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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

just over a year ago I had a thread running as I escaped my abusive and exP. follow on thread

85 replies

dingdongknockknock · 19/12/2014 06:59

I had a thread running as I escaped my exp last December. exp wouldn't let me bf the baby

Just an update.

I'm still in a refuge. Its the second one as he found me in the first one. Now i wont be found again as he died. He died a few days ago.

He made my life hell for a year by dragging me through courts for residency, making malicious reports to ss.

Now he's gone. I'm free but don't want to be. I want to go back and I miss him, I just wish I never spoke out. I have taken DDS away from their daddy for good, he couldn't live with it

I got stronger then him doing the freedom programme. Then he ended our past. There is no future for us.

I'm a hypocrite I've never had a nice word to say about him for a year, I've slagges himb off totally. Now he's gone I can't stop crying and missing him.

DDS don't know yet. As he only saw them weekly then I got it cut to fortnightly at court I've just told dd1 I got the weeks mixed up.

When he was so low and down I was happy I got residency and was joking and laughing, he was ending his life. I thought it was a sick joke but now more people are texting saying sorry its not. Its real. DDs never going to see their dad again. Dd1 only talks about bad times but there was good times. Dd2 never going to remember her daddy. Dd2 never got to spend a birthday or Xmas with her dad I took that away from her.

He will never see the smile that I get when she wakes up, hell never hear her speak properly.

He will never get to see dd1 in a school play or hear her sing or see her dance.

I took all of that away from them. Now I'm going to have 2 grieving children all because I took them away.

So this is it. Im free but i don't want to be free this way. I want to still hate him.

A year ago he said he would kill himself. I told him to go ahead. Now he has.

My poor babies now got no dad. Why didn't I just talk to him at court. He looked at me as he walked out of the court room and I looked down a few hours later he was dead

I just want to turn the clocks back. He's gone never to bother me again.

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 19/12/2014 07:07

You didnt do any of this. He did it all.

ASAS · 19/12/2014 07:07

I'm sorry you are going through this.

If you'd stayed he could have killed you.

If you'd gone back after he found you he could have killed you.

Don't let him punish you your whole life.

Keep posting here.

fuctifino · 19/12/2014 07:07

I have no pearls of wisdom but I am very, very sorry for your loss.

I can understand how you have conflicting feelings and that must be difficult.
Please hold the thought that you are in no way responsible, it was his choice.
Above all, you did the right thing for your dd's.

NewEraNewMindset · 19/12/2014 07:11

Your emotions are running high and we always rose-tint people that have died.

You say that you are only finding out about his death from text messages. Has it been confirmed by the police or someone you can actually trust. His solicitor?

MrsHathaway · 19/12/2014 07:11

I remember your earlier thread. You've forgotten what a truly cruel man he was.

You haven't stopped them from having a father - he did that when he chose to be abusive. You could not have stayed. You did not cause his death - that was either his illness or his spite. Be very glad he killed himself and not you: remember how many women are killed by current or former partners.

Be gentle to yourself. You have done so well and been so strong, and the courts recognised that when they found for you.

You're grieving the man he used to be, but he hadn't existed for years and was only ever an illusion.

tribpot · 19/12/2014 07:12

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this, esp so close to Christmas.

Whilst your guilt is understandable, it is misplaced. You are not to blame for his decision to take his own life. You have not caused this situation, just as you did not cause the abuse when you were with him. He has made choices with devastating consequences for your family and I'm sure that you will continue to try to protect your children from those consequences as best you can.

I hope that the refuge can get you and the children access to some counselling to deal with this loss. Please don't blame yourself. You chose to flee an abusive relationship. He has continued to abuse you. None of what has happened has been your fault.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 19/12/2014 07:12

It's part of the abusive hold he had over you that you think this is your fault. I'm sorry for your pain but you are blaming the wrong person. He did all of this. You and your babies have spent a year hiding from him because he was so dangerous, and now he has chosen to take his own life for whatever reason (and the reason is not reduced contact, suicide is far more complex than that) This is all on him.

18yearstooold · 19/12/2014 07:13

This is not your fault and you did exactly the right thing for your dds

I was on your original thread, i'm a stranger yet I was frightened for you

It's been a year since your comment to 'do it then' I've said the same to my ex when he threatened the same thing, it's something we do to protect ourselves but ultimately it's their choice to say these things and take the action your ex has -it's not your fault

mummytime · 19/12/2014 07:20

You didn't cause this - He did!
Even by killing himself he was doing it partly to cause you and the DD pain.

Are you having counselling? There is nothing wrong with feeling grief, but you need to work through this. He has now set you free, you and your DD can live without the fear of him turning up.

As soon as you can do tell them. You don't have to go into too much detail. Ask at the refuge for help finding a charity that can help them work through their feelings.

Even if he had been alive he could so easily have ruined events like "DD being in a school play".

Do get yourself some counselling. What you feel is not wrong but muddled. It would never have been alright.

Take care of yourself and your two precious DC.

FishWithABicycle · 19/12/2014 07:28

I'm so sorry for your loss but this I not your fault.
He made his own decisions, and one of those decisions was to be an abusive git who made your life hell.
It I not your fault he killed himself. It is not your responsibility. Even if he was depressed it's not up to you - you had to do what was right for you and your children.
I wonder though whether he wasn't depressed, whether what he intended to do was to set up a (failed) suicide-attempt situation, as a way of furthering his abuse of you and fucking with your head, but it went wrong?

NewEraNewMindset · 19/12/2014 07:32

I'm just really concerned this might be a ruse for you to think you are safe and leave the refuge so he can find you again.

CogitOIOIO · 19/12/2014 07:33

I'm sorry you're struggling. Refuge places are quite hard to come by. If you were offered one, the abuse will have been serious and I'm sorry he died before you had chance to properly acclimatise to your freedom and see him for what he was. He would never have engaged with your children in the way you describe, sadly. If he took his own life, that was entirely his decision. You're not only mourning the man but the fantasy of a future that was never on the cards.

Do you have access to GP and counselling services where you are? Please reach out for help.

FrontForward · 19/12/2014 07:37

It's all too easy to think if only I had... about the past. The thing is sometimes if only you had...then the ending would be a different sort of awful. Some situations do not have a good ending.

There is nothing good about his death but his hold on you and your family has ended and you must go forward positively for the children. If he was a man to mourn he would have wanted you to give them a good life.

Simile · 19/12/2014 07:39

You are grieving for the man you knew in those brief times when he was nice. You are also grieving for the lost times in the future when he could have been nice. Except he wouldn't have been.

Listen to your dd ds only talks about the bad times she does this because this is what has had the most effect on her. You protected her. You are a survivor. It is absolutely natural to feel all over the place at the moment.

He chose to do what he did. He alone is responsible for that. It is not on you.

Be kind to yourself. You and your DDs are what matter the most.

Simile · 19/12/2014 07:40

*dd.

MindReader · 19/12/2014 07:42

Clearly you had to leave to keep yourself and your children safe.
He then ramped up the abuse, even in your absence and 'made your life hell'.
None of that was your fault - they were ALL his decisions.

The father you would have liked to be involved in your dd's life was not anything this man could ever have offered you. It was an illusion, sadly.
You are mourning the (literal) end of that illusion.

I hope you are able to find some peace this Christmas (and ever onwards) for you and your beautiful children. Get some supportive counselling for you all and, (maybe after Christmas?), tell them.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/12/2014 08:04

I'm just really concerned this might be a ruse for you to think you are safe and leave the refuge so he can find you again.

My immediate thoughts too.

Quitelikely · 19/12/2014 08:37

If it was true as his spouse the police would have informed you I think? Have you had this confirmed by a reliable source?

Ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2014 08:38

Oh sweetheart

You did not do this. He did.

You are not to blame.

Agree with ^ - your dd only talks about the bad times because these are the ones that stand out to her. The good times were fleeting and could never compensate for the bad.

He was violent and abusive. You HAD to protect your DDs and yourself. You didn't have a choice.

Be kind to yourself

FannyFanakapan · 19/12/2014 08:47

You are grieving for the relationship that you imagined, not the relationship you had. You were never going to have the happy ever after with him, so part of your grief is the realisation that eg the two old codgers eating chips on the seafront after 50 years of marriage is just not going to happen - not with him.

You were not there to force him to take his life. You did not cause this, he could have taken steps to mend your relationship, to make things amicable, to move on. But he chose to punish you one last time. The ultimate two fingers.

BUT you have a chance of happiness in the future, with a new life ahead of you and possibly a new partner and that happy ever after. Let yourself grieve for the dream, for the rose tinted memory of what could have been. But know that it was just a dream,

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 19/12/2014 08:51

I remember your thread from last year. You HAD to leave. It was his choice, all of it - and this is his final punishment for you. But I agree that you need to be 100% sure that it IS true - because it could all be a ruse to draw you out, to get you to expose your whereabouts again so he can find you. Ask the Refuge if they can make enquiries as to the truth of the matter, they should be able to help out. I'm very much afraid that it's still an elaborate lie and you should be very careful.

Even if it is true, it's still his own fault entirely.
If he'd been a decent man, a decent human, you would never have needed to flee from him for your own and your DDs' safety - he wasn't.
If he was a decent human and father, you and your DDs wouldn't have been in fear while he was around - but he wasn't.
If he cared at all about his DDs, then he wouldn't have taken his life - it was the ultimately selfish act, designed to make you guilty and sorry for the rest of yours - and so far it's working.

Please please please check first with the authorities that it's true, do NOT tell anyone where you are, and if it IS true, please pity him for the selfish bit of skin that he was and let it go. He is not worthy of your sympathy; he has CHOSEN to do this. But - your DDs are free. They will never be twisted and pulled by his twisted abuse again - and this freedom is worth SO much.

((((hugs)))) for you - chances are most of your feelings are just reactive to the shock - but make sure first that it's actually true.

hesterton · 19/12/2014 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatsnotmynamereally · 19/12/2014 08:56

So sorry to hear about this. As others have said, it's not your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. You could not have prevented this.

Can you get some help, about how to deal with this and what to say to your DDs? You'll go through stages of grieving and I imagine your feelings of sadness and regret are totally normal at this time.

DayLillie · 19/12/2014 09:03

I think you need the people at the refuge to get confirmation from the police, before you do anything.

I know someone who sent a solicitors letter to his son to tell him he was dead (for a second time!) so it can be quite convincing.

You are safe your refuge at the moment. for you and your children.

MrMummychops · 19/12/2014 09:10

I'm sorry for your loss. However.
You are looking at him through grief tinted glasses. You are describing the good things that you miss. This is natural grief. Through time you will balance these thoughts with the other side of him that you don't miss.
He made his choices in life and chose not to continue it. His choice not yours. You are not to blame.
Just know that as time passes and you find yourself another partner (and it WILL happen). One that loves and cherishes you and you kids. He will become a distant memory. One that you are glad is past.

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