I have done something awful and I need to be brave

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I have NC, I am a regular here.

I don't know where to start, sorry if its garbled. I have been with DH for 18 years and we have two dcs, 10 and 15. Nine years ago he did something which really upset me and I have never really wanted to forgive and I shall never forget. For the first 9 years of the relationship he watched porn whilst knowing that I really felt unhappy with this. He agreed to stop. I would suss and check and find it all over again. This cycle continued until eventually I found him on dating sites and adult hook up sites. I threw him out and felt nothing but relief. However two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant with dc 2 now aged 10.

I cannot and I never will forgive him or completely trust him.

But I fear I have probably done worse. I have been so unhappy, so alone, for the last nine years, always wanted to leave but somehow thinking that staying was better for my children.

A year ago I met OM, I have tried to end it, I have gone no contact, I have once in August tried to end things with DH. I feel so torn. DH wants to keep trying at this relationship even when I told him what I had done. OM says he loves me and won't stay away. I feel I should be loyal to DH and my children but I can't not have OM in my life. He is the only man I could honestly say that I am in love with. I have never been in love before. I know that he is the person I want to be with forever.

I can't get DH to agree to leave, he refuses. I am scared to cope on my own as I have a very small income, I am frightened that he will sit here making me suffer, and I actually feel intimidated.

I just need to talk to someone because I need someone to tell me it is OK to leave this relationship. Somehow the guilt makes me feel that I don't deserve to be happy.

[Twinklebells]

Bloody hell - your husband is gaslighting and abusing you. Hiding your meds - salt in your tea?? What flipping planet is this ever acceptable. You need Women's Aid and you need them today. He works in mental health - that gives me the chills you saying that. He is using his knowledge to abuse you. V v scary indeed.

And an OM who is so forceful has many red flags - I think you may be going from the frying pan to the fire. You need the Freedom Programme too btw.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

You mentioned family antiques in the house? Are they valuable? If so, can you sell them and use the money to escape?

I have family antiques. I love the thought of passing them to my children and them remaining in my family for generations. But do you know what I like even more? The thought that one day these objects (as that is all they are) could help rescue my great great granddaughter from a violent and abusive man. To leave my descendants the ability to escape if they need to. That really would be a wonderful legacy to leave.

[RubbishMantra]

In think in a previous post you said your dad lived nearby? Is staying with him an option?

I agree with everybody else - you're living with a dangerous abusive man. Your priority is to remove yourself and DC from that situation, then things will become much clearer.

[RubbishMantra]

"He works in mental health - that gives me the chills you saying that. He is using his knowledge to abuse you. V v scary indeed"

Wholeheartedly agree with you there.

[DistanceCall]

Leave. Quickly. And don't move in with the OM straight away - see how things work between you once you are "free".

But please leave. Your situation is extremely damaging to all parties involved (starting by you).

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Twinklebells yes it has felt at times as though I am losing my mind. I know I am not. I have no history of depression even. Not sure how I should be barking mad by now.

I don't think OM is waving flags. I might not be the best person to say though.

Mumof some and some. Brown furniture doesn't command high prices at the moment. The dcs have stuck labels on some of it already!! I can't bare to sell the contents of their home.

RubbishMantra dad is literally next door, attached and there is no room. Besides it would be horrendous because he is old.

DistanceCall one of the reasons I so desperately want to hold on to this house, the dcs home is because, I shall never move in with a man. I never have moved in with a man. All those years ago DH moved in with me. I would feel too vulnerable. What if OM decided one day that it wasn't what he wanted, I would have no secure base to have dcs.

Somehow I shall have to weather this. I can't ruin Christmas for dcs and family. But I am back to get advice again in the new year. I think I just have to keep things normal until I can actually start things moving. I can sleep in my study and just disengage, but he will make it hell :(

[CheeseBuster]

You're the cheat you should leave.

[Windywenceslas]

Your husband sounds like a very dangerous man. Leave, get a job, speak again to your solicitor, they sound like they know what you need to do. Once you're free, then and only then, see what happens with OM.

Fwiw OM also sounds controlling, but likewise, he could also be scared for your safety in a house with your dangerous husband. Make sure you're very sure which it is before entering a proper relationship with OM. It isn't unusual for controlling and abusive men to pick partners who are or have been in dreadful relationships.

[IrishBloodEnglishHeart]

If only life were that simple eh Cheesebuster

[Charley50]

I think your husband should be the one to leave. He's abusing you. I'm sure that legally he can be forced to leave. Yes it will be messy and police involved but why should you and your children leave your home. I would go back to that solicitor you saw before.

[Coyoacan]

If needs be sell the antiques, I would go back to that solicitor you saw before and get your dh out and a non-molestation order in place. Then take the freedom programme. I don't feel that there is enough information here for me to have any opinion about OM, but it looks like your boundaries are not where they should be as regards how a man can treat you.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Thanks CheeseBuster so you would be fine with your dh watching porn, being on adult hook up sites and going about with condoms in his pocket? Yes...

I know what I have done is wrong. I know I am hurting him, even if he is abusive or controlling, I suspect I have still hurt him. I'm sure he wouldn't recognise himself as controlling, but I know I have been deceitful.

I will go back to solicitor in New Year. She was lovely and very helpful, I have told her about OM too but she basically said that the most important thing was to separate and safely, then worry about that. I will ask him to leave and if need be I shall just have to sell some things and help him find somewhere to live. Anything that makes this as pleasant as possible.

Thank you to everyone who has been kind.

[springydaffs]

Dear God, this is domestic abuse proper. The sort of thing refuges are there for.

this is such a godawful mess, op. You are in an abusive relationship. He has pushed you about, bit you, raped you, hides your meds. THIS IS DOMESTIC ABUSE.

Incidentally, how was your health before your abuser was on the scene? I wouldn't be at all surprised if your health rapidly improved once you stop breathing in the poison that is your ex. Incidentally, your kids are breathing in that poison, too. Staying with this monster 'for the kids' is desperately misguided - it is far more harmful for them to be in this poisonous hoe. Just because they don't see it (I hope?!), doesn't mean they won't feel the effects on the deepest level.

Whether or not OM will be a safe landing is neither here nor there. Tbh the chances are that he is not the best choice as you are currently being abused and have been for years: your decision-making around men won't be too hot tbh. But PLEASE contact Womens Aid (0808 2000 247, call at night if possible, lines are busy during the day), go on the Freedom Programme - I have linked you to the page that finds a course near you. Go, it will open your eyes.

Your lawyer was RIGHT to want to get a restraining order out on your husband. He has ground you down to such a point - no wonder, after so long - you are terrified of more nastiness. Get the right people behind you (eg Womens Aid, Freedom Programme) and you will get stronger in a remarkably short time. If you can't do it for you, PLEASE do it for your kids

[Twinklebells]

Good for you seeing a solicitor - a very positive step indeed. Hook up sites and porn - yuck indeed. My ex went the same way. Good riddance.

You will be grand, and even without the OM your future is looking much brighter and happier already.

[springydaffs]

You feel sorry for your husband???

He bites your face, says 'YOU'RE MINE', then rapes you. And you feel SORRY for him???

Love, he knows exactly what he's doing. He may or may not know it consciously (who cares?) but he knows full well that in his eyes you are his possession. How you feel about that is irrelevant to him.

[NotOneThingbutAnother]

Are we having a Mumsnet gone mad evening? Are the posters telling the OP its her fault, she would leave etc actually reading the thread, at all? Her husband is dangerous, OP needs on-going support to get him out of the house, sod the OM.

[ChrisMooseAlbanians]

This is domestic abuse. Please contact women's aid. Please.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Springy thank you for the link. I am going to have a good look at it tomorrow. He is out for a bit tomorrow. He is following me around from the moment he gets home. It drives me mad. He hugs me and I just freeze. I stand absolutely still. He is busy at the moment but god how I wish I could just be at peace.

I know this has probably damaged me. I used to be quite affectionate person. OM and I had words once, instead of being honest I clammed up and said "Oh I'm happy with my life" he said "he (Dh) will never leave you" when he went to hug me I stood absolutely still, like a board, frozen. Any stress whatsoever and I just lock myself in and can't even respond.

I know I am sane, and for the most part I seem to cope but I know that this acting happy business has taken its toll. I will ring women's aid and get some advice. But I can't bare the idea of leaving him in my home. Its Dcs home too.

[Twinklebells]

The Freedom Programme online is free here too btw

www.onespace.org.uk/learning/

[springydaffs]

You won't need to leave him in your home. I assume lawyers are bound by client confidentiality - more's the pity because SS need to know the kids are living in a house with an abuser. Have you been to the domestic abuse dept at your local police station? Tell them about it - they'll have him removed. You won't have to embroider it, the facts are there in black and white.

All the time you are tip-toeing around trying to stop him from kicking off you are acting exactly true to form for someone who is a longstanding victim of abuse (feeling sorry for him comes under that heading, too). You are also traumatised (re freezing) - it's no surprise, lovely

[springydaffs]

It's good to do the Freedom Programme any way but imo it's better to go to the group if you can. You meet other women in the same or very similar situation and it opens your eyes. Doing it online is great but there's nothing like getting it out there in real life. The women are smart, lovely women, not the bedraggled stereotype cliche. In my group there were wife/partners of lawyers, judges, architects, milkmen, lorry drivers. All lovely women, trying to get free. The teaching is also second to none, the facilitators very well trained and sensitive. It's a safe place.

[springydaffs]

Mind, we were all pretty bedraggled on the quiet

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

thank you. It's difficult to accept its abuse I suppose because you always assume that violence is hitting people. A friend suffered for years and I helped her but then her husband was actually very violent. So I think I have minimised the thing. He can be very loving and seems kind but I always feel he is doing it to get a response that he wants. Because its so full on and over the top it seems unnatural. I can't reconcile this behaviour with the lying, cheating, mean and nasty turn he takes when I don't just capitulate. He doesn't even notice that I seem sad.

Its odd, for years I have just thought that is how he is. But logically and intellectually in my head I know that even the nice behaviour is coming from some place where its just put on. I once described him to OM as being like a cardboard cutout, because his mannerisms are either over the top or there is nothing. Its weird to even try and explain.

I have just listened to him on the phone. Someone is ill and he is gushing and his tone and words are completely over the top and out of sync, innapropriate like he is having to pretend to feel emotive and empathic.

Right off to delete history.

[Twinklebells]

I agree doing the programme in person is best - online is still an eye opener.

I used to wish my ex would just bloody hit me - then I would know it was abuse. But it was only doing the programme and reading lots here that I realised I had been abused for years - insidiously and cunningly. It really was a scales falling from the eyes moment. Awful realisation though, and a lot to come to terms with.

[springydaffs]

Me too, Twinkle. It took me years to get to eg Womens Aid because I thought I was a fraud - after all, he never hit me. Once there, at a group for victims of DA, every woman who had been hit said she much preferred being hit to the invisible mind-bending abuse. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse.

You have him there, OP. He doesn't feel things and he has to fake it, as you say. What he does feel, very powerfully, is that you belong to him to do with what he wants. He is only 'nice' to get you back in line. It's not genuine. Perhaps read Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward, which was a great help to me when I was trying to make sense of my situation. On the same amazon page I have linked is THE book, an absolute bible for victims of domestic abuse, Lundy Bankcroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' I don't know how you're going to get the chance to read them but do try - perhaps ask your local library to hold them there for you?

Anyway, you'll hear all about this at the Freedom Programme. You have been physically assaulted, too. Awful (((hug)))