why women should mske men wait for sex...Modern dating and dtd before commitment.

[gottafindaman4yagirl]

Opinions on dtd too soon while dating. Been doing online dating for six months after being in a 12 marriage.
Waiting 5-6 weeks before having sex, no sex before commitment.
"you want to find out if a man is serious about you? Wait to have sex with him.If you don't- don't be surprised if a decent percentage of men never call again."
I read this on a Evan Marc Katz site on understanding men and finding love.
With modern dating which takes up time, effort and can be a miserable experience trying to find a decent partner.

I am constantly worrying about dtd too soon, is sex really the prize that keeps men interested or gets them eager to get to know a woman.
What if women do wait 5-6 weeks and invest time and emotional in a man to find sexually they are not compatible.
Do men really look down on women who have sex too soon, making it too easy.

Male opinions welcomed
I personally think it shouldn't matter how soon as long as there's attraction, its safe and consented. Women enjoy sex and its always made out that men are always thinking about sex.
I am dating a guy and I want to dtd very early into dating, being sexually compatible is important to me.
Is the man going to feel I was given too soon and to easy to respect me enough to be in a committed relationship.

I went on around sixty dates before I met my wife, I didn't and wouldn't sleep with anyone on a first date, at my age back then (MID THIRTIES) it wasn't what I was looking for..

Never been a big fan of one nite stands.. On some of the dates it was there was obvious chemistry but they didn't meet my other criteria so they were ditched with a kiss and a see u later...

Although, the future wife and I had sex on the second date, started sharing each others living space with 4 weeks, moved in after 2 months and then conceived our first child within four weeks of moving in and now we are married..

Personally I had a mental list of what I wanted as long as my arm and I went out and found it.. But saying that I'm not a believer in the ONE..

you conceived your child within 3 months of meeting- on purpose can I ask?

I (personally) think sex can make you a bit stupid about relationship choices.

It's been shown that giving people injections of oxytocin while they are doing business transactions/making decisions can make people way more trusting and less able to tell if people are conning you. People made decisions they wouldn't normally because of high levels of oxytocin basically.

Obviously no harm done if you happen to sleep with a decent guy on the first date, or you don't actually want a relationship - but I've lost count of the number of friends who despite genrally having good self esteem have stuck around with complete losers who treat them terribly (despite everyone else seeing it) because they had a few good shags. I blame the oxytocin

Gotta I've been following lurking on the dating threads, I was online dating for around 2 and a half years but have now met somebody I'm hoping is the one for me.
I'd had a couple of flings where I'd dtd and never heard from them again afterwards (one after 3 dates, another after 4), and felt so unbelievably shit about myself. With the man I'm with now, I waited 9 dates. I just couldn't handle the rejection any more and after that long, it was more obvious that he actually liked spending time with me, as opposed to just hoping to have sex with me. I hope that helps.

And have just realised 9 dates doesn't sound like a lot!!
But that was with a holiday each in between our 2nd/3rd dates, and at first seeing each other once a week!!

When me and Dh met, he wanted to wait to dtd and I was ready from the off so men want to wait too, it was the first time sex had been really special for me. I've waited to dtd and been treated like crap in a relationship, I've had sex on the first date, which turned into a casual relationship and a very good friendship.

Just to add another perspective- I know a guy ( friend) who purposely doesn't have sex with women early on because although he clearly would like to, he says that in his experience the women become 'too attached' after sex and end up getting hurt if he rejects them later on. He's not the first or only guy I know to say things along these lines - ie sex does create another dynamic and if one person is wanting more out of the relationship than the other, early sex does complicate it all.

I think it's all about what works for you; if sex is just like having a coffee and you aren't emotionally involved then you will cope with being rejected, but if you find sex creates more of a bond and you'll be hurt more if you get dumped, then hang fire a bit and see how it all goes.

Another perspective:

Always sleep with them on the first date, that way you can weed out the ones who are only interested in sex before you get too attached to them.

I hate the idea that sex is something women give to men, it's a too way thing. It's the same as using it as a weapon in a relationship. When posters tell an OP to withhold sex until her DP complies with whatever she wants.

My rule has always been if you want to have sex with someone then do. Although I am ridiculously picky so that's only been a handful of blokes rather than the hundreds it could be.

Seems to be a consistent message here - do what feels right to you! Most mature men will be happy to wait until the moment is right as well so as long there is some chemistry there, enjoy. We are not all sex-crazed fiends just looking to add notches on bedposts... However the thrill of the chase is powerful and can be more exciting than achieving the goal itself! Personally I find one-nighters horribly unsatisfying and enjoy the time spent getting closer to someone and then exploring what works best for you both between the sheets. But maybe I'm just old-fashioned.

Waiting to have sex doesn't weed out those who only wanted you for sex.

It actually weeds out those who don't want to be controlled by one party. It weeds out those who don't think one person should control the relationship.

You know the sort of person I'm talking about here - the sort of person who values trust, equality, fairness. Can you see what I'm getting at?

Humans are not constructed according to a feminist handbook. Males and females are sexually dimorphic in a number of ways including attitude to sex. I'm sure you'll get an overwhelming majority of replies listing the feminist spiel on the subject but be careful basing your real life relationship choices on it.

This depends so totally on what sex means to you and the men you happen to meet. Anecdotally, I am quite a sexual person and have slept with most of my partners fairly early in the relationship and this has never ended badly for me. Sex was just how I sealed the deal with guys I liked. I think I slept with my husband on our second date.

Healthy men with a healthy view of women don't care about game playing or "rules" or anything like that ime. Although I appreciate they are difficult to weed out and perhaps I have just been fortunate not to have met too many of the other kind.

intheair what does feminist spiel mean?! I wouldn't want a relationship with a man that thought he was the prize and that I had to win the prize by playing the game by the rules. It's better to make real relationship choices based on a connection and knowing the man isn't a misogynist.

Maybe oxytocin does dip after you've have your children. Now I find it very easy to break off a relationship if the man is behaving selfishly or whatever. SO EASY.

and ps, actually you are wrong, humans were created equally and the handbook "society's rules" they were man-made. So you have it totally upside down.

If men are going to treat you like a disposable sexual play thing I think they'll so it regardless of how long u make them wait. That's my opinion of course.

Also I hate the whole idea of this making men wait terminology as though their there all slobbering waiting for us to give in because a woman couldn't possibly be just as up for it

Me and dp did it first date though hadmet before and a lot of texting phone calls etc first it just kind of happened that way and were still together and loved up. Meh!

Waiting to have sex doesn't weed out those who only wanted you for sex.

It actually weeds out those who don't want to be controlled by one party. It weeds out those who don't think one person should control the relationship.

This is rubbish because it could be argued that the man is controlling if he wants sex early on and the woman feels coerced into it-or he might dump her.

Having different timescales for the progression of a relationship is allowed- no?

The guy I am dating agreed to dtd on our fourth date, no alcohol involved and I didn't feel bad about not waiting. I would never use sex to get or manipulate a person. He's not done a disappearing act after dtd.

I also hate this idea that women have the power and we lord it over men when or whether they get sex - fgs, it's a two way thing no?

Personally, I have a friend who has been jumping into bed with men within hours of meeting them, funnily enough she's still single.

Yes imo, you should wait, possibly not weeks but don't shag on the first date, it makes you look both desperate and easy, sorry, but that's what I think and a lot of men do too.

If thats the case then they are sexist misogynists Jan and i wouldnt want a relationship with a man like that.
These are the same types of men who, when married and have children will stop seeing their wife as a woman with sexual needs and just see her as a mother and will highly likely cheat on her because of the seperation of Madonna and whore in their minds.
If they are already showing those red flags when dating and already showing the fact that they feel that way about women those feelings towards women wont change once they are married.

Perhaps they are, who knows, personally, I think if you shag a man on a first date then you're pretty much telling him you're easy, sorry, again, this is my opinion.

Perhaps the men my friend dated just want a woman that will make him try a bit harder rather than opening her legs after a 3 hour meet.

Don't get me wrong, if all you are after is a ONS then great, go have fun, if you are looking for a relationship (like my friend and I have told her this) then don't put sex on the table on the first night, what's the rush anyway, sex is far more enjoyable when the two people actually know and like each other.

Helena- I think you are wrong, too. Why should a man be a 'sexist misogynist [woman hater]' if a woman makes him wait beyond the first date- and equally why should he have the Madonna / whore complex later on? ( A misogynist hates women- don't think you need the word sexist as well) The 2 are not mutually inclusive, you know.

It is sadly true that some men will think a woman is a bit desperate and cheap is she drops her knickers on date 1. It is just possible that he has been conditioned to think this- even though it is not always ( if ever) true.

But behaviour has connotations and even if the woman isn't an 'easy lay' this is how some men may interpret it.