just over a year ago I had a thread running as I escaped my abusive and exP. follow on thread

[dingdongknockknock]

I had a thread running as I escaped my exp last December. exp wouldn't let me bf the baby

Just an update.

I'm still in a refuge. Its the second one as he found me in the first one. Now i wont be found again as he died. He died a few days ago.

He made my life hell for a year by dragging me through courts for residency, making malicious reports to ss.

Now he's gone. I'm free but don't want to be. I want to go back and I miss him, I just wish I never spoke out. I have taken DDS away from their daddy for good, he couldn't live with it

I got stronger then him doing the freedom programme. Then he ended our past. There is no future for us.

I'm a hypocrite I've never had a nice word to say about him for a year, I've slagges himb off totally. Now he's gone I can't stop crying and missing him.

DDS don't know yet. As he only saw them weekly then I got it cut to fortnightly at court I've just told dd1 I got the weeks mixed up.

When he was so low and down I was happy I got residency and was joking and laughing, he was ending his life. I thought it was a sick joke but now more people are texting saying sorry its not. Its real. DDs never going to see their dad again. Dd1 only talks about bad times but there was good times. Dd2 never going to remember her daddy. Dd2 never got to spend a birthday or Xmas with her dad I took that away from her.

He will never see the smile that I get when she wakes up, hell never hear her speak properly.

He will never get to see dd1 in a school play or hear her sing or see her dance.

I took all of that away from them. Now I'm going to have 2 grieving children all because I took them away.

So this is it. Im free but i don't want to be free this way. I want to still hate him.

A year ago he said he would kill himself. I told him to go ahead. Now he has.

My poor babies now got no dad. Why didn't I just talk to him at court. He looked at me as he walked out of the court room and I looked down a few hours later he was dead

I just want to turn the clocks back. He's gone never to bother me again.

Oh sweetheart

He made his choice to make you unhappy, his relationship unhappy, for you to be left with no options but to go into the refuge. You have the right to have residency and see your children at weekends too, all separated parents do. You were never responsible for his choices, why should you have suffered in silence just to keep him happy? You know even when you tried when you were living with him it was never enough, the abuse never stopped. It was his problem, not your fault. He chose to be dangerous.

I know some part of you still has feelings for him, you had children together, but his suicide is another choice he has made. As someone who has had a suicidal partner, you can't be responsible for keeping someone alive, or responsible for keeping them happy.

Please check the facts very carefully with the police.

He'd be smug and satisfied to know you were feeling like this.

Don't give him that.

I am very sorry for your loss, and I do second the urge to get proper confirmation of your exh death.

Bereavement counselling might help you come to terms with this.

As others have said, had he survived, he would never have been the man you hoped. How would you feel if you found out this was a trick to draw you out of hiding?

And had he known where you were, he may have taken you and your children with him on his suicide mission.

Very very sadly, given that he hunted you out of your previous refuge, this is the only way he will allow you freedom.

Good luck, keep safe.

My abusive H died, through illness.

For me, the relief of not having to deal with H again and the absolute freedom outweighed the loss of the DCs father.

I'm not sorry he died, just sorry I hated him so much because of his treatment of me and therefore not sorry he died; I don't think I ever grieved properly, I just couldn't cry because I loved and missed him, I just cried with relief from the dreadfulness of it all.

I remember your thread last year.
you did so well to get away.

I am really sorry he has chosen to put you and your children through this.

This is yet another selfish act in a life of selfish acts on his part. abusers are often deeply unhappy people. That is sad for them but that does not mean that they have the right to make others unhappy. Staying with an unhappy person who deliberately makes other people unhappy, does not help them and it certainly does not help you, it just spreads the misery. it is not important why abusers abuse (what their excuse is) the effect is still the same.

It is mark of how loving and caring a person you are that you can still care about him after all this.

Allow yourself to grieve. It is sad. It is sad for his children that he chose this for them. It is sad for you as i am sure you can imagine how it should have been not how it was.

I hope you all mange to get through this. Are there services you can access through the refuge for you and the children? grief counselling etc.?

But know that none of this, not ONE bit, is your fault. you did absolutely the right thing. The right thing for you and most importantly the right thing for your children. Focus your love and your kindness on your dc and be kind to yourself also. You deserved none of this.

so sorry - you need proper confirmation and then you need to call a bereavement helpline and talk it thru so you can understand this is not your fault.
your DC have you and will be fine.
(and the point made above about him not having taken the children with him...)

you will all move on from this.
you need to allow yourself chance to grieve etc.

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide is a charitable company limited by guarantee
in England, Wales and Scotland. National Helpline 0300 111 5065

9am to 9pm every day
uk-sobs.org.uk/

or call Samaritans.
talk about this to someone.

You did not do this to him.

The courts thought he was so damaging to your child they reduced contact. If they thought you were just acting maliciously they would not have done so.

He chose to do this. He chose to be so abusive you had no choice but to flee. Not once but twice.

The love you feeling him is a part of your goodness. It is what kept you hoping and staying so long.

Don't turn him into a poor sad person now he is dead. He was still the same abusive person.

I'm just really concerned this might be a ruse for you to think you are safe and leave the refuge so he can find you again.

Honestly my first thought too.

Please still be careful about giving out any info on where you are etc.

And remember he choose this, he choose to be abusive and cruel.

And remember he choose this, he choose to be abusive and cruel.

yy but even if you cannot bring yourself to believe he chose to be like that, or whatever the reason he was abusive, it is still a fact he was abusive and this would never have changed.

but also yy please be very careful until you are absolutely sure and even when you are be careful of his family. he did not end up like that in isolation. As i recall from your previous thread, they were not nice people.

stay safe.

My love, he couldn't find you to hurt you. So he did the next best thing and hurt himself, knowing it would cause you and the DDs pain and knowing you'd think you had to carry that pain for the rest of your life.

You don't have to do it his way.

You can be sorry he was so angry with the world he chose to end his life. You can be sad he was never strong enough to chose to engage with you and the DDs in an appropriate way.
But you cannot blame yourself.
It was his choice, his final act of desperate control.

All that said, please make sure this is reliable information. Speak to your support worker in the refuge before you do anything else. They'll have contacts in the police etc and can check this is true. Even if the messages are coming from people you trust, they could have been set up without their knowledge.

My heart goes out to you but you are grieving for the personLity of a man that died well before he physically did.

I can't help but think what might have happened if you hadn't have taken steps to protect you and your children. Yes he's gone, but you are all finally safe.

I agree with people who say that you need absolute proof that he is dead. I suggest that you don't believe anything until you have evidence like a death certificate.

You have done the right thing to escape from a horrible man whether he is dead or not. At the moment you feel shocked and guilty which is understandable but please don't waste your tears on someone who was so cruel to you and your children.

Unfortunately it is real. The Sw told me over the phone yesterday morning. Then I asked my solicitor if it was a sick joke. She hung up on me and phoned the legal team at ss and then called me back and its true. The police told sw. Then all of the other professionals involved texted me. All of the people I feared were against me have shown me so much support in the last 36hours. He's gone.

I went to my gp this morning amd got to go back when schools go back to have a proper chat. It was a gp who helped me through court etc.

We all believe it was a suicide attempt that went wrong as noone thinks hes attempted it before. For the last 7weeks hes gone downhill telling Sw what was the point in going on.

I've seen the workers from the refuge today as they weren't in yesterday and they are giving good support.

I've spoke to school nurse amd Sw about when to tell dd's we have decided as there is no benefit in telling them before xmss as its the first Xmas dd1 have been excited for we are not going to spoil it.

I just can't stop thinking about seeing him walking out of court. He looked so lost and his voice sounded so down. He looked at me and smiled and I looked to the floor and backed closer to the wall. Why didnt i just not look at him.

His family is not nice and the 3rd suicide in 15years in his family all men with dv at the bottom of it. His mum was much of a DM for him she showed no love or support for him. I was the first person who showed him love and support since his dad died. I just wish if he got help for that 15years ago he could have been different.

The least bit thing sets me off. I had to tell csa well the new version that died as they were updating his calculations. When the woman asked "is there anything else I can do?" I asked her to bring him back I want him back he can't leave me like this. I never knew I still had feelings for him until yesterday.

Little things keep setting me off. A conversation with dd1 about how much dad loves her and how excited she was to give him his presents. Shell never be able to as he's gone and gone forever. How can it be like this? It shouldn't be.

Oh lovely, I'm so sad for you.

But again - do remember that you are grieving the man who didn't really exist - and yes, you're right that he could have been different if he'd been brought up better, but you COULD NOT change his past, and you could NOT make him better. NO one could, except himself, and he chose not to try - he chose to take the easy way out for himself, leaving you with the fall out.

As your shock and grief for the man he could have been (but chose not to be) recedes, you will let it go. Your DDs will be sad for a bit, but they will adjust to their new normal very quickly. Do NOT let him overshadow the rest of your life now he's dead, as he did while he was alive.

Take all the help offered, ALL of it, even if you don't think you need it at the moment. There will come times when you do need it, and it may not be offered again if you rejected it the first time - so grab it all with both hands.

Remember - he brought this ALL on himself. ALL of it. By making wrong choices. Hug your DDs tight and remind yourself that you DID THE BEST THING for them, and for you. xxx

I'm so sorry. Before, there were so many different futures you could hope for, and now everything has changed.

But I don't think anything you could have said or done would have made any difference. He made his choice.

I know Winston's Wish help kids with the loss of a parent, have you been to their site?

I think you are feeling like this because its safe to.

You loved the man that wasnt abusive, you wanted to be with him all of the time but you had to escape because he wasnt like that all of the time. You accepted that although he could be a wonderful man that you loved, he was also a monster. You fought the love you had for the nice him in order to save yourself and your children from the monster.

Now there is no way you can go back, no way he will find you, no need to keep fighting your emotions so its safe to let them out. Do it. Dont hold back and let the tears come. Its part of your healing and after a while you will come to peace with all that has happened.

YOu did the the right thing when you escaped, deep down you know you did.

And I think something else will come to you soon, anger.

Anger at his attempt to manipulate you by attempting a suicide he didnt really mean. Anger at what his selfishness has done to your children. Anger that no matter what you do, he will always be in your head.

When the anger comes, embrace it.

He could have got help himself, instead it appears he decided to abuse you.

Hopefully you will come to see this in time.

It s ok now to build the good memories of him for dc and you.
You are free to remember him to dc as domineering who Did a good thing creating them .

But you lo have to remember it not your fault, you did the right thing getting away. And you have to remember he also was v flawed. And had. Bad side.

As someone who did good thing by creating your dc but for you remember he had a bad side too.

So sorry you are going through this. Of course he had a nice side and he was human and you had loved him. But you could not save him from himself, you did what you had to do to save yourself and your dds from him. He is the only one responsible for his actions.

Chin up!

It really hits me when dd2 wakes up as she always gives a great big smile which he never got a chance to see.

He agreed to the contact cut but it was only for 6months then we were going to progress with it. Yes it would have hurt me to do it unsupervised but it would have happened now its not.

Sw and school are going to get support in place for Jan for dd1 as we are telling her a few days before school so she falls straight in the support. There is no benefit telling her sooner and with bank holidays the professionals are not going to be around.

Its true the man I thought never existed its so hard to understand I'm free. I don't need alarms on my house don't need to worry about him finding me on Mn. He never will as he took a selfish way out again only thinking of himself never DC. Just him all the way through dd's lives he's thought about himself. He chose protein powder over a warm coat for dd1 so I had to buy it out of the food money then not have enough for food which caused problems especially as he wouldn't allow second hand.

Im taking all support had a problem with contact and his mum for today as I decided as dd1 does not know she will ask questions where her dad was so I couldn't allow it. So I passed it over to HV who sorted it and phoned me 10:30 last night to say its sorted.

Everyone is supporting me and helping me. The staff in refuge are there for me to cry on even though they knew what he did, they never spoke kindly about him (obvious with their job) but now they let me cry on them and told me the things I wanted to hear and also stuff I never wanted to hear such as its common for them to do this and as they said "he always dragged you down when you were happy sohe would have known you were jumping for joy at court, then he drags you down the worst wwy he could". They are amazing here they have helped so much, the last ones never helped these ones do but they also backv off to make you do it first so it feels like there is no support in early days but they come through and it will be a sad day when I leave but they got me to be the person I am today.

I just can't believe its happened. Why didn't he ask for help? He would have got it. I've got help for mh even though its not there yet its just to keep a close eye on me with past issues of depression.

I'm free but I don't want to be free this way. My poor girls have one parent left. I remember my mum dying when I was 16 and it was horrible and I thought she was perfect until I found out the truth. Dd1 has seen what her dad is like. My poor babu she's so small I don't want her to know, I want to keep it away from her but know she needs to be told. Someone who is involved with us will be telling her as I asked as I don't know what to say where they will.

Sorry I'm rambling.

Honey you and the girls will get through this, you're doing all the right things and you've been so brave for so long. I'm so sorry he's putting you through this too.

I didn't know you from the first thread so I only know what I can glean from this thread but is this not his last and greatest punishment for you? A sort of 'this will teach her, she'll be miserable now' type gesture? I know you feel now that your children have lost their father but have they also not just lost a lifetime of misery, manipulation and emotional abuse from him. Not to mention you.
You don't need to feel guilty. HIS actions caused you to leave. HIS continued abuse kept you away. HE made the decision to leave his children forever. All of these are HIS decisions, not yours.
Now you can be a wonderful parent to your children and none of you need live in fear any more. You have a potentially wondeful future ahead of you, don't let HIM take that too.