I have done something awful and I need to be brave

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

I have NC, I am a regular here.

I don't know where to start, sorry if its garbled. I have been with DH for 18 years and we have two dcs, 10 and 15. Nine years ago he did something which really upset me and I have never really wanted to forgive and I shall never forget. For the first 9 years of the relationship he watched porn whilst knowing that I really felt unhappy with this. He agreed to stop. I would suss and check and find it all over again. This cycle continued until eventually I found him on dating sites and adult hook up sites. I threw him out and felt nothing but relief. However two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant with dc 2 now aged 10.

I cannot and I never will forgive him or completely trust him.

But I fear I have probably done worse. I have been so unhappy, so alone, for the last nine years, always wanted to leave but somehow thinking that staying was better for my children.

A year ago I met OM, I have tried to end it, I have gone no contact, I have once in August tried to end things with DH. I feel so torn. DH wants to keep trying at this relationship even when I told him what I had done. OM says he loves me and won't stay away. I feel I should be loyal to DH and my children but I can't not have OM in my life. He is the only man I could honestly say that I am in love with. I have never been in love before. I know that he is the person I want to be with forever.

I can't get DH to agree to leave, he refuses. I am scared to cope on my own as I have a very small income, I am frightened that he will sit here making me suffer, and I actually feel intimidated.

I just need to talk to someone because I need someone to tell me it is OK to leave this relationship. Somehow the guilt makes me feel that I don't deserve to be happy.

[jorro]

I'm not judging you, TheGuilt. I just have a small problem with the double standards on this forum.

People have affairs. He sounds awful, I don't blame you. Unlike others, I don't see affairs as the worst thing a person can do. I just think that if a man had done the same, the pitchforks would be out before he'd finished his fourth sentence.

Best of luck with everything and don't beat yourself up too much.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Jorro, I am sorry about what I have done because I have lied. I feel bad about the deception to the degree that it effects my health. I wish I could just be completely honest. I told DH in May and at the time he said "well I don't like it but I don't want to lose you" he then said he would give me a couple of months to work out what I wanted. It was at this point that life for me became very much worse. Eventually I agreed not to see OM and try and make things better at home. I have tried, just as I have tried for the last 9 years.

He said a funny thing today "Are you happy, you don't seem happy" I didn't know what to say. I dare not say I am not happy but I am finding it harder to play charades.

[Italiangreyhound]

people and Agree!

MaybeDoctor I agree, tell people* and get help in real life.

Agree with Coyoacan.

[Italiangreyhound]

MaybeDoctor I agree, tell peopee and get help in real life.

Gree with Coyoacan.

jorro I would not want to judge anyone on an affair based on whether they a man or a woman! I see this posters comments much more about her life with an abusive and controlling man. Not about an affair!

[Coyoacan]

Well, jorro firstly the guidelines of mumsnet are to help the OP. This is not a man who is having an affair and who is coming on asking for advice. If he was in similar circumstances, I personally would give similar advice.

Secondly you are not the first or the last to make a judgy comment on this thread.

Thirdly the OP wants out of her marriage and everyone has the right to end their marriage.

Lastly her husband turns out to be tremendously abusive.

Affairs are wrong, but there are lots of different reasons for them. We, as humans, are sometimes weak and do the wrong thing. Personally I am not in a position to throw the first stone, are you?

[MaybeDoctor]

I think that we are all flawed individuals with the capacity to do things that are wrong.

That same flawed individual can also be the victim of wrongdoing in others, which is what seems to be happening here.

[jorro]

Women who have affairs: understandable, oh bless you, poor thing, he's vile - at worst a bit of mild "two wrongs don't make a right" from some.

Men who have affairs: SCUM, desperate, pathetic, terrible parents, Hermann Goering but without the charm.

The Mumsnet Code Of Practice right there.

[MaybeDoctor]

I think that the sooner you start talking to people about this in real life then the better.

Firstly, talk to your university. You have a source of support there. Go to the student support service or women's officer and explain your situation - just see what they say. There may well be sources of help that you do not know about.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

NoMore thank you for sharing and I hope that both of us can find the strength to get through this. I have found studying both a great liberator but also I am more dependant financially. Like you though I just think that in the long term it pays off. You can do this, and actually like me you might find that being a full time student entitles you to financial help. I am saving some of my loan and maintenance grant. I need this as a safety buffer.

Not sure what will happen about OM, I can't explain my situation. I feel ashamed to admit that I have allowed my life to become this. Only one RL friend knows. Plus I want to deal with all this with a clear head, clear conscious and on my own.

My mum had some idea but she died three years ago of a massive brain haemorrhage, I'm sure if she was here I would feel more able to deal with this. I have been living under a cloud because Kings wanted to run tests to check to see if I had AVMs. So I have been walking around convinced I might keel over. I guess I just though that should this happen at least DH would pick up pieces. I was given all clear a month ago. This makes me feel that life is long and I want to be happy.

[Coyoacan]

Chins up, Guilt and NoMoreCallingLikeACrow, what doesn't break you, makes you. You will be much stronger and wiser women when you get free and you can do it.

[NoMoreCallingLikeACrow]

Guilt I see so many parallels to what I'm going through. H and I have been together 10+ years. We married after DC1 came along and things weren't right for a while. He wasn't unfaithful just disengaged and always out drinking. He got very drunk 4 years ago and pressurised me into having sex, it was a horrible ordeal and the next morning I felt certain I'd been raped. I stayed because I was mess, and I thought it was best for the DCs. Then we moved and I got more dependent on him in lots of ways. Things were ok for a while, but after unplanned DC3 his behaviour got really bad again, and there were 2 more rapes. I carried on in a sleeping state, too far away from family and too dependent to leave, and also terrified that a divorce would damage the DCs.

A year ago I met OM and felt that I was actually in love for the first time ever. Despite his best efforts, it never got physical but was most definitely an EA. I decided a few weeks ago to go NC with OM, it's been really hard and I miss him so much. He begged me to be selfish and put myself first for a change. I feel like I'm starting to wake up now. I need to get back on my feet and be ok on my own. I am hoping beyond hope that I get into a university course next year, which will lead to a professional registration and reboot my career. I need to focus on that.

Anyway, this has been a massive hijack but I just wanted to say I understand how you feel, and I don't think you should beat yourself up about the affair at all. I do think you need to end your marriage and do it in a way that feels best for you, and allows you to be independent of H and OM. Good luck.

[springydaffs]

Probably a good plan that OM is off the scene for now. Not that it was a plan as such iyswim. You've enough on your plate.

Yes vile husband has probably sensed you're pulling away . he won't know it consciously, necessarily. You have to play along for now, as hard as it is. Keep your eye on the end goal. It's so hard in the meantime but hold on, you're doing this for your kids - both this now and what's ahead.

In the meantime you could email women's aid if you can and they'll get back to you. Set up a new email address. They will help you all the way. Have you managed to download any of those books yet? Just reading this stuff is a big help.
Keep going lovely

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Hello all,

I shall have a read of the link Italiangreyhound

This is the first time I have been able to get near my computer. DH is following me around the house. I can only think he has some sort of idea that things are changing. I don't feel very strong at the moment but as I try to pull away and want to be on my own, he wants to be glued to my side.

OM and I had agreed to meet. He then cancelled. I had to backtrack on the story I had told DH which made me feel stressed and I hate having to lie. I am scared to tell him the truth. For this reason I told OM to forget it all. I can't deal with any added stress and I can't deal with the guilt of lying. I can't cope with living in fear that DH will catch me and make me pay. He does make me pay in every way you can think. Pressure to have sex, following me, checking up, shouting, sulking, causing general unhappy and unpleasant atmosphere, shouting at the children.

Today he has taken us all shopping and I have been spoilt with spa treatments, cosmetics and perfume, and he has been charming. I feel I have to just go along with it all. He is planning new year and inviting people, and making plans. I paste a smile on and carry on, but inside I feel like I am dead.

Now I just keep thinking roll on new year. Thank you so much for your support everyone here, I do feel a bit further along, but stuck because I know as usual I have to just play along for now. I won't upend my children from their home, so I am hoping the solicitor was correct in what she said and that when he is faced with the threat of the order, he might agree to leave.

[Italiangreyhound]

TheGuiltEatsMe, hi, how are you doing?

[Italiangreyhound]

numb not number!

[Italiangreyhound]

TheGuiltEatsMe you are sounding stronger already. I don't blame you for having an affair. I can understand why you did it and maybe it number the pain of being in an abusive relationship.

I agree with others than OM needs to move out of your life and stay out for the time being while you make a clean break with your husband.

If he really is the man for you, he will wait and he will be able to see it is best for you.

Do whatever you do in the safest way possible for you and your kids.

Sell your antiques and buy more when you are back earning in a few years. Furniture is not as important as safety and self respect.

Did he put pressure on you to put him on the housing agreement?

His behaviour is violent, bullying and controlling. I know there is a new law

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/11301079/Bullying-husbands-face-five-years-in-jail-for-controlling-behaviour.html

And also plenty of old laws that say biting someone's face is not on! Do you have medical evidence or a photo of the bite mark?

Get help from women's aid and be strong, you can do it. Then when all the dst settles see what you want to do with your life. 40 is the new 30, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you without this creep.

I do think affairs are a mistake but I also think they can be understandable, whether it is the husband or wife who has the affair. It is not my place to judge you. You sometimes seem to be judging yourself, just look at the mumsnet name you chose! Please do not let the mistake you made in having an affair (which may have saved your sanity and has made you wake up to your situation) stop you from doing what is right for you and your kids.

[TheGuiltEatsMe]

Springy Thank you for the book recommendation, but I might look to see if I can download it to phone and read. I can't buy it and leave it around.

Twinkle I think I will probably do online thing when DH back at work. I might be able to find some time once term starts to look at the course and go along to it. I have far more freedom during term times, not too surprisingly! Otherwise he is constantly checking on me.

desert I struggle with giving respect after the porn and hook-up sites and later finding condoms in his pockets. I really struggle, but I shall do as I have always done and at least for the sake of dc be respectful...feeling it is a bit different.

Mo maybe, I am not sure. I just know I feel differently. What will happen is anyone's guess. I am not staking my life on it and I shall just have to see. I won't be rushing and pushing for anything from OM. I need to learn to cope with day to day stuff on my own. I have never been independent, I am actually quite looking forward to it.

Dh moved in when I was renting a much larger hs than the one we are in. I rented privately and sub-let rooms. He refused to go after well paid work preferring time at home, I gave up work when he proved incapable of looking after DC1. So I put my name (yep just me because I was having huge doubts) on waiting list for HA house. I was given the house I am in now, which is quite nice. I stupidly agreed under pressure to put his name on tenancy two years ago Why? I don't know. The reason he wants me to give him money is because he did a lot of work to make the house habitable nice. Plus he has no savings, he is crap with money. But I have paid for virtually everything in the home, be it cups or carpets. Minor points I know but I am just not willing to walk from here with little more than a maintenance grant and a loan to live in student digs where I can't have my children.

So, I think HA might be another source of advice about how I can move forward too.

[Twinklebells]

I don't know - am not a legal expert. But if they are married any property is considered shared isn't it - hence the need for a shit hot lawyer.

[RubbishMantra]

Twinkle, so if he refuses to leave, OP's only option is to move out? That's awful

If a non-molestation order were taken out (because of the rape and DV) would he have to go then?

[MoRaw]

OP, you should consider taking some time for yourself. Forget about DH and OM. You said you have had several relationships and you have not been in love with any of the men you were with. Perhaps you should explore what is the reason for this. You wouldn't want to find yourself thinking/feeling the same thing some time down the line with OM.

[Twinklebells]

they are married - whether he is on the deeds is completely irrelevant.

[RubbishMantra]

Surely if the family home belongs to you, then he will be the one who must leave? Is he on the deeds?

[deserttrek]

I only read the opening thread, OP, and took it at face value when I posted last night. But having read springydaffs comment I went back and read most of it. And I am so shocked.
This is emotional and physical abuse, and criminal.
I think you should see your solicitor, and given your father's proximity, the plan should be for DH to move out and you retain the home. He will have to provide financially towards bills and in time you may be able to return to work. And whilst not sure of the financial set up, perhaps any interest that DH may have in the house can be deferred until money is released from your father's house, one, day. As I say I do not know the financial set-up but this should be explored.
But DH needs to leave so that there is a stable home for you and DC.
You cannot live in that situation for much longer, the stress will do untold damage to you. And I think OM could fade into the background for quite a while, until you are ready to deal with that. They are two separate issues.

[springydaffs]

Treat him with respect as far as the children are concerned, yes, but you don't personally have to respect him in your heart. That's your choice. I personally couldn't respect someone who raped and bit me.

[deserttrek]

Oh, and whilst DH can look after himself.
Remember, he is a person.
Treat him with respect if you decide to part, despite his issues.
Your children will respect you for that in years to come.