/2014 19:54

Yes AF was rude. Was there any need for what she said, or the way she said it?

I'm not sure where I've excused his behaviour or said it was ok. I started the thread to say he's a twat. Some of you have jumped to conclusions.

I haven't called him and demanded he come home because its clear to me he has no intention of it. I'm not going to wind myself up further by trying to engage with him. He is clearly being unreasonable and is no doubt by now drunk.

OP posts:

CooCooCachoo · 19/12/2014 19:55

Oh that is pretty low. Even if that were a first offence, I would be seriously considering the relationship. It's the toddler at nursery that would do it for me.

I'm a big girl and could look after myself but absolutely would expect DH to pick up the slack with DS. Because, in the absence of anything else to shore up the relationship, if you can't at the very least rely on him for care of DS when you can't, what is the point of him being there? Particularly when him being there and being an arse just causes stress and anger....'it's the very definition of being better off without him...and there is always maintenance.....

kaykayred · 19/12/2014 20:08

Snakes - I think you are being very harsh with AF. They are a well respected regular, not some troll. I know you're ill, pissed off, and probably feeling justifiably sensitive right now, but your anger is misdirected.

Clearly their comments were tongue in cheek and not meant to start some bizarre cat fight.

It seems like either this has been the straw that broke the camels back, or you are saying things you won't mean in a few days because you're (understandably) super fucked off, which we all do. None of us will know which one it is except you though.

Personally I don't think not calling is the best route, as it lets him simply get on and enjoy his night whilst you suffer. Granted, not much may come out of it, but at least you would be making it absolutely 100% clear that this isn't just a one night row, this is end of the line serious.

But it's your judgement call.

If things really are that bad, then I'd second someone else's suggestion of texting him telling him not to bother coming home tonight and sort out his own fucking accomodation, lock the door, leave the keys in, put the chain across or whatever, and then get yourself to bed with a bucket and glass of water, or flat lemonade, or whatever you can keep down.

The last thing you need is that twat waking you up at two am, drunk, and ending up in a row punctuated with vomming.

loafofbread · 19/12/2014 20:11

I hope he catches your bug

CalleighDoodle · 19/12/2014 20:12

Only text dont come home at all and your things are on the doorstep if you mean it and follow through.

Twinklebells · 19/12/2014 20:17

If he refuses to pay maintenance you can get the CMS to take it on your behalf - him being difficult is nowt to do with it really.

Original poster

Snakesandpropertyladders · 19/12/2014 20:18

If the comments were tongue in cheek then I apologise, but they don't come across that way to me. It came across as judging me based on preconceptions and trying to kick me when I'm down frankly.

I'm not ringing or saying anything to him because he will be drunk and nothing will get through. If it does he will just assume it's angry ranting and that I will get over it after a few days. I won't.
I think the fact that I'm not going off on one will show him how serious I am when I ask him to leave.

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 19/12/2014 20:26

I don't think AF's comment was trying to kick you whilst you were down at all, if anything it showed solidarity with you e.g. are you a DOORMAT? No. So stop behaving like one and get your selfish DH to come home and look after his child whilst his partner is ill. That is all.

Sounds like him going off and doing his own thing and leaving you to it is a pattern. One that only you can choose to do something about.

Strokethefurrywall · 19/12/2014 20:27

I'm not weighing in with anything other than to say I feel for you OP - having a vomiting bug, a toddler and a fuckwit of a partner must be godawful.

Do lock the door, and after the little one is in bed, turn off your phone and get your head down. Hopefully you'll be in a better place physically to deal with him tomorrow. Although i'm sure a well timed puke into a bin bag of his clothes might add a certain je ne sais quoi and will certainly drive your point home.

Bigbadgeorge · 19/12/2014 20:29

Aw you have my sympathy, I would also end up picking up toddler then seething at home! Then sulk until I can't be bothered sulking anymore. Hmmmm maybe we should both get tougher! Hope you feel better soon

Justasitis · 19/12/2014 20:38

I would have done the same thing ... Got the child myself ... He's clearly irresponsible and acting like a single man. Don't take everything that's posted to heart OP. Nobody knows you in RL they're just reacting to what you've written. Who is to know how they would behave if in the same position. Just don't be offended you don't know anyone personally

kaykayred · 19/12/2014 21:45

snakes - do you know when you will be asking him to leave?

I hope that by now you have locked the door and gone to bed to get some well deserved rest :-)

Original poster

Snakesandpropertyladders · 19/12/2014 22:22

Tomorrow.
I've not locked the door. We live in a flat and he will only wake up the rest of the building trying to get in. I don't need the scene.

OP posts:

SeasonsEatings · 19/12/2014 22:49

You seem to know that you can't reason with a drunk. Try to get copies of payslips, bank statements and the like.

I hope you feel better soon, can you visit a friend with your DS tomo? Get some tlc and keep out of the way of hungover twonk.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2014 00:00

Oops, serves me right for posting then running to go out on Black Friday

Snakes, my comments were meant to illustrate exactly how he sees you, as evidenced by his behaviour towards you.
Clearly I pitched it badly and upset you

My apologies

Vivacia · 20/12/2014 07:59

Good apology AF, for what it's worth, I thought your post was pitched badly.

How are things this morning OP?

FolkGirl · 20/12/2014 08:03

People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

That's not intended to put you down, either more to illustrate that you have a say/control in this situation.

The position you found yourself in last night is pretty much the worst part of being a single parent, and you already know you can survive that!

Jb291 · 20/12/2014 08:43

Morning Snakes

I hope that you and your little one are both feeling a bit better this morning. Hopefully you've managed to keep some fluids down and been able to sleep a little. I had this bug a couple of weeks ago and it is utterly grim so I can entirely sympathise with how wretched it can make you feel much less having to care for a sick toddler at the same time. As for your partner, I hope that he has the worlds most awful hangover this morning. I would be so absolutely raging mad if I were in your shoes and I think you would be doing the right thing by ending the relationship with the selfish twunt. We're all here if you need us.

Original poster

Snakesandpropertyladders · 20/12/2014 10:01

Thanks for the apology AF I appreciate it. I apologise to you also for my post.

I've not yet got out of bed so I've not seen him. I've not had much sleep and I ache all over so am leaving him to deal with everything. I'm not looking forward to the conversation. Part of me would like to just pack up the car with DS and go to my mums. The biggest concern I have is that he won't let me have DS over Christmas. My family were due to come here. He will no doubt be stubborn about leaving himself. He says DS is his world..... clearly !

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