I have done something awful and I need to be brave

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I have NC, I am a regular here.

I don't know where to start, sorry if its garbled. I have been with DH for 18 years and we have two dcs, 10 and 15. Nine years ago he did something which really upset me and I have never really wanted to forgive and I shall never forget. For the first 9 years of the relationship he watched porn whilst knowing that I really felt unhappy with this. He agreed to stop. I would suss and check and find it all over again. This cycle continued until eventually I found him on dating sites and adult hook up sites. I threw him out and felt nothing but relief. However two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant with dc 2 now aged 10.

I cannot and I never will forgive him or completely trust him.

But I fear I have probably done worse. I have been so unhappy, so alone, for the last nine years, always wanted to leave but somehow thinking that staying was better for my children.

A year ago I met OM, I have tried to end it, I have gone no contact, I have once in August tried to end things with DH. I feel so torn. DH wants to keep trying at this relationship even when I told him what I had done. OM says he loves me and won't stay away. I feel I should be loyal to DH and my children but I can't not have OM in my life. He is the only man I could honestly say that I am in love with. I have never been in love before. I know that he is the person I want to be with forever.

I can't get DH to agree to leave, he refuses. I am scared to cope on my own as I have a very small income, I am frightened that he will sit here making me suffer, and I actually feel intimidated.

I just need to talk to someone because I need someone to tell me it is OK to leave this relationship. Somehow the guilt makes me feel that I don't deserve to be happy.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Jorro, I am sorry about what I have done because I have lied. I feel bad about the deception to the degree that it effects my health. I wish I could just be completely honest. I told DH in May and at the time he said "well I don't like it but I don't want to lose you" he then said he would give me a couple of months to work out what I wanted. It was at this point that life for me became very much worse. Eventually I agreed not to see OM and try and make things better at home. I have tried, just as I have tried for the last 9 years.

He said a funny thing today "Are you happy, you don't seem happy" I didn't know what to say. I dare not say I am not happy but I am finding it harder to play charades.

[jorro]

I'm not judging you, TheGuilt. I just have a small problem with the double standards on this forum.

People have affairs. He sounds awful, I don't blame you. Unlike others, I don't see affairs as the worst thing a person can do. I just think that if a man had done the same, the pitchforks would be out before he'd finished his fourth sentence.

Best of luck with everything and don't beat yourself up too much.