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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My mother's been snooping

101 replies

mummyrunnerbean · 18/12/2014 22:08

Not sure what to do- basically have discovered my mother has been reading all my emails for months. She's seemed oddly telepathic on a few occasions recently and today I was round at hers and said something about something I KNEW I'd not told her about. I pushed a bit about how she knew and she said that she'd 'guessed' (that I'd sent a photo of DS to my father, whom she is acrimoniously divorced from). After a bit of thinking, I remembered logging into gmail on her PC about six months ago. Popped to have a look and sure enough it was logging in automatically, I then checked her internet history and she's been on it every day after checking her own email in the morning. She's been into all my deleted and sent folders too, and though luckily DP and I don't email each other I saw from the history she'd read through an entire three year relationships worth of emails from an old boyfriend!!! Which from memory included a fair few eye-wateringly dirty ones . I'm so fuming about this- didn't say anything to her but obviously removed the automatic login and changed password. She has history with poor boundaries but as a breach of trust this really beats everything. Not. really sure how to tackle it though as she'll just turn on water works/ say she was worried about me since DS was born or since things have been difficult with my Dad etc. AND it's bloody Christmas next week and I don't want an atmosphere...

OP posts:

NewEraNewMindset · 19/12/2014 13:22

Wow. That's quite sick.

I'm afraid if my Mother was doing the same (not that I really use my email account bar ordering things) I would go NC over it. Huge breach of trust and really weird.

Joysmum · 19/12/2014 13:39

Trouble is, preventing her doing so in future doesn't cure the problem. The mum lacks boundaries and the OP can't trust her.

I like the 'you must feel so ashamed of what you've done' approach.

Even so, I think the OP should prepare herself for not receiving an apology or seeing much in the way of remorse

MaryWestmacott · 19/12/2014 13:45

I don't think confronting would work - it sounds like it'll end up being the OP's fault some how. OP, do you find yourself apologising a lot?

GoatsDoRoam · 19/12/2014 14:02

Depends what you mean by a confrontation "working"

Sometimes (such as in this case, imo), having the confrontation is a success in itself. Regardless of outcome

StackladysMorphicResonator · 19/12/2014 16:17

What Alpha said - quick, change your password back!

Seriously though, poor you, this is dreadful. Your mother's behaviour has been vile and there is no excuse that can justify it. She needs to apologies unreservedly, without excuses, make sure you make that clear to her.

ElizabethHoover · 19/12/2014 16:19

Just wow. The horror

Roussette · 19/12/2014 16:39

What's the point of saying "you must feel ashamed of what you've done".

She obviously doesn't feel the slightest bit ashamed - if she did, she wouldn't have snooped in the first place!

Joysmum · 19/12/2014 16:44

Oh I don't know. I'm no angel myself and have done things I've felt ashamed of afterwards. Not sure this be the case here but I reckon that's going to be the most effective way to get her to talk in way way that won't immediately go in attack mode.

Original poster

mummyrunnerbean · 19/12/2014 17:09

So after ignoring her FIVE calls this morning I texted to say 'You've been looking at my emails. This is a massive breach of privacy. I need some time to think.' Since then I have had a massive text saying she felt 'humiliated and manipulated' that I hadn't told her I was in contact with my father. That she looked once by accident and just happened to see that one. I have told her I now know she is lying and won't be speaking to her again until I'm ready. Cue more bombardment. She's probably going to drive over here now but I'm damned if I'm letting her in. I really just need some time and space to think!

OP posts:

Roussette · 19/12/2014 17:12

Agree joysmum. Attacking rarely works. I would let her stew a while and wait my opportunity for something to happen - perhaps when she questions why the OP hasn't told her something, then maybe say "I am unable to trust you because you have been snooping into my private emails and as I'm not sure about the state of our relationship, I don't want to tell you anything and I have no idea if that will change"

ruddygreattiger · 19/12/2014 17:42

Op, well done in calmly stating your case. Yes deffo ignore her if she does come round. Personally I would cut all contact with her for this, disgustingly intrusive behaviour like this would be the end. Stay strong op!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/12/2014 17:44

I have told her I now know she is lying and won't be speaking to her again until I'm ready

FWIW I think you've handled it well - you're under absolutely no obligation to talk about his until (and if) you're ready, and if that doesn't suit her it's just too bad

If she comes over to create an hysterical scene, you're also under no obligation at all to answer the door; not only would it avoid upset for yourself, but a period of silence might just give her a chance to reflect on what she's done ...

NewEraNewMindset · 19/12/2014 17:57

The master manipulator will always turn a situation round so something that is OBVIOUSLY their wrong doing becomes your fault.

My Mother and I are hardly speaking currently. What usually happens if I cut contact is some massively dramatic emotional episode that then requires my help. My fathers illness suddenly worsens, she has a crisis of some sort, my sisters children become seriously ill etc etc. I'm used to it, she upsets me by being insensitive, I react because I'm sick of it and then the emotional blackmail kicks in.

JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe · 19/12/2014 18:08

Batten down the hatches, mummyrunnerbean. Take the time and space you need.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 19/12/2014 18:10

This is exactly the sort of thing my mother would do - and one of the 7000 reasons why I am NC with her.

Whatever you do, do not let her in. She has already stomped all over your boundaries, and if you let her in you may as well roll over now and let her wipe her feet on you.

It's none of her business if you are in contact with her father. She is obviously a total control freak. Just keep ignoring her until you feel able to deal with it. Be prepared for another family member getting dragged in and telling you what a bitch you are for upsetting her though

KatieKaye · 19/12/2014 18:22

She is not going to accept that she is a liar and has grossly amused any trust you might have had in her. So keep repeating this until she does.

Her behaviour was truly awful and there is no reason for it other than nosiness.

Do not let her in intil you are ready

Meerka · 19/12/2014 18:34

Since then I have had a massive text saying she felt 'humiliated and manipulated' that I hadn't told her I was in contact with my father

ahahahaha. Poor, poor mother .... so humiliated .. and so very, very manipulated.

mummy what she's done is pretty bad. If you can see the funny side of her saying she is humiliated and manipulated, it will help you stand strong when her tears get to you. She's on the attack now becuase she knows very well indeed she's in the wrong.

And agreed, do not let her in. How will you handle it if she starts crying and/or raging? Plan now, from minor ("no, you can't come in, I will contact you when I'm ready" via "please stop shouting" to "either go away or I'll call the police", if she'd be that bad). Planning helps a great deal in handling extremely tricky people.

Joysmum · 19/12/2014 18:49

Funny that. I wonder what she could possibly see as you manipulating her into snooping on all your emails!

As for the humiliation, good.

AlpacaYourThings · 19/12/2014 19:00

Humiliated? That's some cheek! I would be humiliated if my DM read my sex-emails!

qumary · 19/12/2014 19:01

This is so upsetting and she has completely betrayed your trust. A member of my family did similar to me. I felt I couldn't face them again and we are now NC.
I miss this person and their family and if they had only apologised I might have worked things out with them-but they don't seem to think they have done anything wrong.

If she can't respect boundaries she is forcing you to put very strong boundaries in place.
I am sorry that this has happened to you.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 19/12/2014 19:04

I would tell everyone what she has done too and make sure she knows you have told them - especially your Dad. See how she likes that!

candidconfessions · 19/12/2014 19:05

Wow your mother is a nightmare. Stay strong. Repeat: you have breached my privacy. I need time. I'll speak to you when I am ready. Repeat as often as you need without adding any other colour or detail.

d0ttyne11 · 19/12/2014 19:20

You have done so so well here OP. I too felt sick reading this and I'm so glad you have had the conviction to deal with it so maturely. It's ghastly of your mother to do that. This may be one pivotal moment to reference (even to yourself) I'm future. X

Original poster

mummyrunnerbean · 19/12/2014 20:09

Well she tried to come over but apparently couldn't find our flat (we only moved two weeks ago and the only time she's been she was following me). My DSis phoned to inform me that mother was 'driving around in tears' and I needed to go and find her. I declined, not least because am in the middle of trying to put the baby to bed. Explained situation to DSis and got a lot of 'yes of course she shouldn't have but...' The excuses for her behaviour are endless, but I am utterly fed up with her. She has been a nightmare since the baby was born - he and I were in hospital for a week and she couldn't visit due to a heavy cold, (which she told me was unreasonable and the midwives were just 'enjoying their perty authority), she bombarded me with phone calls day and night disturbing the little rest I got, and when DP got home each night (we were staying with her in between houses) she cried to him about how unfair I was being and how hard she was finding it. Once I was home she constantly criticised me breastfeeding, visibly shuddering every time I tried, and expected me and DP (basically me as he was back at work) to cook for her every night as we'd have had to cook in our own place. Actually, DP's parents and extended family were falling over themselves to help but kept saying they wouldn't as 'surely mummy's mum is looking after you both!' Ffs I didn't expect her to do much but the odd cuppa would have been nice! Or even not creating extra work for me running around after her!!

OP posts:

Original poster

mummyrunnerbean · 19/12/2014 20:09

...well that was an irrelevant rant, I am just getting crosser and crosser though.

Sorry

OP posts:

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