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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mother's been snooping

101 replies

mummyrunnerbean · 18/12/2014 22:08

Not sure what to do- basically have discovered my mother has been reading all my emails for months. She's seemed oddly telepathic on a few occasions recently and today I was round at hers and said something about something I KNEW I'd not told her about. I pushed a bit about how she knew and she said that she'd 'guessed' (that I'd sent a photo of DS to my father, whom she is acrimoniously divorced from). Hmm After a bit of thinking, I remembered logging into gmail on her PC about six months ago. Popped to have a look and sure enough it was logging in automatically, I then checked her internet history and she's been on it every day after checking her own email in the morning. She's been into all my deleted and sent folders too, and though luckily DP and I don't email each other I saw from the history she'd read through an entire three year relationships worth of emails from an old boyfriend!!! Which from memory included a fair few eye-wateringly dirty ones Blush. I'm so fuming about this- didn't say anything to her but obviously removed the automatic login and changed password. She has history with poor boundaries but as a breach of trust this really beats everything. Not. really sure how to tackle it though as she'll just turn on water works/ say she was worried about me since DS was born or since things have been difficult with my Dad etc. AND it's bloody Christmas next week and I don't want an atmosphere...

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2014 20:26

My DSis phoned to inform me that mother was 'driving around in tears' and I needed to go and find her

Ah yes, here we go - the totally expected dragging-in of other family members Hmm

Luckily you don't have to justify yourself to anyone else either - it's just more manipulation and if she wants to conduct opinion polls and turn on the waterworks with others, let her get on with it

DustBunnyFarmer · 19/12/2014 20:28

Good, get cross. She's behaved really, really badly. IME, getting angry started to kill off the obligation and guilt. You might be pleasantly surprised to find you care less (in a totally healthy way) about kow-towing to your mother's needs and wants in future.

scarletforya · 19/12/2014 20:31

but when the temptation is there some people are unable to resist

What nonsense. Nosy, invasive people aren't unable to resist, they don't want to resist. There's a big difference.

Op, you don't need all this crap. Black your mother and tell your sister that you're not going to be emotionally blackmailed into her stupid game playing.

If your sister wants to enable her that's her own problem. Be clear that you're not going to join in.

scarletforya · 19/12/2014 20:32

Blank your mother, not black your mother!

KatieKaye · 19/12/2014 20:36

Your mother sounds exhausting. I bet you could do with a break from her.

Yet again she is trying to make this about her - and yet at the same time she is refusing to accept responsibility for her awful behaviour. Her logic seems very skewed - she is upset because you have discovered her underhand and deceitful behaviour and that is supposed to make you feel guilty for upsetting her?

There are no "buts" in this situation. She was found out and is trying to make excuses, only for once you are not conceding. It must be very strange for her to not be in the position of power. And very good for her to finally learn that she cannot get away with her outrageous behaviour this time. Let your sister buy in to the "poor mum, she can't help it" myth.

There are no "buts" that can excuse her behaviour and you are perfectly entitled not to want to see someone who has behaved in this way to you. For a parent to behave this way to a child is an utter betrayal.

Your post about her previous form just shows how much you have put up with. her behaviour is not normal - it is all about attention seeking and refusal to accept that the real rules of life apply to her.

She sounds very toxic and limited contact can only benefit you and your family. She is never going to put anyone first, because she firmly believes that position is reserved for herself.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 19/12/2014 22:04

It's a script. She'll be ill next.

Just think OP, if you keep this up you can be free of the old bat over Christmas Xmas Grin

Vivacia · 19/12/2014 22:13

The only appropriate response from her was a quick and full apology. Do not be swayed by your mum and sister's reaction.

VitalStollenFix · 19/12/2014 22:19

I think it's brilliant that she's been driving round town and can't find your flat.

She'll have been building herself up to this whole dramatic manipulative attention seeking bullcrap scene and then she couldn't find your house.

I bet that drove her nuts!

Just carry on calming ignoring, it's the only thing you can do with such people. They get the way they are through years of people pandering (like your sister is)

OttiliaVonBCup · 19/12/2014 22:23

When you log in on Gmail scroll down and you will see Account Activity.

You can exactly where and when the account has been used.

queenofthepirates · 19/12/2014 22:30

I would be changing the ID on her home wifi to 'I am a nosy biddy so lock your doors' and see how long she takes to work it out.

Aussiebean · 20/12/2014 03:53

You now need to set your boundary with your sister.

Do not let her try and talk to you about this situation.

Shut it down whenever she tries to discuss it with you.

''You know what happened. It is between mum and I. I will not discuss this further with you'

She has already sent in one winged monkey. And there will be others.

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2014 08:04

I actually think you are at fault for some of this, you shouldn't have left your email logged in on her computer.

I know a few email/passwords combos for friends & a family member. I manage to live my life without reading all their personal info & if I did read their info, only I would be to blame, for the massive invasion of privacy, not for them for trusting me.

Not to mention the massive intrusion into the lives of others. There could have been information from op's friends in emails that she read, information that is personal & perhaps, delicate! When you read someone's email, you are not only violating their privacy, but the privacy of friends who confide in that person!

FWIW, my own mother used to snoop in my room when I lived at home. She knew details about my bank account (from statements) she knew details about my relationship with my dh (then bf) as she read our letters/notes to each other! NOTHING was private when I lived at home, and I tried lots of hiding places, but until I started asking dh to keep my private stuff at his she seemed to know everything!

differentnameforthis · 20/12/2014 08:07

Opps..posted too soon...

And it really bothered me. I was an adult the last few times she did it, and I felt totally violated that nothing in my life was allowed to be private, not to mention let down that she could do this to me.

I left home at 18 because her behaviour was suffocating!

stinkingbishop · 20/12/2014 08:41

Out of interest, how can you tell where your email's been logged into from? And how can you tell which messages she's read? And how do you know she does it after reading her own email?

Just in case I ever need to set up some surveillance of my own as I've also had the 'gosh you must be psychic' feeling...

Hope you get the unconditional apology you want and which is the only fitting response to the situation, and before Christmas.

OttiliaVonBCup · 20/12/2014 08:44

OP said she could see from her mother's internet history.

rjay123 · 20/12/2014 08:55

In case anyone else is worried about this, facebook and gmail have built in security features to show you where you are logged on.

Facebook:

On a computer, hit the padlock symbol at the top right of the screen. At the bottom of the menu, press see more settings. On the left hand side is a menu, select Security and then "Where you're logged in". From this you can end activity, and it will tell you where you are logged in from (this is a best guess, it isn't always 100% accurate).

Gmail:

On a computer, press the blue person button in the top right, then press account. A new page called account settings will open. On this page, scroll down to find Recent Activity, and select devices. This shows all devices and locations used within the last 28 days.

OttiliaVonBCup · 20/12/2014 09:08

So they moved it on Gmail.
It used to be right at the bottom of the inbox page.

OttiliaVonBCup · 20/12/2014 09:10

Oh it's still there.
Scroll down, on the right hand side it says "last activity"
Click on details and here it is.

rjay123 · 20/12/2014 09:16

Ottilia - good work!

d0ttyne11 · 20/12/2014 09:25

Aussiebean has v wise words on this.

Good luck OP xxx

Stealthpolarbear · 20/12/2014 10:51

I believe I could access my parents, ILs and the neighbours ' email accounts if I wanted to. I don't have any trouble resisting. I do check dh's but that's the arrangement we have

OttiliaVonBCup · 20/12/2014 11:22

This is exactly what my mother would do.
Down to the getting upset bit.

tiredvommachine · 20/12/2014 11:30

I'd have been livid. Well played so far OP x

MaryWestmacott · 20/12/2014 11:45

...well that was an irrelevant rant

not it wasn't irrelevant - she's pushed and pushed you at a time you should be able to rely on her.

It is when you are up against it and they still can't bring themselves to put you first is when you realise they never will.

GoatsDoRoam · 20/12/2014 16:50

You have done very well OP: ignoring her messages, stating your position, refusing her dramatic show-down, and standing up to your sister.

Well done.

The only appropriate response from her should have been abject remorse and apologies. The fact that she is desperately trying to place herself in the position of victim says it all. She doesn't get it, she will not get it, she is unable to treat others with the appropriate consideration and respect.

My own (similar) mother also drove over to have a showdown with me the day I sent her an email telling her that certain behaviour of hers was not on. In the middle of the night. 200 miles away. I live in a different country fgs. I ignored the doorbell, and she informed relatives that I must be having a breakdown Hmm

My relatives were wise enough to trust my judgement and not interfere, for which I am very grateful. If yours can't, just apply the same simple strength you have been showing so far: state your position, and leave it at that.

You are doing the right thing. Don't let anyone manipulate you into something that makes you uncomfortable, just so that they can feel more comfortable.

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