I have done something awful and I need to be brave

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I have NC, I am a regular here.

I don't know where to start, sorry if its garbled. I have been with DH for 18 years and we have two dcs, 10 and 15. Nine years ago he did something which really upset me and I have never really wanted to forgive and I shall never forget. For the first 9 years of the relationship he watched porn whilst knowing that I really felt unhappy with this. He agreed to stop. I would suss and check and find it all over again. This cycle continued until eventually I found him on dating sites and adult hook up sites. I threw him out and felt nothing but relief. However two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant with dc 2 now aged 10.

I cannot and I never will forgive him or completely trust him.

But I fear I have probably done worse. I have been so unhappy, so alone, for the last nine years, always wanted to leave but somehow thinking that staying was better for my children.

A year ago I met OM, I have tried to end it, I have gone no contact, I have once in August tried to end things with DH. I feel so torn. DH wants to keep trying at this relationship even when I told him what I had done. OM says he loves me and won't stay away. I feel I should be loyal to DH and my children but I can't not have OM in my life. He is the only man I could honestly say that I am in love with. I have never been in love before. I know that he is the person I want to be with forever.

I can't get DH to agree to leave, he refuses. I am scared to cope on my own as I have a very small income, I am frightened that he will sit here making me suffer, and I actually feel intimidated.

I just need to talk to someone because I need someone to tell me it is OK to leave this relationship. Somehow the guilt makes me feel that I don't deserve to be happy.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Thank you everyone.

I can't leave. I live next door to elderly father who I'm close to. I can't leave my children. The house is furnished with family antiques and the rest I have paid for. I used to earn twice what dh earns, I supported us for years while he procrastinated and refused to get better jobs.

I think my eldest son knows but on a day to day basis I try to keep everyone happy. After nine years I'm quite accomplished at putting on a smile.

Dh was checking emails etc, at a time when we had agreed to try separation under same roof. It was horrid. He put pressure on me constantly. I gave in.

[WannaBe]

"I have little will to do anything if I can't be with OM"

Op, if you are leaving your marriage to be with om then it is for the wrong reasons. You can leave your marriage, you are choosing to stay with your husband and to have your om on the side at the moment. If om leaves you tomorrow what will you do then? because therein lies your answer.

You do know that if you leave your marriage in to the arms of om that won't be your happy ever after don't you? You do know that people will judge? you'll lose friends over it, your children may find out in time that the om was the reason for the breakdown of your marriage and then they may reject you both?

I am actually surprised at the level of sympathy you've been getting on here. You've been in an unhappy marriage for years, I understand that. You met someone else and that made you realise that you don't want to be in your unhappy marriage any more, I understand that as well. Affairs happen and the reasons behind them are often complex.

But the point at which you stepped over the line into an affair was the point at which you should have ended your marriage. The point at which you continued your affair even though your dh knows about it is the point at which you ceased to be a victim in this any more.

Affairs are often a symptom not a cause of an unhappy marriage, but they are not justified and they are not romantic happy ever after escape scenarios. they create victims, they hurt people and most of all they are built on lies, deception and the loss of integrity.

End your marriage. that is your choice to do so. If he won't leave then you leave, it's you who wants out after all. But end it with your om also, be on your own and then in time you will realise where your life is heading. But you cannot build a future on the destruction of your marriage, a destruction in which you are now playing an equal part.

Your h may have messed up in the past but he is not responsible for your actions at the moment and whatever he's done in the past he doesn't deserve to be cheated on. no-one does.

You have turned yourself into a clichet, "my husband doesn't understand me and we've been unhappy for years hence why I can carry on seeing om who I love." no. your husband has made you unhappy for years, then leave him.

[Isetan]

Stop looking for excuses; your H is selfish, your kids, OM won't stay away, your health etc. OP you have to accept responsibility for staying all those years ago and now you have to accept responsibility for leaving now.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I do, I know. Crying now, because I know you are both right.

[Bonsoir]

It is quite all right to leave your husband - your relationship has been going nowhere for years!

[Bonsoir]

What a horrible, unhelpful, judgmental post, WannaBe.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I am not leaving my home though. I'm a student. I will not leave dc here with him.

There are reasons why I would never leave them with him. I gave up work for my children because I couldn't leave him with them when they were small. But then I gave up my independence and lifeline. I had a choice between welfare of dc or financial security. Besides for years I did more.

He has to leave, I just need him to understand its over.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I don't hate dh, I care after 18 years you do. But he will not accept its over. I tried in aug but he was horrid. He pushed me on the bed, bit my face and said "you are mine"

I'm scared of how much hostility and nastiness he display.

[WannaBe]

oh come on Bonsoir. Can you imagine the opposite on here? "i found out a year ago that my h was having an affair. We had some issues early in our marriage with me using porn, but we resolved those and have been together now for ten years. Now h says that it's over and he's been unhappy for all this time. We're still living in the same house but he is still seeing the ow. He says it's all my fault, he won't leave because he is the primary carer for our dc so I have to be the one to leave." What do you think the response would be? sympathy? cries of "you have obviously been a bitch to your h for all these years so of course he found someone else,"? I don't think so somehow, do you?

as I said upthread, affairs are raely black and white and they do happen. But the fact is that the op is using every excuse in the book to justify her having an affair while still staying with her h.

If her marriage is unhappy, and it sounds from her op that it is, then she needs to leave. no-one should stay in an unhappy relationship, no-one on here has disputed that. But carying on an affair with an om while deciding how and when to end her marriage is not the right thing to do.

I don't judge the op for having had an affair. But now she knows she doesn't want to be with her h she needs to end the marriage. it is that simple.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Its ok wannabe, please keep posting. Your situation is similar but not the same and its helping me too. I'm sorry this thing has happened to you.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Oh sorry, not read that correctly, but you are right. Posted on phone and crying! Right must paint face and deal with the day

[WannaBe]

ah no sorry op that was just a comparison iyswim?

tbh you need to separate the two issues. it does seem clear that you are unhappy in your marriage. This is your priority atm because you cannot stay in an unhappy marriage regardless of whether or not there is someone else in the picture. If your h refuses to see that it is over then you need to be blunt, file for divorce if need be and hammer home the point. And tbh it may be easier to do that if om is out of the equation, because right now your h sees om as the reason why your marriage is over, not the reasons which led you to the affair in the first place.

wrt the om, it is much, much easier to leave an unhappy relationship when you feel there is somewhere to go. It is IMO the reason why so many people have affairs, as unpaletable as that may sound on here. But that still doesn't justify them, and being in an affair does unfortunately put you in a place of equal responsibility for hurt within a marriage. You need to end the affair, cut contact with om for now. End your marriage cleanly and then see where the land lies. It is far better for you to leave your marriage because it is unhappy, even if that means being on your own for now and then finding love again with the om or someone else, than to leave it for the om, realising that it doesn't work out with him either and then finding yourself on your own.

You cannot rely on om to be there to help you out of this. you need to end this marriage for you and if it is meant to be with om he will still be there when you've left the marriage.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

You want out so you need to be the one who leaves. You don't have to leave the children they can go with you unless a judge decides otherwise. Decent 50/50 access would be good as your DH doesn't deserve to lose his kids as you have found another man.

He looked at porn and websites but you agreed to give your marriage a second go. Spouting you were still unhappy doesn't give you the right to cheat. Cheating is far worse than watching porn.

You sound like you want your cake and to eat it. You don't want to leave, don't want to lose the income your husband provides etc. If you don't want to be married, then leave. Chances are the relationship with the OM will fizzle out anyway given its starting foundation is an affair.

Nobody having an affair is thinking of the children or they would never do it.

If this was reversed the man would be torn apart for the affair yet somehow lots seems to excuse women for them.

[ellyholmes]

Hi

I just read your post about how your husband behaved in August - the face biting - and how you feel pressured by him to stay.

It sounds to me like he is quite controlling. I am disturbed by the face biting and the saying that 'you're mine', and that you're afraid of him.

What are you afraid he might do?

As a therapist, if someone told me that their husband had bitten them and that they were afraid of him, all sorts of alarm bells would be ringing.

You can petition for divorce (on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour) without him leaving the home. I think he would probably realise you were serious if you did that. . However, if you think he might become violent or abusive, perhaps you might want to get some advice from a group like the national domestic helpline (0808 200 0247) first, as abusive partners are often most violent when the other partner tries to end / leave the relationship.

Take care

Elly

[skylark2]

"OM says he loves me and won't stay away."

I think you need to be very sure that you're not jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Isn't this exactly what your DH is doing which makes you so unhappy?

If you told him to stay away then he should have stayed away.

[IrianofWay]

"I think you need to be very sure that you're not jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Isn't this exactly what your DH is doing which makes you so unhappy?

If you told him to stay away then he should have stayed away."

Yes. Exactly.

Also don't forget that there will be element of forbidden fruit with this man - you have had 3 LTR and weren't in love with any of them. But OM pops up and lo and behold! He's the one. Most people fall in love multiple times over their lives - you have to ask yourself if it's the nature of your relationship that makes you feel this way, rather than the man himself.

I think it's clear your marriage is done with but not at all clear that OM is the answer.

[Twinklebells]

If he is pushing you and biting your face you need Women's Aid and a shit hot lawyer - and fast.

Your children will have picked up on the way he treats you and by not dealing with your marriage you are showing them a blueprint for what a relationship should be like. For this reason alone you need to end things.

I think you should end it and be alone for 6 months to a year and then see how things stand with the OM. You need them to be separate and you need a clear head to sort things out.

[GoatsDoRoam]

OM says he loves me and won't stay away.

OM does not respect you, then.
I don't like the sound of him: I think he has been a useful distraction in getting you to realise you really need out of your marriage. But if he doesn't respect your wishes, then he doesn't respect you as a person in your own right. Don't make the mistake of flying straight out of your marriage and into his arms.

Sweetheart, you can leave a marriage that makes you unhappy on your own two feet. You are entitled to leave, at any time. But you should not use OM as a crutch in order to leave. Do it for yourself.

Btw, your husband sounds terribly controlling. I understand the excuses you are making not to leave - many of us have been there. But honestly, you need to get to the point where you stop making excuses.

It's hard to leave. It's even harder when you're being controlled and manipulated, we know. But many women before you have done it, and you can too. Women with no money of their own, with children, with no close relatives to turn to, with joint finances, with a feeling of responsibility toward their stbx partner... women in all these situations are still able, every day, to leave. When they realise that they can, and that it is down to them to take that step, or nothing will change and their misery will remain.

It is possible. You can do it. We believe in you.

[Twinklebells]

OM sounds as controlling as your husband don't you think?

[Destinycalls]

Do you think if you started divorce proceedings he would become violent towards you?

You can divorce someone and with the financial order/mediation he would have to leave but keep a financial interest in the house. The mother almost always gets custody and stays in the house.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Thank you all, my OP was quite garbled. Just a couple of things
WannaBe he was checking emails etc, when we had already agreed to separate and he refused to leave the home. GoatsDoRoam other man has said he loves me, he hasn't said that he won't leave me alone. I have pushed him away four times. He does make contact again and I have reciprocated each time.

elly I got some advice in Aug from solicitor who seemed to think the biting incident was grounds on its own, she suggested going down the route of getting an anti-harrassment order??? and a residence order that would essentially remove him. I can't bare to think what he would do if I did this. The day he bit me, we had sex, or rather he had sex and I just laid there. I think I was too shocked to do anything. He got up and walked off like nothing had happened. The only person who knows is the nurse who I saw. He demanded I have coil removed. He harassed the nurse and the receptionist. I just went along with it. Again, too shocked really.

Twinklebells I really hope you are wrong. I don't think he is. He has many issues and he is very sensitive person. I haven't told him very much about my home situation though. I don't ever want him to know just how broken I am because of it.

Destinycalls yes I do, not in smashing house or beating me. He is too clever for that. It is more likely that he would act passive aggressively. He has been known to hide my inhalers, move my meds, put salt in my tea, this sort of thing, plus the biting incident.

And yes, I think its all about control. He works in mental health, if we argue he tells me I am mad. If i refuse to argue he will find another term, if I cry I am depressed etc. Even the porn and adult hook up sites have been used probably as a way of disciplining me. He only does this and leaves evidence when I am happy and strong. As soon as I become upset he swoops in and promises he loves me and will do everything to make me happy.

Its taken me from Aug until now to realise that almost the entire relationship is characterised by him trying to control. I just don't see how I can take some back. I feel half the person I was.

[GoatsDoRoam]

The solicitor you saw speaks sense.

If you are afraid of what someone would do if you left them, that is pretty much proof that you need to leave them. You can't stay in a relationship out of fear.

I have no words right now for how sad it makes me to hear your story about the biting / sex to brush it under the carpet / coercion in getting coil removed. You should not have to live with this, love. No-one should.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

DaisyFlowerChain I have nowhere to take my children, unless you suggest pitching up at om's with kids in tow. I want to deal with this without involving om. The two things are separate. But I am honest, I have told you I did this thing, and I feel bad about it.

There is no sense of being sure that I will end up with OM. The only thing this has taught me is that I could be happy. I don't want DH's money, but he wants mine! I have used all my savings, and he wants me now to buy him out. How? I'm a student. He encouraged me to study and not take work. mmm, is suspect he thinks that makes me vulnerable. No, I shall find big girls pants and deal with this, even if we eat bakes beans under candle light:)

[GoatsDoRoam]

Refuge / Women's Aid. 0808 2000 247

There are refuges precisely for women and children who need to leave but have nowhere to go.

[motherinferior]

He sounds absolutely horrible and of course you should leave if you can.

It would probably be a good idea to give things a break with the OM just while you sort yourself out, but if he's been the push that you need to leave your husband that has overall been a Rather Good Thing. I'm with messyisthenewtidy on this.