SIL angry I won't be their surrogate - how to handle?

[MinnieM1]

Bit of back story - my brother and his wife have been together as long as I've been with my DP (7 years) literally met within months of each other. DP & I have 2 DC's, Brother & SIL have none but have been trying since they met. They are now desperate for a baby and have pretty much given up getting pregnant themselves and came round a few days ago to ask me if I would consider being a surrogate for them. His sperm, her egg and I would purely be the womb - very Phoebe from friends.
I thought for a day or 2 and discussed with DP but have since told them I won't do it.
My reasons -

1. I'm not great at being pregnant, always have health issues, 1st pregnancy I was very anaemic and had 2 blood transfusions and had morning sickness for the whole 9 months, in my 2nd pregnancy I had low blood pressure and kept fainting, 3rd pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage) I had HG and was hospitalised 4 times in 11 weeks
   

Which brings me to my 2nd point in that I had a miscarriage in September and just don't feel that emotionally I could deal with another pregnancy, particularly one that wouldn't even result in a baby for me! I'm scared I would grieve for losing a baby all over again.

1. I almost died giving birth to DD, my second child, so would be considered a high risk pregnancy and would be terrified of something happening again
   

So after discussing all of the above it just wouldn't be fair to my family if something happened or if I was ill for 9 months, what about my own children?
So I said no to my brother, he accepted it and I thought all was fine until I heard that my SIL was (drunkenly) being quite nasty about it. She was apparently saying the only reason I won't do it is because if they have a baby all the attention won't be on me and my children anymore! I mean what the actual fuck!?!
So to the point of my post, Should I confront her and tell her that I'm really upset by her comments and that she's asking something HUGE of me and I'm well within my own rights to say no and she's being a bit of an arse?! Or just let it go? WWYD?

...sorry for mammoth post by the way!

[Ohfourfoxache]

They need to get in touch with COTS - it's a UK based voluntary surrogacy organisation. Google "COTS surrogacy" - it's a .org page.

[MinnieM1]

Thank you OhFourFoxAche I will pass that on

[MissWing]

You have made the right decision for you but please give your SIL a break.

A miscarriage is heartbreaking. Utterly miserable. But there's no comparison with not being able to have children at all.

She probably didn't mean any of those things. She was very very upset and drunk when she had her silly rant.

Her behaviour is unreasonable, no-one's disagreeing with that. So on top of having all the things that she doesn't you are right to boot.

[ThirdPoliceman]

MissWing, have I understood you correctly? Do you think losing a child by mc is not as bad as being unable to conceive a child at all?

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think your SIL is probably very unhappy and angry (not particularly with you but with the unfairness of life). And I think you should let it go if you possibly can.
After all, if it wasn't for the interfering, self-righteous, officious cock of a mutual friend who came running round bleating to you about it, you wouldn't even know that the poor woman had a miserable drunken tantrum, would you?

[MinnieM1]

MissWing I agree with some of your points but I don't think it's fair to say that not being able to have a child atall is worse than losing one
Both situations are horrendously cruel and painful but there are other avenues for her to be able to have a baby, nothing will ever bring mine back
But as no-one can ever go through both situations I don't think it can very be established which is 'worse'

[Beangarda]

I appreciate she's finding her childlessness hard, but I think it was outrageous of her to even ask you to be her surrogate, far less slag you off for not agreeing.

I realise that friends and family do occasionally act as surrogates for one another, but surely, even leaving aside the physical and psychological circumstances that mean you could never be a surrogate, it would be potentially very difficult and emotionally messy to carry a child that's not yours, and then hand it over to other people...?

[Doilooklikeatourist]

They are totally out of order to even ask you to do this

Just because they can't have a baby , does in no way mean that you should have a baby and hand it over to them .

It's not your fault they can't conceive , you can't help them

Move on

Don't get involved

[Quitelikely]

You nearly died and they asked you to do this!

BUT

They may of thought you went on to try for more so you were ok with the risk.

It's not nice but she's just angry and quite desperate. I would let it go.

I wouldn't be a surrogate regardless.

[strawberryshoes]

She was drunk, rise above it. 7 years of trying and failing, having a slim hope you might solve things, she wont have been thinking clearly at all, and probably regrets / does not mean a word of it in the cold morning light. You say some terrible things when you are depressed and desperate.

I am sorry for your loss, and you were being very kind to even consider it, but in this instance I think you have to just let it go.

[Corygal]

Carrying your own brother's child? There's a word for that, and it isn't surrogacy.

Ugh.

[MissWing]

I have had 4 miscarriages in 2 years. It has been utterly horrendous. But I recently had a visit from a friend who cannot have children and have come to the conclusion that being childless is the most painful thing of all. Because it endures. It means no adult children. No grandchildren.

[MinnieM1]

Corygal seriously!?

[ToomanyChristmasPresents]

It wouldn't matter if your pregnancies were easy. No one has a right to your womb. Ever. It's like demanding a kidney from someone. It's a wonderful gift to give if you can do it and want to do it. But most people wouldn't. And no one is entitled. Frankly, it was nervy to even ask you, particularly knowing your history.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I find it awful they asked you to do this, when only 3 months ago you lost a baby. Desperation has obviously clouded their judgement.

[HumblePieMonster]

OP, I think your family were outrageous to ask.

[Whitewhine]

Personally I admire anyone who would be a surrogate. It's the type of gesture you offer though rather than be asked IMO. YANU OP x

[RandomMess]

I honestly think until you have been pregnant and had issues you really have no clue what it is like.

I've had relatively ok pregnancies well apart from falling asleep midday due to anaemia and severe spd. Even that feeling queasy is bad enough to not want to go through it again let alone HG.

So yes she's been unreasonable but they must be so desperate to have asked in the first place and my heart goes out to them, and also to you for your horrid experiences

[LooksLikeRainDear]

wow, don't blame you for not doing it.

Not having been pregnant she doesn't realise (or want to acknowledge) the enormity of what she's asking you to do.

[ScrambledEggAndToast]

If you didn't feel able to give the baby up, legally it would be yours to keep. So, if you are grieving for your lost baby, you may get to the birth and when the hormones kick in be unable to give it up. How would they like that?

Disclaimer, I am not saying you would do this deliberately but hormones make you do funny things.

[confuddledDOTcom]

If you wanted to ease the pressure you could chat to your GP about it who will trek you what you already know and then you can say you have it thought, chatted to your GP and he said no. then it was totally not your decision.

I'm with you, btw, part of me loves being pregnant, I don't get any normal pregnancy symptoms but then I suffer irritable uterus which has gotten earlier each time as has my gestation, my last baby was 29 weeks and has CP, I'm a high risk pregnancy anyway and need to inject daily to stop myself rejecting the pregnancy. As others have said though, you done owe anyone your womb healthy or not.

[minklundy]

Possibly as someone who desperately wants to be pregnant, she thinks being pregnant must be great and does not realise that sometimes it isn't at all.

[minklundy]

Have they looked into other surrogacy options.

[Kahlua4me]

Not sure you can be a surrogate to your own brother......