What does forgiveness feel like?

[snowflake02]

How do you know if you have truly forgiven someone?

You cannot forgive someone who has not shown real repentance.

I think I am exhausted as it has been a very long road to get to this point. I am still with him, so yes, he could hurt me again.

Up until about a month ago he wasn't genuinely sorry but I do believe now that he is and can see what he has done. He has committed to getting specialist professional help. But I know that unless I can truly forgive him, it won't solve the problem. I also need to trust him again as I don't think you can have a relationship without it.

I could be barking up the wrong tree here but do you think you ought to have counselling / psychotherapy?

I'm thinking on how you have asked to know how it feels to forgive and that makes me think you have perhaps suffered from abuse or very low self esteem/ self worth in the past - and even now- where you have not been able to set clear boundaries for how people treat you.

The sub text of this is that you allowed the emotional abuse to carry on for some time and eventually you put your foot down and he sought help- at your insistence?

I think your issues around forgiveness and trust might be helped by talking to a professional. sorry if this is way off the mark.

Pinkfrocks you are exactly on the mark with all of it. I have been seeing a therapist for a while now who has got me this far, but now the money is running out so taking a break for a few weeks unfortunately.

Ahh- glad I wasn't off the mark but sorry I was right, in a way!

I hope you will be able to afford some more. Have you any access where you live to cheaper therapy? Where I am, most counsellors will offer reduced fees or some will do it very cheaply if they are still training ( though with supervision and nearing the completion of their accreditation.

Not really. I went through my GP initially and it was a total disaster as she said something awful things to me. I only would have had 6 sessions anyway, which was no where near enough. So I had no choice but to go privately and I am also limited when I can go in terms of childcare. The therapist I have found doesn't offer reduced rates I don't think.

So he's only expressed remorse in the last few weeks and is 'committed to getting' professional help... ie. hasn't actually done anything? And you're still together.... ?

You don't need counselling and you don't need to forgive OP, you need to get shot.

I'd ask the therapist and be open about it. They may be willing to work with you for less. If you get on with them really well then I can see that you'd want to stay with them and not have to start again with someone else, but if not, it might be worth looking at the Counselling Directory to see who else is around in your area.

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

I think you can forgive someone without trusting them - and without making yourself vulnerable to further hurt from them. Forgiveness, for me, is to mean (As said upthread) detachment first of all - not feeling angry, hurt, vengeful no more fantasies of what I would say to them that would be totally devastating but I think the second part of forgiveness has to be to wish them well - a positive feeling that you hope they will be happy, that you've really let go of anger towards them.

I can forgive someone and still not want them in my life or ever trust them again. I can no longer hate them, and I wish them well - as I would wish any random stranger well but if I think they are likely to hurt me again - because that is the kind of person they are - then I will not trust them again or put myself in a position where they can hurt me.

Your question might be better put as "can you rebuild an intimate relationship when someone has hurt you badly?" For me, the solid core of an intimate relationship has to be trust - "do I trust this person with the vulnerable me?" the answer to that has to be 'yes'. Once that trust is gone then the barriers come up for me and I protect myself.

Thanks for the link.

He has started to see someone about a month ago, I go along with him.

You are asking the wrong question, op

The real question is what is so good about this man that you are even considering staying with someone who has abused you

I thought about forgiveness a lot before ex and I split. The stumbling block was he wasn't sorry. I think you can forgive sometimes perhaps if the person simply doesn't understand what they've done, perhaps because of their own problems but it's hard. I suppose people of faith can forgive without conditions or maybe logic because that's what faith is. I couldn't although got close to it because he didn't really care how much he hurt me. That's self preservation..

Since we split I will never forgive him for whatever he's done. He doesn't just lack empathy, he has actively enjoyed being cruel.

Thats the thing, the situation has now changed as I do believe he is genuinely sorry for the things he has done, whereas previously I don't think he really understood. He would say he was sorry, but at the same time blame me for his actions and then go and do the same sort of thing again. But now he seems to have had some kind of epiphany.

I don't yet know if being genuinely sorry is enough to change his behaviour. And if I am able to forgive him, I now realise that that doesn't mean I have to stay with him. I can forgive him and remove myself from the relationship in order to ensure none of these things happen again. Maybe I need to give it some more time to see what happens.

I think there is a point in the process you're on where you have to take a step back. Right now it's a steamroller of counselling, expense, high emotion, grand promises, commitments and big consequences of getting it wrong. You seem to have made it your sole responsibility to forgive and therefore save the relationship. No wonder you're stressed.

So take a step back from the steamroller and ask yourself, if there were no practical barriers (DCs, finances, property, whatever), would you be wasting time pondering the nature of forgiveness or would you be walking away?

Being genuinely sorry doesn't entitle someone to forgiveness. But the truly manipulative person will make out it does.

Snow I've just realised I read your previous threads. Your last post shows great insight. It truly does.

Perhaps if it follows that 'time will tell ' if he can respond positively and make changes but you don't necessarily have to wait until then to protect yourself?

I "forgave". I felt strong and rational and that I could cope with it all. 2 years later it hit me like a ton of bricks. Came out of no where and I feel like I've been stabbed in my heart. Only you can decide what is right for you and how strong you are to manage the ever changing roller coaster of emotions.
Whether he is truly sorry is irrelevant I think it's how you manage and where you are emotionally...if that makes sense.

I think I really do need to take a step back. I am completely drained and exhausted. But think that is easier said than done. I will try though. My poor head needs a break.

yes, I get that. Needed a holiday from my head many times this year. X

I hold things in my mind that happened years ago... But I try to forgive but I just can't! I feel immense pain and anger then I think of events. Sooo I think forgiveness is maybe when and if the pain and anger goes.

I would love to be rid of that pain and anger..maybe that's a failing on me?

A holiday from my head is exactly what I need!

I know I will never forget, but working out if I can forgive is so much harder.

Snowflake, I have accidentally bumped your old thread by posting the following on it... (I am really sorry, I have asked it to be removed from there.)

snowflake, I have searched for your previous threads I hope you don't mind

what makes you think your H has had an "epiphany" exactly?

wouldn't you rather be with a man that had never done that to you in the first place ? There are lots of men who would be appalled at what he did, no matter what pretty words he comes out with now

I don't believe it is possible for someone to change such fundamental beliefs about what is permissible between men and women, whether they are in a relationship or not. He showed you what he is back then, and he is still the same person

You feel at peace inside of you.

Don't mind at all that you searched my previous threads. Yes, I would much rather be with someone who had never done any of these things.

I think he had an epiphany because his attitude seems to have changed all of a sudden. And it does seem to be genuine. Of course it could just be another honeymoon period but I won't know that until more time has passed. Maybe a leopard never does change its spots. Maybe it is that simple, he always will be the same person.

Perhaps his "epiphany" is because he finally realises you are not backing down ? In other words, it is a false one because it means you will get back in line if he says X, Y or Z.

And I really am sorry for bumping your old thread. I was distracted and posted there instead of here.