SIL angry I won't be their surrogate - how to handle?

[MinnieM1]

Bit of back story - my brother and his wife have been together as long as I've been with my DP (7 years) literally met within months of each other. DP & I have 2 DC's, Brother & SIL have none but have been trying since they met. They are now desperate for a baby and have pretty much given up getting pregnant themselves and came round a few days ago to ask me if I would consider being a surrogate for them. His sperm, her egg and I would purely be the womb - very Phoebe from friends.
I thought for a day or 2 and discussed with DP but have since told them I won't do it.
My reasons -

1. I'm not great at being pregnant, always have health issues, 1st pregnancy I was very anaemic and had 2 blood transfusions and had morning sickness for the whole 9 months, in my 2nd pregnancy I had low blood pressure and kept fainting, 3rd pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage) I had HG and was hospitalised 4 times in 11 weeks

Which brings me to my 2nd point in that I had a miscarriage in September and just don't feel that emotionally I could deal with another pregnancy, particularly one that wouldn't even result in a baby for me! I'm scared I would grieve for losing a baby all over again.

1. I almost died giving birth to DD, my second child, so would be considered a high risk pregnancy and would be terrified of something happening again

So after discussing all of the above it just wouldn't be fair to my family if something happened or if I was ill for 9 months, what about my own children? So I said no to my brother, he accepted it and I thought all was fine until I heard that my SIL was (drunkenly) being quite nasty about it. She was apparently saying the only reason I won't do it is because if they have a baby all the attention won't be on me and my children anymore! I mean what the actual fuck!?! So to the point of my post, Should I confront her and tell her that I'm really upset by her comments and that she's asking something HUGE of me and I'm well within my own rights to say no and she's being a bit of an arse?! Or just let it go? WWYD?

...sorry for mammoth post by the way!

I think asking a family member isn't completely unreasonable, although if I was asked I would expect to know the exact details of why other options including commercial IVF aren't viable and would expect to have a close relationship with them.
The only person I could ever have been a surrogate to is my sister (I'm too old now).
That's because I can't imagine carrying a child and not seeing it again and I hate the idea of babies as commercial commodities that you give away for the right price, even if the baby isn't genetically mine it would feel like my baby.
If that baby was to be my nephew or niece then the link would always be there.
I would expect my sister to mention her problems and that surrogacy was the only option and wait for me to offer though not ask. Plus I haven't miscarried and wasn't unwell during my pregnancies.

confuddledDOTcom I was so very sad to read your story. No words. Just a huge hug.

YANBU. It would be a difficult situation to find yourself in, even if your pregnancies had been healthy and your births uneventful. I'd feel very uncomfortable with the notion of being a surrogate for a male blood relative (or possibly even female).

That said, I agree with PP's that it was very strange of your friend to tell you about her outburst. Was he hoping he could pressure you to change your mind? I can't think of any other reason why he'd tell you unless he thinks she's really unbalanced and might hurt you. Does he generally have the reputation of being a big of a tattletale?

That said, I agree with PP's that it was very strange of your friend to tell you about her outburst. Was he hoping he could pressure you to change your mind? I can't think of any other reason why he'd tell you unless he thinks she's really unbalanced and might hurt you. Does he generally have the reputation of being a big of a tattletale?

If someone was bad mouthing a friend, I would tell them.

The SIL is behaving very badly and infertility is not an excuse or justification. Personally, I would leave them to come to terms with their situation and if your DB asks, say you were giving them space in light of SIL outburst.

This really isn't your problem and she can't make it so.

I think the friend should have told SIL at the time he thought she was being unfair and nasty. Gossiping about what she said but saying nothing at the time is being two faced. If he planned to tell the OP SILs drunk comments he should have said so. He wasn't much of a friend to SIL and I wouldn't trust him again

I don't think that you should worry yourself about justifying your reasons to them tbh.

It's one hell of an ask, and it's perfectly reasonable to just say no.

If they have viable sperm & eggs then presumably they could ask anyone to be a surrogate?

its sad to not conceive but ffs, you didnt deserve that. Its like surrogacy now is actually almost expected as an option? Millions of people cant have children. That doesn't entitle her to just borrow someones body. How can people even ask???