What does forgiveness feel like?

[snowflake02]

How do you know if you have truly forgiven someone?

No harm done so please don't worry

Thanks, that is sweet of you

It could look like I bumped it to make a point. I didn't.

I like this quote:

'Forgiveness is the antiseptic you put on the wound while it heals'

I agree with pp that forgiveness is a process and a choice not a single act. Everytime you feel a wave of hurt you choose to put it behind you. And you might have to do this multiple times over a long period depending on how hurt you were/are.

I think if you have told someone you forgiven them then you shouldn't bring it up again with them or anyone apart from maybe a counsellor (even if it still occasionally pangs) as part of forgiveness is choosing to let go.

I don't think forgiveness means you forget and I think you can be actively forgiving someone and still feel hurt it just takes time.

Sadly my experience of people who use emotional abuse and manipulation is that the periods of apparent remorse and reform can be long or short but they will always revert to type eventually. Getting others to forgive, signing up for therapy and seeming to be genuinely sorry are just part of the manipulation.

I'm conscious that while the person he is presenting to you is doing all of the above and claiming to have had an epiphany, the same man is still threatening your son...... When you're thinking about leopards and spots, that should tell you all you need to know.

He has never threatened the children, I'm sorry if I have given that impression.

Thank you for all your answers, they are all really useful. I see now how forgiveness is a process, something that you choose to do, but you can't keep forgiving over and over can you? Surely there comes a point where you have to stop offering your forgiveness if they keep hurting you or whatever it is they are doing?

Yes, imo you can forgive someone once for something but if it repeated then you need to think again.
Obviously it depends on the context- you could forgive a child many times over for bad behaviour, cheekiness etc- as parents we surely do that all the time? But an adult who supposedly can control their behaviour and choose how to act, you'd not keep forgiving them for the same mistake- because it makes a mockery of their apologies.

Having said that there are some things that imo would be unforgivable. My father is estranged from his siblings because they did things he found unforgivable when their mother was dying from cancer. Everyone has their limits and some things do not warrant forgiveness, but you may find you can detach from the action and not allow yourself to be troubled by it.

Yes, I seem to be trying to do that, but wondering now if that is not very sensible as the list is so very long.

I think you need to make a list of what is unforgivable and what is less serious. if the unforgivable actions happen more than once then you need to keep away from the person. You owe them nothing if they do not care for you.

I got two threads mixed up, sorry. The threats were being made by someone else.

See snowflakes I may be projecting, as I've gone through my shit at same time I've read your threads but I recognise so much of my thought processes in you. My nickname came from this endless torture of going round and around, looking for ratoinale and answers. The only way to get answers is, I believe, to get enough distance from the situation to see clearly.

You cant when you're in it.

The decision to leave was taken away from me but I should be grateful for that really.

All I can say is since, there has been one dawning realisation after another. They're still coming.

I don't worry about forgiveness now. He neither wants nor cares if I do. He is in fact a bare faced liar. Took the distance to understand this too.

It really is an endless torture isn't it, going round and round looking for the right answer. Sorry you have been going through it too ConfusedNC

Sometimes I wish the decision could be made for me. Sometimes I think that deep down I do know the answer, but I'm too scared of being wrong to take the leap.

You will never know if it was right or wrong decision until later- with hindsight. Think about any decision you have ever made; you used your judgement at the time, and it was only later that it was clear whether it was good or not.

There is no way of knowing what will happen but what is for sure is that doing nothing results in more of the same.
Is that what you want?

I think you would not be wrong to leap.

I also think perhaps you don't need to be so definitive.

I think you could say you need some distance to make sense of how you feel.

If he receiving counselling then perhaps this is a good time to make the break. Temporary leading to permanent. Or perhaps just temporary?

It's definitely heading that way. A trial separation while he tries to get his behaviour under control. But would need to wait until after Christmas. I can't ruin Christmas for the children forever more.

He will act like SuperDad over xmas and manage to talk you round

I hope not. I need to stay strong and true to myself. So unless i have good reason to re-asses, I don't see an alternative any more. Which is very sad.

Are you still sleeping with him ?

We share a bed if that's what you mean? Usually with a selection of children as well.

Have the children always co slept. Are they in your bed all night?

No need to answer, love, if my questions are intrusive.

I guess what I am getting at is are there still opportunities for him to do what he did before ?

Surely there comes a point where you have to stop offering your forgiveness if they keep hurting you or whatever it is they are doing?

I think forgiveness is a hugely abstract concept that has more to do with releasing the enemy internally than anything that actually relates directly to that other party. The "i forgive you" words don't really make sense because, as someone earlier said, it's a personal process that can swing round and need re-doing, re-working, abandoning or whatever. Though just before execution it was customary to forgive the executioner and everyone involved in your death. But I don't suppose anything mattered all that much at that point.

I think forgiveness is impossible when that other party has offended so greatly that the harm continues to blossom like a poisoned bruise inside the heart. I think release is about setting yourself free from that action and its tainted owner/source.

Long way round to saying omg, what he's done to you is unforgiveable. I reminded myself of your previous threads. Horrific. He's never ever to be trusted, any epiphany he's claiming is more likely a tactical fake. This is purely my horrified opinion and you are free to disregard it.

I wish you were not with him. In practical terms how would you be fixed for leaving him? You would not be ruining the kids' Christmas forever.

There are always options and you have every reason to re-assess your situation. This man is killing you inside never mind what might happen physically.

I don't think he would do it again, at the moment anyway. Can't say that it will never happen again as I never thought it would happen in the first place.

Of course.

Have the children always co slept or have you encouraged that as protection for you ? This is a very important question to ask yourself.

Then snow you have just told yourself all you need to know. If you don't trust him to never do what he did again then you can't live with that uncertainty. It will mentally ruin you.

I'm not sure how you could contemplate forgiveness as an abstract or real thought when what you're actually doing is waiting for it to happen again