What does forgiveness feel like?

[snowflake02]

How do you know if you have truly forgiven someone?

You are probably right.

I haven't encouraged the co sleeping, it just happened. We have both tried to break the habit in the past but failed. They just keep coming back.

The co sleeping fulfils a purpose now though, yes ?

(I am not trying to discourage it, btw. I don't think you are safe from your husband)

But as a long term solution ? No.

Surely there comes a point where you have to stop offering your forgiveness if they keep hurting you or whatever it is they are doing?

You are confusing "forgiveness" with "stasis".

It is laudable that you are focusing on forgiveness. And forgiveness is indeed a useful tool for finding inner peace.

However, you have forgotten that your first priority is to yourself, and not to others.

Get yourself safe. You can work on forgiving your abuser from a safe distance. Forgiveness does not mean "stay right where you are".

I left my abusive ex-H. It took time to heal - years. Which I could only do safely away from him. Part of that healing process meant forgiving him; i.e. coming to terms with his actions, accepting that he is who he is. Crucially, though, who he is (an abusive husband) means that he is not a person a wife could remain with.

You can forgive. Of course you can, eventually. But do it from a safe distance.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, so that you can fully heal and move on.

It's not something you do so that an abusive person can keep having you around for their benefit.

Really good points, thank you. I have been confusing the two I think.

And yes, the co sleeping is useful.

Goats that was such an eloquent post.

Using your children in that way is really not acceptable, love.

I am not using them in any way. They would be there regardless of the situation between us. We have tried To get them sleeping in their own beds but it never lasts for long.

I think you need to be honest with yourself(ves)
If you and your DH had a normal and healthy sex life your motivation to keep your children in their own rooms and bed would be stronger.

I don't favour co-sleeping but apart from anything it's like all matters of child-rearing and discipline; if you really want your child to behave in a certain way then you teach them- kindly- using carrots rather than sticks- that you want them to adhere to certain types of behaviour.

Fuck forgiveness. The real question is whether you can trust him. The answer is no, however sincere his remorse seems now he will get bored of it and carry on as before.

Many women in abusive relationships claim they 'forgive' their partner when really they're just capitulating and accepting abuse because they don't want to leave.

How much more of your and your children's lives do you want to waste on this man?

It sounds so simple when you put it like that, but my head is all over the place. I just wish it could all go away and we could just be a happy family.

I understand your desire to be a family, but of all the options on the table that is not one of them with this man.

If you want to follow your dream you need to get away from him.

I think for a long time, I just wanted it to go away, but it won't. I used to sleep one child on either side. Yes, they would have been there anyway, but it was safe. But not as safe as him no longer being in my house.

But the point I wanted to make is that I got fobbed off by a GP; I got Valium from another GP and then finally, a good two years on, when I was practically breaking down, I got my six sessions of CBT. The reason I am telling you this is that from there I have been referred on therapy relating to the abuse. The CBT therapist knew there was something and said she could do all the CBT in the world, but it would not address the underlying issues. So, yes, you get your six weeks but if needs be, you can be referred on. At least where I am; and the CBT was actually very useful.

I left two years ago and it has taken me this long to even get to this point. But I wanted to post that maybe instead of feeling you have to forgive, you say enough, what about me, what do I need? Because wishing it never happened is a rabbit hole; you are constantly trying to reconcile your desire for normality with the knowledge that it will not go away because it can't be undone

You are right, it can't be undone and while I don't think he will force himself on me again at the moment, the other stuff is still happening. And I am always at least as guilty as he is or it's just my fault.

Lovey, you can't make a family with a rapist.

It had to be said, sorry

So he "hasn't forced himself on you again" but he has done with before. That's all you need to know. Not doing it again doesn't cancel out the original act. There are men currently undergoing long jail sentences for once only rape.

I don't know what you are referring to when you say he is still doing "other stuff" but it really doesn't bode well.

The other stuff is the emotional/verbal abuse, paranoia etc and no, it's not a good sign. I thought he was changing until yesterday

Ok. You do know each and every one of those things should be a deal breaker too ?

I just don't understand what you are trying to salvage here

The bloke is an abusive, paranoid rapist

If a friend was trying to make a relationship with a person like that, what would be your reaction ?

Yes. It will be anyone's fault but his.

I feel for you so much. You're hanging in there because you're a good kind person and you can't reconcile the person you fell in love with, with this damaged man who abuses you. You want to fix him. You want to fix your family. Sweetheart you can't. Only he could if he truly had the will to but he doesn't.

I spent such a long time going around and around asking myself if I still loved him, if. I could make it work. Wrong question. Did he love me?

He didn't. He wasn't capable. He despised me. He still does. Thats has broken my heart but I know in my head, even if my heart finds it hard to accept, that the man I loved is gone and won't be back. I couldn't ever have fixed it. I will only heal by ripping off the plaster and facing the cold hard truth.

Does he love you? Is he capable?

You know the answers. Please give yourself a chance to heal. Get that distance. Tell him and tell yourself it's just for now if that helps. No big decisions. One step at a time. And each step will be one nearer peace and clarity.

He does love me. He is just very damaged.

One step at a time is good advice. It's all I can manage anyway.

he may well be very damaged; does not mean he should damage you.

And someone who loves you does not hurt you

Very true. He just can't seem to stop himself. If he was hitting me it would be so much more obvious to me. But I know what he is doing is still wrong. Well, some of it anyway. My head is such a mess I can't think straight tonight.

I think that was the issue for me; I had a boyfriend who beat me up when I was younger and I thought that was what Domestic Abuse was.

You are obviously exhausted and as pp said, it is one step at a time. It has taken enormous courage to even indicate the reality of what happened/is happening; that took me two years or more. But do seek external RL support, go to a different GP, write it down if you cannot say it; speak to Women's Aid, all those things that will help you see a bit more clearly a way beyond this, and that it is not you nor your fault,

Yes to writing it down. Obviously don't let him find it. But that really helped me. And rereading my posts on mn really helped too and still does. Because you forget. And it's really death by a thousand paper cuts not a big event, although that's arguable for you.

Get some rest. Watch some trashy tv. Try and switch off. X