just over a year ago I had a thread running as I escaped my abusive and exP. follow on thread

[dingdongknockknock]

I had a thread running as I escaped my exp last December. exp wouldn't let me bf the baby

Just an update.

I'm still in a refuge. Its the second one as he found me in the first one. Now i wont be found again as he died. He died a few days ago.

He made my life hell for a year by dragging me through courts for residency, making malicious reports to ss.

Now he's gone. I'm free but don't want to be. I want to go back and I miss him, I just wish I never spoke out. I have taken DDS away from their daddy for good, he couldn't live with it

I got stronger then him doing the freedom programme. Then he ended our past. There is no future for us.

I'm a hypocrite I've never had a nice word to say about him for a year, I've slagges himb off totally. Now he's gone I can't stop crying and missing him.

DDS don't know yet. As he only saw them weekly then I got it cut to fortnightly at court I've just told dd1 I got the weeks mixed up.

When he was so low and down I was happy I got residency and was joking and laughing, he was ending his life. I thought it was a sick joke but now more people are texting saying sorry its not. Its real. DDs never going to see their dad again. Dd1 only talks about bad times but there was good times. Dd2 never going to remember her daddy. Dd2 never got to spend a birthday or Xmas with her dad I took that away from her.

He will never see the smile that I get when she wakes up, hell never hear her speak properly.

He will never get to see dd1 in a school play or hear her sing or see her dance.

I took all of that away from them. Now I'm going to have 2 grieving children all because I took them away.

So this is it. Im free but i don't want to be free this way. I want to still hate him.

A year ago he said he would kill himself. I told him to go ahead. Now he has.

My poor babies now got no dad. Why didn't I just talk to him at court. He looked at me as he walked out of the court room and I looked down a few hours later he was dead

I just want to turn the clocks back. He's gone never to bother me again.

I will tell you the same thing that I reminded myself after my ex attempted suicide about a year after we separated (due to his abuse of me and the dcs).... He makes his own choices. There is nothing that I can do to change that. I have to live my life and trust my own decisions and allow him to make his own decisions, even if they are bad ones.

You cannot blame yourself.

Glad you are getting support at the refuge and that support has bee put in place for dd. Again you have shown how strong you are putting your dcs first.

You could not fix him. And you cannot 'fix' this. Nothing can change what has happened. But what you can do is move on from it. Be strong. bring your girls up strong. It is in a way the last thing you can do for him. The girls are part of him too. Help them to be wonderful in a way that he could never have been.

As for what you tell dd2. For now you don't need to tell her much. It will be sad for her growing up without a dad. But the dad that exists in her mind as an imagined figure will probably be better than the reality ever could have been. So if she imagines him without all the bad points, i would maybe just leave her with that. In this case, what she does not know will not harm her.

As for "why didn't he get help?" - he didn't want help. He either wanted to do an "attempt" to get your sympathy and his own way, which might have worked had it not gone too far; OR he wanted to punish you for taking yourself and your DDs away from his abuse.

Either way, help wouldn't have been on his mind at all - and no one would have been able to reason with him or make him see that ending it all was not the way forward.

I'm so glad you're getting lots of support - I expect the Refuge workers have seen similar situations far more than you'd like to think :( so they're very well placed to help you through it - and sounds like the school will be on the ball for your DD1.

And just keep reminding yourself that you're all safe now.

You took nothing away from him, he took it all away himself when he abused you. You saved your children, you did the only right thing and got them away from this man. He could have turned on you, he could have turned on them. You kept your children safe, you put them first. YOu were brave and strong.

Well its a week today that he finally let go of the control of me.

I'm finally free.

Ive switched back to hating him.

I just keep thinking never once did he put DD's first. Even his last few minutes he put himself first. Not once did he think what it would do to DD's he knew what it was like to be brought up knowing how it felt knowing his dad had killed himself. Least his dad give all of his children a chance to remember him. Poor DD2 only 1 and never going to remember her dad, but he still did it. All because he couldn't control me any more, he always thought I would crumble and he could control the professionals especially when he realised they were females.

The first time I saw him in court I was a shaking nervous wreck. The week after I started freedom programme (which made me see what he was like) and when I had finished it a week after he saw me again and I wasn't shaking as much. I looked at him when I was took into the court room. I was still nervous and scared but I hid it well.

He did all of this. If he was the man I was missing last week. I wouldn't be doing the courses I am now and living where I have lived/living.

Shame now his mum is trying to control me. I beat the son I will beat her aswell, I'm not the same person I was a year ago when she last saw me. If she wants a fight in court. I'm willing to offer her it. I will offer contact but not yet, especially as DD's do not know and it will start questions "where is dad?" etc. I also want to know she is going to treat both DD's the same (only asked to see DD1) and some answers why she has only showed up twice in 7months. Where was she when DD1 wanted to see her?.

It seems to be effecting DD1 not seeing her dad. She knows she spends on weekend with me and one with dad. She knows she has not seem him for 2 weeks so she thinks shes seeing him this weekend. I've just told her "dad is poorly again" which was the excuse when his MH took a turn for the worse. That seems to satisfy her for now. She also got upset when she kept seeing his present and card and kept asking "when can I give dad them?" Ive told her soon. I've managed to sneak it out of the house so she can't see it and since then she has not asked apart from "when is it Saturday as I never saw dad last week so I see him Sat" I just changed the subject after telling her "dad is poorly so you will see him soon"

Hopefully next week she will be aware why she cant see her dad. I have all support ready to slot into place.

I'm going to put a box together for each DD with photos of their dad in them and the Xmas card he bought each of them. (all he's ever bought them the last year) So when they want to they can see the photos and card. I'm also going to frame the photos they have of their dad that he give them before contact started up again.

I'm still finding it hard to wrap xmas presents but I think it is because I am thinking a few days after their lives are going to be changed. But as it is going to be the last xmas of normal I need to make it special.

It's good to read your last update. You sound strong.

Just a question: why will you offer his mother contact with your DC? You say yourself she was an unloving mother, and now she is fighting you. It is unlikely to be in the DC's interest to have her in their life. She has no right to contact, you know. The only ones with rights here are the DC, and if someone is not going to be a positive force in their life, then that someone does not have a right to see them.

Children don't miss grandparents they don't know.

I am so sorry for your loss. I once feared that a similar thing would happen and I went to a counselor who told me 1) I would not be responsible and 2) suicide is a great form of revenge. Hard to hear but worth thinking about. Whatever... it was not your fault, you did the right thing to protect yourself and your dc. What if he had killed them? Or you?

Take care x

Just seen this thread, but I wanted to say how well you are doing.
Your initial reaction was natural, as it was such a shock.

I'm really sorry for your DC, but I know they will be ok because you are a great mum.

Hugs dingdong. It will take time to work through all this but you are doing well and you will get through it.
It will keep getting better and there is nothing left he can do. The aftershocks will die down. The ripples he has sent through your lives will get smaller and smaller until there is only calm left

I'm glad you are getting angry, OP. As said above grandparents have no legal right to see their grandchildren. If you think she will be a positive influence, great, but she can't take you to court.

Well that's good to know how she has no rights. She seems to beleive as I offered contact while dad had it she can carry on. To be honest I want to be free from it all. If she showed up to most contact it wouldn't be as bad her wanting it now. Her excuses were ridiculous. No childcare for her younger ones who are old enough to Ben left with her older children or all of the family she kept saying they had. The children are in secondary school

I will fight her all of the way. She will not get my children. I've changed so much in the last year she still believes I'm the push over. She backed off away from her other 2grandchildren as she was offered post box contact with one nd supervised with the other which she never liked. So she can backb off from me and my children. She has seen them twice in a year. The reason I was offering it was because the dc have no family apart from me. But one thing I've realised is we have a whole lot of friends. My phone is never queit with friends texting and their Xmas pile is now twice the size off them. So they don't need a family they have me.

You sound very strong. No they don't need her if she's toxic and nasty - blood doesn't make a loving relationship. You can just cut contact, change your number and don't give your address when you move on.

He was not a good man.

He was not a good father.

He chose to live and die like he did.

You have to be safe. Your dds have to be safe.

You did the right thing.

He, as usual, did the wrong thing.

I hope you're not being lied to about this. Keep secret for now until you get official confirmation.

You will feel better OP when the shock subsides.
I have one of these (same behaviour, abusive through legal and SS systems after split) still alive and making my life and the DCs lives difficult. Your ex would have done the same by the sounds of it. The effect ex p has had on our lives has been devastating at times.

You sound so much better now the shock has worn off a little - it's still sad for your DDs but in the long run they will be the better for not having his abusive influence in their lives.

It's true grandparents have no rights, so don't you let his mother bully you either. Just stay strong and together and keep doing what you're doing, which is the right thing for your DDs.

I hope you have a reasonable Christmas after all this - I'm sure your DDs will be as excited as can be and everything will go well. Love and strength to you all

You are all they need and more OP. Family are the people or person who will fight for them and keep on fighting to protect them and who always put them first and who love them no matter what.

This is what counts not genetics. Anyone who does not have their best ibterests at heart does not earn the right to be in their lives.

And lovely that you have such good friends.

Well that is 2014 gone. I was told this year would be very hard. I just never got told how hard it would be

I've faced moving to a new area as I was found, nearly losing the girls dragged through court and then losing exp.

Next year has to be better. It can't be worse.

Its effecting dd1. She has gone back stages. She knows she can't see daddy anymore. Shes gobe back stages wanting me all of the time, wanting me to dress her wanting me to cut her food. She seems a little soul lost. She won't sleep alone. Her daddy has gone and she can't understand why she can't see him.

It's not surprising, she's had a tough year, you all have, but he has you, a strong consistent loving mum, so in the end, she will be ok, you all will. I wish for you a peaceful calm happy and loving new year x

Sweetheart, if anyone was told how hard it would be, no one would ever be brave enough to leave!

DD1 will be upset, but she will get over it. Has she been told 'He died'. No matter her age, she needs to hear those words, not any others. Regression is ok, blimey, when my a Dad died I'd have chosen to have those things done for me if I could too and I was in my 40's. Honestly, she will be fine in time. Just reassure her that you aren't going anywhere.

A little bit of advice. Do not let your ex mil anywhere near your beautiful girls. She has no legal rights, nor moral ones ok. She damaged her DS, she's trying to control you and she will only bring bad stuff to your family. Friends are the family we choose, choose wisely and build a family for you all.

I hope now that you no longer need to live in fear of him, that you can move out if the refuge abd start to build a more 'regular' home & family for and with your DD's. Contact Winston's wish if you haven't already.

2015, the year you find your own feet! Xx

Unfortunately you cannot change what is, but you can make sure all your experiences have not been in vain if you use the information appropriately to prepare your children for life ahead. Of course you wish they could have known their dad through out their childhood, but was he really going to change? Highly unlikely, he sounds too damaged from what you say so they would have thought they were seeing daddy for contact but daddy would have been waging his control war bitter and angry that you were no longer in his grip. The way you keep this alive for the children is to tell them all they need to know about dads identity - how he looked; where he was born; where he grew up but do not miss out the fact that he was damaged due by the sounds of it, to an abusive upbringing of his own. As for the 'family' of course it would be nice to give the children a blood family but not at any cost; this after all is the family that helped create dad and all his issues, do the children really need a part of that. You do not break the cycle if you don't break free. Having a family of choice is much more important - and if you have good people in your life who love and support you and your children does it matter that they don't share the gene pool? When your children ask why theres no nanny or grand dad or daddy you say they were there but they had a lot of problems and mummy had to make a decision to protect you as children or stay together as a family but someone might get hurt. Children can learn positive things from this sort of experience so they do not end up in abusive relationships themselves in adulthood - if its all we know we choose it out of familiarity not seeing the warning signs until its too late. Don't let all your good work be in vain and don't be afraid to ensure your children have an age appropriate understanding that all was not well. Lies are what gets to children not tough experiences - they can be resilient and strong if they have a few strong role models to take courage from who give them lots of good love.

Her reaction is perfectly natural.
When I split up from DS's dad, he went through a stage of wanting to sleep with me more than usual. And that was fine.

Let your actions reassure her that you are there and you are not going anywhere.

But also I agree that she should be told in clear terms that he has died, if you haven't quite explained it to her.
She will need time to grieve in her own way.

We are now a few months in.

DD1 has been told "Daddy is in heaven" (told in jan) She has set some balloons to her dad in heaven. She has good days and bad days. Her good days she is amazing little girl, so smiley, chatty and a little but cheeky, she is decsribed as "having an infectious laugh that draws people to her". Her bad days she misses her dad, wishes I was in heaven and not dad, "dad never let us go anywhere, but now we go everywhere" (which is a mix of good and bad), tantrums like a 2 year old. So overall she is doing OK.

DD2 is now a typical toddler. She has the tantrums that beat all tantrums (all tantrums DD1 was to afraid to have at her age). Looks at her dads photos and says "man" but when asked "where is dad?" she points. It's hard to realise that she will never remember her dad. She has also caught up development wise. She is also such a happy smiley little girl. DD2 is described as "a little tornado that leaves a mass of destruction after her"

Both girls amaze me with how they cope with things.

Other news is we are now out of a refuge and got our own house. I have finally done it. I am in a stable house which feels like we have been in forever not a few weeks. This house was made for us. It was worth the wait. It is amazing my dream house. Both DD;s love it, I can't describe how happy we are in this house, it is really all my dreams in a house come true. We have an "adopted Granny" over the road and most of my neighbours are lovely.

SS are also now taking a step back. SS have also said it is not in DD;s best interest to see his mum (she did see the DD;s a few times with me present and it was noted "she is taking over from her son"

So I have done it. I am free, We are free from the abuse from all of his family. SS say their job now is to get me to make friends and then leave us.

I can't believe the change in a year. This time last year I was looking at being moved as he found me. Now we are "home" this area is home. This is where we have been destined to live as home. It really does feel like we have been here forever. I cant believe a year ago I was walking round crying saying "I hate it here I want to go back to X" "I'm never going to settle here" "It's horrible" now it is "I love it here" "I'm never leaving here" "X was horrible this is home"

What made this area home is the after the first court case I was scared and worried all the time coming back from court. I got into my area and it was as if the sun was shining bright (was a warm day but it seemed brighter) and as soon as I set foot on the path a calmness washed over me. I felt so much at ease and calm and relaxed and then I just knew I had to stay here and set up home. Which is what I have done. I won't ever leave this area unless a very good reason comes up.

Thank you for all of the support I have had since 2012 when I was first told on here my ex was abusive and all of the hand holds I have had since leaving. I have made a good friend on this site (she will know who it is "hi") who helped me loads especially that first day I left when she got a phone call saying "I've told!" and she was with me within hours and helped me through it all. I could never have done this without all of MN and my friend. (can't out her) If I never made that first post I most likely still be in an abusive relationship (I remember saying he only used to slap me, push me downstairs, hold a knife to my throat, not let me breastfeed, not allow me out alone as he loved me). I did the freedom programme and realised what he did from day one was abusive and I should have listened to the police officer who told me to run but then I would never have had my girls. Now is time to go and get my qualifications and live more of the life I have lost all the way through the years I have been controlled.

For anyone who is in an abusive relationship. Don't be afraid to leave, Yes it is hard and a big step. No-one can promise it will be easy but when you get to the end of the journey of freedom you look back and think "I'M FREE" If you have the right support it gets easier. I never thought I would get to the end and start living but I've done it and it feels great to know I've done it without family and with few friends. Good luck in getting away if you are in that position and support will follow you. MN is great support and there is always one person online most of the time to offer a handhold.

What an incredibly moving and inspirational update. You have come so far- and you and your girls have a wonderful bright new future.

Happy Mothers Day dingdong!
You are an inspiration.
You are FREE!

Amazing update, I have a lump in my throat. I hope that your threads and especially the update give others courage when they think they may not have any.
Mumsnet didn't exist when I needed help, sadly, but I read the threads on here now and am glad there is support for people who otherwise might have none